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MILITARY JOKES
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The Master Chief Petty Officer and the Master Gunnery Sergeant
Two old friends, one a Marine and one a Sailor meet in a bar one day (I know it may be hard to imagine either a Sailor or a Marine being in a bar ? but hear the tale). They began to discuss which of them had had the more difficult and dangerous 30 year career.
The retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant begins:
?I graduated from High School, the next morning I was on the train for Parris Island, South Carolina. Following Boot Camp I found myself in a Regiment assigned to the Iwo Jima assault. With my fellow Marines we fought our way to the top of Mount Suribachi.
?In Korea I was with ?Chesty? Puller at Inchon, then we fought our way toward the Yalu River. In the cold Korean winter we fought at the Battle of Chosin Reservoir,
?I ended my career after Viet Nam where I spent 3 months in the Battle of Khe Sanh after stomping through endless rice paddies.?
The Navy Master Chief looked him in the eye and took a long draw on his bottle of beer and said simply:
?Well, it figures, all shore duty?.
- Rok2
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Two just released servicemen get off a plane in Hopkins, SC their home town. The first one is an E5 buck sergeant the second is a Captain. Both had just ETS'd and were wondering what they were going to do for a job. The Enlisted man told the officer they could buy a mule and plow for other people. The Captain scratched his head a little and said alright. So they buy a mule and plow him the first day. The mule was sweating a pretty good bit. The sergeant tells the Captain we better take this mule down to the creek and let him drink some water. The Captain scratches his head again and says alright. They take him down to the creek and he wont drink. The sergeant says to the Captain Ill tell you what well hold his head down in the water and he will have to drink. The Captain scratches his head again and says alright. The hold his head down in the water and he still wont drink. The Sergeant says to the Captain Ill tell you what Ill hold his head down in the water and you go around to his butt hole and start a suction and hell have to drink then. The Captain scratches his head again and says alright. So the start and after about 10 minutes the Captain looks around at the sergeant and says hey, lift his head up a little I believe hes sucking mud.
- MSgt Karen
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?
Negative, maam. Just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action.
Yes, maam, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?
1955, maam.
Well, there you are. No wonder youre so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didnt forget much since 1955.
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; its only 2130 now.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?
Negative, maam. Just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action.
Yes, maam, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you dont take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?
1955, maam.
Well, there you are. No wonder youre so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didnt forget much since 1955.
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; its only 2130 now.
- Tommy Thomson
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A Marine instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: Anyone knows the formula for water?
Sure. Thats easy, said one recruit.
What is it?
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.
What, what? reasked the instructor.
H to O, explained the recruit.
You are officer material son ! Semper Fi !
- Russell Johns
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A private just out of training is assigned to guard the main gate, He is ordered to allow no one through unless they have the pass word. The other experienced soldier is using the latrine when a vehicle with a 3 star flag rolls up, the private stops the vehicle and asks the driver for the password the driver doesn't know the password, so the private after saluting the general ask him the for the password, the general doesn't know it either, the private says I cant let you through without the password to which the general replies son I'm the commander of this base and a 3 star general, the private says sir I still cant pass you. the general tells the driver to drive on through. the private then says to the general sir I'm real new to this so do I shoot you or the driver.
- kenneth rudisill
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an old veteran walked into a grocery store and the cashier said sir you barracks door is open. He paid no attention to her because he didnt know what she was talking about. He started shopping and in this one aisle he saw a man stocking the shelves. He told the man what the cashier said and asked the man what she meant. He told him that his fly was open. After shopping he went back to the same cashier and said mam you told me my barracks door was open. While you were looking did you see a marine standing at attention, saluting. No sir she said i saw an old retired veteran lying on two seabags.
- Tim K
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A Japanese patrol was out and when the two leads guys went over the hill they were cut in half by gun fire, The Japanese officer ordered five more to go over the hill and see what they were up against, all five were mowed down, the officer ordered 10 more guys to get over that hill and see what they were up against, they were all mowed down, the officer had had enough and ordered the entire company to get over that hill, they were all mowed down. Not know what else to do the officer called for more troops, 250 in all reported to him and once again he ordered them over the hill, they were all mowed down, The officer not know what to do next called his commander and ask what he should do, the commander told him not to spare any lives but to get over that Dam hill. The officer called in a battalion of troops and once again ordered them over that hill, this times they were all mowed down accept for for one who came crawling back shot to hell, the officer asked him if he saw what the Hell was on the other side of that hill, the soldier replied its the marines sir, the officer ask how many marine are there, in his last dying breath the soldier replied, 2 sir.
- John Hampton, USAF
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Its 1955 at a SAC B-36 base and an F-86 pilot is requesting landing instructions. He is low on fuel and asks for priority. The tower tells him he is second in line behind a B-36 with an engine out. The Jet pilots response, Ahh, the dreaded 9 engine landing.
- Herb Hickman
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Two soldiers were in the road in occupied Italy discussing whether the animal they were looking at was a dead donkey or a dead mule. They just couldnt come to an agreement. Along came the Sgt 1st class and they asked him what it was. He says in a stern manner, "that's an ass, bury it!". As they were digging the hole another soldier came along and asked if they were digging a fox hole? No they replied.. "an A**Hole!"
- Greg
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When I was a young boy, my family and I were having lunch in a restaurant. After a while I had to go to the washroom. To my surprise, there was a US Marine in there, and he noticed me watching him comb his hair. I then asked him if he was a real Marine? He said of course, would you like to try on my cover? Of course I accepted immediately. Then all of a sudden, a sailor comes strolling in, and of course was taking care of business at the urinal. I said, WOW, are you a real sailor, and he said yes, and asked if I wanted to put his business back in his fly. I immediately informed him that I wasn't a real Marine...I was just wearing his hat.
- Tinker Unique
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The Marines are the best to say they were the first into battle and the first to arrive anywhere. ONE EXCEPTION = when they get to the Pearly Gates of Heaven they will find out the gates were built by the SEABEES.
- Thomas
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The young Marine in a snide voice says to the old sailor, "I love you sailors. Whenever we go to fight, you give us a ride." Causing raucous laughter in the bar. The old Chief looks over and says, "We love you guys to, giving you Marines a ride let the NAVY Brass believe it was OK to assign women to ships."
- Walter Lydecker
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Theres an ARMY guy and a Marine in the bathroom taking a leak, The Army guy zips up and starts to leave, The marine runs to stop him and says..."You know, in the Marines they teach us to wash our hands AFTER WE PEE." Then the Army guy SAYS..." In the Army they teach not to pee on our hands!"
- Bob Pease PVT E-2
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Best branch of the US Armed Forces?
A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best.
The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.
Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty.
So, the four servicemen asked him, Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?
Saint Peter replied, I cant answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven.
Sometime later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven and asked Saint Peter if he was able to ask God for the answer to their answer.?
Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peters shoulder. In the doves beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen:
MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY TO: All Former Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines
SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best
1. All branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble.
2. Each serves America well and with distinction.
3. Serving in the United States military represents a great honor warranting special respect, tribute, and dedication from your fellow man.
4. Always be proud of that.
Warm Regards,
GOD, USAF, Ret.
- -1
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How did Hitler tie his shoes? With little Nazis
- Russ S.
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