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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at
the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys the Colonel says,
"Yours is."
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys the Colonel says,
"Yours is."
- Leonard Marchines
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- Lou Poulin, SFC (Ret)
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A gunny sergeant retired and took his parrot home. Needless to say, with a new spouse he told the parrot he would have to clean up his language. Four letter words were no longer acceptable, he told his parrot.
When friends were visiting he blatantly spurted out a four letter word, and the gunny told him if he did it again he would put him in the refrigerator to cool off. Well, it happened again and true to his promise the gunny stuck the parrot in the refrigerator. 10 minutes later the gunny opened the refrigerator and asked if the parrot was going to behave himself now and the parrot answered affirmatively, but with a question.
He said, "I won't cuss anymore, but to be sure I am good from now on, what bad thing did that turkey do to get himself beheaded, plucked and frozen?"
When friends were visiting he blatantly spurted out a four letter word, and the gunny told him if he did it again he would put him in the refrigerator to cool off. Well, it happened again and true to his promise the gunny stuck the parrot in the refrigerator. 10 minutes later the gunny opened the refrigerator and asked if the parrot was going to behave himself now and the parrot answered affirmatively, but with a question.
He said, "I won't cuss anymore, but to be sure I am good from now on, what bad thing did that turkey do to get himself beheaded, plucked and frozen?"
- Lou Poulin, SFC (Ret)
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While stationed at Barbers Point Naval Air Station with VR21, we had to go past the Marine Brig when going to and from the hangar and barracks. We were always accosted by the Marine bull dog at night going back to our barracks.
One night one of the guys grabbed the bulldog and carried him past the hedges and pulled out a can of zinc chromate paint and some stencils. On one side he stenciled GO NAVY, the other side he stenciled VR-21 and then he sprayed a streak of yellow zinc chromate paint down the dogs back and turned him loose.
It took exactly 13 minutes for the whole marine brigade to muster in our barracks parking lot in full battle gear only to find a couple of drunk sailors sitting on the steps wondering what the fuss was all about.
One night one of the guys grabbed the bulldog and carried him past the hedges and pulled out a can of zinc chromate paint and some stencils. On one side he stenciled GO NAVY, the other side he stenciled VR-21 and then he sprayed a streak of yellow zinc chromate paint down the dogs back and turned him loose.
It took exactly 13 minutes for the whole marine brigade to muster in our barracks parking lot in full battle gear only to find a couple of drunk sailors sitting on the steps wondering what the fuss was all about.
- Clovis Rudd
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A young Lieutenant was on his first assignment after his college graduation. He was assigned as communications officer in a tank battalion radio repair shop.
It wasn't long before the enlisted men had a code word assigned to him. They referred to him as "Wedge".
The poor louie was puffed up with pride when he found out he had such a macho tag bestowed upon him, until he remembered his high school physics class which showed that a wedge was a "simple machine".
It wasn't long before the enlisted men had a code word assigned to him. They referred to him as "Wedge".
The poor louie was puffed up with pride when he found out he had such a macho tag bestowed upon him, until he remembered his high school physics class which showed that a wedge was a "simple machine".
- HOSS HOWARD
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While stationed on the USS Mazama AE-9,
I started telling a newbee about standing mail buoy watch while underway and it was his turn. It was winter in the north Atlantic and it was 1800, so it was cold.
We placed the seaman on the bow with a boat hook and told him we would be back to check on him, and not to fall asleep because if we missed the mail buoy every one on board would be mad at him, and no one would receive mail until we hit port.
To make a long story short, after the ship's movie I fell asleep. In the morning the XO wanted to know who put this man on mail buoy watch?...Needless to say the out come was not good.
We placed the seaman on the bow with a boat hook and told him we would be back to check on him, and not to fall asleep because if we missed the mail buoy every one on board would be mad at him, and no one would receive mail until we hit port.
To make a long story short, after the ship's movie I fell asleep. In the morning the XO wanted to know who put this man on mail buoy watch?...Needless to say the out come was not good.
- go jones
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While serving on the Lady Lex in Pensacola, FL a sailor told his wife that the heavy steel ship was kept afloat because it had a cavity under the hull that was full of biodegradable ping pong balls. Obviously ping pong balls are buoyant enough in large quantities to support such weight.
Big machines inside the ship manufactured them and replaced them as they washed out when we were under way. They were the white foam that was visible in our wake.
After she bragged about it to her Navy wife friends she found out it was a joke. I remember she was quite upset with him.
Big machines inside the ship manufactured them and replaced them as they washed out when we were under way. They were the white foam that was visible in our wake.
After she bragged about it to her Navy wife friends she found out it was a joke. I remember she was quite upset with him.
- SH2 P. Dicke
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
- Tom Kelley
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (Coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (Coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
- Tom Kelley
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True story Lackland 1975/76
Having lived in the UK on and off for some time (GI brat), when another guy and I pulled laundry duty I calmly said as we were walking downstairs that at last we could have a fag!!
I never saw anyone run up the stairs so fast in all my life...Later, I explained it was British for cigarette!
Having lived in the UK on and off for some time (GI brat), when another guy and I pulled laundry duty I calmly said as we were walking downstairs that at last we could have a fag!!
I never saw anyone run up the stairs so fast in all my life...Later, I explained it was British for cigarette!
- Robin Adams
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A Lieutenant in a unit had a big butt and was called fat ass Lieutenant behind his back.
One day, right after arriving home from his unit he called back and wanted to know if there were any officers in the company area. A young private answered the phone and informed him there was the fat ass Lieutenant in the company area.
The Lieutenant got mad and said, "do you know who this is?"
The private said, "no."
The Lieutenant replied, "this is the fat ass Lieutenant."
The private then asked, "do you know who this is?" and the Lieutenant said "no."
The private said, "good!...goodbye fat ass and hung up."
One day, right after arriving home from his unit he called back and wanted to know if there were any officers in the company area. A young private answered the phone and informed him there was the fat ass Lieutenant in the company area.
The Lieutenant got mad and said, "do you know who this is?"
The private said, "no."
The Lieutenant replied, "this is the fat ass Lieutenant."
The private then asked, "do you know who this is?" and the Lieutenant said "no."
The private said, "good!...goodbye fat ass and hung up."
- Fernando Careaga MSG (Ret)
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When I was at Fort Benning with the 4th Inf. Div. in 1951, there was a soldier in my outfit who was a very awkward individual...he couldn't do anything right.
As his platoon Sgt one day I was told to escort him before the Bn. C.O.
The C.O asked him if he thought he would ever make a good soldier, upon which the soldier answered "No sir, but I would make a real good Officer!"
As his platoon Sgt one day I was told to escort him before the Bn. C.O.
The C.O asked him if he thought he would ever make a good soldier, upon which the soldier answered "No sir, but I would make a real good Officer!"
- Ray J Sonnier
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Radioman aboard ship hears an order given to him aboard his ship that countermandered an order given by his ship's captain.
His response, "I cannot comply with the order". Then an outburst of expletives is received and the radioman is once again ordered to change his orders. Again the radioman refuses to comply and responds with a few expletives of his own.
In a last ditch effort, the sender identifies himself as an Admiral in command of the fleet while cursing even more telling him to change his captain's orders.
The radioman says, "Well, do you know who I am, and the Admiral says "No, who are you?" then suddenly hears the phone line go dead.
His response, "I cannot comply with the order". Then an outburst of expletives is received and the radioman is once again ordered to change his orders. Again the radioman refuses to comply and responds with a few expletives of his own.
In a last ditch effort, the sender identifies himself as an Admiral in command of the fleet while cursing even more telling him to change his captain's orders.
The radioman says, "Well, do you know who I am, and the Admiral says "No, who are you?" then suddenly hears the phone line go dead.
- LOUIS POULIN, SFC E7, (Ret)
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A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown,
hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
whom approached the Chief for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
- Goose
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Why are there no walmarts in Iran?
Because there are too many targets.
Because there are too many targets.
- kerry
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