Already have an account? Sign In.
MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
Sort Jokes By
| Most Recent | Rank |
Sgt Homer,a handsome dude,walks into the NCO Club and sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.The 10:00 PM news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looks at Sgt Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"
Sgt Homer says,"You know,I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied. "Well,I bet he won't."
Sgt Homer placed a $20 dollar bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off of the building and fell to his death. The blonde was very upset and hand hand her $20 dollars to Sgt Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
Sgt Homer replies. "I ca't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and I knew he would jump."
The blonde replies,"I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looks at Sgt Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"
Sgt Homer says,"You know,I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied. "Well,I bet he won't."
Sgt Homer placed a $20 dollar bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off of the building and fell to his death. The blonde was very upset and hand hand her $20 dollars to Sgt Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
Sgt Homer replies. "I ca't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and I knew he would jump."
The blonde replies,"I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
- Msg Joe G Inocencio Ret
|
|||
True Story.
When I was a teenage Navy brat living in Rota, Spain, I did a lot of babysitting. On one such occassion, the little lady I was babysitting, who was about 5 came into the bathroom while I was otherwise occupied.
Not understanding about privacy, she stood there conversing with me while I finished my business. Out of the blue, she looks at me and asks, 'When I get older, am I gonna have hair on my gina(as she called it) like you and my mommy?
Not knowing what else to say, I assured her that when she got older, she would indeed. It's little things like this that come back to haunt you.
Several weeks later, her father decided to get a hair cut and brought his young daughter to the busy barber shop located next to an equally busy PX. I'm guessing it was the hair all over the floor that made her think of it, but right there in front of quite a few other men waiting their turns, she announced in a very clear, very loud voice, "Daddy, when I get older, I'm gonna have hair on my gina just like mommy."
His response was an aghast, "Who told you that?" Didn't I hear it after that. You really got to watch what you say to kids. OOOps!
When I was a teenage Navy brat living in Rota, Spain, I did a lot of babysitting. On one such occassion, the little lady I was babysitting, who was about 5 came into the bathroom while I was otherwise occupied.
Not understanding about privacy, she stood there conversing with me while I finished my business. Out of the blue, she looks at me and asks, 'When I get older, am I gonna have hair on my gina(as she called it) like you and my mommy?
Not knowing what else to say, I assured her that when she got older, she would indeed. It's little things like this that come back to haunt you.
Several weeks later, her father decided to get a hair cut and brought his young daughter to the busy barber shop located next to an equally busy PX. I'm guessing it was the hair all over the floor that made her think of it, but right there in front of quite a few other men waiting their turns, she announced in a very clear, very loud voice, "Daddy, when I get older, I'm gonna have hair on my gina just like mommy."
His response was an aghast, "Who told you that?" Didn't I hear it after that. You really got to watch what you say to kids. OOOps!
- A. Stacey
|
|||
After graduation from boot camp, a young sailor was
looking forward to a nice relaxing train ride home.
Shortly after the train left the station, a very old
woman escorted by her young very pretty daughter
was also looking for a seat and asked if they might
share the booth with him, which of course he
agreed.
A short time the sailor spotted his boot camp drill instructor coming down the isle also looking for a seat. After recognizing the sailor, the drill instructor just helped himself to the seat next to the sailor anxious to meet the pretty young girl. After a long while riding in silent, the train entered a very dark long tunnel. Shortly a loud kiss was heard followed by an obvious painful slap.
After the train exited the dark tunnel, the young daughter was very mortified thinking one of the service men chose to sneak a kiss from her old ugly mother instead of her. The mother was enjoying knowing one of the service men took the opportunity to steal a kiss from her pretty young daughter.
The young sailor was enjoying seeing the drill instructor's face red while thinking: "What a great opportunity that was, kiss my own arm and slap the hell of my drill instructor and get away with it!"
A short time the sailor spotted his boot camp drill instructor coming down the isle also looking for a seat. After recognizing the sailor, the drill instructor just helped himself to the seat next to the sailor anxious to meet the pretty young girl. After a long while riding in silent, the train entered a very dark long tunnel. Shortly a loud kiss was heard followed by an obvious painful slap.
After the train exited the dark tunnel, the young daughter was very mortified thinking one of the service men chose to sneak a kiss from her old ugly mother instead of her. The mother was enjoying knowing one of the service men took the opportunity to steal a kiss from her pretty young daughter.
The young sailor was enjoying seeing the drill instructor's face red while thinking: "What a great opportunity that was, kiss my own arm and slap the hell of my drill instructor and get away with it!"
- Alton Johnson, AEC(Ret).
|
|||
A commercial airliner with a load of brand new Army recruits on board took off into space and a few minutes later the captain came out of the cabin, announced who he was and walked down the aisle among the frightened cadets.
Trying to act calm and friendly he stopped by the seat of one particularly scared and shaking recruit. He bent over and with a big smile asked, "Well son, where are we going this evening?"
To which the the recruit answered, "Oh my God, you mean YOU don't know?"
Trying to act calm and friendly he stopped by the seat of one particularly scared and shaking recruit. He bent over and with a big smile asked, "Well son, where are we going this evening?"
To which the the recruit answered, "Oh my God, you mean YOU don't know?"
- Jerry
|
|||
While attending NCO Academy at Keesler AFB in Mississippi, we were supposed to run every other day for Personal Conditioning.
One day, I was running by the supply area and another guy joined me. We would meet this way every once in a while and converse while we were running. One afternoon, my instructors grilled me as to whether or not I had been running on schedule and when I replied that I was, they wanted proof.
Since I didn't know the last name of the man I was running with, I did my best to respond. After that, the guy I ran with, didn't show up anymore.
Desert Shield was taking shape and I figured he was busy with that. At my graduation, I was surprised to see that the man I had been running with was the same person handing out the graduation certificates. Much to the astonishment of my instructors, he addressed me by my first name and asked me how things were going.
Later, they cornered me and wanted to know how I knew him on a first name basis. After I told them, they told me who he was. There were to be no more questions about my training status after that. The man in question was the Base Commander!
One day, I was running by the supply area and another guy joined me. We would meet this way every once in a while and converse while we were running. One afternoon, my instructors grilled me as to whether or not I had been running on schedule and when I replied that I was, they wanted proof.
Since I didn't know the last name of the man I was running with, I did my best to respond. After that, the guy I ran with, didn't show up anymore.
Desert Shield was taking shape and I figured he was busy with that. At my graduation, I was surprised to see that the man I had been running with was the same person handing out the graduation certificates. Much to the astonishment of my instructors, he addressed me by my first name and asked me how things were going.
Later, they cornered me and wanted to know how I knew him on a first name basis. After I told them, they told me who he was. There were to be no more questions about my training status after that. The man in question was the Base Commander!
- Roy Fitz
|
|||
Maintenance Write-Ups
AF Form 781 is aboard all Air Force aircraft to record any malfunctions so maintenance personnel can fix the problem before the next flight. Here are some of the problems (P) as posted by the aircrews and solutions (S) of the maintenance personnel to clear the write-up:
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, but autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal, other three propeller lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in the cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in the cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) Distance Measuring Equipment (DME) volume unbelieveably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believeable level.
(P) Autopilot in "altitude hold" mode produces 200 fpm decent.
(S) Could not duplicate on the ground.
(P) Dead bugs on windscreen
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what its there for.
(P) #3 engine missing.
(S) #3 engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed target radar to sing.
Personal Story: One night, with maintenance problems still unsolved and a late takeoff eminent, I got a little pushy with a young maintainer. With a grin, his response was, "Sir, machinery just doesn't respond to intense hatred."
AF Form 781 is aboard all Air Force aircraft to record any malfunctions so maintenance personnel can fix the problem before the next flight. Here are some of the problems (P) as posted by the aircrews and solutions (S) of the maintenance personnel to clear the write-up:
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, but autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal, other three propeller lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in the cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in the cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) Distance Measuring Equipment (DME) volume unbelieveably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believeable level.
(P) Autopilot in "altitude hold" mode produces 200 fpm decent.
(S) Could not duplicate on the ground.
(P) Dead bugs on windscreen
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what its there for.
(P) #3 engine missing.
(S) #3 engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed target radar to sing.
Personal Story: One night, with maintenance problems still unsolved and a late takeoff eminent, I got a little pushy with a young maintainer. With a grin, his response was, "Sir, machinery just doesn't respond to intense hatred."
- Richard D. Fagley, LtCol(Ret), USAF
|
|||
a general observed a private policing the area. he approached the private and the private snapped to immediate attention. the general said, "a colonel who reports to me said that he believes making love is fun.well, soldier, i believe that making love is work. who is right, son, the colonel or me?" Quick as a wink, the private said, "with all due respect to the general, i believe that making love is fun, so the colonel is right." the general said, "how do you figure that, son?" the private broke eye contact, looked down and said, "well, sir, i figure that if there was any work to making love, they'd probably have me doing it, sir."
- stanley heller
|
|||
Dirty Magazines And The Marines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
- Steve Swartz, 167th ANG(ret)
|
|||
A Califonia AF Reserve unit was attending an Air Force security police ground combat school in Texas. A young troop was having difficulty figuring out how to hook up his load bearing equipment to his web belt, and was begining to show signs of frustration.
An instructor came over and demonstrated how the LBE attached to the web belt. "There," the instructor said, "you don't have to be a rocket scientist."
The young Airman looked at the instructor and slowly replied, "I am a rocket scientist."
An instructor came over and demonstrated how the LBE attached to the web belt. "There," the instructor said, "you don't have to be a rocket scientist."
The young Airman looked at the instructor and slowly replied, "I am a rocket scientist."
- Walter
|
|||
A True Story:
Navy Basic Training, San Diego, CA, Nov. 1965.
A Battalion OOD had a reputation for sneaking up on trainees standing guard to test their knowledge of the correct procedure for challenging. One night, he snuck up on one trainee and rattled the bushes to see how the trainee would respond. The trainee immediately challenged him with the correct, "Halt! Who is there?"
The OOD sarcastically replied, "It's me, Superman!".
The trainee promptly replied "Well, Fly your A** over here and be identified."
The trainee was swiftly escorted to the Battalion Commander's office for disciplinary action. However, the Battalion Commander was laughing so hard, the trainee was dismissed without any punishment.
On his way out, the trainee overheard the Commander remarking to the OOD,
"It's about time someone got the best of you!"
Navy Basic Training, San Diego, CA, Nov. 1965.
A Battalion OOD had a reputation for sneaking up on trainees standing guard to test their knowledge of the correct procedure for challenging. One night, he snuck up on one trainee and rattled the bushes to see how the trainee would respond. The trainee immediately challenged him with the correct, "Halt! Who is there?"
The OOD sarcastically replied, "It's me, Superman!".
The trainee promptly replied "Well, Fly your A** over here and be identified."
The trainee was swiftly escorted to the Battalion Commander's office for disciplinary action. However, the Battalion Commander was laughing so hard, the trainee was dismissed without any punishment.
On his way out, the trainee overheard the Commander remarking to the OOD,
"It's about time someone got the best of you!"
- Jack Feeman
|
|||
Ad in newspaper:
For Sale; Parachute, never opened, cheap.
For Sale; Parachute, never opened, cheap.
- E. Carriker
|
|||
A Sergeant E -8 with thirty five yrs. service was instructing a sqaud of hard case privates as to what they were going to do that day.
One of the privates told the sergeant he wasn,t going to listen to him because he thougt he was illiterate.
The sergeant looked at the private and said , literate, literate, what dat mean?
One of the privates told the sergeant he wasn,t going to listen to him because he thougt he was illiterate.
The sergeant looked at the private and said , literate, literate, what dat mean?
- James Walker
|
|||
A Basic Training Army Sgt. and his training Company's 2nd Lt, the company XO were getting haircuts at the same time in the PX Barber Shop.
The barber cutting the 2nd Louie's hair was finishing and asks the 2nd Lt. if he wants some of perfumy hair tonic on his new haircut.
The 2nd Lt. replies, "Hell no, I can't go home to my wife stinking to high heaven with that stuff, she'll think I've been in a French whorehouse."
At just that time the other barber was finishing the sergeant's haircut so he says to the Sgt, "Sarge how about you, do you want some of this stinkey stuff?"
To which the sergeant replied, "Sure, put the whole bottle on, my wife don't know what a French whorehouse smells like."
The barber cutting the 2nd Louie's hair was finishing and asks the 2nd Lt. if he wants some of perfumy hair tonic on his new haircut.
The 2nd Lt. replies, "Hell no, I can't go home to my wife stinking to high heaven with that stuff, she'll think I've been in a French whorehouse."
At just that time the other barber was finishing the sergeant's haircut so he says to the Sgt, "Sarge how about you, do you want some of this stinkey stuff?"
To which the sergeant replied, "Sure, put the whole bottle on, my wife don't know what a French whorehouse smells like."
- Frank Tucker
|
|||
True Story:
An off base communications center opened at Westover AFB, Mass. and a local bus company was hired to take the troops from the base to the site.
On the very first trip the bus loaded and the NCOIC (an E-8) told the driver he was going to make sure everyone was on board and for him to wait before leaving.
The E-8 left to make sure there were no stragglers and a brand new 2nd Lt boarded the bus, sat behind the driver and told him impatiently, "OK you can go now."
The driver then replied, "Who the H are you?"
The Lt tapped his bars and said, "I am a 2nd Lt and I say you can go now."
The driver replied, "No way, that guy with ALL those stripes on his arm said to wait, so I am waiting for him!"
An off base communications center opened at Westover AFB, Mass. and a local bus company was hired to take the troops from the base to the site.
On the very first trip the bus loaded and the NCOIC (an E-8) told the driver he was going to make sure everyone was on board and for him to wait before leaving.
The E-8 left to make sure there were no stragglers and a brand new 2nd Lt boarded the bus, sat behind the driver and told him impatiently, "OK you can go now."
The driver then replied, "Who the H are you?"
The Lt tapped his bars and said, "I am a 2nd Lt and I say you can go now."
The driver replied, "No way, that guy with ALL those stripes on his arm said to wait, so I am waiting for him!"
- William Neff
|
|||
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
- Michael Schuttenberg
|
|||
Flag Joke
Please let us know why you believe this joke is inappropriate and we'll look into it.
Edit Your Joke
Explore VetFriends.com
Click on a section to see all of VetFriends.com's Features.