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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
This was followed by an American saying: "So did you mate, if it hadn't been for us, you'd be speaking German."
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
This was followed by an American saying: "So did you mate, if it hadn't been for us, you'd be speaking German."
- Phillip M. Johnson
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Two army second lieutenants were standing on a corner together. All of a sudden, a dog came over to one of them, lifted his leg and urinated on him.
The soldier turned to the other officer and said, "I wonder how he knew I was a 2nd Lt??"
The soldier turned to the other officer and said, "I wonder how he knew I was a 2nd Lt??"
- Ron Turcot
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One morning at Ft. Ord California I called the Battery Commander to let him know my wife was having a baby and that I would be a little late because I had to take her to the post hospital. He said it was no problem.
As I went into the orderly room, the new first Sgt. who had just been transferred from a basic training outfit, began to chew on my ear for being late. I started to explain, "I called the Captain and told him."
He stopped me short and yelled, "You didn't tell the captain anything, you asked him!"
A Brig. General and a couple of majors were standing near by. I said, "You are absolutely right. I called the Captain and asked him if my wife was having a baby and if I was going to be late this morning?" And the captain said, "OK."
The General replied," WOW, Sarg. you should be an officer."
The Sgt.'s face turned a bright pink as the officers laughed for a good five minutes.
As I went into the orderly room, the new first Sgt. who had just been transferred from a basic training outfit, began to chew on my ear for being late. I started to explain, "I called the Captain and told him."
He stopped me short and yelled, "You didn't tell the captain anything, you asked him!"
A Brig. General and a couple of majors were standing near by. I said, "You are absolutely right. I called the Captain and asked him if my wife was having a baby and if I was going to be late this morning?" And the captain said, "OK."
The General replied," WOW, Sarg. you should be an officer."
The Sgt.'s face turned a bright pink as the officers laughed for a good five minutes.
- Calvin Langford
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It was the day before graduation in Boot Camp in the Marines in San Diego. The Company Commander decided to have a surprise inspection at one of the top companies on the base.
He pulled up in his car with two MP's and walked to the first group marching toward him. The platoon halted at attention.
The CO then asked one recruit, "Where are you from?"
The recruit replied, "I'm a rebel from Georgia."
The Co then asked him, "What is the eleventh general order!"
To which the recruit replies, "I will walk my post in a military manner, and I will take no S#$& from a Company Commander!"
He pulled up in his car with two MP's and walked to the first group marching toward him. The platoon halted at attention.
The CO then asked one recruit, "Where are you from?"
The recruit replied, "I'm a rebel from Georgia."
The Co then asked him, "What is the eleventh general order!"
To which the recruit replies, "I will walk my post in a military manner, and I will take no S#$& from a Company Commander!"
- Roy Ozan
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While I was in basic training, one of the trainees was unpacking her civilian clothing. As the DI came by, he looked at her items which contained lacy undergarments , sun tan lotion, swimsuits,and dainty frilly summer dresses.
The DI looked at her and asked, "Did your recruiter not tell you where you were going?" She replied, "Ohh, he definitely did!"
Then he yelled in a loud booming voice, "This is Fort Leonard Wood, not Ft. Lauderdale!!!"
The DI looked at her and asked, "Did your recruiter not tell you where you were going?" She replied, "Ohh, he definitely did!"
Then he yelled in a loud booming voice, "This is Fort Leonard Wood, not Ft. Lauderdale!!!"
- Karen
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My dad was in the Marine Corps. I remember he was put on bathroom duty and he had to clean the bathroom. Well every Thursday, this guy that was of higher rank than he, would use the bathroom when they were done.
So one Thursday, my dad and his friends lifted the toilet seat and put ketchup and mustard packets under the toilet seat.
When the guy went to sit down, ketchup and mustard squirted all over the place including his pants!!!
So one Thursday, my dad and his friends lifted the toilet seat and put ketchup and mustard packets under the toilet seat.
When the guy went to sit down, ketchup and mustard squirted all over the place including his pants!!!
- Lindsey
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One day while the general had been observing the troops during one of their camouflage tactics, he saw a tree "jump". Calling to my friend, who was his driver, he told them to take him on down to where the movable tree was. When they got there, the general told the "tree" to identify himself. "Sir, Private Jones, Sir. "
"Private Jones, you realize your very actions could have cost the lives of your entire company. Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
"Sir, I didn't rustle my upper branches when a flock of pigeons used me for bombing practice. Nor did I move when a large dog came up and lifted his leg on my trunk. But when two squirrels ran up my pant leg, saying how they were going to eat one now, and save the other for later - that did it!!"
"Private Jones, you realize your very actions could have cost the lives of your entire company. Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
"Sir, I didn't rustle my upper branches when a flock of pigeons used me for bombing practice. Nor did I move when a large dog came up and lifted his leg on my trunk. But when two squirrels ran up my pant leg, saying how they were going to eat one now, and save the other for later - that did it!!"
- Paul A. Simminger
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My Uncle Mackey was born in Japan, his father being an American Diplomat. When Mackey joined the Army during World War II, he was called in to the Commandant's quarters.
The Commandant questioned, "Why were you born in Japan?" He replied, "Because when I was born, I was close to my mother!"
The Commandant questioned, "Why were you born in Japan?" He replied, "Because when I was born, I was close to my mother!"
- Paul Kirchheiner
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I happen to remember this true story.
We had one man in our group and his wife was in a nearby motel, so he would go see her every night and come in very late. One night we wanted to play a trick, so we carried his bunk, locker, and all of his clothes and put them on top of the hut we lived in.
When he came in late one night, we pulled the fuse out of the box and he could not find his bunk or anything else. He went buck wild and turned over every bed, and ran us all outside which made the cadre wakeup. For this we spent some time on the black top for pulling such a trick....
We had one man in our group and his wife was in a nearby motel, so he would go see her every night and come in very late. One night we wanted to play a trick, so we carried his bunk, locker, and all of his clothes and put them on top of the hut we lived in.
When he came in late one night, we pulled the fuse out of the box and he could not find his bunk or anything else. He went buck wild and turned over every bed, and ran us all outside which made the cadre wakeup. For this we spent some time on the black top for pulling such a trick....
- Robert Costner
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How many gears did the Italian tanks have in WW2?
Five, 4 for driving backwards and 1 for driving forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind!
Five, 4 for driving backwards and 1 for driving forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind!
- Martin Telinius
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True Story
In the Finnish War of Continuation 1941-44, the Russians had surrounded Viipuri, a Finnish strategic town. My grandfather, who was in it, had to cross the river to get to safety with his company. One of the guys couldn't swim, but when he saw the Russians coming he jumped in the river, kicking his arms and legs.
He was the first man to get to the other side :).
In the Finnish War of Continuation 1941-44, the Russians had surrounded Viipuri, a Finnish strategic town. My grandfather, who was in it, had to cross the river to get to safety with his company. One of the guys couldn't swim, but when he saw the Russians coming he jumped in the river, kicking his arms and legs.
He was the first man to get to the other side :).
- Martin Telinius
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When an Iraqi is playing bingo, what number is he least likely to hear?
B-2
B-2
- Daniel Suipik
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There were two Air-Force recruits digging in a hole. One said to the other, "Why are we in this hole and the big shot is standing up there watching us dig?" The other replied, "I don't know, but I will go up and ask him."
He climbed out of the hole and asked the big shot why he was up there watching us dig below. He came back from talking to the big shot and said, "He said he has rank over us." The other guy asked "What is rank," and he replied, "I don't know, but I will go ask."
He climbed out of the hole and asked the Big Shot what rank was. The Big shot then stood in front of a tree with his hand on the tree and told the recruit to hit his hand with the shovel as hard as he could. The recruit picked up the shovel and swung the shovel hard, and as soon as the shovel got close, the Big Shot moved out of the way and the recruit hit the tree with the shovel, hurting his own arms and hands!
The Big Shot stated, "That is rank, now go down and dig the hole."
The recruit then climbed back down into the hole and started to dig some more when the other asked, "Well, what is rank?" The recruit who knew looked for a tree, but did not see one in the hole, so he put his hand in front of the other recruits face and said, "Hit my hand as hard as you can with the shovel!!"
He climbed out of the hole and asked the big shot why he was up there watching us dig below. He came back from talking to the big shot and said, "He said he has rank over us." The other guy asked "What is rank," and he replied, "I don't know, but I will go ask."
He climbed out of the hole and asked the Big Shot what rank was. The Big shot then stood in front of a tree with his hand on the tree and told the recruit to hit his hand with the shovel as hard as he could. The recruit picked up the shovel and swung the shovel hard, and as soon as the shovel got close, the Big Shot moved out of the way and the recruit hit the tree with the shovel, hurting his own arms and hands!
The Big Shot stated, "That is rank, now go down and dig the hole."
The recruit then climbed back down into the hole and started to dig some more when the other asked, "Well, what is rank?" The recruit who knew looked for a tree, but did not see one in the hole, so he put his hand in front of the other recruits face and said, "Hit my hand as hard as you can with the shovel!!"
- Jack Worthen
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A True Story
We were on a night march during boot camp and the guy in front of me asked the Sgt. "May I please fall out of line and pee?"
The Sgt. replied affirmatively to him, "No, and wait till we get to camp!"
The only problem was this guy could wait no longer, so he proceeded to urinate on the guy marching in front of him wetting him very nicely. Of course my buddies and I had to laugh out loud, so we were reprimanded and got gigged.
We were on a night march during boot camp and the guy in front of me asked the Sgt. "May I please fall out of line and pee?"
The Sgt. replied affirmatively to him, "No, and wait till we get to camp!"
The only problem was this guy could wait no longer, so he proceeded to urinate on the guy marching in front of him wetting him very nicely. Of course my buddies and I had to laugh out loud, so we were reprimanded and got gigged.
- Robert Costner
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Being a former military pre-Volar, I remembered how hard basic training was for me. When my son went to Basic...I worried heavily as to how were they treating my baby! I asked my son, "How are you doing babe?"
His response came, "Gee mom, after being raised by you, this is a picnic!"
His response came, "Gee mom, after being raised by you, this is a picnic!"
- Catherine
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