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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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One summer afternoon a particularly pious Priest was taking a stroll. He came upon a young man about 12 years old. The boy was standing on the corner and he had a small bottle in his hand which he kept tossing up and catching it. The priest said hello and asked the boy: "What do you have there?" The boy responded: "Well Father, I got the most powerful stuff in the world" "How's that?" asked the priest. "Well Father this is Nitro Glycerin." The priest became alarmed and was trying to think of a way to retrieve this dangerous chemical. Finally, he says to the boy - "That's not the most powerful stuff in the world." He reached into his coat pocket and drew out a bottle of Holy Water. Then he said, "This is the most powerful stuff in the world. Why just yesterday, I rubbed some on a woman's tummy and she passed a baby." The boy looked at him and grinned, "Oh yeah? well this morning I rubbed a little bit of this on a cat's ass and he passed a motorcycle."
- Victor Ortiz
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There were these two Gays waiting for the boat to take them across the river to Staten Island from the lower Manhattan. As the boat was approching, one asked the other,say what the hell is that? The other answered, that`s a Ferry Boat. The one that asked the question reply, WAO, I knew we were liberated but I didn` know we had our own Navy
- fossillsd37
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two marines were walking down the street,when one of them spied a dog licking himself.one said to the other-i wish i could do that-no you dont,he might bite!
- Grunt
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Does any one know what ARMY stands for?Aren't Really MARINES Yet!!!!So SORRY Army.
- anonymous
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How do you spell out the word Marine?
Muscles are required intelligence not essential
- Al Boisselle
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A soldier is walking down the beach and soon came upon a bottle with a cap on it. The Soldier picks up the bottle, removes the cap, and a genie wafts out of the bottle. The genie tells the soldier, "you let me out of the bottle, so now I'll grant you 3 wishes..." The soldier can't believe what he's hearing, but tells the genie "I think I'd like a top notch Lager..." instantly another bottle appears on the beach, so the soldier picks it up and takes a sip, it's one of the best beers he's ever tasted. When he finishes it, the bottle instantly refills and the soldier drinks it again. Again the bottle fills up. The soldier asks, what is this? The Genie say's " It's a never ending bottle. You can drink from it all your life and it will never go empty." The Genie say's "What would you like next." The Soldier say's " Golly...I'll take two more of these!"
- john baker
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At MCAS El Toro, Ca. a Staff Sergeant of an avionics shop had to maintain a strict tool control. So one day a pair of diagonal cutter pliers were missing. Diagonal cutters are referred to as a pair dikes as a nick name. The Staff Sergeant said to his troops that no one is going home until the pair of dikes are found. After additional 8 hours of a massive search no one could find the dikes. As the third shift marines arrived for duty two of them were women marines and just as the women marines entered the shop a corporal after seeing the diagonal cutters setting in a trash can stood up and in a loud military manor voice said, "?All right Staff Sergeant I have found the pair of dikes, can we go home now??"
- Dave Reason US Army Ret.
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An ensign was standing in line behind a sailor at a vending machine. The ensign asked the sailor if he had change for a dollar. Reaching into his pocket, the sailor replied, "Sure." The ensign said, "Sailor, don't you mean yes, sir? Let's try this again. Do you have change for a dollar?" The sailor replied, "No, sir!"
- Retired Army
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A newly commissioned officer with a cigarette dangling from his lips asked aloud,"anybody got a light?:"
An NCO said "I got you covered buddy."
"Buddy?" said the officer. "Don't you see this bar on my uniform. Let's try this again. DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT?."
The NCO snapped to attention and replied.
"SIR, No Sir."
- Martin
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How many gears does a navy tank have? 5 - 4 reverse & 1 Forward. The forward is incase they get hit from the rear.
- morris rogers/Sgt. {retired}
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When the Sarge left the Doc's office and reentered the waiting room, he had a look of puzzlement and disbelief on his face.
His wife ran up to him and said;
"What;s wrong, honey? Honey, what's wrong?"
The sarge opened his hand and showed her a small, white pill, and said,
"The Doc said that I have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of my life".
"Well that's not so bad, honey'" his wife replied.
"Yes it is," replied the sarge, "he only gave me three pills".
- BRYAN WALLING
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A captain halted a corporal and asked why his stripes were not on his sleeves. He replied. It hurt my nose when i wiped it.
- Sgt. Brittain, US army, Ret.
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Little johnny had to write a story about morals and the time had come for him to read his aloud.This is his story.
I have an uncle,uncle tommy,who's a Army special forces soldier. One time after a night of drinking Jack Daniels,(snuck to him by way of a Scope bottle,)he went on an airborne mission.
Still being drunk from the night before, he got separated from his unit after the jump and landed in the midst of a 100 man enemy unit. Well, my uncle killed the first 50 with his rifle or until he ran out of ammo. He then killed the next 30 with his knife and then the blade broke. He finally killed the last 20 with his bare hands. The end.
The teacher with a look of horror and astonishment asked little johnny what in the world could the moral of that story be. Little johnny replied with a shit eating grin,"Don't Fizuck with uncle tommy when he's been drinking!!!!"
- Thomas Cox
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I went outside for a smoke struck the match lit my cigarette threw it down on the ground & smoked my cigarette threw it on the ground also My platoon Sgt was watching me from a distance & come to me & said is that your smoke & I said yes in my best sarcastic voice & he said come with me.So we went to the parade field & he gave me an intrenching tool & told me to dig a hole 4x4 go get my cigarette & bury it cause it must be dead cause I threw it away. I did as he said & when I got finished he said without missing a beat we forgot your match so dig up the dirt again go get the match & bury it I did so. He asked me which way the lighted end of the cigarette was pointed I didn't know so he said dig it up again & find that smoke & bury it with the lighted end to the east since it was dead & I did so. I quit going outside to smoke after all that.
- John R. Stevens
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Two Sailors were walking down the street in Olongapol P.I. They passed a working girl who said "Come in here boys,I'll give you something you've never had before".
One Sailor looked at the other and said "I don't think we want leprosy."
- karen lee
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