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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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One day there was a bad accident that killed one member from each branch of the service the Marine, Air Force, Navy, and the Army. They were standing at the golden gates to heaven and started arguing about which service was better. So they ask John, all of a sudden a dove appears and John writes the question and sends the dove back. a bit later the dove returnes and John reads the letter it says "Gentlemen, you should all be proud of the services that you were in and signed, God - Master Gunny USMC.
- Jason Grainger
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(This actually happened) Loisel was the company black sheep. We were walking together down the company street when our Captain passed by. He said to Loisel,"Is that your cigar butt laying there? Loisel answered, "No sir, you saw it first".
- Bernard Grzebinski
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There was these 2 snipers one was russian the other was polish , it was christmas time , the russian spotted the polish first but he stopped to think about it first he was having a conscience attack about taking his shot, so he snuck up unto the polish sniper , as he creeped around the corner the Pollock frozed dead fo he knew he had and dropped his weapon, the russian tried to talk to him to find what he was so he jestured as much as he could with hands so that he could get across what he was trying to say, so he made a jesture with his hands that likea and arch and asked him are you paratrooper ? no response, then he made like fingers walking asking are you infantry ? no reponse ... then he mad a jesture like his shooting forward throw the other hand and extending his arm forward asking are you artlery spotter , the guy stood back a little was getting worried, finally the russian was all out of ideas he put his hand to his head like he was holding a pair of binoculars and pulled his hands forward adn said are you forward observer that was the last straw the Polish sniper took off running.. he arrived back at his base his co was there what the hell are you doing back here he asked , the sniper said there is no way that im going back out there those russians are sneaky theare so sneaky that one sneaked up on me and told me what he was going to do , the co said what? so the sniper making the jestures as the russian had did to him and was saying " As the sun comes down that he was going to march done to where iam at and screw me inthe ass untill my eyes popped out!!!!!!!!!!
- craig fields
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There was a blond in the Military and she got sent off to a war in Vetnam. She is sitting in a fox hole and she ask a soilder next to her " Who is this Charlie guy we are looking for?"
- Vash
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During a Joint training excersise, Army and Marine soldiers along with navy seabees were camped out on any open space available on base. Early in the morning an air force officer approached a group of soldiers and told them to move all of their gear. When the officer in charge asked the air force officers why, They responded that they could put their camp back up in a couple of hours. The soldiers still had a confused look so the air force officers tried to explain that they had an 8 o'clock tee time and the soldiers were camped out on the eighth hole.
- Barry Carter
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One day SGM Jones walks into an establishment looking for a good time. Says to the madame, "I want the best woman in the house." 30 seconds later the hottest woman walks into the room and proceeds to lead SGM upstairs. Once upstairs, he undresses and says he wants to show her a trick, and she obliges. He told her to watch as he said "Attention," and immediately had an erection. He then said "At ease," and went limp. He repeated a couple of times... She was so impressed, she had to show the other girls in the house. The SGM happily agreed to show them. Finally on the last attempt he said, "Attention" and stood erect. He then said, "At ease!" But nothing happened. He repeated again, "At ease!" Still nothing. He did twice more, still nothing but erection. He told them, "Excuse me a moment." He masturbates and then says "I had to give a private a dishonorable discharge."
- John Brown
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There was this wealthy good looking lady in her thirties that could not find the right husband. Three tries and still unsuccessful. The first husband used her as a punching bag. The second will kick her when she did not do what he expected. The third was a lousy lover, bad in bed. She then advertised that she was looking for a husband, one that will not punch her, will not kick her, and good lover in bed. Two weeks later her door bell rang and as she look out did not she anyone. She opened the door and there stood a Marine combat veteran. She lady asked, may I help you? The Marine replied I am answering the Ad on the paper on your search for a husband. She said, I can see that you will not be able to punch or kick me but how can you prove you are good in bed. The Marine replied and how do think I rang the door bell Lady!
- Benjamin Guerrero, USMC
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On a MAC flight from Charleston to Germany the following occurred. About an hour into the flight, the Captain came on the speaker informing us that we had lost an engine, but not to worry; the plane could fly on three engines. We would be an hour late in our arrival.
An hour later, again the Captain informs us we have lost another engine, but not to worry; the plane can fly on two engines. However, we will be two hours late in our arrival.
About forty-five minutes later, once again the Captain tell us we'll be three hours late because we've lost the third engine, but not to worry; the plane can fly on only one engine.
The Marine Second Lieutenant sitting next to me turns to me and says, "I hope we don't lose that last engine, we'll be up here all day."
An hour later, again the Captain informs us we have lost another engine, but not to worry; the plane can fly on two engines. However, we will be two hours late in our arrival.
About forty-five minutes later, once again the Captain tell us we'll be three hours late because we've lost the third engine, but not to worry; the plane can fly on only one engine.
The Marine Second Lieutenant sitting next to me turns to me and says, "I hope we don't lose that last engine, we'll be up here all day."
- William
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Joint Armed service personnel were having a block party get together and as luck would have it a Green Beret asks this Officer (Air Force) WAF if sheeee fooools around, cold as ice she sayyyys NOT with enlisted personnel. This GB looks & then looks again and asks "well sir would you hold still while I do?
- Patrick Adams
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A colonel stopped a young E-2 for not saluting him. The Colonel asked whay the private did not salute. The private replied that he couldn't salute because we never salute indoors. The colonel replied, "But we're not indoors young private!" The private retorted, "We must be sir...you don't have your cover on!"
- F. Teller
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Never Ask a Gunny!!!
A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.
The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears."
A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.
The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses." The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears.
"And how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears."
- Mike Laudenslayer
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A young first lieutenant and a warrant officer were in the O. club latrine at Ft. Bragg, doing their business at the urinal. Well the W.O. finishes up first, then heads out the door, and the lieutenant call's to him, my mother always taught me to wash my hand after using the urinal. The W.O. thought this over for a few seconds, and then replied, my mother always taught me not to piss on my fingers.
- James E. Tarr
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A Major and Sgt. were having a heated discussion on how to complete a report. The Maj. finally could take no more and said "you will do it my way and this is a direct order". The Sgt. replied "I am going to give you the same reply that I gave the Base Commander when he ordered me to remove my car from his parking spot" What was that" asked the Maj?----"Yes sir" replied the Sgt.
- norm payne
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The Chiefs of staff are bragging about who has the troops with the most guts. The Army Chief of Staff says, I'll prove it first. A Green Beret Sgt is walking by, and the General says "Sgt, Pilot that helocopter to that Island, Land it, using only your M-16, kill everything there. The green beret says "Yes Sir" and proceedes to do it.
The Navy Chief of staff says" That's Nothing" a Seal is Walking by and he yells, "Seal, swim out to that boat, totally under water, and kill all aboard using only your K-Bar." The seal replies "Eye Eye Sir", aand proceedes with his mission, impressing the Army Chief of Staff.
The Comandant of the Marine Corps braggs that his FMF troops are the tuffest, and to prove it barks at a passing Cpl, you are to proceed to the top of that mountain there, low crawling the entire way, and kikll the 200 people there using only your bare hands. The Cpl shouts Eye Eye Sir and a Urrah for good measure and proceedes with his mission. The Army and Navy Chiefs are really impressed, however the Air Force chief of Staff is doubled over laughing.
When asked wyh he is laughing so hard, he replies, "If you want to see bravery, Guts and nerve, watch this".
An Airman 1 striper is walking past with his hands in his pockets, hat on backwards and the chief of staff barks "Airman" the airman spits out his gum and says "WHAT" The General then says "Pick up that cigarette butt."
The airman replies "Drop Dead". Now that is bravery.
The Navy Chief of staff says" That's Nothing" a Seal is Walking by and he yells, "Seal, swim out to that boat, totally under water, and kill all aboard using only your K-Bar." The seal replies "Eye Eye Sir", aand proceedes with his mission, impressing the Army Chief of Staff.
The Comandant of the Marine Corps braggs that his FMF troops are the tuffest, and to prove it barks at a passing Cpl, you are to proceed to the top of that mountain there, low crawling the entire way, and kikll the 200 people there using only your bare hands. The Cpl shouts Eye Eye Sir and a Urrah for good measure and proceedes with his mission. The Army and Navy Chiefs are really impressed, however the Air Force chief of Staff is doubled over laughing.
When asked wyh he is laughing so hard, he replies, "If you want to see bravery, Guts and nerve, watch this".
An Airman 1 striper is walking past with his hands in his pockets, hat on backwards and the chief of staff barks "Airman" the airman spits out his gum and says "WHAT" The General then says "Pick up that cigarette butt."
The airman replies "Drop Dead". Now that is bravery.
- Jack P. USAF (Ret)
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D.W.Morris an 82 year retired Sgt/T5,went to see the doctor to get a physical.A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgious young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said,"You're really doing great,aren't you?"
Morris repied,"Just doing what you said Doc". "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said," I didn't say that,I said,'You've got a heart murmur,and be carful.
Morris repied,"Just doing what you said Doc". "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said," I didn't say that,I said,'You've got a heart murmur,and be carful.
- Joe G Inocencio
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