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MILITARY JOKES
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It was early morning June 6th 1944.
I was ordered by General Eisenhower to radio Nazi artillery bunkers and keep them talking so the gunners on the naval ships could zero in and blast them. I was only a little kid,just commissioned by the General that morning on the battlefield,and I spoke German fluently.
I radioed the first bunker and demanded in a gruff voice that they give me their co-ordinates. The person on the other end told me to hold the line and a short time later gave me their co-ordinate. The naval guns blasted them I radioed another bunker with the same line. This person hesitated for a while,asked me a few question then refused.The naval guns had time to locate them and blasted them also.
The third one I radioed was very co-operative and smooth,asked me to hold for a while and then gave me co-ordinates.laughing.
The naval gunners phoned the General back telling him the co-ordinates were for the city of London.
In the meantime the gunners had the real co-ordinates,and you know, we had the last laugh.
We all thought it was funny at the time.Don't know why.Ha.Ha.Ha.
I was ordered by General Eisenhower to radio Nazi artillery bunkers and keep them talking so the gunners on the naval ships could zero in and blast them. I was only a little kid,just commissioned by the General that morning on the battlefield,and I spoke German fluently.
I radioed the first bunker and demanded in a gruff voice that they give me their co-ordinates. The person on the other end told me to hold the line and a short time later gave me their co-ordinate. The naval guns blasted them I radioed another bunker with the same line. This person hesitated for a while,asked me a few question then refused.The naval guns had time to locate them and blasted them also.
The third one I radioed was very co-operative and smooth,asked me to hold for a while and then gave me co-ordinates.laughing.
The naval gunners phoned the General back telling him the co-ordinates were for the city of London.
In the meantime the gunners had the real co-ordinates,and you know, we had the last laugh.
We all thought it was funny at the time.Don't know why.Ha.Ha.Ha.
- wiliam windsor
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During an Airman's first day in basic training he was walking along. A second Leiutenant came from the opposite direction and the ariman failed to salute the officer.
The officer called him back to the Airman to chew him out, "Airman," he said, "how long have you been this AirForce?!"
The Airman replied, "All day sir."
The officer called him back to the Airman to chew him out, "Airman," he said, "how long have you been this AirForce?!"
The Airman replied, "All day sir."
- costa piperakis
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One night Private Barnes was walking down the railroad tracks after drinking in town, trying to find his way back to the barracks. When he comes across an arm with a tattoo, he drunkenly says, "damn that looks like Sergeant Johnson's arm!"
A couple of hundred feet further he comes up on a leg and says, "damn, that looks like Johnson's leg!"
Further up Private Barnes sees a head, "Gosh Darn, Sergeant Johnson, Are you hurt?!"
A couple of hundred feet further he comes up on a leg and says, "damn, that looks like Johnson's leg!"
Further up Private Barnes sees a head, "Gosh Darn, Sergeant Johnson, Are you hurt?!"
- Brad Andersen
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One morning at PT, First Sergeant told the maintenance section that we had a new motor sergeant and he will be in the motorpool at 0830.
We reported to the motorpool at 0830 to find the new motor sergeant not there. I decide to grab a snack from the snack machine when he walked in.
He stood there looking at me with this angry expression on his face, which scared me a little. I grab my snacks and walked into his office. We then heard loud bangs and yelling outside.
We all ran out of the office to find the new motor sergeant punching and kicking the snack machine. I asked him, "Sergeant, what's the problem?"
Looking disturbed and confused, he turned and asked, "are the snacks in this machine free or do you have to put money in it?"
I looked around to keep from laughting and replied, "Sergeant, you have to wait until you take the pt test to get your pin number."
We reported to the motorpool at 0830 to find the new motor sergeant not there. I decide to grab a snack from the snack machine when he walked in.
He stood there looking at me with this angry expression on his face, which scared me a little. I grab my snacks and walked into his office. We then heard loud bangs and yelling outside.
We all ran out of the office to find the new motor sergeant punching and kicking the snack machine. I asked him, "Sergeant, what's the problem?"
Looking disturbed and confused, he turned and asked, "are the snacks in this machine free or do you have to put money in it?"
I looked around to keep from laughting and replied, "Sergeant, you have to wait until you take the pt test to get your pin number."
- keyes
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True Story
While stationed at Ft Bragg Army Airfield as an a/c inspector, a friend's wife came (both avid bird hunters) to pick him up.
A company was having a fly-by. His wife looked up and said, "Look honey! There's a whole flock of them."
While stationed at Ft Bragg Army Airfield as an a/c inspector, a friend's wife came (both avid bird hunters) to pick him up.
A company was having a fly-by. His wife looked up and said, "Look honey! There's a whole flock of them."
- bob samples (RET. ARMY SFC)
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Private Snuffy was in his garden filling in a hole when a General passing by in his staff car peered out the window and was interested in what the Private was doing. The General exited the vehicle and asked Private Snuffy "Are you practicing your foxhole digging skills?"
"No sir, my goldfish died," replied the Private without looking up, "and I've just buried him".
The General was moved by the soldier's emotions and asked, "Why is the hole so big for a goldfish?"
Private Snuffy, as he patted down the last pile of earth said, "Sir, my goldfish is buried inside your dog!"
"No sir, my goldfish died," replied the Private without looking up, "and I've just buried him".
The General was moved by the soldier's emotions and asked, "Why is the hole so big for a goldfish?"
Private Snuffy, as he patted down the last pile of earth said, "Sir, my goldfish is buried inside your dog!"
- roger l. kehrier
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An Retired Veteran living in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and an American Flag blowing from atop a tall pole. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old Veteran decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old Veteran frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked." Holding the bucket up he smiled and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the Story: Old Veterans can still think fast to get their way.
One evening the old Veteran decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old Veteran frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked." Holding the bucket up he smiled and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the Story: Old Veterans can still think fast to get their way.
- John S
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A foot soldier, a green beret, and a military intelligence operator were all captured and the enemy was going to use their new guillotine to behead them.
Before the infantry soldier was to be put to death he was asked if he had any last words. He said "God Bless America." The blade came down halfway and stopped.
The Muslim Priest said, "Allah apparently doesn't want this man to die, we've gotta let him go."
Then the Green Beret was next and they asked him if he had any last words and he said, "I'll be avenged by quiet death falling from the sky."
The blade fell and stopped halfway. The Muslim priest said, "Apparently Allah doesn't want this man to die, we've gotta turn him loose.
Then last, the military intelligence operator was next and they asked him if he had any last words and he said, "In military intelligence we wouldn't have dummies like you who can't see that there's a knot in your gadget's rope."
Before the infantry soldier was to be put to death he was asked if he had any last words. He said "God Bless America." The blade came down halfway and stopped.
The Muslim Priest said, "Allah apparently doesn't want this man to die, we've gotta let him go."
Then the Green Beret was next and they asked him if he had any last words and he said, "I'll be avenged by quiet death falling from the sky."
The blade fell and stopped halfway. The Muslim priest said, "Apparently Allah doesn't want this man to die, we've gotta turn him loose.
Then last, the military intelligence operator was next and they asked him if he had any last words and he said, "In military intelligence we wouldn't have dummies like you who can't see that there's a knot in your gadget's rope."
- Roger Petry
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It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base.
All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make one velly, velly selious mistrake!"
All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make one velly, velly selious mistrake!"
- Bill McDaniel
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An Air Force fighter pilot sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a beautiful young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the man in the flight suit and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying jets, deploying overseas, going to Fighter Weapons schools, dodging SAMs, jinking through anti aircraft barrages, over taking aircrafts in dog fights, wearing big watches, and strapping into F-22s, F-16s, F-15s and Speed Jeans, so I guess I am a fighter pilot."
At that the beautiful young woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the pilot and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
The Pilot replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying jets, deploying overseas, going to Fighter Weapons schools, dodging SAMs, jinking through anti aircraft barrages, over taking aircrafts in dog fights, wearing big watches, and strapping into F-22s, F-16s, F-15s and Speed Jeans, so I guess I am a fighter pilot."
At that the beautiful young woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the pilot and asked, "Are you a real fighter pilot?"
The Pilot replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
- Bill McDaniel
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In WWII the 101st Airborne Division was jumping with bicycles so that when they hit the ground they just unhooked their chutes and cycled off.
One Paratrooper jumped and his chute would not open! He tried and tried but the chute still would not open.
As he was about to hit the ground he was heard to say, "And I bet the bicycle doesn't work either!!"
One Paratrooper jumped and his chute would not open! He tried and tried but the chute still would not open.
As he was about to hit the ground he was heard to say, "And I bet the bicycle doesn't work either!!"
- RICK MIZE
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We all had left Germanshiem Army depot going on REFORGER in 1978 and as we all were on that long train ride to the training area everyone in our Chapparrel Platoon made a pact that no one would change their drawers the whole time we was in the field. That way when the exercise was over and we off loaded our missile system from the train we would then tie everyones drawers to the antenna and show the "colors" proudly when we drove back on base.
Well the exercise lasted for over two weeks and everyone was honest and true to their word and never changed their drawers until the last day when we got a hot shower.
Now to let everyone know we din't go the whole two weeks without bathing, as we washed up and shaved eachday and even got a shower at the mid-break point when everyone stopped for about 72 hours to rest and repair. We even changed our uniform a few times, but we never changed the drawers. After each bath we put the same pair back on and boy let me tell you by the end of that two weeks you never got down wind of a fellow platoon member.
I beleive our PSG was the worst one of the bunch. It seems while on the chow runs he would pick up boiled eggs and milk and ate them like they were going out of style and if you have ever ate boiled eggs and drank milk with them you know what will be coming down the pipe in a day or two.
Well after we had gotten all of our drawers in order on the antenna, ie. squad leader, senior gunner, driver, assistant gunner and assistant driver we took off heading back to the base with the platoon leaders jeep in front and then 1st squad, 2nd squad, 3rd squad, 4th Squad and then the PSG's duece and a half truck was the last in line.
The battery commander and first sergeant was already back waiting at the front gate to welcome us home. We all were in high spirits, all thinking how good we looked, dress right and cover down and thinking of seeing all the pretty girls at the club that night when we got the biggest shock of our young lives. Instead of the BC and First Sergeant waiting for us at the front gate, the Base Commander, his wife and all of the Battery's wives and girlfriends and the mayor, his wife and other dignitaries from the local town were all standing there with flags waving and posters welcoming us home and a stand with several cakes and cookies and drinks for us to enjoy.
When they saw what was waving from our antenna's it was like all slowed down in slow motin as their eyes got real big and the hands went to cover their mouths and then the mayor started to laugh and as he did, many others did as well. We continued on to the motorpool and By the time we got everything stored away and got back to the goodies, the base commander had returned to his office demanding our Battery Commander, First Sergeant,our Platoon Leader and Platoon Sergeant be there standing in front of him explaining how dirty drawers became part of our assigned equipment!
It all ended in fun, with no one getting busted or court martitaled and everyone had a great laugh and some great eats. It was sad to say though the flying of unoffical colors was not authorized anymore, but due to the Combat Instincts of every GI, we had many more high level coups that we still laugh about today and maybe someone else will tell them. Way to go D 2/67 ADA 1st PLT!!!!
Well the exercise lasted for over two weeks and everyone was honest and true to their word and never changed their drawers until the last day when we got a hot shower.
Now to let everyone know we din't go the whole two weeks without bathing, as we washed up and shaved eachday and even got a shower at the mid-break point when everyone stopped for about 72 hours to rest and repair. We even changed our uniform a few times, but we never changed the drawers. After each bath we put the same pair back on and boy let me tell you by the end of that two weeks you never got down wind of a fellow platoon member.
I beleive our PSG was the worst one of the bunch. It seems while on the chow runs he would pick up boiled eggs and milk and ate them like they were going out of style and if you have ever ate boiled eggs and drank milk with them you know what will be coming down the pipe in a day or two.
Well after we had gotten all of our drawers in order on the antenna, ie. squad leader, senior gunner, driver, assistant gunner and assistant driver we took off heading back to the base with the platoon leaders jeep in front and then 1st squad, 2nd squad, 3rd squad, 4th Squad and then the PSG's duece and a half truck was the last in line.
The battery commander and first sergeant was already back waiting at the front gate to welcome us home. We all were in high spirits, all thinking how good we looked, dress right and cover down and thinking of seeing all the pretty girls at the club that night when we got the biggest shock of our young lives. Instead of the BC and First Sergeant waiting for us at the front gate, the Base Commander, his wife and all of the Battery's wives and girlfriends and the mayor, his wife and other dignitaries from the local town were all standing there with flags waving and posters welcoming us home and a stand with several cakes and cookies and drinks for us to enjoy.
When they saw what was waving from our antenna's it was like all slowed down in slow motin as their eyes got real big and the hands went to cover their mouths and then the mayor started to laugh and as he did, many others did as well. We continued on to the motorpool and By the time we got everything stored away and got back to the goodies, the base commander had returned to his office demanding our Battery Commander, First Sergeant,our Platoon Leader and Platoon Sergeant be there standing in front of him explaining how dirty drawers became part of our assigned equipment!
It all ended in fun, with no one getting busted or court martitaled and everyone had a great laugh and some great eats. It was sad to say though the flying of unoffical colors was not authorized anymore, but due to the Combat Instincts of every GI, we had many more high level coups that we still laugh about today and maybe someone else will tell them. Way to go D 2/67 ADA 1st PLT!!!!
- Terry Bateman
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A 75 yr old retired Colonel was married to a 25 yr old blonde. For years he had always told her that when he died that he wanted all his money placed in his casket so that his friends wouldn't say that she married him for his money.
Three yrs later he died. At the conclusion of the ceremony as the undertaker was closing the casket the blonde placed a box in the coffin with her husband.
Her girlfriend said "Girl, you surely didn't give him his money in that box did you?!"
The blonde replied, "I wrote him a check. If he cashes it I'm broke."
Three yrs later he died. At the conclusion of the ceremony as the undertaker was closing the casket the blonde placed a box in the coffin with her husband.
Her girlfriend said "Girl, you surely didn't give him his money in that box did you?!"
The blonde replied, "I wrote him a check. If he cashes it I'm broke."
- Roger
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Question: What do you call a 4 Star Admiral with his pocket unbuttoned?
Answer: Unsat!!
Answer: Unsat!!
- Boz
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During my enjoyable stint in the Air Force, I took advantage of the base chapels that were a part of most air force bases. In an effort to help support these facilities, which I regret have fallen into oblivian, I decided to teach a military sunday school class.
One Easter, I asked the little 8 year old daughter of a staff sergeant, "What does Easter mean?"
She said, "That was the day the Jesus came out of the grave."
I said, "That's right, but what happened next?"
I nearly fell off my seat when she said in the sweetest possible way, "I think He saw His shadow, and had to go back in for six more weeks!"
One Easter, I asked the little 8 year old daughter of a staff sergeant, "What does Easter mean?"
She said, "That was the day the Jesus came out of the grave."
I said, "That's right, but what happened next?"
I nearly fell off my seat when she said in the sweetest possible way, "I think He saw His shadow, and had to go back in for six more weeks!"
- Barry Dutton
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