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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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SGC Mc Carty was our Motor Pool Honcho. Mac always had a cigar in his mouth but, after serving for a year I never saw him light it. We received a new shave tail and they made him the OIC of the Motor Pool.
He had been on the job for just one day when he walked into the motor pool area and saw Mac with the cigar in his mouth. The Lt went up to Mac and said, "Sgt Mc Carty, you can not smoke in the motor pool area." Mac says, "Sir, I am not smoking."
Lt says, "Sgt Mc Carty, you have your cigar in your mouth, so you are smoking!" Calmly Mac says, "LT, I have my ass in my pants, but I am mot pooping in them."
He had been on the job for just one day when he walked into the motor pool area and saw Mac with the cigar in his mouth. The Lt went up to Mac and said, "Sgt Mc Carty, you can not smoke in the motor pool area." Mac says, "Sir, I am not smoking."
Lt says, "Sgt Mc Carty, you have your cigar in your mouth, so you are smoking!" Calmly Mac says, "LT, I have my ass in my pants, but I am mot pooping in them."
- Lester St. Andrie
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We had a sign on the wall over the urinals in the latrine. It read:
"We aim to please... so please aim!"
- Wallace B Christina
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The new recruit was nervous as he prepared to fire the Grenade Launcher at the target jeep.
His Drill Instructor tried to calm him down and walk him through firing it. The recruit started ok, but panic set in at the last moment. He closed his eyes and flinched while he fired.
The Drill Sgt, seeing this ducked to avoid be hit.
After hearing the explosion of the grenade the recruit opened his eyes and asked the Drill Sgt if he had hit the jeep.
The Drill Sgt said, "Well, you hit A JEEP, but I don't think the Major is very happy that he will have to walk back to base."
- Guy Salsburg
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[1954 Ft. Lee, VA.] Sunday, a group of us are smoking cigars. I and another GI were standing on a little porch on the second floor. My friend flipped his cigar out onto the ground, just as the Sgt was passing, and it nearly landed on him. He looked up at us, and saw me, and he said, "Mlinar is that your cigar?" And before I could answer, my friend says, "No. Go ahead and take it Sarge, you saw it first!"
- Tom Mlinar
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"Knock... knock"
"Who is there?"
"Lisa."
"Lisa who?"
"Betta Lis-A car before you take that trip!"
"Who is there?"
"Lisa."
"Lisa who?"
"Betta Lis-A car before you take that trip!"
- debra
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"Knock....Knock"
"Who is there?"
"Farm."
"Farm Who?" "For me to know and you to find out!!"
"Who is there?"
"Farm."
"Farm Who?" "For me to know and you to find out!!"
- debra
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A FARMER LOADED HIS WIFE ONTO THE WAGON AND HOOKED UP THE MULE TO HAUL THE WAGON.
AS THEY RODE DOWN THE COUNTRY ROAD A RATTLESNAKE CROSSED IN FRONT OF THE MULE AND KNOCKED THE FARMER OFF THE WAGON. THE FARMER LOOKED AT THE MULE AND SAID
"ALL RIGHT MULE THAT'S ONE". A LITTLE FURTHER THE MULE FROOZE AT CROSSING A BRIDGE.
THE FARMER SAID "MULE THAT'S TWO". A MILE DOWN THE ROAD THE MULE JUMPED BECAUSE A RABBIT RAN IN FRONT OF HIM.
THE FARMER GOT OFF THE WAGON AND SAID "MULE I'VE HAD ENOUGH AND SHOT THE MULE.
HIS WIFE JUMPED UP AND SHOUTED "YOU STUPID IDIOT WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR"?
THE FARMER TURNED TO HIS WIFE AND SAID "WIFE THAT'S ONE!"
"ALL RIGHT MULE THAT'S ONE". A LITTLE FURTHER THE MULE FROOZE AT CROSSING A BRIDGE.
THE FARMER SAID "MULE THAT'S TWO". A MILE DOWN THE ROAD THE MULE JUMPED BECAUSE A RABBIT RAN IN FRONT OF HIM.
THE FARMER GOT OFF THE WAGON AND SAID "MULE I'VE HAD ENOUGH AND SHOT THE MULE.
HIS WIFE JUMPED UP AND SHOUTED "YOU STUPID IDIOT WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR"?
THE FARMER TURNED TO HIS WIFE AND SAID "WIFE THAT'S ONE!"
- STEVE STEMMER
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First night in a wooded area of Germany during WWII, everyone was scared.
About dusk someone yelled "GAS!"
Everybody started looking for his gas mask.
One truck driver was running towards his truck through the woods, to get his gas mask, with a sheet wrapped around him.
Another GI raised up from his foxhole and started shooting at the guy, yelling, "Ghost...Ghost."
The guy that started all this yelled," I only wanted you all to know that I farted!"
About dusk someone yelled "GAS!"
Everybody started looking for his gas mask.
One truck driver was running towards his truck through the woods, to get his gas mask, with a sheet wrapped around him.
Another GI raised up from his foxhole and started shooting at the guy, yelling, "Ghost...Ghost."
The guy that started all this yelled," I only wanted you all to know that I farted!"
- Calvin Langford
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During WWII General Patton was inspecting a Spear Head 155 Howitzer Co. that had been in battle for months. He walked up to the first soldier. The soldier came to salute arms with his M1 Rifle. As he threw the bolt back, a round flew out of the rifle.
The General asked,"Soldier don't you know that rifle is supposed to be empty for inspection?"
The soldier replied,"Sir, as long as I'm over here it ain't never gonna be empty." The next soldier had a German gas mask on his side. Are the American gas masks not good enough for you, soldier?"
He replied," I know our masks are good enough for our gas, but I'm not so sure about the German's." After the inspection Gen. Patton told the Battery Commander that he had good men, that weren't scared of the devil himself and that's me.
The soldier replied,"Sir, as long as I'm over here it ain't never gonna be empty." The next soldier had a German gas mask on his side. Are the American gas masks not good enough for you, soldier?"
He replied," I know our masks are good enough for our gas, but I'm not so sure about the German's." After the inspection Gen. Patton told the Battery Commander that he had good men, that weren't scared of the devil himself and that's me.
- Calvin Langford
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At the Ft Jackson receiving and processing station we fell out for police call,
we were separated by educational level for police call.
The College men were to pick up paper,
the high school graduates were to pick up matches and cigarette buts,
those who only went to the 8th grade or less were to watch and see if they could learn anything.
- C.L. Mike O'Neill
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Two Generals and an Admiral were seating around arguing about who had the bravest men.
The Navy admiral attested that he had the bravest men by far, to be able to sit out at sea, vulnerable to attack from sub, sea, and air.
The Army general said that his men were the bravest, that they went into battle the enemy.
The Marine general stated that he clearly had the bravest men, since they were the first ones into to battle and the last ones out.
The Navy admiral brought them to a shipyard, and called out to a seaman atop a tall tower. He then ordered the seaman to jump, and the seaman jumped to his certain death. "See that's brave! He knew he'd surely die, but he did as ordered." The Army general then stated that his men were braver still. The Marine general just stated, "That's not brave, that's just stupid."
The Army general then took them to an Army range, and ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant did as ordered, and was blown up within seconds. "See that's brave! He knew the risk and did as ordered." "No, mine was braver," stated the Navy admiral.
"No, that was just stupid," the Marine general butted in. "Let me show you true bravery," he said, and brought them to a Marine range. Once there, he ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant came to the position of attention, saluted, and said, "F**K You, Sir!" The Marine general looked to the others and said, "Now that's brave!"
The Navy admiral brought them to a shipyard, and called out to a seaman atop a tall tower. He then ordered the seaman to jump, and the seaman jumped to his certain death. "See that's brave! He knew he'd surely die, but he did as ordered." The Army general then stated that his men were braver still. The Marine general just stated, "That's not brave, that's just stupid."
The Army general then took them to an Army range, and ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant did as ordered, and was blown up within seconds. "See that's brave! He knew the risk and did as ordered." "No, mine was braver," stated the Navy admiral.
"No, that was just stupid," the Marine general butted in. "Let me show you true bravery," he said, and brought them to a Marine range. Once there, he ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant came to the position of attention, saluted, and said, "F**K You, Sir!" The Marine general looked to the others and said, "Now that's brave!"
- robert black
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One night two stationed men were sleeping in the field, and the one man woke up and said to the other Seargent, "Look up and tell me what you see?"
So the man woke up, still groggy, looked up and said, "stars." So the other man said, "what does that mean to you?"
The seargent replied, "Its going to be nice out tommorow???"
Then in return he asked, "What does it mean to you." The man replied with "It means that somebody stole our tent!"
So the man woke up, still groggy, looked up and said, "stars." So the other man said, "what does that mean to you?"
The seargent replied, "Its going to be nice out tommorow???"
Then in return he asked, "What does it mean to you." The man replied with "It means that somebody stole our tent!"
- Michelle
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Do you know the fastest way to get out of a game of bingo in Iraq?
Shout out B52!
- Chris L
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While on active duty in the late 60's serving in Germany, I had occasion to sit on a promotion board interviewing candidates for promotion to E6.
One candidate was of European origin, German I think.
At one point during the interview, an interviewer asked: "Sgt. what is a LEADER?
The candidate pondered the question for a few moments and replied, "Vell sir, it's a little more than a quart."
One candidate was of European origin, German I think.
At one point during the interview, an interviewer asked: "Sgt. what is a LEADER?
The candidate pondered the question for a few moments and replied, "Vell sir, it's a little more than a quart."
- George Mundis
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Way, way back in the 1950's while stationed at NAS Quonset Point, Rhode Island, I along with others had the duty of running up all the aircraft on the flight line on a daily basis.
The day most vivid in my memory occurred during one of these flight line days. The first airplane I turned up was an F4U Corsair, a World War II vintage fighter. After performing the run-up procedures, I shut down the engine, rolled the canopy back and stood by pushing myself up with some force on the arm rests.
The next was an AD, Skyraider, a very large singe engine dive bomber. Following the same procedures, I slid the canopy back and stood as I did with the Corsair.
Next on the list a TBM Avenger another World War II veteran this one a torpedo bomber. Same thing all over again with one difference. When I pushed on the arm rests to stand, I had forgotten the cockpit was an enclosure supported by a heavy aluminum overhead support beam.
The only thing between that beam and my head was my white hat!
It wasn't enough...It still hurts.
The day most vivid in my memory occurred during one of these flight line days. The first airplane I turned up was an F4U Corsair, a World War II vintage fighter. After performing the run-up procedures, I shut down the engine, rolled the canopy back and stood by pushing myself up with some force on the arm rests.
The next was an AD, Skyraider, a very large singe engine dive bomber. Following the same procedures, I slid the canopy back and stood as I did with the Corsair.
Next on the list a TBM Avenger another World War II veteran this one a torpedo bomber. Same thing all over again with one difference. When I pushed on the arm rests to stand, I had forgotten the cockpit was an enclosure supported by a heavy aluminum overhead support beam.
The only thing between that beam and my head was my white hat!
It wasn't enough...It still hurts.
- Lee Jordan
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