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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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You know what ARMY stands for? Aren't Ready for Marines Yet.
- Mike
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A Army Wife and a Navy wife were at the annual Army/Navy football game where they had 50 yard seats! After the game, The Army wife asked the Navy wife How did she like the game? Navy wife replied, it was ok, but kinda rough over a coin. Puzzled, the Army wife asked Coin? Yea, said the Navy Wife, you know, they had a coin toss before the game got started, and all during the game all you heard was "GET THE QUARTER BACK!!!"
- Vic Hickok
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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
- Joe
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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
- Joe
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The morning radio announcer on the AFES station in Anchorage AK was giving the time one morning at 8 AM. He said, for those of you in the Air Force, it is 8 AM, The Army, it is 0800 hours, the Navy, it is 8 bells, and for the Marines, the little hand is on the 8 and the big hand is on the 12.
- Don
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Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir."
- anonymous
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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
- anonymous
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A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?" The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do you think of, Sergeant?" "I think somebody stole the damn tent."
- anonymous
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Navy master chief, Army sergeant major, and Marine sergeant major go to a board for retirement. The board tells them, "We will measure from one body part to another, and for every inch, we'll give you $1000 for severance pay." The master chief says, "Measure from my feet to the top of my head." They do, and measure 72 inches, $72000. The Army sergeant major says, "Measure from the bottom of my feet to the tip of my fingers in the air." They do, and measure 100 inches, $100000. The marine sergeant major says, "Measure from the tip of my dick to my balls." The board asks, "Don't you wanna measure something longer?" The marine says "no." They go to measure, but find a problem. They ask the marine, "Where's your balls?" The marine responds, "VIET-FUCKING-NAM!"
- Jacob
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What's the difference between then Army and the Circus? The Army has bigger tents and salutes its clowns.
- Slymer
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An American, a German and a Dutch general are boasting in front of each other about the level of courage their troops have. The American yells out to one if his soldiers: You, dive underneath that submarine, show them what you have. The marine proceeds to jump in, swim under the sub and surfaces on the other side, panting. "Told you they have guts", the American says. Zat is nothing, exclaims the German. Du, put another submarine beside it und swim under both, ja? The german soldier appears to hesitate for a bit, but he [INVALID]s the order. After his swim he surfaces coughing, gasping for air. "As you can see, ze German military shows great courage." The Dutch general grins and calls over one of his marines: You, add a third sub and take a dip. The Dutch soldier simply flips off his general and walks away. All three generals quickly concluded that the Dutch soldiers have the biggest balls.
- AJ
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Kim Jong Un launches a missle. The Amercans find out and don't do anything about it. Why is that? Because the missiles will always fail.
- James Chong
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Was attending a charity event at a golf course here in Baltimore wearing kilts as well as to show our heritage as well.we tee off and then drove up to the first green were a group of very attractive ladies were finishing there putts when our 4some drove up one of the attractive ladies looked bewildered seeing us in kilts.She spoke "hey is it true do u not wear anything under those kilts?" I answer with" it be true classy we don't wear anything underneath" Guess she had to find out so she placed her hand up under my kilt.feeling my manhood then quickly withdrawing,saying " That's Grewsome " I smiled and replied " If you do it again it will grow some more!" I got her phone number latter lol...
- Russell b Rexrode jr
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a captain went to the mess room for lunch one day. the cook asked what do you want special today sir he said give me your best order of boudain sausage. well sir might i remind you that that kind of sausage is very hot. the captain replied just bring it you nitwit ok . so the cook bought the captain what he asked for he ate it the last we heard him say was get out of my way people fire in the hole
- ss
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Two PFCS were sitting in the chow hall eating.One of them was eating a piece of corn on the cob and began to laugh,his buddy said whats so funny.The other said this is the only time I get to chew on Colonels.
- J Chadwick
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