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MILITARY JOKES
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While stationed at Fort Benning I was in downtown Columbus traffic. The car in front of me quickly came to a stop as I was staring at a large breasted brunette in shorts that were very, very, short. Yep! I bumped into his car. Now accidents are a serious thing no matter how minor but this soon became humorous. The driver whose car I bumped slowly opened his door, at this point I figured there was going to be a quarrel, and jumped out. To my amazement he was a dwarf. He walks back to my car and as I roll down thw window and look at him he says, "I am not happy"! I couldn't let that one slip by so I replied, "What's your name then? Sleepy, Doc, Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy or.....
- Larry Donaldson


My wife is most definitely of the jealous sort. At a unit reunion near my home town a bunch of us slipped away and captured the hotel's bar and lounge. We were sitting at a table when I noticed an old girlfriend at the bar really pounding down her drinks. I kept watching her and my wife turned around to see who I was staring at. She turned back towards me and with fire in her eyes and a booby-trap in her mouth she inquired why I was so interested in the woman at the bar. Caution, on my part, was most needed at this point so I replied, " I used to know her before you and I got married. She was my girlfriend and had plans of marriage and I broke her heart when I left for the Army and broke up with her. I was told that after that she took to the bottle and became a drunk. Pity". With that said, my wife took one last look at her tipping down another glass and slowly turned back towards me and went, "Hurmmph". With cold ice in her eyes now she said," I didn't know that anyone could celebrate that long". Guys, you will never win.
- LT NESTOR PEREZ


CAPTAIN SMITH FORGOT HIS ANNIVERSARY AND HIS WIFE WAS ON HIM LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT. SHE TELLS HIM IN THE MORNING SHE WANTS SOMETHING THAT WILL GO FROM 0 TO 150 OR MORE IN 0 TO 6 SECONDS....... SITTING IN THE DRIVEWAY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING..... SO HE GOES TO BED.... CAN'T SLEEP.... SO IN THE MORNING HE LEAVES FOR BASE TO WORK... SHE GETS UP AND LOOKS OUT SIDE... SURE INOFF THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DRIVE WAY .... GETS ON HE ROBE AND GOES DOWN THERE BRINGS BACK THIS COVERED PACKAGE OPENS IT UP ..... INSIDE IS A BATHROOM SCALE............................... NOTE..... FUNERAL FOR THE CAPTAIN THIS FRIDAY............ CLOSED COFFIN....
- Rodney


Basic training, Drill Sgt up on hill tells Pvt to go down the hill and tell the Major to come up to see him. Trainee goes down and tells Major. Major says you tell the Sgt if he wants to see him to come down here. Pvt runs back up the hill and tells Sgt what Major says. The Sgt says tell the Major to get his but up there now, or else. Pvt runs back down the hill and tells the Major that the Sgt says to get his but up there now. The Major is foaming at the mouth, and tells the Pvt to go back up there and tell the Sgt to come down here. The Pvt starts back up the hill and turns around to the Major,he says, Major if you know the Sgt like I do, you'll get your but up there now.
- Eli


Admiral:Soldier, do you have any change for a dollar?
Soldier:Sure buddy.
Admiral:That's no way to talk to a admiral now do you have any change for a dollar?
Soldier:NO SIR!
- PHILLIP [SKIP] RIDER


While standing in a very long checkout line at the USAF commissary, I started up a conversation with the older gentleman in line ahead of me. Based on his drawl, I could tell he was obviously a Southerner and I really enjoyed listening to stories of things he had done while in the service. He in turn asked me about what I did in the USCG, making the time pass more pleasantly. Before I knew it, we were at the head of the line. Just as he started to push his cart to the next open register, a middle-aged woman cut in front of him and began putting her groceries on the belt. Before he could say a word, she looked him square in the eye and in a very rude tone declared ?I am the Colonel?s wife!? Without missing a beat the retiree put forth his best smile and replied ?Well Ma?am, you tell him we all just love his chicken!?
- jj


TOLD TO TREAT HIS MILITARY HOUSING AS HE WOULD IF HE OWNED IT, THE CHIEF QUICKLY MOUNTED A SIGN IN THE FRONT YARD. "FOR SALE"
- E.L.MORELL


HOW COME PEOPLE DON'T TELL THE TRUTH IS BEYOND ME.THERE WAS THIS LADY WHO ALWAY SHOPS AT THIS CLOTHING STORE AND EVERYTIME WHEN SHE PAIDS HER BILL THIS TALKING BIRD SAYS TO HER , YOU ARE ONE WOMAN UGLY WOMAN&&*( SO AFTER A YEAR OF THIS THE WOMAN CONFRONTED THE OWNER. I SPEND A LOTS OF MONEY HERE AND EVERTYIME I COME IN HERE THAT BIRD ALWAY DISS ME, THE OWNER SAID MA I AM SORRY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN I PROMISE YOU! SO A FEW WEEKS LATER THE WOMAN CAME BACK AS SHE WAS SHOPPING SHE WAS TAKING A PEEK AT THE BIRD TO SEE WHAT HE WAS DOING THE BIRD WAS NOT MAKING A SOUND SHE PAID HER BILL AND SHE WAS LEAVING THE STORE SHE LOOKED BACK AT THE BIRD AND THE BIRD SAID """OH YOU KNOW""
- Rufus John Wilson


A Grneral driving by a retired DAV home standing in his yard and ask the Soldier where the road went in front of him, Soldier said he didn't know!, seeing the crossroad ahead, ask where it went to the right, Soldier replied I don't Know! General said you don't anything, do you, yard bird? the soldier told the GENERal! I am not lost's SIR!
- Dan Holdredge


An ensign and sergeant first-class are in a public restroom. The SFC finishes his business and walks out. A few minutes later the ensign catches up with him and says, "Sergeant, in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we use the head", to which the SFC replies, "Sir, in the Army they teach us not to piss in our hands."
- elisebette gersch


Two hard corp soldiers are standing in their living room. The visiting one stares at an artillery round sitting mid-center of the living room.He finally can't stand it anymore and asks why there's an artillery round in his living room. The first soldier says "hell man I've got a 14 year old daughter! what would you do?"
- David


Introductions Three 'gentlemen' are seated together on a cross-country plane trip. After about an hour the first gentleman, by way of breaking the ice, puts down his New York Times and announces - "My name is Jonathon Smith." "Lt. General." "U.S. Army." "Retired." "Served in Korea and Vietnam." "Married." "Two sons." "Both Doctors." He picks up his paper and continues to read. About half an hour later, the second gentleman puts down his Washington Post and says, "Dillard Jones. "Major General." "U.S. Air Force." "Retired." "Served in Vietnam and Gulf War I." "Married." "Two sons." "Both Lawyers." He then picks up his paper and continues to read. Later on, the third man puts down his Dailey Racing Form and grunts, "Gus Miller." "Gunnery Sergeant." "U.S. Marines Corps" "Discharged" "Served in Korea and Vietnam and Gulf War I and Gulf War II." "NEVER married." "Two sons, -------- Both Generals!"
- James Trumps


There's Something about a Gunny . . . . One day, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was invited to dine with his Commander in the field mess. When they entered the mess area they found the place quite crowded. They finally noticed a table with two empty chairs. There were three lieutenants seated there, so the Colonel asked if they might join them. The lieutenants, of course, promptly invited them to join the table. The Colonel and the Gunny ordered lunch and engaged in light conversation as they ate. At one point the Gunny mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could normally determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned. The Gunny turned to the lieutenant on his left and said that the he had received his commission through attendance at ROTC. The young officer confirmed that this was indeed correct and asked how the Gunny had figured determined this. The Gunny replied that by his conversation the lieutenant seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience. The Gunny then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS after previously serving as an enlisted man. The lieutenant confirmed that was indeed the case, and asked how the Gunny had figured it out. The Gunny replied that the lieutenant?s conversation indicated that he had a firm military background and a lot of common sense, but not much book learning. At this, the third lieutenant asked the Gunny if he had determined how he had received his commission. The Gunny promptly replied that the lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The young officer stated that this was correct and asked if the Gunny had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other superior qualities acquired at the Naval Academy. The Gunny replied that it was none of these that had tipped him off, he merely observed the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.
- CPO LV Milito


The Chief and The Devil The Chief finally dies and the Devil tells the head demon that he personally is going up to Earth to bring The Chief's soul to hell. The Devil has been waiting for this day for many years as the Chief is the meanest, nastiest and most sinful person he has ever seen. A short time later The Devil returns without The Chief and he looks like he?s been in a terrible fight! His horns are bent, one eye is bloody, his face is bruised, he has teeth missing, his tail has a square knot tied in it. The Devil's pitchfork is bent and all of the points are broken and he?s using it as a crutch. "What in the world happened to you and where is The Chief? Asked the head demon. The Devil answered, "The Chief will be here in 30 minutes and we have to get this place cleaned up for his inspection". The head demon says, "His inspection? Why are we being inspected by the Chief boss?" The Devil turns slowly with tears in his one good eye and says, "DON'T CALL ME BOSS!"
- Darrin


OREO'S CAN BE DANGEROUS.. The first time the USAF sent me on temp duty by myself, I experienced probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, which I tell here in hopes that other butter bars out there won't make the same mistake. I was traveling from Wright-Patterson AFB OH to Vandenberg AFB CA one spring, and the flight scheduled me for a 2-hour lay-over in the St. Louis MO airport. I decided to hit the snack bar and bought a cup of coffee, a package of Oreos and a newspaper. After giving the cashier the nine bucks or so that these items cost, I scanned the crowded sitting areaa for a place to relax. The lounge was crowded, but there appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military uniform of some sort. "Great!" I thought, another solider. Maybe he can tell me about life in the forces... With my coffee on the right side of the table, my newspaper on the left and my oreos in the center, I sat down before I took my first close look at the man oppsite me. He was a Marine Corps Brigadier General-a mean looking man with no hair, an honest-to-God scar on his foreheadand about 6 rows of ribbons, including the Silver Star with a cluster. To me, the General had horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long pointed tail as well. I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting to bother the general. I meekly squeaked out, "Good morning, sir" before sitting down. I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and was making good progress when I heard a peculiar sound, much like the crinkling of cellophane. I looked up out of the corner of my eye to discover that the general had reached across the center of the table, opened the package of Oreos, taken one out and was eating it. Now, not having attended the Air Force Academy, I was not familiar with how to deal with the finer points of military etiquette, such as what to do when a senior member of another service calmly rips off one of your cookies. Several responses came to mind, but none of these seemed entirely appropriated. I relized that the honor of the Air Force was, in a small way, at stake here. I certainly couldn't let the general think I was a complete weenie. Besides, at the airport prices, one oreo is a significant fraction of take home pay for a 2nd LT. The only response I could make was to reach across the center of the table, open the opposite end of the package (trying not to notice that the other end had mysteriously come open somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it very, very throughly. "There", I thought, "I've subtly shown the general that these are my Oreos, and he should go buy his own." Marines are known for many qualilies, but subtlety is not among them. The general calmly reached out for another Oreo and ate it. (By the way, the general was licking the middles out of the 1st before eating the cookies.) Not having said anything the 1st time, of course, I couldn't bring up now. The only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself. We wound up alternating through the entire package. For an istant our eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the air, but neither of us said a word. After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced something over the public address system. The general got up, put his papers back into his briefcase, picked up the now empty wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs neatly off the table and left. I sat there marveling at his gall and feeling very foolish. A fw minutes later, they announced my flight. I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, threw the cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal... my Oreos! Today, 2 of us are running around the Armed Forces telling the same story, but only 1 of us has the punch line. And General, if you are reading this, get in touch with me and I will be glad to send you a case of Oreos. Even though I was in the army I still think this was pretty good.
- Tom Porter


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