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MILITARY JOKES
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First night in a wooded area of Germany during WWII, everyone was scared.
About dusk someone yelled "GAS!"
Everybody started looking for his gas mask.
One truck driver was running towards his truck through the woods, to get his gas mask, with a sheet wrapped around him.
Another GI raised up from his foxhole and started shooting at the guy, yelling, "Ghost...Ghost."
The guy that started all this yelled," I only wanted you all to know that I farted!"
About dusk someone yelled "GAS!"
Everybody started looking for his gas mask.
One truck driver was running towards his truck through the woods, to get his gas mask, with a sheet wrapped around him.
Another GI raised up from his foxhole and started shooting at the guy, yelling, "Ghost...Ghost."
The guy that started all this yelled," I only wanted you all to know that I farted!"
- Calvin Langford
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During WWII General Patton was inspecting a Spear Head 155 Howitzer Co. that had been in battle for months. He walked up to the first soldier. The soldier came to salute arms with his M1 Rifle. As he threw the bolt back, a round flew out of the rifle.
The General asked,"Soldier don't you know that rifle is supposed to be empty for inspection?"
The soldier replied,"Sir, as long as I'm over here it ain't never gonna be empty." The next soldier had a German gas mask on his side. Are the American gas masks not good enough for you, soldier?"
He replied," I know our masks are good enough for our gas, but I'm not so sure about the German's." After the inspection Gen. Patton told the Battery Commander that he had good men, that weren't scared of the devil himself and that's me.
The soldier replied,"Sir, as long as I'm over here it ain't never gonna be empty." The next soldier had a German gas mask on his side. Are the American gas masks not good enough for you, soldier?"
He replied," I know our masks are good enough for our gas, but I'm not so sure about the German's." After the inspection Gen. Patton told the Battery Commander that he had good men, that weren't scared of the devil himself and that's me.
- Calvin Langford
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At the Ft Jackson receiving and processing station we fell out for police call,
we were separated by educational level for police call.
The College men were to pick up paper,
the high school graduates were to pick up matches and cigarette buts,
those who only went to the 8th grade or less were to watch and see if they could learn anything.
- C.L. Mike O'Neill
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Two Generals and an Admiral were seating around arguing about who had the bravest men.
The Navy admiral attested that he had the bravest men by far, to be able to sit out at sea, vulnerable to attack from sub, sea, and air.
The Army general said that his men were the bravest, that they went into battle the enemy.
The Marine general stated that he clearly had the bravest men, since they were the first ones into to battle and the last ones out.
The Navy admiral brought them to a shipyard, and called out to a seaman atop a tall tower. He then ordered the seaman to jump, and the seaman jumped to his certain death. "See that's brave! He knew he'd surely die, but he did as ordered." The Army general then stated that his men were braver still. The Marine general just stated, "That's not brave, that's just stupid."
The Army general then took them to an Army range, and ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant did as ordered, and was blown up within seconds. "See that's brave! He knew the risk and did as ordered." "No, mine was braver," stated the Navy admiral.
"No, that was just stupid," the Marine general butted in. "Let me show you true bravery," he said, and brought them to a Marine range. Once there, he ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant came to the position of attention, saluted, and said, "F**K You, Sir!" The Marine general looked to the others and said, "Now that's brave!"
The Navy admiral brought them to a shipyard, and called out to a seaman atop a tall tower. He then ordered the seaman to jump, and the seaman jumped to his certain death. "See that's brave! He knew he'd surely die, but he did as ordered." The Army general then stated that his men were braver still. The Marine general just stated, "That's not brave, that's just stupid."
The Army general then took them to an Army range, and ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant did as ordered, and was blown up within seconds. "See that's brave! He knew the risk and did as ordered." "No, mine was braver," stated the Navy admiral.
"No, that was just stupid," the Marine general butted in. "Let me show you true bravery," he said, and brought them to a Marine range. Once there, he ordered a Sergeant to tap dance on a nearby minefield. The Sergeant came to the position of attention, saluted, and said, "F**K You, Sir!" The Marine general looked to the others and said, "Now that's brave!"
- robert black
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One night two stationed men were sleeping in the field, and the one man woke up and said to the other Seargent, "Look up and tell me what you see?"
So the man woke up, still groggy, looked up and said, "stars." So the other man said, "what does that mean to you?"
The seargent replied, "Its going to be nice out tommorow???"
Then in return he asked, "What does it mean to you." The man replied with "It means that somebody stole our tent!"
So the man woke up, still groggy, looked up and said, "stars." So the other man said, "what does that mean to you?"
The seargent replied, "Its going to be nice out tommorow???"
Then in return he asked, "What does it mean to you." The man replied with "It means that somebody stole our tent!"
- Michelle
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Do you know the fastest way to get out of a game of bingo in Iraq?
Shout out B52!
- Chris L
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While on active duty in the late 60's serving in Germany, I had occasion to sit on a promotion board interviewing candidates for promotion to E6.
One candidate was of European origin, German I think.
At one point during the interview, an interviewer asked: "Sgt. what is a LEADER?
The candidate pondered the question for a few moments and replied, "Vell sir, it's a little more than a quart."
One candidate was of European origin, German I think.
At one point during the interview, an interviewer asked: "Sgt. what is a LEADER?
The candidate pondered the question for a few moments and replied, "Vell sir, it's a little more than a quart."
- George Mundis
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Way, way back in the 1950's while stationed at NAS Quonset Point, Rhode Island, I along with others had the duty of running up all the aircraft on the flight line on a daily basis.
The day most vivid in my memory occurred during one of these flight line days. The first airplane I turned up was an F4U Corsair, a World War II vintage fighter. After performing the run-up procedures, I shut down the engine, rolled the canopy back and stood by pushing myself up with some force on the arm rests.
The next was an AD, Skyraider, a very large singe engine dive bomber. Following the same procedures, I slid the canopy back and stood as I did with the Corsair.
Next on the list a TBM Avenger another World War II veteran this one a torpedo bomber. Same thing all over again with one difference. When I pushed on the arm rests to stand, I had forgotten the cockpit was an enclosure supported by a heavy aluminum overhead support beam.
The only thing between that beam and my head was my white hat!
It wasn't enough...It still hurts.
The day most vivid in my memory occurred during one of these flight line days. The first airplane I turned up was an F4U Corsair, a World War II vintage fighter. After performing the run-up procedures, I shut down the engine, rolled the canopy back and stood by pushing myself up with some force on the arm rests.
The next was an AD, Skyraider, a very large singe engine dive bomber. Following the same procedures, I slid the canopy back and stood as I did with the Corsair.
Next on the list a TBM Avenger another World War II veteran this one a torpedo bomber. Same thing all over again with one difference. When I pushed on the arm rests to stand, I had forgotten the cockpit was an enclosure supported by a heavy aluminum overhead support beam.
The only thing between that beam and my head was my white hat!
It wasn't enough...It still hurts.
- Lee Jordan
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During the 60's, I was stationed at NAS Norfolk, Va. One day some buddies and I had gone to the local gedunk to grab a coffee and sandwich. As we were leaving the gedunk to return to work, we were walking behind 3 officers, 2 Lt. j. g.'s and an ensign.
Approaching from the opposite direction were 4 Chief Petty Officers, 3 of whom were Master Chiefs with 6 or less hashmarks each, and a crusty older E-7 with gold hashmarks that ended at his lower chevron.
The 3 Master CPO's rendered snappy salutes to the junior officers, while the crusty old chief merely nodded, which immediately resulted in an attempted reprimand from the ensign. The ensign, very red-faced, was attempting to reprimand the old chief while my buddies and I stood behind and watched and listened.
The ensign asked the older chief, "Chief, don't you know you are supposed to salute all officers you meet?", to which the chief (much shorter than the ensign), merely reached up, patted the ensign on the arm and replied:
"Sonny, why don't you go back to the Q tonight and write and tell your mother that you actually talked to a real sailor today..."
Gotta love those salty old chief petty officers. True story.
Approaching from the opposite direction were 4 Chief Petty Officers, 3 of whom were Master Chiefs with 6 or less hashmarks each, and a crusty older E-7 with gold hashmarks that ended at his lower chevron.
The 3 Master CPO's rendered snappy salutes to the junior officers, while the crusty old chief merely nodded, which immediately resulted in an attempted reprimand from the ensign. The ensign, very red-faced, was attempting to reprimand the old chief while my buddies and I stood behind and watched and listened.
The ensign asked the older chief, "Chief, don't you know you are supposed to salute all officers you meet?", to which the chief (much shorter than the ensign), merely reached up, patted the ensign on the arm and replied:
"Sonny, why don't you go back to the Q tonight and write and tell your mother that you actually talked to a real sailor today..."
Gotta love those salty old chief petty officers. True story.
- tony hutcheson
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I JUST JOINED THE A.N.G. THIS WAS ONLY MY SECOND DRILL I HAVE EVER BEEN TO. AND IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAD EVER HUNG OUT WITH MY UNIT.
WELL MY SENIOR MASTER SGT. IS DIGGING THROUGH HIS DESK AND PULLS OUT THIS TOY STORY DOLL (COWBOY WOODY)
SO WHAT IS THE WORST THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY LET SLIP FROM MY LIPS (ME BEING THE ONLY FEMALE IN THE PLACE)....
WHY DO YOU HAVE A WOODY?" THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO AND THEY HAVE YET TO LET ME LIVE IT DOWN.
WELL MY SENIOR MASTER SGT. IS DIGGING THROUGH HIS DESK AND PULLS OUT THIS TOY STORY DOLL (COWBOY WOODY)
SO WHAT IS THE WORST THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY LET SLIP FROM MY LIPS (ME BEING THE ONLY FEMALE IN THE PLACE)....
WHY DO YOU HAVE A WOODY?" THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO AND THEY HAVE YET TO LET ME LIVE IT DOWN.
- Marisa
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Stationed in Korea a man came up to me and said:
"Buy my Bike 5 Dollar!"
I responded with a simple and calm, "No."
He then said, "Buy My Bike 1 Dollar!"
I said No.
The man then looked one way as the military police showed up around the corner of the market and said: "Take the Bike it's Free!!!"
The Military police then arrested the Korean man for stealing a bike.
I responded with a simple and calm, "No."
He then said, "Buy My Bike 1 Dollar!"
I said No.
The man then looked one way as the military police showed up around the corner of the market and said: "Take the Bike it's Free!!!"
The Military police then arrested the Korean man for stealing a bike.
- Ty Moore
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I was stationed in Yuma, Az in the 60's with Crash Crew and we had a CO that liked to have late night early morning training drills.
One night, about 2 am the alarm went off that there was a fire at the end of Runway 21L and I was the crew chief on a MB-5 with 3 other guys. I went to the truck and saw my handline guys putting on their Nomex gear and my turret guy was in the truck... so off we went to the fire.
Well, it turned out to be a training fire and as I'm sitting in the truck I noticed that only one guy was on the Handline. Well nobody noticed and so when we were mopping up and getting ready to go in I asked the handline man where his partner was and he said he had no clue.
So I immediately backtracked the way we came and in the middle of the taxiway their was a silver nomex suit...with the missing man in it.
I stopped the truck and was picking him up and I asked him what happened and he said, when I slowed down to go around a curve, he thought I was stopping... "So he stepped off the back."
The problem was I was still going about 30 miles an hour!
One night, about 2 am the alarm went off that there was a fire at the end of Runway 21L and I was the crew chief on a MB-5 with 3 other guys. I went to the truck and saw my handline guys putting on their Nomex gear and my turret guy was in the truck... so off we went to the fire.
Well, it turned out to be a training fire and as I'm sitting in the truck I noticed that only one guy was on the Handline. Well nobody noticed and so when we were mopping up and getting ready to go in I asked the handline man where his partner was and he said he had no clue.
So I immediately backtracked the way we came and in the middle of the taxiway their was a silver nomex suit...with the missing man in it.
I stopped the truck and was picking him up and I asked him what happened and he said, when I slowed down to go around a curve, he thought I was stopping... "So he stepped off the back."
The problem was I was still going about 30 miles an hour!
- Joe Cowles
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Did you hear the French army will never surrender again?
The white flag factory burned down!
The white flag factory burned down!
- robert gilmore
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
This was followed by an American saying: "So did you mate, if it hadn't been for us, you'd be speaking German."
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
This was followed by an American saying: "So did you mate, if it hadn't been for us, you'd be speaking German."
- Phillip M. Johnson
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Two army second lieutenants were standing on a corner together. All of a sudden, a dog came over to one of them, lifted his leg and urinated on him.
The soldier turned to the other officer and said, "I wonder how he knew I was a 2nd Lt??"
The soldier turned to the other officer and said, "I wonder how he knew I was a 2nd Lt??"
- Ron Turcot
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