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MILITARY JOKES
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A retired veteran had arthritis so bad that he had to retire to a nursing home. There he was still moving with difficulty, the facility manager, spoke with his nurse about a new theraphy.
He instructed the nurse to secretely pour a shot of irish whiskey in his milk before he took breakfast. It worked -- the vet was moving like a man of 20.
A few years later he got deathly ill, though, and he asked the nurse to bring the manager. She did, and the manager asked, "What can i do to help?"
The veteran whispered in his ear and then passed away. The nurse asked the manager what the vet's last words were?
The manager replied, "he said whatever we do, don't sell our cow!"
He instructed the nurse to secretely pour a shot of irish whiskey in his milk before he took breakfast. It worked -- the vet was moving like a man of 20.
A few years later he got deathly ill, though, and he asked the nurse to bring the manager. She did, and the manager asked, "What can i do to help?"
The veteran whispered in his ear and then passed away. The nurse asked the manager what the vet's last words were?
The manager replied, "he said whatever we do, don't sell our cow!"
- jim
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Saddam was marching his troops in the desert when they stopped to rest. From the other side of the sand dune Saddam heard a voice, strong and defiant, yelling, "One U.S. Marine is better than two Iraqi soldiers!" Sadam was mad. He sent his two best soldiers over the dune. A firefight ensued lasting an hour. Finally, all fell silent. Saddam and his men stood silently listening, watching.
From over the dune came the voice again, "One U.S. Marine is better than ten Iraqi soldiers!" Sadam was furious. He chose his ten elite to head over the dune. Once again, the firefight ensued. After 2 hours, the battle fell silent as Saddam and his men listened and watched. Once again the voice came, louder and more defiant than before, "One U.S. Marine is better than one hundered Iraqi soldiers!" Sadam shook his head and sent the top 100 of what was left of his troups. Again..the firefight ensued. Shots rang out, screaming...explosions. After 5 hours the battle fell silent.
The voice yelled over the dune, "One U.S. Marine is better than 1000 Iraqi soldiers!" That was it. Sadam summoned the best of his best, his assassins, elite guards and crack men. All 1000 of them went over the dune at the same time like locust. Once again the battle raged for 10 hours. Explosions, screaming, gunfire, missles, gernades. Finally, the fight fell silent. Sadam waited with a smug smirk on his face when over the dune crawled a lone, broken, burned, maimed Iraqi solder. "Its a trap!" Groaned the soldier. "Don't send more troops! It's a trap! There are two of them!"
- Amy Swords
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A soldier was home on leave and thought he would keep up his fitness routine.
So, he was on his lawn doing push ups when a drunk, who was walking down the street, saw him and yelled, "Hey Buddy! I believe your gal got up and left!!"
So, he was on his lawn doing push ups when a drunk, who was walking down the street, saw him and yelled, "Hey Buddy! I believe your gal got up and left!!"
- jim harp
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Zipper Down
A retired veteran walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open. I mean your fly is open."
He smiled, zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so-when he reached the counter, he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see an impressive soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady, smarter than the man, thought for a moment and said, "Oh no, I didn't. All I saw was a little guy sitting on a couple of tattered duffel bags."
A retired veteran walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open. I mean your fly is open."
He smiled, zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so-when he reached the counter, he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see an impressive soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady, smarter than the man, thought for a moment and said, "Oh no, I didn't. All I saw was a little guy sitting on a couple of tattered duffel bags."
- anonymous
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- Mike
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This was seen in Reader's Digest, probably in the early fifties or mid sixties. It was submitted by a lady on an overnight train. She was sitting opposite, and facing, a pretty young lady, and across the aisle was an uniformed serviceman.
The young lady curled up on the seat to get some rest, and the serviceman really attempted to avert his eyes from her legs, and her skirt that kept edging upward toward her waist.
At some time during the night, the gal awoke, stirred, and pulled her skirt down further. The action drew the serviceman's eyes, briefly, but it was noticed by the girl.
"I can see your certainly not a gentleman," she said rather sarcastically.
He replied: "And I can certainly see that you aren't one, too."
The young lady curled up on the seat to get some rest, and the serviceman really attempted to avert his eyes from her legs, and her skirt that kept edging upward toward her waist.
At some time during the night, the gal awoke, stirred, and pulled her skirt down further. The action drew the serviceman's eyes, briefly, but it was noticed by the girl.
"I can see your certainly not a gentleman," she said rather sarcastically.
He replied: "And I can certainly see that you aren't one, too."
- Richard Herzfeld
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Sgt Homer,a handsome dude,walks into the NCO Club and sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.The 10:00 PM news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looks at Sgt Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"
Sgt Homer says,"You know,I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied. "Well,I bet he won't."
Sgt Homer placed a $20 dollar bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off of the building and fell to his death. The blonde was very upset and hand hand her $20 dollars to Sgt Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
Sgt Homer replies. "I ca't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and I knew he would jump."
The blonde replies,"I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looks at Sgt Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"
Sgt Homer says,"You know,I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied. "Well,I bet he won't."
Sgt Homer placed a $20 dollar bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off of the building and fell to his death. The blonde was very upset and hand hand her $20 dollars to Sgt Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
Sgt Homer replies. "I ca't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and I knew he would jump."
The blonde replies,"I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
- Msg Joe G Inocencio Ret
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True Story.
When I was a teenage Navy brat living in Rota, Spain, I did a lot of babysitting. On one such occassion, the little lady I was babysitting, who was about 5 came into the bathroom while I was otherwise occupied.
Not understanding about privacy, she stood there conversing with me while I finished my business. Out of the blue, she looks at me and asks, 'When I get older, am I gonna have hair on my gina(as she called it) like you and my mommy?
Not knowing what else to say, I assured her that when she got older, she would indeed. It's little things like this that come back to haunt you.
Several weeks later, her father decided to get a hair cut and brought his young daughter to the busy barber shop located next to an equally busy PX. I'm guessing it was the hair all over the floor that made her think of it, but right there in front of quite a few other men waiting their turns, she announced in a very clear, very loud voice, "Daddy, when I get older, I'm gonna have hair on my gina just like mommy."
His response was an aghast, "Who told you that?" Didn't I hear it after that. You really got to watch what you say to kids. OOOps!
When I was a teenage Navy brat living in Rota, Spain, I did a lot of babysitting. On one such occassion, the little lady I was babysitting, who was about 5 came into the bathroom while I was otherwise occupied.
Not understanding about privacy, she stood there conversing with me while I finished my business. Out of the blue, she looks at me and asks, 'When I get older, am I gonna have hair on my gina(as she called it) like you and my mommy?
Not knowing what else to say, I assured her that when she got older, she would indeed. It's little things like this that come back to haunt you.
Several weeks later, her father decided to get a hair cut and brought his young daughter to the busy barber shop located next to an equally busy PX. I'm guessing it was the hair all over the floor that made her think of it, but right there in front of quite a few other men waiting their turns, she announced in a very clear, very loud voice, "Daddy, when I get older, I'm gonna have hair on my gina just like mommy."
His response was an aghast, "Who told you that?" Didn't I hear it after that. You really got to watch what you say to kids. OOOps!
- A. Stacey
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After graduation from boot camp, a young sailor was
looking forward to a nice relaxing train ride home.
Shortly after the train left the station, a very old
woman escorted by her young very pretty daughter
was also looking for a seat and asked if they might
share the booth with him, which of course he
agreed.
A short time the sailor spotted his boot camp drill instructor coming down the isle also looking for a seat. After recognizing the sailor, the drill instructor just helped himself to the seat next to the sailor anxious to meet the pretty young girl. After a long while riding in silent, the train entered a very dark long tunnel. Shortly a loud kiss was heard followed by an obvious painful slap.
After the train exited the dark tunnel, the young daughter was very mortified thinking one of the service men chose to sneak a kiss from her old ugly mother instead of her. The mother was enjoying knowing one of the service men took the opportunity to steal a kiss from her pretty young daughter.
The young sailor was enjoying seeing the drill instructor's face red while thinking: "What a great opportunity that was, kiss my own arm and slap the hell of my drill instructor and get away with it!"
A short time the sailor spotted his boot camp drill instructor coming down the isle also looking for a seat. After recognizing the sailor, the drill instructor just helped himself to the seat next to the sailor anxious to meet the pretty young girl. After a long while riding in silent, the train entered a very dark long tunnel. Shortly a loud kiss was heard followed by an obvious painful slap.
After the train exited the dark tunnel, the young daughter was very mortified thinking one of the service men chose to sneak a kiss from her old ugly mother instead of her. The mother was enjoying knowing one of the service men took the opportunity to steal a kiss from her pretty young daughter.
The young sailor was enjoying seeing the drill instructor's face red while thinking: "What a great opportunity that was, kiss my own arm and slap the hell of my drill instructor and get away with it!"
- Alton Johnson, AEC(Ret).
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A commercial airliner with a load of brand new Army recruits on board took off into space and a few minutes later the captain came out of the cabin, announced who he was and walked down the aisle among the frightened cadets.
Trying to act calm and friendly he stopped by the seat of one particularly scared and shaking recruit. He bent over and with a big smile asked, "Well son, where are we going this evening?"
To which the the recruit answered, "Oh my God, you mean YOU don't know?"
Trying to act calm and friendly he stopped by the seat of one particularly scared and shaking recruit. He bent over and with a big smile asked, "Well son, where are we going this evening?"
To which the the recruit answered, "Oh my God, you mean YOU don't know?"
- Jerry
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While attending NCO Academy at Keesler AFB in Mississippi, we were supposed to run every other day for Personal Conditioning.
One day, I was running by the supply area and another guy joined me. We would meet this way every once in a while and converse while we were running. One afternoon, my instructors grilled me as to whether or not I had been running on schedule and when I replied that I was, they wanted proof.
Since I didn't know the last name of the man I was running with, I did my best to respond. After that, the guy I ran with, didn't show up anymore.
Desert Shield was taking shape and I figured he was busy with that. At my graduation, I was surprised to see that the man I had been running with was the same person handing out the graduation certificates. Much to the astonishment of my instructors, he addressed me by my first name and asked me how things were going.
Later, they cornered me and wanted to know how I knew him on a first name basis. After I told them, they told me who he was. There were to be no more questions about my training status after that. The man in question was the Base Commander!
One day, I was running by the supply area and another guy joined me. We would meet this way every once in a while and converse while we were running. One afternoon, my instructors grilled me as to whether or not I had been running on schedule and when I replied that I was, they wanted proof.
Since I didn't know the last name of the man I was running with, I did my best to respond. After that, the guy I ran with, didn't show up anymore.
Desert Shield was taking shape and I figured he was busy with that. At my graduation, I was surprised to see that the man I had been running with was the same person handing out the graduation certificates. Much to the astonishment of my instructors, he addressed me by my first name and asked me how things were going.
Later, they cornered me and wanted to know how I knew him on a first name basis. After I told them, they told me who he was. There were to be no more questions about my training status after that. The man in question was the Base Commander!
- Roy Fitz
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Maintenance Write-Ups
AF Form 781 is aboard all Air Force aircraft to record any malfunctions so maintenance personnel can fix the problem before the next flight. Here are some of the problems (P) as posted by the aircrews and solutions (S) of the maintenance personnel to clear the write-up:
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, but autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal, other three propeller lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in the cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in the cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) Distance Measuring Equipment (DME) volume unbelieveably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believeable level.
(P) Autopilot in "altitude hold" mode produces 200 fpm decent.
(S) Could not duplicate on the ground.
(P) Dead bugs on windscreen
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what its there for.
(P) #3 engine missing.
(S) #3 engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed target radar to sing.
Personal Story: One night, with maintenance problems still unsolved and a late takeoff eminent, I got a little pushy with a young maintainer. With a grin, his response was, "Sir, machinery just doesn't respond to intense hatred."
AF Form 781 is aboard all Air Force aircraft to record any malfunctions so maintenance personnel can fix the problem before the next flight. Here are some of the problems (P) as posted by the aircrews and solutions (S) of the maintenance personnel to clear the write-up:
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, but autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal, other three propeller lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in the cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in the cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) Distance Measuring Equipment (DME) volume unbelieveably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believeable level.
(P) Autopilot in "altitude hold" mode produces 200 fpm decent.
(S) Could not duplicate on the ground.
(P) Dead bugs on windscreen
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what its there for.
(P) #3 engine missing.
(S) #3 engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed target radar to sing.
Personal Story: One night, with maintenance problems still unsolved and a late takeoff eminent, I got a little pushy with a young maintainer. With a grin, his response was, "Sir, machinery just doesn't respond to intense hatred."
- Richard D. Fagley, LtCol(Ret), USAF
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a general observed a private policing the area. he approached the private and the private snapped to immediate attention. the general said, "a colonel who reports to me said that he believes making love is fun.well, soldier, i believe that making love is work. who is right, son, the colonel or me?" Quick as a wink, the private said, "with all due respect to the general, i believe that making love is fun, so the colonel is right." the general said, "how do you figure that, son?" the private broke eye contact, looked down and said, "well, sir, i figure that if there was any work to making love, they'd probably have me doing it, sir."
- stanley heller
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Dirty Magazines And The Marines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
- Steve Swartz, 167th ANG(ret)
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A Califonia AF Reserve unit was attending an Air Force security police ground combat school in Texas. A young troop was having difficulty figuring out how to hook up his load bearing equipment to his web belt, and was begining to show signs of frustration.
An instructor came over and demonstrated how the LBE attached to the web belt. "There," the instructor said, "you don't have to be a rocket scientist."
The young Airman looked at the instructor and slowly replied, "I am a rocket scientist."
An instructor came over and demonstrated how the LBE attached to the web belt. "There," the instructor said, "you don't have to be a rocket scientist."
The young Airman looked at the instructor and slowly replied, "I am a rocket scientist."
- Walter
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