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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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(Im in the ARMY and this is a joke kind of against the Marine corps...SORRY...)
A company of Marines was marching through a jungle when they got to a hill. At the top of the hill stood a lone Army Ranger.
Upon seeing the marines the Ranger yelled down, 'HEY I bet i can take ALL OF YOU!!'
The Capt of the USMC CO laughed and sent 2 of his best corporals up the hill to bring the ranger down.
As they neared the top of the hill, the ranger disappeared down the other side of the hill, they followed.
3 minutes later, the 2 corporals returned exhausted, and collapsed.
The CAPT was then a little pissed so he sent 5 SGTs. They too went up the hill, down the other side and disappeared. They returned 20 mins later, also exhausted, one SGT DID have enough energy to say 'Sir, he tricked us there's -" and then he collapsed.
The CAPT was then FURIOUS, so he sent the rest of his company over the hill.
After an Hour all of his Marines returned exhausted. The last one to return, before he collapsed said, " Sir, he tricked us...there's 2 of them."
- Smitty
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Three ladies were talking. One says she got stung by a honey bee and her whole hand swelled up. 2nd lady says she got stung by a bumble bee and her whole arm swole up. 3rd says thats nothing, I once got stung by a Seabee and my whole belly swole up.
- teggy55
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A newly appointed 2LT and a senior NCO are in the restroom taking a pee. Both get done at the same time.
The 2nd LT stops at the sink to wash his hands while the Senior NCO heads to the door.
The 2nd LT is quite upset and says, "Excuse me Sergeant, but in ROTC they taught me to wash your hands after using the bathroom."
The Senior NCO replies, "You are correct sir but at the NCO Academy we were taught how to not pee on our hands."
- Bob
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A private walks outside to take a smoke and sees a young boy playing on the sidewalk with a pile of dog crap. Politely, he asked the boy "son, what are you doing playing with that dog crap?"
The boy responded: "I'm building and NCO, private!"
The private chuckled to himself and then went and got the SGM. "SGM you've got to see this. Ask the boy what he's doing." SGM went to the boy and asked "young man, what are you doing?"
The boy said: "I'm building an NCO SGM!"
SGM laughed and said "the chief's gotta see this." Then went and got the CW4. "Ask that boy what he's doing, chief."
The chief walked out and asked the little boy "hey there young man, what are you doing playing with that dog crap?" To which the young man replied: "I'm building and NCO, sir!"
Chief then asked "why aren't you building a warrant officer?" The boy quickly replied "Not enough shit!"
- Arizmendi,S Sgt/usmc 1/5
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Some college graduates were extolling the virtues of their respective schools. The West Point grad said simply,"MY school hires ALL its graduates. Would yours?"
- E. David Sierra
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A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,
took it upon himself to explain to an old veteran sitting next to him why
it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have
nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS,
light-speed processing .... and," pausing to take another drink of beer....
The old vet took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, .. so we
invented them. Now, you arrogant little twit, what are you doing for the
next generation?"
The applause was deafening.
Don't you just love old vets...?
- Stan Hadden
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A long time ago, I knew an old time Navy Chief who had, tatooed across his butt, 'stand clear, twin screws', this is true, and I've always thought pretty funny.
- phil roddy usnavyretired
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I host exchange students from all over the world.Our student from Denmark was studying American History.One day she came home and ask me,Dad were you in the civil war?
I said no,not that one.
We all still laugh about that
- Jack Brady
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The absent minded professor walked into the men's romm, unbuttoned his vest, pulled out his tie and pissed his pants
- Jack Brady
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A sailor went into a restaurant and ordered a pizza. The waiter asked if he wanted it sliced into 4 peices or 6. After thinking it 0ver for a while, the sailor replied,"Better make it 4. I'm not hungry enough for 6"
- Cpl Vigil, W D USMC
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Where I work there's a retired sailor who, for the last several years, always tries to get one up on me. Everytime he sees me he tries to say something derrogatory about the Marine Corps. I keep my bearing and come back with a series of Navy joke that get him riled. He always responds with "Just remember, the Marine Corps is a department of the Navy." My response is always "Yeah, the Men's department." He always walks away in a huff. you think he'd learn.
- Dennis Hoogerwerf
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Stories I told at my CPO initiation. "Why did the Indians lose their wars? Because they had a Chief in charge!" Also the definition of gross ignorance - 144 Chiefs.
- Myrna F. Arnold
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When he found out I was a veteran, one of my English 101 students thought he would score more points on his narrative paper by relating a military story. He wrote:
"I was in a bar, and after a few beers, I went to the head. A sailor was already there. When we finished, I started out, and he said 'In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands after urinating.' I told him, 'In the Marines, they teach us not to piss in our hands."
At the bottom of his paper, I wrote, "In the Army, we expect you to know that much before you get to basic."
- Larry Donaldson
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Upon my retirement I went to the Social Security Office to apply. When the girl asked for my social security number I fumbled through my wallet looking for it. Unable to find it I said I would go home to get it. She said that if I did that I would have to reschedule. She then said , "Open your shirt". I said what and she repeated her order. So, I started unbuttoning my shirt, was told to stop, and she then said that she knew I was of age for social security. I asked how she knew that and she said, "Your chest hair is white, not dark or gray, so that's how I know." I thought that her test was pretty neat and when I arrived back home I had to tell my wife about my experiance. Not impressed one bit with my story she replied, " She should have also told you to drop your pants. ( I don't usually wear underwear ) You would have probably received total disabilty."
- Larry Donaldson
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Before my retirement my wife and I were discussing our ages, etc.etc. Later that night as I was in bed deeply engrossed in a book she was in the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror. She said to me, " Hon, I'm old, getting fat, starting to have wrinkles, and my hair is turning gray. I really need a compliment right about now". I always tell my wife how beautiful she is to me but tonight I switched tactics. I rolled over and looked in the bathroom door at her and said, "But hon,think of the women your age whose eyesight isn't as good as yours". Needless to say I didn't need the air-conditioner on for about a week.
- Larry Donaldson
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