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MILITARY JOKES
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A captain halted a corporal and asked why his stripes were not on his sleeves. He replied. It hurt my nose when i wiped it.
- Sgt. Brittain, US army, Ret.
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Little johnny had to write a story about morals and the time had come for him to read his aloud.This is his story.
I have an uncle,uncle tommy,who's a Army special forces soldier. One time after a night of drinking Jack Daniels,(snuck to him by way of a Scope bottle,)he went on an airborne mission.
Still being drunk from the night before, he got separated from his unit after the jump and landed in the midst of a 100 man enemy unit. Well, my uncle killed the first 50 with his rifle or until he ran out of ammo. He then killed the next 30 with his knife and then the blade broke. He finally killed the last 20 with his bare hands. The end.
The teacher with a look of horror and astonishment asked little johnny what in the world could the moral of that story be. Little johnny replied with a shit eating grin,"Don't Fizuck with uncle tommy when he's been drinking!!!!"
- Thomas Cox
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I went outside for a smoke struck the match lit my cigarette threw it down on the ground & smoked my cigarette threw it on the ground also My platoon Sgt was watching me from a distance & come to me & said is that your smoke & I said yes in my best sarcastic voice & he said come with me.So we went to the parade field & he gave me an intrenching tool & told me to dig a hole 4x4 go get my cigarette & bury it cause it must be dead cause I threw it away. I did as he said & when I got finished he said without missing a beat we forgot your match so dig up the dirt again go get the match & bury it I did so. He asked me which way the lighted end of the cigarette was pointed I didn't know so he said dig it up again & find that smoke & bury it with the lighted end to the east since it was dead & I did so. I quit going outside to smoke after all that.
- John R. Stevens
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Two Sailors were walking down the street in Olongapol P.I. They passed a working girl who said "Come in here boys,I'll give you something you've never had before".
One Sailor looked at the other and said "I don't think we want leprosy."
- karen lee
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CPL Jones sees a private on the mess hall steps with a steel pot helmet and a stick stirring something and asked the Pvt was was in the steel pot. The Pvt said, " shit."
The CPL ask why he was stirring it and the Pvt said I am stirring up a CPL.
This really pissed the CPL and he decided to get even so he told a SSG what had happened. The SSG asked the Pvt the same question and got the same answer except the Pvt said it was a SSG he was stirring up.
The SSG then went to the SFC platoon sgt with the CPL and told him what had happened. They decided to go to the 1st SGT with the problem. After telling the 1st SGT they discussed it and decided it would be best to tell the company commander. This would ge the Pvt in much deeper trouble and maybe stockade time as it would be disrepecting and officer. After explaining everything to the CO the CO agreed.
The CO then approached the Pvt, still on the mess hall steps and said, "Pvt I suppose you are going to tell me you are stirring up a Captain, right?" The private then replied, "Nawsuh, I ain't got neer nuff shit fer that."
- Carter R.
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The Army Brat saw a monkey
and asked the monkey ...
What's invisible and smells like bananas?
'The Monkey said that's easy ...
'Monkey-Fart'"
- Loren
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The Soldier stood and faced God Which must always come to pass He hoped his shoes were shining Just as bright as his brass."Step forward you Soldier, How shall I deal with you? Have you always turned the other cheek? To My Church have you been true?" The Solider squared his shoulders and said"No, Lord, I guess I ain't Because those of us who carry guns Can't always be a saint. I've had to work on Sundays And at times my talk was tough, And sometimes I've been violent, Because the world is awfully rough.But, I never took a penny That wasn't mine to keep. Though I worked a lot of overtime When the bills got just to steep,And I never passed a cry for help Though at times I shook with fear, And sometimes, God forgive me,I've wept unmanly tears. I know I don't deserve a place Among the people here. They never wanted me around Except to calm their fears. If you've a place for me here,Lord, It needn't be so grand, I never expected or had too much, But if you don't, I'll understand."
There was silence all around the throne Where the saints had often trod As the Soldier waited quietly, For the judgment of his God."Step forward now, you Soldier, You've borne your burden well. Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,You've done your time in HELL." ...Author Unknown
- William Martinek
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(True story)..When I got out of Nam, I was stationed at Ft Polk. My main job for the last six months of my Army career was working as an instructor on the LAW and BB Gun range. I had about 3 weeks left this one morning when a bunch of new recruits just came out of the classroom to learn the basics of firing a LAW.
There were about 20 of them. Here they were, all with their LAWs on their shoulders pointing at an old blown-out tank. Except for one. He had his LAW (armed) pointing in the opposite direction. (toward a parking lot) I walked up to him and said "soldier, do you notice anything different about your situation and the other troops"? He looked around, LAW, still on his shoulder, and said "Yes Sargeant, they're all aiming in a different direction than me". I said "Brilliant private! and why is that"? He said "Sargeant!, I'm left-handed"....
- Croft
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While I was assigned to the 3rd Field Hosp. Saigon, I was the Medic in charge of the infections ward.There was a Naval officer who got run over by a speed boat while skiing in Saigon River. The prop blade caught him in the arm pit. There was also an Air Force officer with hemorrhoids and every morning from across the ward you would hear, "Good morning armpit" followed by-- well you can guess.
- Vern
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While stationed in Japan,during the summer of 1955, our Squadron Commander was missing from the orderly room. When asked where he might be, I responded, "He's goofing off". The Major in question was on the outside of the orderly room, and overheard the comment through the open window. He replied, "Sgt, enlisted personnel "Goof Off", Officers "Coordinate activities".
- Phong Vuong
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Two men walk into the restroom, one enlisted and the other an officer. After doing their business, the officer heads to the sink to wash his hands. At the same time, the enlisted man heads towards the exit. The officer says to the enlisted man, "Young man, in OCS they taught us to wash our hands after using the restroom." The enlisted man says back to the officer, "Oh yeah? Well in boot camp, they taught us not to piss on our hands!"
- Robin Burgess
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An old First Sargeant is fully frisky so he rushes home to his wife. He tells her, "honey...my soldier is standing at attention and needs some help!". She replies "I don't see a soldier..just a disabled veteran with two lumpy duffle bags!!" "and he surely does need help!". LOL
- Raul Contreras Sr.
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What has an IQ of 150?
The entire 5th Marines without their
Corpsmen!!!
- Doc Dunn
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What do you call a Marine who can read,write,walk & talk at the same time?
Colonel!!!
- Doc Dunn
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What do you call a Marine that can read & write?
Sir!!!
- Doc Dunn
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