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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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A Sergeant E -8 with thirty five yrs. service was instructing a sqaud of hard case privates as to what they were going to do that day.
One of the privates told the sergeant he wasn,t going to listen to him because he thougt he was illiterate.
The sergeant looked at the private and said , literate, literate, what dat mean?
One of the privates told the sergeant he wasn,t going to listen to him because he thougt he was illiterate.
The sergeant looked at the private and said , literate, literate, what dat mean?
- James Walker
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A Basic Training Army Sgt. and his training Company's 2nd Lt, the company XO were getting haircuts at the same time in the PX Barber Shop.
The barber cutting the 2nd Louie's hair was finishing and asks the 2nd Lt. if he wants some of perfumy hair tonic on his new haircut.
The 2nd Lt. replies, "Hell no, I can't go home to my wife stinking to high heaven with that stuff, she'll think I've been in a French whorehouse."
At just that time the other barber was finishing the sergeant's haircut so he says to the Sgt, "Sarge how about you, do you want some of this stinkey stuff?"
To which the sergeant replied, "Sure, put the whole bottle on, my wife don't know what a French whorehouse smells like."
The barber cutting the 2nd Louie's hair was finishing and asks the 2nd Lt. if he wants some of perfumy hair tonic on his new haircut.
The 2nd Lt. replies, "Hell no, I can't go home to my wife stinking to high heaven with that stuff, she'll think I've been in a French whorehouse."
At just that time the other barber was finishing the sergeant's haircut so he says to the Sgt, "Sarge how about you, do you want some of this stinkey stuff?"
To which the sergeant replied, "Sure, put the whole bottle on, my wife don't know what a French whorehouse smells like."
- Frank Tucker
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True Story:
An off base communications center opened at Westover AFB, Mass. and a local bus company was hired to take the troops from the base to the site.
On the very first trip the bus loaded and the NCOIC (an E-8) told the driver he was going to make sure everyone was on board and for him to wait before leaving.
The E-8 left to make sure there were no stragglers and a brand new 2nd Lt boarded the bus, sat behind the driver and told him impatiently, "OK you can go now."
The driver then replied, "Who the H are you?"
The Lt tapped his bars and said, "I am a 2nd Lt and I say you can go now."
The driver replied, "No way, that guy with ALL those stripes on his arm said to wait, so I am waiting for him!"
An off base communications center opened at Westover AFB, Mass. and a local bus company was hired to take the troops from the base to the site.
On the very first trip the bus loaded and the NCOIC (an E-8) told the driver he was going to make sure everyone was on board and for him to wait before leaving.
The E-8 left to make sure there were no stragglers and a brand new 2nd Lt boarded the bus, sat behind the driver and told him impatiently, "OK you can go now."
The driver then replied, "Who the H are you?"
The Lt tapped his bars and said, "I am a 2nd Lt and I say you can go now."
The driver replied, "No way, that guy with ALL those stripes on his arm said to wait, so I am waiting for him!"
- William Neff
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The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
- Michael Schuttenberg
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Two grunts were marching through the swamps of Louisiana fighting the muck, mire, and mosquitos when one of them saw two unusually large ones on his arm and heard them talking. One asked the other, "Shall we eat him here, or take him home with us." The other replied, "No, lets eat him here. If we take him home the big ones will take him away from us."
- Lawrence Brotherton
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Two old vets sitting on a bench at the VA Hospital watching pretty nurses walk by.
One vet says to the other,"you remember that stuff they put in our food during the war....Well, I think it's starting to work now."
One vet says to the other,"you remember that stuff they put in our food during the war....Well, I think it's starting to work now."
- Tom Turner
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An airman stationed in france met a new loverly girl was asked if he would come up to her apartment for dinner. He said sure! but what will you serve for dinner? She said Lambs tongue. Ugh! he said americans dont eat anything that comes from an animals mouth. She said ok mon ami, I will make you some eggs.
- Carl Gagliardi
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My nephew was visiting me for the long weekend while I had a Reserve Drill. I was in my BDU's and came out carrying my boots. He looked at me with his saucer eyes and paused for a moment, then said, "I know what kind of clothes your wearing!" I asked him what kind. He stated in a very posative tone, "HUP, TWO, TREE, clothes!!!"
- Marie5703
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q:how do you break up an afghani bingo party
a:yell out B-52 B-52
a:yell out B-52 B-52
- matt
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1st Sergeant to Private. "Hey Private, get your hands out of your pockets!"
Private "Yes, sir!"
1st Sgt "Don't call me Sir, I work for a living. I'll bet you just can't wait until I retire and die so you can come and pee on my grave, Huh ?"
Private "No, 1st Sgt. When I get out of this Army, I'm never going to stand in another line......."
Private "Yes, sir!"
1st Sgt "Don't call me Sir, I work for a living. I'll bet you just can't wait until I retire and die so you can come and pee on my grave, Huh ?"
Private "No, 1st Sgt. When I get out of this Army, I'm never going to stand in another line......."
- Dave Sims
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A Marine was running from two Drill Instructors fearing that they might send him to war. As he was running he bumped into a nun and asked her, "Sister please let me hide under your dress so my Drill Instructors wont send me off to war."
The nun let the Marine under and then immediately two men dressed in camoflauge ran by the nun. One of the Drill Instructors told the nun, "I dont mean to sound rude but you have the most beautiful legs I've ever seen."
Then the nun replied, "If you looked a little higher you will see two of the most beautiful pairs of balls."
The nun let the Marine under and then immediately two men dressed in camoflauge ran by the nun. One of the Drill Instructors told the nun, "I dont mean to sound rude but you have the most beautiful legs I've ever seen."
Then the nun replied, "If you looked a little higher you will see two of the most beautiful pairs of balls."
- Nicholas G. Pinto
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Three Air Force, Army & Marine Generals and a Navy Admiral were walking through a joint operation site bragging about the bravery of "their" men.
The Marine General challenged the others to prove their claims. He called a young Marine over and said "climb to the top of that flagpole and dive off". The young Marine saluted smartly, scuttled up the flag pole and dove to his death. The Marine General smiled smugly and said "See? Strict obedience to a command. That's bravery".
The Army General, not wanting to be outdone, called over a young private and gave the same order. The young private said "Sir?". The order was repeated, the private saluted smartly and met the same fate as the Marine. The Army General said "As soon as the private understood the order, he obeyed. That's bravery".
The Admiral then called over a young sailor and gave the same order. The sailor asked to have the order repeated several times and after being threatened with going to the brig, reluctantly climbed the flag pole and met his fate. The Admiral said "Obeying orders in spite of your fears is what I call brave!". The Air Force General chuckled to himself, called over a young Airman and gave the same order. The Airman said "Begging your pardon sir, but you're crazy if you think I'm going to throw my life away for nothing", saluted smartly and walked away. The AF General turned to the others who were standing with their jaws dropped and said "Now that's what I call brave!".
The Marine General challenged the others to prove their claims. He called a young Marine over and said "climb to the top of that flagpole and dive off". The young Marine saluted smartly, scuttled up the flag pole and dove to his death. The Marine General smiled smugly and said "See? Strict obedience to a command. That's bravery".
The Army General, not wanting to be outdone, called over a young private and gave the same order. The young private said "Sir?". The order was repeated, the private saluted smartly and met the same fate as the Marine. The Army General said "As soon as the private understood the order, he obeyed. That's bravery".
The Admiral then called over a young sailor and gave the same order. The sailor asked to have the order repeated several times and after being threatened with going to the brig, reluctantly climbed the flag pole and met his fate. The Admiral said "Obeying orders in spite of your fears is what I call brave!". The Air Force General chuckled to himself, called over a young Airman and gave the same order. The Airman said "Begging your pardon sir, but you're crazy if you think I'm going to throw my life away for nothing", saluted smartly and walked away. The AF General turned to the others who were standing with their jaws dropped and said "Now that's what I call brave!".
- M Droste
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Subject: God's Messenger... The Veteran
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold!
At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting ....................
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine responded: "God was busy. He sent me."
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold!
At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting ....................
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine responded: "God was busy. He sent me."
- James M. Jacka
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A Marine Driving a Jeep in the Camp, hit a rabbit and killed it. He got out, picked up the rabbit and wept.
A Lady Marine coming down the road stops and asks what's the problem.
"I just killed the Easter Bunny that was carrying Easter Eggs and now our little children will not be able to enjoy Easter," said the Marine.
The Lady Marine goes back to her verhicle, comes back with a can and sprays it on the rabbit. The Easter Bunny gets up, dusts himself off, picks up basket and eggs, goes up the road and every so often turns around and waves.
The Marine, shocked, reads the label on can. "Shake well and spray- -Restores Hair (Hare) and gives permanent wave."
A Lady Marine coming down the road stops and asks what's the problem.
"I just killed the Easter Bunny that was carrying Easter Eggs and now our little children will not be able to enjoy Easter," said the Marine.
The Lady Marine goes back to her verhicle, comes back with a can and sprays it on the rabbit. The Easter Bunny gets up, dusts himself off, picks up basket and eggs, goes up the road and every so often turns around and waves.
The Marine, shocked, reads the label on can. "Shake well and spray- -Restores Hair (Hare) and gives permanent wave."
- John Bohn
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An actual incident!
During the Cuban Missle Crisis, the SAC Command post at Eilson AFB, Alaska was on 24 Hour Alert. As the Ranking officer, Colonel Pancake called the Mess hall for delivery of food to the Staff.
When he identified himself as Col. Pancake, the enlisted airman the Mess Hall, replied "Yeah, and I'm Col. Syrup! come on down and I'll run all over you."
Colonel Pancake, who was not amuused in the least, charged to the Mess Hall to confront the Sergeant who answered the phone.
After a complete verbal reprimand the Colonel contacted the Mess Officer to instruct his men in proper telephone usage.
During the Cuban Missle Crisis, the SAC Command post at Eilson AFB, Alaska was on 24 Hour Alert. As the Ranking officer, Colonel Pancake called the Mess hall for delivery of food to the Staff.
When he identified himself as Col. Pancake, the enlisted airman the Mess Hall, replied "Yeah, and I'm Col. Syrup! come on down and I'll run all over you."
Colonel Pancake, who was not amuused in the least, charged to the Mess Hall to confront the Sergeant who answered the phone.
After a complete verbal reprimand the Colonel contacted the Mess Officer to instruct his men in proper telephone usage.
- Robert D. Breitkreutz
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