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MILITARY JOKES
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Same, But Different
A retired military mechanic is removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spots a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouts across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" Surprised, the surgeon walks over.
The mechanic straightens up, wipes his hands on a rag and asks, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix them, put them back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon pauses, smiles, leans over and whispers to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
A retired military mechanic is removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spots a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouts across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" Surprised, the surgeon walks over.
The mechanic straightens up, wipes his hands on a rag and asks, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix them, put them back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon pauses, smiles, leans over and whispers to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
- Robert C. Baker
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My Dad told me this one:
During WWII, an Italian Army artillary unit was fired on.
The Unit's C.O. called back to the runner,"We need more shells!!!!!"
The runner came back and said, "sorry Sir, all they got left is Ziti!!!"
During WWII, an Italian Army artillary unit was fired on.
The Unit's C.O. called back to the runner,"We need more shells!!!!!"
The runner came back and said, "sorry Sir, all they got left is Ziti!!!"
- SGT.M.STIMPSON JR.
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An F-15 pilot and an F-16 pilot were sitting in a bar, bragging about their jets' abilities.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a higher top speed.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's got a smaller radar footprint.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a bigger payload and larger range.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's much less expensive to operate and support.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a bigger wingspan.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's got better turn ratio.
F-15 Pilot: Fine, we'll settle this once and for all. Let's both fly 500 miles out to sea, turn back to base, then we'll each cut one engine off and see who makes it the farthest.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a higher top speed.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's got a smaller radar footprint.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a bigger payload and larger range.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's much less expensive to operate and support.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a bigger wingspan.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's got better turn ratio.
F-15 Pilot: Fine, we'll settle this once and for all. Let's both fly 500 miles out to sea, turn back to base, then we'll each cut one engine off and see who makes it the farthest.
- Russ
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A C-130 was in rout to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot "watch this!" He went into a barrel roll followed by a steap climb then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.
The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."
The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think about that?" the 16 pilot asked "what did you do?"
The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back poured a cup of coffee and used the latrine."
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot "watch this!" He went into a barrel roll followed by a steap climb then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.
The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."
The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think about that?" the 16 pilot asked "what did you do?"
The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back poured a cup of coffee and used the latrine."
- 2Lt Johnson
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New to the motor pool, I did not know who or who should not answer the phone. Our Colonel R.A. Johnson was nicknamed Fat Ass Johnson and I had never met him.
When I answered the phone a voice asked, "soldier, what vehicles have you there?"
I replied, "7 jeeps, 4 duece and a halfs, 3 half tracks, and fat ass Johnson's command car."
The voice responded, "soldier, do you know who you are speaking to?"
I replied "no"
The voice came back "This is Colonel Johnson."
I replied, "Hello Colonel Johnson, do you know who you are speaking to?"
He replied "NO"
Then I replied "BYE BYE fat ass", quickly hung the phone up and ran out of the office.
When I answered the phone a voice asked, "soldier, what vehicles have you there?"
I replied, "7 jeeps, 4 duece and a halfs, 3 half tracks, and fat ass Johnson's command car."
The voice responded, "soldier, do you know who you are speaking to?"
I replied "no"
The voice came back "This is Colonel Johnson."
I replied, "Hello Colonel Johnson, do you know who you are speaking to?"
He replied "NO"
Then I replied "BYE BYE fat ass", quickly hung the phone up and ran out of the office.
- Ross Trippodo
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TV interviewer spoke to a National Guardsman in the French Quarter of New Orleans on the street.
"Do you think the lack of clean water will retard your progress in getting the restaurants open?" The Guardsman smiled and replied, "No, it won't slow us down. People do not come to the French Quarter to drink water."
"Do you think the lack of clean water will retard your progress in getting the restaurants open?" The Guardsman smiled and replied, "No, it won't slow us down. People do not come to the French Quarter to drink water."
- George Parker
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I attended Airborne Training at Ft Benning, Georgia, in February 1968. We had two weeks of parachute landing falls, practice exits, and other ground training, including a fall from the 250-foot towers. The third week was jump week, scheduled for five jumps from military aircraft.
On Monday morning of jump week, we were all formed up with Chaplain Walker, the Airborne Chaplain, who was going to talk to us about keeping our heads straight as we jumped. He gave us numerous examples of bad thinking that distracted us from our training and led to injuries. At the end of his talk, he went over how we should think and feel as we exited the aircraft and rode our chutes down to the drop zone. At the end, he remarked "Remember, gentlemen, Jesus Christ was a leg!"
On Monday morning of jump week, we were all formed up with Chaplain Walker, the Airborne Chaplain, who was going to talk to us about keeping our heads straight as we jumped. He gave us numerous examples of bad thinking that distracted us from our training and led to injuries. At the end of his talk, he went over how we should think and feel as we exited the aircraft and rode our chutes down to the drop zone. At the end, he remarked "Remember, gentlemen, Jesus Christ was a leg!"
- John Manion
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When flying an F-4U "Corsair" from USS ESSEX on combat mission in Korea [1951], Brit Sea Fury flight from HMS Ark Royal were to give us a Weather Report which went like thism "Yank 1, Brit 1, weather your target is Calfbah, Over".
Pause followed by, "Brit 1, Yank 1, interogatory Calfbah?"
"Yank 1, Brit 1, I spell Charlie Able Fox Baker, Over"
...Pause again
"Brit 1, Yank 1, Interogatory Charlie Able Fox Baker??"
"Yank 1, Brit 1, I say old Chap Cleah as a Friggin Bell!!! OUT"
(true story)
Pause followed by, "Brit 1, Yank 1, interogatory Calfbah?"
"Yank 1, Brit 1, I spell Charlie Able Fox Baker, Over"
...Pause again
"Brit 1, Yank 1, Interogatory Charlie Able Fox Baker??"
"Yank 1, Brit 1, I say old Chap Cleah as a Friggin Bell!!! OUT"
(true story)
- Reuben Prichard
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A sailor, an airman and a soldier are standing in a road having a heated debate on which service of the united states military is best.
They pay no attention to the oncoming 18 wheeler and are killed instantly.
When they get to heaven they ask ST.Peter which branch of the military is best?
"I don't know I'll have to get back with you after I talk to God."
The next day they see ST. Peter and they ask again. Before they can get an answer A bright light shines down and a note falls to their feet.
FROM THE DESK OF GOD
To: soldier, airman, and sailor these branches are truely honorable and you should be proud to have served.
Sinserly God
U.S.M.C. Retired
"I don't know I'll have to get back with you after I talk to God."
The next day they see ST. Peter and they ask again. Before they can get an answer A bright light shines down and a note falls to their feet.
FROM THE DESK OF GOD
To: soldier, airman, and sailor these branches are truely honorable and you should be proud to have served.
Sinserly God
U.S.M.C. Retired
- Adam Mosley
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The Red Cross contacted easy he red cross contacted Easy Company on a day when they were all out on bivouac. They spoke with Easy Company's First Sergeant who remained at the company area. They had real bad news for Private Wilson. Wilson's dog had died.
The 1st Sergeant was upset himself. He asked the C.O. how they could break the news gently to Pvt. Wilson. "I don't know, top you figure something out."
And the First Sergeant did. He got in his jeep drove at a break-neck speed up and down tank trails, through a few rivers over "hill and dale" to the bivouac area. Along the way he was practicing in his mind the plan he developed to break the news gently. When he arrived at the bivouac he brought his company into formation.
"Men", he said, "I want all men who have a dog to take one step forward."
"Er-- not so fast, Wilson!.
The 1st Sergeant was upset himself. He asked the C.O. how they could break the news gently to Pvt. Wilson. "I don't know, top you figure something out."
And the First Sergeant did. He got in his jeep drove at a break-neck speed up and down tank trails, through a few rivers over "hill and dale" to the bivouac area. Along the way he was practicing in his mind the plan he developed to break the news gently. When he arrived at the bivouac he brought his company into formation.
"Men", he said, "I want all men who have a dog to take one step forward."
"Er-- not so fast, Wilson!.
- GREG PRONOBIS
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After a long time training out in the bush, the Sarge came back from a meeting at HQ.
"Gather 'round men, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is: We're finally going to get a change of socks and underwear. The bad news is: Pvt. Allen, you change with Pvt. Butler, Pvt. Butler change with Pvt. Morgan..."
"Gather 'round men, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is: We're finally going to get a change of socks and underwear. The bad news is: Pvt. Allen, you change with Pvt. Butler, Pvt. Butler change with Pvt. Morgan..."
- ChuckFries
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I was temporarily assigned to a recon unit (no, I wasn't a snake-eater, just on administrative loan, and was working in a
sergeant-major's outer office.
The Sgt-Maj was a Broadway wannabe, I guess. He went to a briefing every morning, and came into the office about 8:30. He would burst through the door and shout "Anybody who can't tap dance is a loser!"
He would tap dance across the floor and into his office while the rest of us shuffled our feet around in our own versions of tap dancing.
One morning a Chaplain, a Lt. Cmdr., came into the office before the Sgt-Maj got there ... now, you can guess what happened, but it got even better.
The Chaplain was over looking at a map on the wall when the Sgt. Maj. came in and bellowed his usual announcement. I was totally dumbfounded, and glued to the spot.
To my surprise, the Chaplain broke into a reasonable facsimile of a tap dance. The Sgt Maj stopped just outside his office door, feet still in motion, and said, "Oh, hello, Father. Are you here to see me?"
The Chaplain continued his dance routine into the office, with the Sgt Maj right behind him, still dancing away. I was in shock and disbelief!
Suddenly the Chaplain's head appeared through the door and he said to me, (who hadn't moved a muscle during all this display, "Corporal, do you have a problem?"
Later I asked Sgt Maj if he knew that Chaplain. "Nope," he said, "Never saw him before in my life."
Semper Fi.
The Sgt-Maj was a Broadway wannabe, I guess. He went to a briefing every morning, and came into the office about 8:30. He would burst through the door and shout "Anybody who can't tap dance is a loser!"
He would tap dance across the floor and into his office while the rest of us shuffled our feet around in our own versions of tap dancing.
One morning a Chaplain, a Lt. Cmdr., came into the office before the Sgt-Maj got there ... now, you can guess what happened, but it got even better.
The Chaplain was over looking at a map on the wall when the Sgt. Maj. came in and bellowed his usual announcement. I was totally dumbfounded, and glued to the spot.
To my surprise, the Chaplain broke into a reasonable facsimile of a tap dance. The Sgt Maj stopped just outside his office door, feet still in motion, and said, "Oh, hello, Father. Are you here to see me?"
The Chaplain continued his dance routine into the office, with the Sgt Maj right behind him, still dancing away. I was in shock and disbelief!
Suddenly the Chaplain's head appeared through the door and he said to me, (who hadn't moved a muscle during all this display, "Corporal, do you have a problem?"
Later I asked Sgt Maj if he knew that Chaplain. "Nope," he said, "Never saw him before in my life."
Semper Fi.
- Gary Michaels
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While awaiting orders in Norfolk several of us decided go into town to have a few beers and get something to eat.
A first class Boatswains Mate named Joe asked if he could come along. We said sure and we all went to a beer joint in Oceanview.
As the night progressed we noted that Joe was really putting away the beers. After about 4 pitchers of beer Joe called the waitress over and said "Bring me a big bowl of Fire House Chile."
When the waitress brings the chile, Joe pours about a half a bottle of Tabasco sauce into the chile and stirs it up and consumes the entire bowl.
He then asks the waitress to bring a big bowl of ice cream which he consumes.
The next morning I asked one of my shipmates "Where is Joe?" He said "He's in the head setting on the crapper hollering "Come on ice cream."
A first class Boatswains Mate named Joe asked if he could come along. We said sure and we all went to a beer joint in Oceanview.
As the night progressed we noted that Joe was really putting away the beers. After about 4 pitchers of beer Joe called the waitress over and said "Bring me a big bowl of Fire House Chile."
When the waitress brings the chile, Joe pours about a half a bottle of Tabasco sauce into the chile and stirs it up and consumes the entire bowl.
He then asks the waitress to bring a big bowl of ice cream which he consumes.
The next morning I asked one of my shipmates "Where is Joe?" He said "He's in the head setting on the crapper hollering "Come on ice cream."
- Jim Black
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TRUE STORY
A very Gung-ho Marine Staff Sargent has been promoted to Warrant Officer. On his first day wearing his new Gold Bars with the Red stripe (Marine Warrant Officer's insignia), a sailor passes him on the street without saluting.
He calls the sailor back and pointing at his bars of rank, he asked the sailor, "Do you know what this means?"
The sailor looks at his bars, pauses for a moment and then replies, "Yes, you are a Red Cross worker" then turns and walks away, leaving the new Warrant Officer red in the face, jumping up and down, sputtering for words.
A very Gung-ho Marine Staff Sargent has been promoted to Warrant Officer. On his first day wearing his new Gold Bars with the Red stripe (Marine Warrant Officer's insignia), a sailor passes him on the street without saluting.
He calls the sailor back and pointing at his bars of rank, he asked the sailor, "Do you know what this means?"
The sailor looks at his bars, pauses for a moment and then replies, "Yes, you are a Red Cross worker" then turns and walks away, leaving the new Warrant Officer red in the face, jumping up and down, sputtering for words.
- Jim Black
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When on River patrol (U.S. Navy) We "Obtained" a lemonade machine. And being the good sailors we were, we always had it mixed and ready to go.
One day, the corpsman "lost" a can of 190 grain alcohol and we added it some to the lemonade. Really quite tasty. Except it would eat through the paper cups pretty quick.
All was fine till the Admiral came aboard for an inspection and decided to have a glass of lemonade. We all panicked.
But, being the good sailor he was, Admiral just smiled and asked for the recipe.
One day, the corpsman "lost" a can of 190 grain alcohol and we added it some to the lemonade. Really quite tasty. Except it would eat through the paper cups pretty quick.
All was fine till the Admiral came aboard for an inspection and decided to have a glass of lemonade. We all panicked.
But, being the good sailor he was, Admiral just smiled and asked for the recipe.
- Skip Lash
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