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MILITARY JOKES
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I'm an AF Brat. My father loved to tell the one about the Chaplain at Edwards AFB in 66' wanting to fly on every airplane the AF had.
Well, Dad was a tail Gunner on B-52's, and the Pilot told him the Chaplain was on his way back to visit, so they told the Chaplain to enter the plane head first, so he could see what the Tail Gunner's seat and everything looked like.
When he got there, Dad introduced himself and the Chaplain asked how the guns worked? Dad having shot down the drone already, saw some geese on radar.
He said, "Sir, if you'll push this the guns will lock onto the target."
The Chaplain did, and the guns swung to port, and up a little, and he explained they would track the target as the guns moved a small bit every couple of seconds. He then told the Chaplain to push the green button to fire and he would tell him when to push the red to stop.
He said, "Go ahead and push the green button!", and the 50's opened up! After 3 seconds Dad said OK! Stop! and pulled the chaplain up and over his shoulder and pointed at a cloud of feathers with 3 out of about 6 or 7 geese falling.
My Dad was ORDERED to church the next 4 weeks!
Well, Dad was a tail Gunner on B-52's, and the Pilot told him the Chaplain was on his way back to visit, so they told the Chaplain to enter the plane head first, so he could see what the Tail Gunner's seat and everything looked like.
When he got there, Dad introduced himself and the Chaplain asked how the guns worked? Dad having shot down the drone already, saw some geese on radar.
He said, "Sir, if you'll push this the guns will lock onto the target."
The Chaplain did, and the guns swung to port, and up a little, and he explained they would track the target as the guns moved a small bit every couple of seconds. He then told the Chaplain to push the green button to fire and he would tell him when to push the red to stop.
He said, "Go ahead and push the green button!", and the 50's opened up! After 3 seconds Dad said OK! Stop! and pulled the chaplain up and over his shoulder and pointed at a cloud of feathers with 3 out of about 6 or 7 geese falling.
My Dad was ORDERED to church the next 4 weeks!
- Robert Singer
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While serving aboard the USS Franklin D. Roosevelt, we received a directive/memo from the Assistant Secretary of the Navy. The gist of it was that the fleet was wasting too much money and man-hours painting out a ship from stem to stern whenever dignitaries showed up to tour the said vessel.
He directed more elbow-grease cleaning and less painting to brighten the hull and superstructure. Disregarding this, while anchored in Barcelona we got the word to paint out the ship, a dignitary was coming to tour.
For about three days, there was a grey cloud around the carrier from spray guns, and a stream of overspray drifting along the harbor. The dignitary and his entourage arrived shortly after we finished.
Lo and behold, it was the Assistant Secretary of the Navy.
He directed more elbow-grease cleaning and less painting to brighten the hull and superstructure. Disregarding this, while anchored in Barcelona we got the word to paint out the ship, a dignitary was coming to tour.
For about three days, there was a grey cloud around the carrier from spray guns, and a stream of overspray drifting along the harbor. The dignitary and his entourage arrived shortly after we finished.
Lo and behold, it was the Assistant Secretary of the Navy.
- Mike Howe
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After my Dad graduated from Basic at Lackland AFB in San Antonio, the tradition was to be the first graduate to salute an officer and receive the officer's silver dollar.
Well, as soon as Dad saw an officer, he sharply saluted...with his left hand.
The officer snapped, "Did you just salute me with your left hand?"
To which Dad smartly replied, "Yes, Sir! Of Course, Sir!"...
He got the silver dollar.
Well, as soon as Dad saw an officer, he sharply saluted...with his left hand.
The officer snapped, "Did you just salute me with your left hand?"
To which Dad smartly replied, "Yes, Sir! Of Course, Sir!"...
He got the silver dollar.
- LeeLee
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I completed ROTC at Colorado State University in 1967 and was commissioned a second lieutenant in the Army. The tradition in the Army is that when you receive your gold bars, you pay the first EM who salutes you a silver dollar.
Our NCOIC had set up a routine in which he stood at the far side of the stage during the ceremony and saluted each new "butter bar" as they walked off the stage, expecting to receive numerous silver dollars. The Colonel had gotten fed up with this and the day of the ceremony, he put the NCOIC and all other EMs on leave or special duty elsewhere on the campus.
Just before commissioning, my branch had been changed from armor to infantry - not my choice - and it caused some confusion as to when I would report for OIC. I had a summer job in North Carolina. I tried to get the dates changed but ended up having to go to Ft. McNair to do that.
After I got the orders straightened out for my reporting date, I walked out on the sidewalk, in full uniform, and walked past a post bus stop. A Sp4 saw me and I could tell by the expression on his face that he really didn't want to salute me. Finally, he raised his hand and offered me a less-than-sharp salute. I returned his salute, walked over to him, reached into my pocket, and pulled out the silver dollar, handing it to him. He looked at me in shock and tried to ask why. I simply told him that he was the first EM to salute me, and I was following Army tradition.
I smiled and walked away from him, glancing back to see that he was still standing there with the coin in his hand and a look of complete disbelief...You can never tell if something you do will result in the unexpected.
Our NCOIC had set up a routine in which he stood at the far side of the stage during the ceremony and saluted each new "butter bar" as they walked off the stage, expecting to receive numerous silver dollars. The Colonel had gotten fed up with this and the day of the ceremony, he put the NCOIC and all other EMs on leave or special duty elsewhere on the campus.
Just before commissioning, my branch had been changed from armor to infantry - not my choice - and it caused some confusion as to when I would report for OIC. I had a summer job in North Carolina. I tried to get the dates changed but ended up having to go to Ft. McNair to do that.
After I got the orders straightened out for my reporting date, I walked out on the sidewalk, in full uniform, and walked past a post bus stop. A Sp4 saw me and I could tell by the expression on his face that he really didn't want to salute me. Finally, he raised his hand and offered me a less-than-sharp salute. I returned his salute, walked over to him, reached into my pocket, and pulled out the silver dollar, handing it to him. He looked at me in shock and tried to ask why. I simply told him that he was the first EM to salute me, and I was following Army tradition.
I smiled and walked away from him, glancing back to see that he was still standing there with the coin in his hand and a look of complete disbelief...You can never tell if something you do will result in the unexpected.
- John Manion
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I was going through basic training back in 1958 at Ft. Leonardwood, Mo. and we were on the KD firing range. Myself and several others had finished and were taking a break when this CPL came over and told all seven of us to fall into two ranks.
He then marched us to the other end where an SSG was waiting. The CPL gave us a halt and a left face, which ended up with me in the back rank. The SSG then said that he needed 6 volunteers to take one step forward, and no one moved so I took one step backwards.
The SSG gave me a weird look and I thought this time I had really screwed up, then the SSG told the CPL to march these 6 men to the pits to pull targets and told me to guard the listerbag, which was in the shade for the rest of the afternoon.
He then marched us to the other end where an SSG was waiting. The CPL gave us a halt and a left face, which ended up with me in the back rank. The SSG then said that he needed 6 volunteers to take one step forward, and no one moved so I took one step backwards.
The SSG gave me a weird look and I thought this time I had really screwed up, then the SSG told the CPL to march these 6 men to the pits to pull targets and told me to guard the listerbag, which was in the shade for the rest of the afternoon.
- Dearl
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While visiting Kunsan AFB in Korea in 1964 for sickcall, two high-ranking AF officers walked past me and ignored my perfect army salute.
I turned around and called to them "excuse me sirs, would you mind returning my salute?"
They both had sheepish grins, and said "Oh yeah, howdy", returned my salute, turned and kept on walking.
I turned around and called to them "excuse me sirs, would you mind returning my salute?"
They both had sheepish grins, and said "Oh yeah, howdy", returned my salute, turned and kept on walking.
- Phillip M. Johnson
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When in Florida at MacDill AFB, I was at the motor pool checking out a truck. The phone rang and a Staff Sargeant answered it with,
"Motuh Pool, you call, we haul, you all and Suh...We got two-bys, fo-bys, six-bys and them big long mo-foes that bend in the middle and go pssh-pssh".
"Motuh Pool, you call, we haul, you all and Suh...We got two-bys, fo-bys, six-bys and them big long mo-foes that bend in the middle and go pssh-pssh".
- Tom Mullins
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I used to carry a roll of toilet paper in my tool box because some of the plane captains in my squadron kept canopy polish on the canopies. I didn't like not being able to see out of the A/C when working on the flight deck so any time I headed for the roof to work on a plane I grabbed a wad of toilet paper so I could clean off a couple of spots, so that I could see out of the cockpit.
One day my Division Officer walked into my shop, saw my tool box sitting open and spotted the toilet paper.
He said, "What's this for Tom, in case of emergency"?
To which I replied, "Well Mr.B, I figure we do everything for our pilots now except wipe their asses and when we start, I'm not going to get caught empty handed."
One day my Division Officer walked into my shop, saw my tool box sitting open and spotted the toilet paper.
He said, "What's this for Tom, in case of emergency"?
To which I replied, "Well Mr.B, I figure we do everything for our pilots now except wipe their asses and when we start, I'm not going to get caught empty handed."
- Tom Mullins Ex AT1
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While in boot camp we had to take turns being the barracks guard.
One day a captain walked in. Having never seen a captain before the poor new recruit on duty brought the barracks to attention by hollering:
Double Lieutenant!!!
One day a captain walked in. Having never seen a captain before the poor new recruit on duty brought the barracks to attention by hollering:
Double Lieutenant!!!
- Larry Neevel
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I enlisted in the Air Force at the age of 16. The bus driver who picked up new recruits at the airport in San Antonio was a real jokester. He told us that we would like the Air Force after we finished basic training.
He said the worst part of it was "the square needle shot in the groin". The shot was to prevent venereal diseases.
Being still wet behind the ears, I was worried he was telling the truth. I almost asked to be discharged as underage until an older ex-Limey from Britain convinced me the bus driver was just pulling my leg.
I tell you every single time we went through the shot lines, I kept a sharp eye out for any square looking needles!
He said the worst part of it was "the square needle shot in the groin". The shot was to prevent venereal diseases.
Being still wet behind the ears, I was worried he was telling the truth. I almost asked to be discharged as underage until an older ex-Limey from Britain convinced me the bus driver was just pulling my leg.
I tell you every single time we went through the shot lines, I kept a sharp eye out for any square looking needles!
- George Ferguson
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In the United States when we had liberty, (open gangway) meant if you had liberty you could go ashore at any time. When we were overseas and had liberty we could only go ashore on the half hour because we had to stand inspection by the OD.
Beside me at one of the inspections was a swabbie we called Swede. Swede had been in the Navy 5 or 6 years and had never made a rate due to his behavior. Every time he got a promotion, he would get busted within a matter of weeks.
Anyway, at this inspection by the OD (who was a newly made Ensign from ROTC), as he stepped in front of Swede to inspect him, he stared at the white hat and moved his eyes down to the shoes. When he got to Swede's shoes he said, "Swede, your shoes are polished nicely but they are old, look at mine."
To which Swede replied, " Well lets face it sir, my shoes have been in the Navy a while."
Needless to say, Swede did not get to go ashore that day.
Beside me at one of the inspections was a swabbie we called Swede. Swede had been in the Navy 5 or 6 years and had never made a rate due to his behavior. Every time he got a promotion, he would get busted within a matter of weeks.
Anyway, at this inspection by the OD (who was a newly made Ensign from ROTC), as he stepped in front of Swede to inspect him, he stared at the white hat and moved his eyes down to the shoes. When he got to Swede's shoes he said, "Swede, your shoes are polished nicely but they are old, look at mine."
To which Swede replied, " Well lets face it sir, my shoes have been in the Navy a while."
Needless to say, Swede did not get to go ashore that day.
- Ron Walker
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True Story:
While I was in USCG basic, me and a few other seaman recruits were on watch and were talking in the head, when one of the female cc's hollers in: "Why do I hear voices in my head!!!!!"
Then one of the boneheads says, "Maybe you should go for a psych evaluation!"
She ended up storming into the male head and chewed us up for a good hour, in the head!
While I was in USCG basic, me and a few other seaman recruits were on watch and were talking in the head, when one of the female cc's hollers in: "Why do I hear voices in my head!!!!!"
Then one of the boneheads says, "Maybe you should go for a psych evaluation!"
She ended up storming into the male head and chewed us up for a good hour, in the head!
- shawn
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While stationed at Cherry Point, MCAS in the early seventies, I had a friend that worked in the motor pool. One day my friend was complaining to me about a certain major that kept calling the motor pool asking to be picked up by a staff car. My friend, an enlisted man, explained to the major that staff cars were reserved for Colonels and above only. This info sent the major into a verbal tirade demeaning and demanding to know my friend's name and rank. My friend hung up on the major.
A few minutes later, the major phoned again. My friend answered and the following is the gist of the conversation:
MAJOR: This is major so and so and I requested a staff car to pick me up a few minutes ago. I still need to be picked up immediately!
E-4: I'm sorry sir, but we do not have any staff cars available at the moment.
MAJOR: Well then corporal, don't you have any jeeps with drivers available?
E-4: No sir, I'm afraid not.
MAJOR: This IS the damn motor pool isn't it?
E-4: Yes sir it is.
MAJOR: Then just what the f#$% DO you have available?
E-4: Well sir, we have the Base Commander's staff car, we have the Commanding General, 2nd MAW staff car and we have some of those big mo'foes that go chuuuu, chuuuu!!!!
He then promptly hung up!
A few minutes later, the major phoned again. My friend answered and the following is the gist of the conversation:
MAJOR: This is major so and so and I requested a staff car to pick me up a few minutes ago. I still need to be picked up immediately!
E-4: I'm sorry sir, but we do not have any staff cars available at the moment.
MAJOR: Well then corporal, don't you have any jeeps with drivers available?
E-4: No sir, I'm afraid not.
MAJOR: This IS the damn motor pool isn't it?
E-4: Yes sir it is.
MAJOR: Then just what the f#$% DO you have available?
E-4: Well sir, we have the Base Commander's staff car, we have the Commanding General, 2nd MAW staff car and we have some of those big mo'foes that go chuuuu, chuuuu!!!!
He then promptly hung up!
- R Nugent
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3 men, seated together on a plane.
One of the men says, "I was an Admiral and had 2 sons, both are lawyers."
Awhile later the 2nd gent says "I'm a General in the Army and I have 2 sons who are doctors."
After a short pause the 3rd gent says, with a smile on his face, "I was a Chief P.O. in the Navy, never got married but had two sons, one's an Admiral and the other is a General in the Army."
Awhile later the 2nd gent says "I'm a General in the Army and I have 2 sons who are doctors."
After a short pause the 3rd gent says, with a smile on his face, "I was a Chief P.O. in the Navy, never got married but had two sons, one's an Admiral and the other is a General in the Army."
- Jack Prendergsat
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While stationed at Langley AFB, Virginia, I was selected to be a Juror for a trial of a Sgt charged with insubordination to a 2nd Lieutenant. The Lieutenant testified that the Sgt had called him a "Dumb SOB", when he ordered the Sgt to do a task.
The next to testify was a Msgt who was the supervisor of the section. The prosecutor asked the Msgt if he saw the Sgt call the Lieutenant a "Dumb SOB"?
The Msgt said, "No Sir, but I heard him."
The prosecutor then asked, "Then tell us how did you know it was the Lieutenant that the Sgt was talking to?"
The Msgt said, "Because he is the only 'Dumb SOB' in the section!"
After hearing this the Judge cleared the court and the Sgt was released after getting a verbal reprimand.
The 2nd Lieutenant "SOB" was transferred to another job somewhere on the base.
The next to testify was a Msgt who was the supervisor of the section. The prosecutor asked the Msgt if he saw the Sgt call the Lieutenant a "Dumb SOB"?
The Msgt said, "No Sir, but I heard him."
The prosecutor then asked, "Then tell us how did you know it was the Lieutenant that the Sgt was talking to?"
The Msgt said, "Because he is the only 'Dumb SOB' in the section!"
After hearing this the Judge cleared the court and the Sgt was released after getting a verbal reprimand.
The 2nd Lieutenant "SOB" was transferred to another job somewhere on the base.
- George Gatewood TSgt USAF
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