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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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I was stationed at Ft. Bragg in 1970 with HHC XVIII Abn Corps when I caught a one day detail of "Post Beautification".
Six of us HQ clerk types were put in the back of a deuce and a half by a crusty old E-7 and taken to an officer's housing area to build a fence.
The sergeant lined us up when we arrived at the site and asked how many of us were college graduates. About half raised their hands.
Then he asked if anyone had a masters degree - one guy raised his hand.
"Great", said our leader to our learned comrade, "Today you get your PhD."
Then he handed the guy a Post Hole Digger.
Six of us HQ clerk types were put in the back of a deuce and a half by a crusty old E-7 and taken to an officer's housing area to build a fence.
The sergeant lined us up when we arrived at the site and asked how many of us were college graduates. About half raised their hands.
Then he asked if anyone had a masters degree - one guy raised his hand.
"Great", said our leader to our learned comrade, "Today you get your PhD."
Then he handed the guy a Post Hole Digger.
- Jerry McLaughlin
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I went home on leave and found out that my dad had started collecting clocks. He was going to swap meets, buying old clocks and fixing them.
He acquired an old school house clock at a sale. He worked for hours fixing the old thing up and was very proud.
One night a lot of old friends show up to see me while I was as home and one of my dads old friends was looking at the clock for a long time. My dad was watching him and approched him about the clock.
The old friend looked at my dad and asked, you mean to tell me that clock will run 31 days without winding it? My dad puffed his chest out with pride and said, Oh you bet!
The friend came back with, "Well, How long will it run if you wind it"?
He acquired an old school house clock at a sale. He worked for hours fixing the old thing up and was very proud.
One night a lot of old friends show up to see me while I was as home and one of my dads old friends was looking at the clock for a long time. My dad was watching him and approched him about the clock.
The old friend looked at my dad and asked, you mean to tell me that clock will run 31 days without winding it? My dad puffed his chest out with pride and said, Oh you bet!
The friend came back with, "Well, How long will it run if you wind it"?
- Ken Wade Vietnam,Vet
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A very sloppy Buck Private was playing pool in the Enlisted Mens club when a 2nd Louey walked up to the cigarette machine, reached into his pocket and pulled out his change and saw that he didn't have the right change for the machine.
He turned to the Buck Private and said " soldier do you have change for a dollar"? The private reaches into his pocket and says "yah".
The louey Says " soldier as you can see I am an officer and you should have come to attention and called me "Sir" when I talked to you".
"Now lets run thru this again with some military courtesy"." Soldier do you have change for a dollar"? The private came to attention and said "no sir".
He turned to the Buck Private and said " soldier do you have change for a dollar"? The private reaches into his pocket and says "yah".
The louey Says " soldier as you can see I am an officer and you should have come to attention and called me "Sir" when I talked to you".
"Now lets run thru this again with some military courtesy"." Soldier do you have change for a dollar"? The private came to attention and said "no sir".
- Ron Walker
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We had just gotten back from WestPac and were tied up starboard side to at Pier 1, Naval Station San Diego.
Our sister ship was tied up on the other side of the pier, loading stores, getting ready to GO to WestPac. Someone noticed that they were loading watermelon, two in each crate. Sooo - three of us jumped their working party, and each got a crate of melons loaded onto our shoulder.
We moved with the working party until we were directly across from out ships lower brow, and then we peeled off, ran like hell across the pier, up the brow, and down into the foundry.
Later on, around 2000, I and some of the gang were sitting around in the lower shop shooting the bull and noshing on some FINE watermelon. All of a sudden everybody but me went silent, and when I finally looked over my shoulder, there stood the Exec, the Repair Boss, and our Division Officer. BUSTED - BIG TIME!
They commenced to chew ass in a fine Navy fashion, so, when they paused for breath, I did the only thing I could think of - I offered them a piece of watermelon.
They looked at me, looked at each other, and started laughing.
End result - they got a nice piece of watermelon, and I got to keep third class.
Our sister ship was tied up on the other side of the pier, loading stores, getting ready to GO to WestPac. Someone noticed that they were loading watermelon, two in each crate. Sooo - three of us jumped their working party, and each got a crate of melons loaded onto our shoulder.
We moved with the working party until we were directly across from out ships lower brow, and then we peeled off, ran like hell across the pier, up the brow, and down into the foundry.
Later on, around 2000, I and some of the gang were sitting around in the lower shop shooting the bull and noshing on some FINE watermelon. All of a sudden everybody but me went silent, and when I finally looked over my shoulder, there stood the Exec, the Repair Boss, and our Division Officer. BUSTED - BIG TIME!
They commenced to chew ass in a fine Navy fashion, so, when they paused for breath, I did the only thing I could think of - I offered them a piece of watermelon.
They looked at me, looked at each other, and started laughing.
End result - they got a nice piece of watermelon, and I got to keep third class.
- Molder Brown
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In the fall of 1986 in Little Creek Virginia a new load of butter bar Ensigns were repoting for duty.
One of the Master Chiefs from our squadron is watching as the new ensigns are on the pier watching for the enlisted men to salute them as they go by. The Master Chief walks down the gangway onto the pier and walks right between two of the new butter bars, his salute was something to make everyone pay attention as he split the two, he threw up both arms and pulled off a left and right salute.
Both the ensigns stopped in their tracks and didn't even make their salutes come all the way up being bewildered by the Master Chiefs actions.
The next thing to happen was truly amazing, the Master Chief walks back up to the two newbies, puts an arm around their shoulders and has a little huddle on the pier. I'm not real sure what was said and probably wouldn't care to know, but the Ensign assigned to our ship never missed a salute after that and always refered to the CMC as yes sir and no sir.
One of the Master Chiefs from our squadron is watching as the new ensigns are on the pier watching for the enlisted men to salute them as they go by. The Master Chief walks down the gangway onto the pier and walks right between two of the new butter bars, his salute was something to make everyone pay attention as he split the two, he threw up both arms and pulled off a left and right salute.
Both the ensigns stopped in their tracks and didn't even make their salutes come all the way up being bewildered by the Master Chiefs actions.
The next thing to happen was truly amazing, the Master Chief walks back up to the two newbies, puts an arm around their shoulders and has a little huddle on the pier. I'm not real sure what was said and probably wouldn't care to know, but the Ensign assigned to our ship never missed a salute after that and always refered to the CMC as yes sir and no sir.
- Sandy Mason GMG1sw USN vet
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In late 1969, I returned from RVN and was assigned at Fort Carson, CO, to the Third Brigade, 5th Inf (Mech). The post CG was MG Bernard Rogers. Soon after I arrived, I was told about the previous CG, who had a German wife. She would drive around the post in his staff car, insisting that the driver uncover the stars on the bumpers.
Soon after she arrived, she instructed the enlisted orderly to go to the commissary and get a pound of thinly sliced ham, telling him to have them slice it as thin as they could. The commissary butchers sliced the ham with the smallest setting of their slicing machine, and the orderly brought it back to her. She retorted that it was not as thin as she wanted and told him to go back.
The butchers used knives and tried to slice the ham as thin as paper, but when the orderly brought it back, she said it was not thin enough.
He went back to the commissary, and the butchers hand sliced several pounds of ham until they had a pound of paper-thin ham. The orderly returned to the house with this package of ham.
She opened the package, examined it, and then emptied it into the trash basket, saying "Now, they know I'm here!"
Soon after she arrived, she instructed the enlisted orderly to go to the commissary and get a pound of thinly sliced ham, telling him to have them slice it as thin as they could. The commissary butchers sliced the ham with the smallest setting of their slicing machine, and the orderly brought it back to her. She retorted that it was not as thin as she wanted and told him to go back.
The butchers used knives and tried to slice the ham as thin as paper, but when the orderly brought it back, she said it was not thin enough.
He went back to the commissary, and the butchers hand sliced several pounds of ham until they had a pound of paper-thin ham. The orderly returned to the house with this package of ham.
She opened the package, examined it, and then emptied it into the trash basket, saying "Now, they know I'm here!"
- John Manion
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While my son was stationed in Iraq, all the men were given a complimentary issue of a men's health and fitness magazine and were told that if they wanted to subscribe to it they just had to send in a request to subscribe to it.
My son received a letter back from them saying that they were sorry that they couldn't honor his request as "Anyone requesting a subscribtion from a correctional institution had to pre-pay."
Gee, he was in a war but I don't think you could say it was "jail!"
My son received a letter back from them saying that they were sorry that they couldn't honor his request as "Anyone requesting a subscribtion from a correctional institution had to pre-pay."
Gee, he was in a war but I don't think you could say it was "jail!"
- Sharon
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In 1968, I was stationed at Nellis AFB, Nevada. We had a young airman by the name of Jim that was about as "unmilitary" as you could get.
One morning, I was assigned the task of taking him to the hospital for an appointment. When we arrived, I got out of the car, and put my fatigue cap on, and told Jim to do likewise. He didn't, leaving his cap in his back pocket.
Sure enough, as we approached the front entrance, we met a Msgt. He stopped us, and asked Jim why he didn't have his fatigue cap on. Jim replied, "Because my head won't fit in my back pocket!"
With that, the Msgt. shook his head, and walked away!
Only Jim could get away with something like that. This story got a lot of laughs around the squadron, and still does.
One morning, I was assigned the task of taking him to the hospital for an appointment. When we arrived, I got out of the car, and put my fatigue cap on, and told Jim to do likewise. He didn't, leaving his cap in his back pocket.
Sure enough, as we approached the front entrance, we met a Msgt. He stopped us, and asked Jim why he didn't have his fatigue cap on. Jim replied, "Because my head won't fit in my back pocket!"
With that, the Msgt. shook his head, and walked away!
Only Jim could get away with something like that. This story got a lot of laughs around the squadron, and still does.
- Jack
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Same, But Different
A retired military mechanic is removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spots a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouts across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" Surprised, the surgeon walks over.
The mechanic straightens up, wipes his hands on a rag and asks, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix them, put them back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon pauses, smiles, leans over and whispers to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
A retired military mechanic is removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spots a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouts across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" Surprised, the surgeon walks over.
The mechanic straightens up, wipes his hands on a rag and asks, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix them, put them back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon pauses, smiles, leans over and whispers to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
- Robert C. Baker
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My Dad told me this one:
During WWII, an Italian Army artillary unit was fired on.
The Unit's C.O. called back to the runner,"We need more shells!!!!!"
The runner came back and said, "sorry Sir, all they got left is Ziti!!!"
During WWII, an Italian Army artillary unit was fired on.
The Unit's C.O. called back to the runner,"We need more shells!!!!!"
The runner came back and said, "sorry Sir, all they got left is Ziti!!!"
- SGT.M.STIMPSON JR.
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An F-15 pilot and an F-16 pilot were sitting in a bar, bragging about their jets' abilities.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a higher top speed.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's got a smaller radar footprint.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a bigger payload and larger range.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's much less expensive to operate and support.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a bigger wingspan.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's got better turn ratio.
F-15 Pilot: Fine, we'll settle this once and for all. Let's both fly 500 miles out to sea, turn back to base, then we'll each cut one engine off and see who makes it the farthest.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a higher top speed.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's got a smaller radar footprint.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a bigger payload and larger range.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's much less expensive to operate and support.
F-15 Pilot: My jet's got a bigger wingspan.
F-16 Pilot: My jet's got better turn ratio.
F-15 Pilot: Fine, we'll settle this once and for all. Let's both fly 500 miles out to sea, turn back to base, then we'll each cut one engine off and see who makes it the farthest.
- Russ
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A C-130 was in rout to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot "watch this!" He went into a barrel roll followed by a steap climb then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.
The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."
The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think about that?" the 16 pilot asked "what did you do?"
The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back poured a cup of coffee and used the latrine."
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot "watch this!" He went into a barrel roll followed by a steap climb then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.
The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."
The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think about that?" the 16 pilot asked "what did you do?"
The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back poured a cup of coffee and used the latrine."
- 2Lt Johnson
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New to the motor pool, I did not know who or who should not answer the phone. Our Colonel R.A. Johnson was nicknamed Fat Ass Johnson and I had never met him.
When I answered the phone a voice asked, "soldier, what vehicles have you there?"
I replied, "7 jeeps, 4 duece and a halfs, 3 half tracks, and fat ass Johnson's command car."
The voice responded, "soldier, do you know who you are speaking to?"
I replied "no"
The voice came back "This is Colonel Johnson."
I replied, "Hello Colonel Johnson, do you know who you are speaking to?"
He replied "NO"
Then I replied "BYE BYE fat ass", quickly hung the phone up and ran out of the office.
When I answered the phone a voice asked, "soldier, what vehicles have you there?"
I replied, "7 jeeps, 4 duece and a halfs, 3 half tracks, and fat ass Johnson's command car."
The voice responded, "soldier, do you know who you are speaking to?"
I replied "no"
The voice came back "This is Colonel Johnson."
I replied, "Hello Colonel Johnson, do you know who you are speaking to?"
He replied "NO"
Then I replied "BYE BYE fat ass", quickly hung the phone up and ran out of the office.
- Ross Trippodo
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TV interviewer spoke to a National Guardsman in the French Quarter of New Orleans on the street.
"Do you think the lack of clean water will retard your progress in getting the restaurants open?" The Guardsman smiled and replied, "No, it won't slow us down. People do not come to the French Quarter to drink water."
"Do you think the lack of clean water will retard your progress in getting the restaurants open?" The Guardsman smiled and replied, "No, it won't slow us down. People do not come to the French Quarter to drink water."
- George Parker
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I attended Airborne Training at Ft Benning, Georgia, in February 1968. We had two weeks of parachute landing falls, practice exits, and other ground training, including a fall from the 250-foot towers. The third week was jump week, scheduled for five jumps from military aircraft.
On Monday morning of jump week, we were all formed up with Chaplain Walker, the Airborne Chaplain, who was going to talk to us about keeping our heads straight as we jumped. He gave us numerous examples of bad thinking that distracted us from our training and led to injuries. At the end of his talk, he went over how we should think and feel as we exited the aircraft and rode our chutes down to the drop zone. At the end, he remarked "Remember, gentlemen, Jesus Christ was a leg!"
On Monday morning of jump week, we were all formed up with Chaplain Walker, the Airborne Chaplain, who was going to talk to us about keeping our heads straight as we jumped. He gave us numerous examples of bad thinking that distracted us from our training and led to injuries. At the end of his talk, he went over how we should think and feel as we exited the aircraft and rode our chutes down to the drop zone. At the end, he remarked "Remember, gentlemen, Jesus Christ was a leg!"
- John Manion
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