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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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In USAF Basic Training in Texas, before assigning the troops to police the surrounding area of the barracks, the training instructor ordered, ?all who have a college degree, stand to the left, and all with only with a high school diploma, stand to the right.? The training instructor then directed the group with a college degree to start picking up empty cans, cigarette butts, etc., and those with only with high school diploma to ?watch them so you may learn something from them.?
- Earl Whited
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A sailors wife walked into wal-mart to buy her husband a rod and, reel for his birthday. She dosen't know which one to get so she just grabs one,and goes over to the counter. A Wal-mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir.Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel"? He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind,but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around combination,and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says,"It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse ,her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh that sounds like a Master Card," he says, She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks,"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50"? He replies, "Yes ma'am,the rod and reel is $20.00, but duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."
- jack
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A large group of taliban soldiers are moving down the road when they hear a voice call from a sand dune.
"One US Soldier is better than 10 taliban."
The taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the sand dune. A gun battle breaks out and lasts for several minutes. Then there is silence.
Furious, the taliban commander sends his next best 100 soldiers over the sand dune, and instancely a gun battle commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again there is silence.
The same voice calls out, "One US Soldier is better than 1000 taliban."
The enraged taliban commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rockets and machinegun fire rings out as hugh battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually,one wounded taliban soldier crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send anymore men. Its a trap. There's two of them."
- Dan Brown ML-1
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Q. What do you do,next,if a blonde throws a pin at you?
A Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth.
- Dave Carter
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This actually happened: A young airman was walking to the chow hall for lunch, in uniform, minus his hat. A First Sergeant approached the young man and asked, "Where is your hat?" "In my pocket," replied the airman. "How come it's not on you head?" the First Shirt asked. The airman answered, "Because I can't get my head in my pocket." I don't remember seeing that airman around the base much after that.
- Larry Donaldson
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It was during the Viet-Nam war at Ft. Jackson BCT involving a young recruit who was as gullible a can be! Due to a miscount because of his short stature this young E-1 was issued a broom instead of an M-16 to qualify with. The Drill told him to point the broom at the target and yell "Bang-bang!" He did as ordered and sure enough the targets all fell down and he qualified as expert. The same thing happen on the auto-rifle course in AIT when he was told to just yell, "Brat a-tat-tat!" When he went for bayonet qualification he was told to yell "Jab! Jab!" He qualified as expert on all the courses. Finally, he was sent to the 'Nam. After four months of patrolling, ambushes, LP's and OP's, his unit finally got to pull "Palace Guard" on the main fire base's "Green Line." One night, January, 1968, it happened. The NVA launched a major ground assult directed at the camp during Tet! All hell broke loose. Weapons of every caliber cut loose and our faithful "Guardian of the Broom" raised his broom and yelling, "Bang -bang, Brat-a tat-tat", he wasted every NVA that assulted his position........except one! No matter what he did this lone NVA kept coming at him. "Bang-bang, Brat-a-tat-tat", over and over and finally when close enough..... over the din of the battle, you could hear " Jab-jab! Jab-jab!" Then all of a sudden through the dust and smoke of the attack, we saw the young American.Laying there seriously wounded, the "Guardian of the Broom" heard the NVA speaking in English, the words fading as the NVA continued along his merry way across the camp!"Clank! Clank! I'm a tank! Clank! Clank! I'm a tank!
- Lloyd Pearson
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An old man lands in Paris and approaches a very short tempered French customs agent who grumpily asks the old man for his passport. As the old man fumbles around, the Frenchman agrily tells the old man he is holding up the line and asks him if he has ever been to France before. The old man replies yes, once. The Angry customs agent tells him that he should know to have his passport ready to show to the French customs agent. The old man takes a slow breath than says look, when I came to France in WWII I didn't have a passport and couldn't have found a Frenchman around to show it to if I did.
- Scout
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True Story: Due to poor planning, our daughter planned her wedding when our son was in boot. A persuasive letter to the CO got him a one day release. Looking sharp in his khakis, Mom was totally surprised and had a happy cry. His return to camp was at twilight and upon entering the door, with him being backlit, the DI's initially mistook him for an officer and jumped up to salute. Quickly recovering, supressing grins, they ordered him to drop & do twenty.
- Kit Carter
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Drafting Guys Over 60
I?m over 60 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists.
(You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one." Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
- Charlotte Judkins-Whitaker
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True story, I was standing in formation once and enjoyed observing a LT Col dressing down a butter bar. It seems that there was an issue between the young officer and a E deuce. Turns out the E deuce had made the right decession in a matter that the butter bar had derided him for. It came to the Btn Commanders attention who reminded the 2nd Lt that the E duece had been promoted once already!
- Orville
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Just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but youre being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, "Good morning, General"
- Ron
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Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor." The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain and no one noticed anything - Then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"
- Dave Vaught
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A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea
duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
*T*he ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message,
and he was even more surprised when he read, "/My personal
congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise
according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way./"
- Dave Vaught
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A Navy officer and a Marine gunny were in the head taking a leak. After they finished, the gunny walked out and down the hall. The Navy officer caught up with him and said in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The marine said in the Marines they teach us not to piss in our hands.
- Phil Futral
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A moment of silent prayer, please, for the submarine sailor who insisted on sleeping with the windows open.
- Argent
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