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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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An elderly American gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day, the 6th of June, in 1944 to help liberate this country,....I couldn't find one damned Frenchmen to show it to."
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day, the 6th of June, in 1944 to help liberate this country,....I couldn't find one damned Frenchmen to show it to."
- Bill
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How do you knock out a Marine?
Throw some dirt on a brick wall and tell him to charge the hill.
Throw some dirt on a brick wall and tell him to charge the hill.
- Manny Corona
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Q.HOW MANY LEGS DOES A CHICKEN HAVE?
A. 2 legs
Q.How many eyes does the chicken have? A. 2 eyes
Q. How many wings does the chicken have? A. 2 wings
Q. Okay, how many broken bones does the pussy cat have? A. If YOU DONT KNOW THEN YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT COCKS THAN PUSSY...THATS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q.How many eyes does the chicken have? A. 2 eyes
Q. How many wings does the chicken have? A. 2 wings
Q. Okay, how many broken bones does the pussy cat have? A. If YOU DONT KNOW THEN YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT COCKS THAN PUSSY...THATS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- WENDELL X MARINE
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An infantry soldier comes home after a week in the jungle. When he is having dinner his wife says "oh honey the light in the room doesn't work, can you fix it?"
He looks real mad and says, "Do I look like an electrician to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after a long field trip and after dinner the lady says, "honey the toilet is not flushing right sweetie, can you fix it?"
He gets up and says, "Do I look like a damn Plumber to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after dinner the lady says "oh honey guess what? The neighbor fixed the light, the toilet and the lawn mower that got broken yesterday."
"So how much you had to pay him?"
"Oh well honey see, he said that either I can fix some pants that don't fit right, or to go to bed with him."
"So did you fix the pants?"
The lady got up real mad and said "DO I LOOK LIKE A DAMN SEAMSTRESS TO YOU HONEY?"
He looks real mad and says, "Do I look like an electrician to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after a long field trip and after dinner the lady says, "honey the toilet is not flushing right sweetie, can you fix it?"
He gets up and says, "Do I look like a damn Plumber to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after dinner the lady says "oh honey guess what? The neighbor fixed the light, the toilet and the lawn mower that got broken yesterday."
"So how much you had to pay him?"
"Oh well honey see, he said that either I can fix some pants that don't fit right, or to go to bed with him."
"So did you fix the pants?"
The lady got up real mad and said "DO I LOOK LIKE A DAMN SEAMSTRESS TO YOU HONEY?"
- SSG Pedro A Calderon
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What did the Iraqi say when he hit a car?
Iraq and Iran.
Iraq and Iran.
- Bruce Estes
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This is true.
In 1940, my step-father, Grady B. Fowler, was drafted into the US Army. Grady was quick to laugh, and had a very good sense of humor. When he was standing his first formation, the CO stopped in front of the man standing next to Grady.
The CO demanded of the man: "Soldier why didn't you shave?"
,br>The soldier said, "Well, I did sir, at least I think I did. The latrine was kind of crowded, and maybe I shaved somebody else". Grady couldn't hold it and burst out laughing, and both he and the jokester ended up on extra duty. True story.
The CO demanded of the man: "Soldier why didn't you shave?"
,br>The soldier said, "Well, I did sir, at least I think I did. The latrine was kind of crowded, and maybe I shaved somebody else". Grady couldn't hold it and burst out laughing, and both he and the jokester ended up on extra duty. True story.
- Phillip M. Johnson
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In a bar one evening a retired Marine Sgt. and a retired Air Force Sgt. were arguing over which branch of armed forces was superior. A few hours later they were standing side by side at urinals in the bathroom.
The former airman finished first, zipped up and left. He opened the door to the bathroom and the ex-Marine called over his shoulder to him, "You know, in the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we piss." To which the Air Force vet replied, "Yeah, well, in the Air Force, they teach us not to get piss on our hands."
The former airman finished first, zipped up and left. He opened the door to the bathroom and the ex-Marine called over his shoulder to him, "You know, in the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we piss." To which the Air Force vet replied, "Yeah, well, in the Air Force, they teach us not to get piss on our hands."
- Jessica Collier
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The Marine Corps is experimenting with a new breed of dog for their K-9 corps. It's a cross between a Pit Bull and a Collie. First it tears your leg off, and when it's done, it goes for help.
- Tobert C. Baker
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Not a joke--True story.
We flew for hours from Castle AFB, California to Hickam AFB, Hawaii and had a 45 minute layover for refueling. We then left Hickam and flew on for hours and hours to Guam, where we were headed for a lengthy tdy.
Upon departing the plane, 37 of us walked up the walk to the base terminal. Like all military bases with a runway, the terminal had its own little BX. As we approached the BX, which was about 12 feet wide and about 20 feet long, we noticed a sign over the entrance. In HUGE letters it said, "GUAM IS GOOD". Under that phrase, in smaller letters were the words, "By order of the base commander".
- Harry M
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WHEN I WAS SENT TO MY FIRST NEW AIR BASE THE SARGE AND THE GUYS GRABBED ME AND ANOTHER NEW AIRMAN. WE WERE ASKED FOR ONE GUY TO GET 10 FEET OF FLIGHTLINE,AND THEY GAVE YOU A BUCKET TO CARRY BACK THE 10 FEET IN THE CAN.
I WAS ASKED TO GO TO THE STOCKROOM AND GET A SKYHOOK. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I WAS GETTING BUT BEING NEW AND GIVEN IT WAS MY FIRST ASSIGNMENT I WANTED TO LOOK GOOD AT IT.
IN ANY CASE OFF WENT MY BUDDY WITH HIS BUCKET, AND OFF I WENT TO THE STOCKROOM,, LAUGHS ALL AROUND!
I WAS ASKED TO GO TO THE STOCKROOM AND GET A SKYHOOK. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I WAS GETTING BUT BEING NEW AND GIVEN IT WAS MY FIRST ASSIGNMENT I WANTED TO LOOK GOOD AT IT.
IN ANY CASE OFF WENT MY BUDDY WITH HIS BUCKET, AND OFF I WENT TO THE STOCKROOM,, LAUGHS ALL AROUND!
- BOB
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A young seaman was assigned to his military duty. It
was quiet and un-adventurous, when one foggy
stormy night his radio crackled and he heard a
booming
voice:
"You ahead make way!"
The seaman replied "identify yourself!"
The voice came back and said "I am an Admiral make way!"
The seaman came back and said "I cannot sir you will have to make way for me!"
The admiral came back again and said "I am in command of the biggest war vessel in the fleet and I have the right of way, make way!"
Again the seaman said "I cannot, you will have to make way for me".
The admiral was very upset now and demanded the seaman make way.
The seaman again simply replied "I cannot".
The Admiral totally confused demanded to know why, and finally the seaman came back and said "Admiral, you may be in command of the biggest war vessel we have, but I am in command of this light house and YOU will have to make way!"
The Admiral immediately hollered for the ship to turn.
"You ahead make way!"
The seaman replied "identify yourself!"
The voice came back and said "I am an Admiral make way!"
The seaman came back and said "I cannot sir you will have to make way for me!"
The admiral came back again and said "I am in command of the biggest war vessel in the fleet and I have the right of way, make way!"
Again the seaman said "I cannot, you will have to make way for me".
The admiral was very upset now and demanded the seaman make way.
The seaman again simply replied "I cannot".
The Admiral totally confused demanded to know why, and finally the seaman came back and said "Admiral, you may be in command of the biggest war vessel we have, but I am in command of this light house and YOU will have to make way!"
The Admiral immediately hollered for the ship to turn.
- Lance Devenger
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An old Marine enters a bar. There is a large jar of money in the corner. He asked the owner what's up with the cash? The bar keep said, we have a bet in this town. To participate, you have to put up twenty dollars. Half of the money goes to the bar and the rest goes in the jar. The person that completes three tasks, gets the jar.
The old Marine, not being one to turn down a challenge said here's my $20.00. What do I have to do? He was told that he had to drink a fifth of moonshine straight down non stop, pull the bad tooth of a pit bull tied up out back, and sexually satisfy a woman upstairs that is 70 and has never been satisfied before. After thinking it over, he screams out "bring on the booze.
After he finished his drink he staggered out the door to see the dog. After about ten minutes and a lot of screaming, barking and very strange and loud noises, the door re-opened. The old Marine staggered back in. He was completely mauled and very bloody. He then screamed out in his best drill instructor voice,"Now where the hell is that old broad with the bad tooth".
The old Marine, not being one to turn down a challenge said here's my $20.00. What do I have to do? He was told that he had to drink a fifth of moonshine straight down non stop, pull the bad tooth of a pit bull tied up out back, and sexually satisfy a woman upstairs that is 70 and has never been satisfied before. After thinking it over, he screams out "bring on the booze.
After he finished his drink he staggered out the door to see the dog. After about ten minutes and a lot of screaming, barking and very strange and loud noises, the door re-opened. The old Marine staggered back in. He was completely mauled and very bloody. He then screamed out in his best drill instructor voice,"Now where the hell is that old broad with the bad tooth".
- Henry Lewis USMC
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A yard bird was gathering up paper and trash, as he picked up each piece he said" NO THAT AIN'T IT".
An officer scheduled the Pvt for a mental evaluation,which ended up with the Pvt receiving a Section 8. As he read it, he smiled and said "THAT'S IT"!
An officer scheduled the Pvt for a mental evaluation,which ended up with the Pvt receiving a Section 8. As he read it, he smiled and said "THAT'S IT"!
- Roy Painter
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Have you heard about the new 2nd Lt. Doll?
- Bob
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Well..this is more of a story than a joke.
My dad is in the National Guard and he had soldiers line up for attendance in a huge gym.
Well, keep in mind everthing echoes loudly.
Everyone was standing at attention in their uniforms and he pulled out his fart machine. All the soldiers were lined up and quiet. So, my dad went inside his office, leaving them there, and sounded the fart machine.
He cracked up laughing so hard..caz everyone had "no clue who farted." That is so great!
My dad is in the National Guard and he had soldiers line up for attendance in a huge gym.
Well, keep in mind everthing echoes loudly.
Everyone was standing at attention in their uniforms and he pulled out his fart machine. All the soldiers were lined up and quiet. So, my dad went inside his office, leaving them there, and sounded the fart machine.
He cracked up laughing so hard..caz everyone had "no clue who farted." That is so great!
- Hannah
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