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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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True story, I was standing in formation once and enjoyed observing a LT Col dressing down a butter bar. It seems that there was an issue between the young officer and a E deuce. Turns out the E deuce had made the right decession in a matter that the butter bar had derided him for. It came to the Btn Commanders attention who reminded the 2nd Lt that the E duece had been promoted once already!
- Orville
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Just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but youre being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, "Good morning, General"
- Ron
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Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor." The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain and no one noticed anything - Then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"
- Dave Vaught
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A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea
duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
*T*he ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message,
and he was even more surprised when he read, "/My personal
congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise
according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way./"
- Dave Vaught
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A Navy officer and a Marine gunny were in the head taking a leak. After they finished, the gunny walked out and down the hall. The Navy officer caught up with him and said in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The marine said in the Marines they teach us not to piss in our hands.
- Phil Futral
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A moment of silent prayer, please, for the submarine sailor who insisted on sleeping with the windows open.
- Argent
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A Marine was attending night classes at a local college. The professor, an avowed and very vocal atheist entered and looking to the ceiling, in a loud voice that stunned the students, said, "God, I'll give you 15 minutes to knock me off this dias." After 10 minutes he said, "God, I'm still waiting!" With only a minute to go, the Marine stepped up and with a punch to the jaw, knocked the professor to the floor and off the dias. "What the heck did you do that for?", he asked. "Well", said the Marine, "God was busy protecting the men and women who are defending your right to say crap and act like an idiot, so he sent me!"
- Dan Seabolt
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A retired military couple, one an air force lt. colonel and his ever-nagging wife, a navy capitan, were vacationing in the holy land. While there, the wife died. The undertaker told the colonel, you can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here in the holy land for just $150. The colonel thought about it and decided to just have her shipped home. Astonished, the undertaker asked why he would pay $5,000 to ship her home when most would jump at the chance to be buried in the holy land and it would only be $150.
The colonel replied, True, but long ago you buried a man here and three days later he rose from the dead. I'm afraid I just can't take that chance...
- Rick Backstrom
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One day 3 (2nd Class, 1st Class & CPO) sailors were walking to the EM club for noon chow. The 2nd class saw something nice and shinny floating in the water next to a pier. He reaches down to retrieve it and it was an Aladdins Lamp. When the lamp finally dried out a Genie popped and says I grant each one of you 1 wish. The 2nd class went first and wished for "to have no need for money for the rest of my life" Poof the Genie sent him to a deserted island. The 1st class went next. I wish for "To live in Hawaii & be rich for the rest of my life". Poof he sent him to Hawaii with a never ending bank account. Now it was the chiefs turn and I wish for "what ever the first 2 wished for, I want them back on the ship by 1300 hours.
- Joe Dutton
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One day, years ago, my mother and I were walking together toward the library at Fort Lee, Virginia. We were about to cross an alleyway, when we were surprised by an Army truck coming toward us at a fast clip. Mother and I jumped back out of the way. The driver, an Army Sgt., slowed the truck down, leaned out the window, and said to my mother, "Don't worry, I wouldn't hit you -- there's too much paperwork in it.
- Skipper Joy Wolters
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A SFC PURCHESED A NEW SPORTS CAR AND HAD TO TRY IT OUT.AT 140 MPH HE SPOTED A RED LIGHT BEHIND HIM. WHAT THE HECK HE CAN CATCH ME SO HE SPEEDED UP TO 160 MPH. THE POLICE OFFICER WAS RIGHT ON HIS BUMPER. MY WHAT AM I DOING? SO HE PULLED OVER. THE OFFICER CAN TO THE CAR AND SAID "WHAT A DAY, IF YOU CAN GIVE ME AN EXCUSE I HAVE NOT HEARD I'LL LET YOU GO WITH A TICKET. THE SFC THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT THEN SAID" A COP RAN OFF WITH MY WIFE 2 DAYS AGO AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO RETURN HER.
- bill wesley
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How did they come up with that "Marine Green" color you see on all the marine uniforms?
Answer Navy Blue with a little "yellow"
- Jim Bigley
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