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MILITARY JOKES
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A 75 yr old retired Colonel was married to a 25 yr old blonde. For years he had always told her that when he died that he wanted all his money placed in his casket so that his friends wouldn't say that she married him for his money.
Three yrs later he died. At the conclusion of the ceremony as the undertaker was closing the casket the blonde placed a box in the coffin with her husband.
Her girlfriend said "Girl, you surely didn't give him his money in that box did you?!"
The blonde replied, "I wrote him a check. If he cashes it I'm broke."
Three yrs later he died. At the conclusion of the ceremony as the undertaker was closing the casket the blonde placed a box in the coffin with her husband.
Her girlfriend said "Girl, you surely didn't give him his money in that box did you?!"
The blonde replied, "I wrote him a check. If he cashes it I'm broke."
- Roger
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Question: What do you call a 4 Star Admiral with his pocket unbuttoned?
Answer: Unsat!!
Answer: Unsat!!
- Boz
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During my enjoyable stint in the Air Force, I took advantage of the base chapels that were a part of most air force bases. In an effort to help support these facilities, which I regret have fallen into oblivian, I decided to teach a military sunday school class.
One Easter, I asked the little 8 year old daughter of a staff sergeant, "What does Easter mean?"
She said, "That was the day the Jesus came out of the grave."
I said, "That's right, but what happened next?"
I nearly fell off my seat when she said in the sweetest possible way, "I think He saw His shadow, and had to go back in for six more weeks!"
One Easter, I asked the little 8 year old daughter of a staff sergeant, "What does Easter mean?"
She said, "That was the day the Jesus came out of the grave."
I said, "That's right, but what happened next?"
I nearly fell off my seat when she said in the sweetest possible way, "I think He saw His shadow, and had to go back in for six more weeks!"
- Barry Dutton
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Every second lieutenant acquires embarrassing memories when he wears gold bars; it seems to come with the job.
The first time the Air Force sent me on temporary duty by myself, I experienced probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, which I tell here in hopes that other butter bars out there won't make the same mistake.
I was traveling from Wright-Patterson AFB OH to Vandenberg AFB CA one spring, and the flight scheduled me for a two-hour layover in the St. Louis MO airport. I decided to hit the snack bar and bought a cup of coffee, a package of Oreos and a newspaper. After giving the cashier the nine bucks or so these items cost, I scanned the crowded sitting area for a place to relax. The lounge was crowded, but there appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military uniform of some sort.
"Great!" I thought, "another soldier. Maybe he can tell me about life in the forces."
With my coffee on the right side of the table, my newspaper on the left and my Oreos in the center, I sat down before I took my first close look at the man opposite me. He was a Marine corps brigadier general; a mean-looking man with no hair, an honest-to-God scar on his forehead and about six rows of ribbons, including the Silver Star with a cluster. To me, the general had horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long, pointed tail as well.
I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting to bother the general, I meekly squeaked out, "Good morning, sir," before sitting down.
I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and was making good progress when I heard a peculiar rustling sound, much like the crinkling of cellophane. I looked up out of the corner of my eye to discover the general had reached across the center of the table, opened the package of Oreos, taken out one and was eating it. Now, not having attended the Air Force Academy, I was not familiar with how to deal with the finer points of military etiquette, such as what to do when a senior member of another service calmly rips off one of your cookies. Several responses came to mind, but none of these seemed entirely appropriate.
I realized that the honor of the Air Force was, in a small way, at stake here. I certainly couldn't let the general think I was a complete weenie. Besides, at airport prices, one Oreo is a significant fraction of take home pay for a second lieutenant. The only response I could make was to reach across the center of the table, open the opposite end of the package (trying not to notice that the other end had mysteriously come open somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it very, very thoroughly.
"There," I thought, "I've subtly shown the general that these are my Oreos, and he should go buy his own"
Marines are known for many qualities, but subtlety is not among them. The general calmly reached out for another Oreo and ate it. (By the way, the general was licking the middles out first before eating the cookies.) Not having said anything the first time, of course, I couldn't bring it up now.
The only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself. We wound up alternating through the entire package. For an instant our eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the air, but neither of us said a word.
After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced something over the public address system. The general got up, put his papers back into his briefcase, picked up the now empty wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs neatly off the table and left. I sat there marveling at his gall and feeling very foolish.
A few minutes later, they announced my flight. I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, threw the cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal ... my Oreos!
Today, two of us are running around the Armed Forces telling the same story, but only one of us has the punch line. And general, if you are reading this, get in touch with me and I will be glad to send you a case of Oreos.
The first time the Air Force sent me on temporary duty by myself, I experienced probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, which I tell here in hopes that other butter bars out there won't make the same mistake.
I was traveling from Wright-Patterson AFB OH to Vandenberg AFB CA one spring, and the flight scheduled me for a two-hour layover in the St. Louis MO airport. I decided to hit the snack bar and bought a cup of coffee, a package of Oreos and a newspaper. After giving the cashier the nine bucks or so these items cost, I scanned the crowded sitting area for a place to relax. The lounge was crowded, but there appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military uniform of some sort.
"Great!" I thought, "another soldier. Maybe he can tell me about life in the forces."
With my coffee on the right side of the table, my newspaper on the left and my Oreos in the center, I sat down before I took my first close look at the man opposite me. He was a Marine corps brigadier general; a mean-looking man with no hair, an honest-to-God scar on his forehead and about six rows of ribbons, including the Silver Star with a cluster. To me, the general had horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long, pointed tail as well.
I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting to bother the general, I meekly squeaked out, "Good morning, sir," before sitting down.
I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and was making good progress when I heard a peculiar rustling sound, much like the crinkling of cellophane. I looked up out of the corner of my eye to discover the general had reached across the center of the table, opened the package of Oreos, taken out one and was eating it. Now, not having attended the Air Force Academy, I was not familiar with how to deal with the finer points of military etiquette, such as what to do when a senior member of another service calmly rips off one of your cookies. Several responses came to mind, but none of these seemed entirely appropriate.
I realized that the honor of the Air Force was, in a small way, at stake here. I certainly couldn't let the general think I was a complete weenie. Besides, at airport prices, one Oreo is a significant fraction of take home pay for a second lieutenant. The only response I could make was to reach across the center of the table, open the opposite end of the package (trying not to notice that the other end had mysteriously come open somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it very, very thoroughly.
"There," I thought, "I've subtly shown the general that these are my Oreos, and he should go buy his own"
Marines are known for many qualities, but subtlety is not among them. The general calmly reached out for another Oreo and ate it. (By the way, the general was licking the middles out first before eating the cookies.) Not having said anything the first time, of course, I couldn't bring it up now.
The only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself. We wound up alternating through the entire package. For an instant our eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the air, but neither of us said a word.
After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced something over the public address system. The general got up, put his papers back into his briefcase, picked up the now empty wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs neatly off the table and left. I sat there marveling at his gall and feeling very foolish.
A few minutes later, they announced my flight. I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, threw the cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal ... my Oreos!
Today, two of us are running around the Armed Forces telling the same story, but only one of us has the punch line. And general, if you are reading this, get in touch with me and I will be glad to send you a case of Oreos.
- Anthony J.(Tony) Gagliano, Sr.
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This is a true story.
One year during a training exercise at Yakima Fire Center, Yakima Washington, I was assigned to our company motor section as part of the contact team. We had a well camouflaged position between two sand dunes, and well covered by camouflage netting.
While we were waiting for a vehicle to get stuck, or break down, we were entertaining ourselves by reading the latest training manuals available, (Playboy, Penthouse, Etc.), and capturing some of the local critters to bring back as souvenirs, (Horny Toads). We had managed to capture several of the little varmints, and created a makeshift terrarium for them, when we were visited by the shortest, orneriest looking three star general I have ever seen.
He was accompanied by our company commander, and first sergeant. They arrived unannounced and proceeded to inspect the area. When the general saw the makeshift terrarium, he looked me straight in the eye and asked me, "What's is that< jar soldier?!"
I replied, "Horny Toads, Sir!"
Then he asked me, "What are they doing in that, jar soldier?"
These were not my horny toads. I didn't want to get anyone in trouble, but I had to answer the general truthfully, so I looked him straight in the eye and replied, "They're fu***ng Sir!"
(This was the truth, as they were living up to their names at the time.) You should have seen the look on the general's face. I didn't know if he was going to laugh or court-marshal me, and it looked like he didn't either. In the end, he just clenched his jaw and continued on to the next area of inspection. I never heard a word about the incident from my first sergeant, or company commander, but the rest of the guys in the motor section sure thought it was great.
One year during a training exercise at Yakima Fire Center, Yakima Washington, I was assigned to our company motor section as part of the contact team. We had a well camouflaged position between two sand dunes, and well covered by camouflage netting.
While we were waiting for a vehicle to get stuck, or break down, we were entertaining ourselves by reading the latest training manuals available, (Playboy, Penthouse, Etc.), and capturing some of the local critters to bring back as souvenirs, (Horny Toads). We had managed to capture several of the little varmints, and created a makeshift terrarium for them, when we were visited by the shortest, orneriest looking three star general I have ever seen.
He was accompanied by our company commander, and first sergeant. They arrived unannounced and proceeded to inspect the area. When the general saw the makeshift terrarium, he looked me straight in the eye and asked me, "What's is that< jar soldier?!"
I replied, "Horny Toads, Sir!"
Then he asked me, "What are they doing in that, jar soldier?"
These were not my horny toads. I didn't want to get anyone in trouble, but I had to answer the general truthfully, so I looked him straight in the eye and replied, "They're fu***ng Sir!"
(This was the truth, as they were living up to their names at the time.) You should have seen the look on the general's face. I didn't know if he was going to laugh or court-marshal me, and it looked like he didn't either. In the end, he just clenched his jaw and continued on to the next area of inspection. I never heard a word about the incident from my first sergeant, or company commander, but the rest of the guys in the motor section sure thought it was great.
- Michael Charland
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I had just arrived at my first duty station, Edwards AFB, CA.
Not my first choice, but I was dead set on making the best of it.
Assigned to the Fighter Pilot Squadron, as an administrative clerk, I dropped my gear and proceeded to report in. As I walked up to the HQs, I encountered a pilot (Colonel), just leaving the building.
I quickly popped him a salute, and gave him a wavering, "Good Morning, Sir".
He looked at me as if I'd just killed his dog and answered as he walked past, not returning my salute:
"I don't salute airmen, kid."
Red faced and a little upset, I turned to him as he was walking away and yelled, "Well then, Sir, could you at least give me a hand getting this thing down?"
He turned around, looked at me, walked straight up to me, smartly saluted me, and said, "You're my new aide. Report in and come to my office."
We've been life long friends even into retirement, and still joke about that salute.
Assigned to the Fighter Pilot Squadron, as an administrative clerk, I dropped my gear and proceeded to report in. As I walked up to the HQs, I encountered a pilot (Colonel), just leaving the building.
I quickly popped him a salute, and gave him a wavering, "Good Morning, Sir".
He looked at me as if I'd just killed his dog and answered as he walked past, not returning my salute:
"I don't salute airmen, kid."
Red faced and a little upset, I turned to him as he was walking away and yelled, "Well then, Sir, could you at least give me a hand getting this thing down?"
He turned around, looked at me, walked straight up to me, smartly saluted me, and said, "You're my new aide. Report in and come to my office."
We've been life long friends even into retirement, and still joke about that salute.
- Jimmy L. Dean, jr
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Subject: Osama
When Osama Bin Laden was killed by the U.S. Military, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
When Osama Bin Laden was killed by the U.S. Military, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
- Joe Jennings
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During World War II, There was a cruise going to Europe and on that cruise the nightly entertainer was a "Magician".
He started with his "magic" and in the audiance there was this old "Sea Captain" with a peg leg and a green parrot on his shoulder and every time the magician would perform some magic the parrot would say,"Ah- In your pants, in your pants!"
He did another magic trick and the parrot said,"Ah-up your sleeve,Up your sleeve!"
This was getting pretty aggravating to the magician when out to sea about 500 feet a "German Submarine" was spoting the ship and sent three torpedoes out to blow it up.
Three days later the magician is holding onto a piece of flooring from the ship when the parrot comes and lands on the plank and asks, "Alright, What did you do with the ship?"
He started with his "magic" and in the audiance there was this old "Sea Captain" with a peg leg and a green parrot on his shoulder and every time the magician would perform some magic the parrot would say,"Ah- In your pants, in your pants!"
He did another magic trick and the parrot said,"Ah-up your sleeve,Up your sleeve!"
This was getting pretty aggravating to the magician when out to sea about 500 feet a "German Submarine" was spoting the ship and sent three torpedoes out to blow it up.
Three days later the magician is holding onto a piece of flooring from the ship when the parrot comes and lands on the plank and asks, "Alright, What did you do with the ship?"
- Don Abbott
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My oldest brother followed my footsteps and joined the Navy four years after I did.
After abount 7 weeks into his "boot training" at Great Lakes, I wrote him a letter and asked him: "How does it feel to be an "OLD SALT?"
His reply: "I don't know, as we do all our training in "FRESH WATER."
After abount 7 weeks into his "boot training" at Great Lakes, I wrote him a letter and asked him: "How does it feel to be an "OLD SALT?"
His reply: "I don't know, as we do all our training in "FRESH WATER."
- Beverlee A. Cheney
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An old CSM had just retired from the Army.
He dedicated his whole life to the service and knew nothing but the army...not even the touch of a woman. Upon his retirement he decided to go all out and get a hooker. So off he went he found a young attractive girl and a room.
He told her "i spent all my life in the army and im in complete control of my body. Watch he said. Attention! he called and immediatley became aroused.
The hooker looked on with amazement. At ease he said and down it went.
The hooker obviously wowed by this performance asked to see him do that again so just like be fore attention immediate arousement at ease soft again.
One last time she wanted to see before she earned her money so ATTENTION he shouted then at ease....at ease....AT EASE... still with no response he went to the corner and started to masturbate.
What are you doing the hooker yelled his reply...Dishonorable discharge
He dedicated his whole life to the service and knew nothing but the army...not even the touch of a woman. Upon his retirement he decided to go all out and get a hooker. So off he went he found a young attractive girl and a room.
He told her "i spent all my life in the army and im in complete control of my body. Watch he said. Attention! he called and immediatley became aroused.
The hooker looked on with amazement. At ease he said and down it went.
The hooker obviously wowed by this performance asked to see him do that again so just like be fore attention immediate arousement at ease soft again.
One last time she wanted to see before she earned her money so ATTENTION he shouted then at ease....at ease....AT EASE... still with no response he went to the corner and started to masturbate.
What are you doing the hooker yelled his reply...Dishonorable discharge
- David Nazzaro
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What's the the difference between a General and God?
God doesn't walk around all day thinking he is a General!!
God doesn't walk around all day thinking he is a General!!
- Bill De Byker
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A retired Army General was invited to address an assembly. The next day and he was quartered in the Bachelor Officer's Quarters for the night. He showered and was watching TV dressed in his bath robe.
Suddenly the door burst open and a a beautiful young WAAC lieutenant burst into the room. She exclaimed, "My God. I'm in the wrong room."
The general replied, "My dear, you're not in the wrong room but you are twenty years too late."
Suddenly the door burst open and a a beautiful young WAAC lieutenant burst into the room. She exclaimed, "My God. I'm in the wrong room."
The general replied, "My dear, you're not in the wrong room but you are twenty years too late."
- harold hickman
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Two retired E-8's a Chief and a SGT. played golf every day.
They left at 6 A.M. and returned at 3P.M.
One day they didn't come home at 3 P.M. and the wives started to worry.
At 6 P.M. they were still not home the wives starting making phone calls looking for there husbands.
8 P.M. the Chief comes thru the door all dirty and cut up and Phyicaly beat up. His wife asks, "my poor Chief what happened to you i was so worried?!"
The chief says, "well we were on the 5th hole and SGT hit a hole in one at 550 yards and we jumped up and down laughed, then I got up and the same thing at 550 yards I jumped up and down laughed, turned around and saw Sgt. dead on the green. Well, we couldn't stop -- I was on a role! So, the rest of the day was HIT THE BALL, DRAG THE SGT ,HIT THE BALL ,DRAG the SGT.."
They left at 6 A.M. and returned at 3P.M.
One day they didn't come home at 3 P.M. and the wives started to worry.
At 6 P.M. they were still not home the wives starting making phone calls looking for there husbands.
8 P.M. the Chief comes thru the door all dirty and cut up and Phyicaly beat up. His wife asks, "my poor Chief what happened to you i was so worried?!"
The chief says, "well we were on the 5th hole and SGT hit a hole in one at 550 yards and we jumped up and down laughed, then I got up and the same thing at 550 yards I jumped up and down laughed, turned around and saw Sgt. dead on the green. Well, we couldn't stop -- I was on a role! So, the rest of the day was HIT THE BALL, DRAG THE SGT ,HIT THE BALL ,DRAG the SGT.."
- IUWG-1 JEM
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As unlikely as it seems, a Marine and a Sailor were friends and decided to go on a ski trip.
Along the way, they had car trouble and broke down by a farm on one of the coldest nights of the year. They knocked on the farm house door and a beautiful widow stood before them. The widow told them they were welcome to spend the night in the barn, but she could not allow them to stay in the house for appearance sake.
The night seemed to go uneventfully and the next morning the guys continued and finished their ski trip. Nine months later the Marine was contacted by a lawyer.
The Marine caught up to his Sailor buddy and asked him, "Hey Mack, you remember that beautiful widow we met on our ski trip"?
The Sailor replied rather sheepishly, "Yes."
The Marine said, "You didn't happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay her a visit did you?"
The Sailor again said, "Yes."
The Marine asked, "And by the way did you use my name instead of yours"?
The Sailor again said, rather red faced, "Yeah Buddy I'm sorry."
The Marine replied, "That's okay, she died and left me a million bucks!"
Along the way, they had car trouble and broke down by a farm on one of the coldest nights of the year. They knocked on the farm house door and a beautiful widow stood before them. The widow told them they were welcome to spend the night in the barn, but she could not allow them to stay in the house for appearance sake.
The night seemed to go uneventfully and the next morning the guys continued and finished their ski trip. Nine months later the Marine was contacted by a lawyer.
The Marine caught up to his Sailor buddy and asked him, "Hey Mack, you remember that beautiful widow we met on our ski trip"?
The Sailor replied rather sheepishly, "Yes."
The Marine said, "You didn't happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay her a visit did you?"
The Sailor again said, "Yes."
The Marine asked, "And by the way did you use my name instead of yours"?
The Sailor again said, rather red faced, "Yeah Buddy I'm sorry."
The Marine replied, "That's okay, she died and left me a million bucks!"
- Anderson Ware, YN1, USN RET
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After a weekend of fights in the barracks in Advanced Radio School at MCRD in 1966, our 1st Sgt. was livid!
He had all of us standing in company formation which included a platoon of Women Marines and commenced to read us a riot act.
As he concluded his chewing out he said, "Gentlemen, if this ever happens again...(and he looked at the Women Marines)...If this ever happens again...( he looked again at the ladies)...Well, if it ever happens again the defecation is going to hit the ventilation!!"
He had all of us standing in company formation which included a platoon of Women Marines and commenced to read us a riot act.
As he concluded his chewing out he said, "Gentlemen, if this ever happens again...(and he looked at the Women Marines)...If this ever happens again...( he looked again at the ladies)...Well, if it ever happens again the defecation is going to hit the ventilation!!"
- Dave Haage
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