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MILITARY JOKES
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Subject: Osama
When Osama Bin Laden was killed by the U.S. Military, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
When Osama Bin Laden was killed by the U.S. Military, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
- Joe Jennings
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During World War II, There was a cruise going to Europe and on that cruise the nightly entertainer was a "Magician".
He started with his "magic" and in the audiance there was this old "Sea Captain" with a peg leg and a green parrot on his shoulder and every time the magician would perform some magic the parrot would say,"Ah- In your pants, in your pants!"
He did another magic trick and the parrot said,"Ah-up your sleeve,Up your sleeve!"
This was getting pretty aggravating to the magician when out to sea about 500 feet a "German Submarine" was spoting the ship and sent three torpedoes out to blow it up.
Three days later the magician is holding onto a piece of flooring from the ship when the parrot comes and lands on the plank and asks, "Alright, What did you do with the ship?"
He started with his "magic" and in the audiance there was this old "Sea Captain" with a peg leg and a green parrot on his shoulder and every time the magician would perform some magic the parrot would say,"Ah- In your pants, in your pants!"
He did another magic trick and the parrot said,"Ah-up your sleeve,Up your sleeve!"
This was getting pretty aggravating to the magician when out to sea about 500 feet a "German Submarine" was spoting the ship and sent three torpedoes out to blow it up.
Three days later the magician is holding onto a piece of flooring from the ship when the parrot comes and lands on the plank and asks, "Alright, What did you do with the ship?"
- Don Abbott
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My oldest brother followed my footsteps and joined the Navy four years after I did.
After abount 7 weeks into his "boot training" at Great Lakes, I wrote him a letter and asked him: "How does it feel to be an "OLD SALT?"
His reply: "I don't know, as we do all our training in "FRESH WATER."
After abount 7 weeks into his "boot training" at Great Lakes, I wrote him a letter and asked him: "How does it feel to be an "OLD SALT?"
His reply: "I don't know, as we do all our training in "FRESH WATER."
- Beverlee A. Cheney
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An old CSM had just retired from the Army.
He dedicated his whole life to the service and knew nothing but the army...not even the touch of a woman. Upon his retirement he decided to go all out and get a hooker. So off he went he found a young attractive girl and a room.
He told her "i spent all my life in the army and im in complete control of my body. Watch he said. Attention! he called and immediatley became aroused.
The hooker looked on with amazement. At ease he said and down it went.
The hooker obviously wowed by this performance asked to see him do that again so just like be fore attention immediate arousement at ease soft again.
One last time she wanted to see before she earned her money so ATTENTION he shouted then at ease....at ease....AT EASE... still with no response he went to the corner and started to masturbate.
What are you doing the hooker yelled his reply...Dishonorable discharge
He dedicated his whole life to the service and knew nothing but the army...not even the touch of a woman. Upon his retirement he decided to go all out and get a hooker. So off he went he found a young attractive girl and a room.
He told her "i spent all my life in the army and im in complete control of my body. Watch he said. Attention! he called and immediatley became aroused.
The hooker looked on with amazement. At ease he said and down it went.
The hooker obviously wowed by this performance asked to see him do that again so just like be fore attention immediate arousement at ease soft again.
One last time she wanted to see before she earned her money so ATTENTION he shouted then at ease....at ease....AT EASE... still with no response he went to the corner and started to masturbate.
What are you doing the hooker yelled his reply...Dishonorable discharge
- David Nazzaro
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What's the the difference between a General and God?
God doesn't walk around all day thinking he is a General!!
God doesn't walk around all day thinking he is a General!!
- Bill De Byker
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A retired Army General was invited to address an assembly. The next day and he was quartered in the Bachelor Officer's Quarters for the night. He showered and was watching TV dressed in his bath robe.
Suddenly the door burst open and a a beautiful young WAAC lieutenant burst into the room. She exclaimed, "My God. I'm in the wrong room."
The general replied, "My dear, you're not in the wrong room but you are twenty years too late."
Suddenly the door burst open and a a beautiful young WAAC lieutenant burst into the room. She exclaimed, "My God. I'm in the wrong room."
The general replied, "My dear, you're not in the wrong room but you are twenty years too late."
- harold hickman
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Two retired E-8's a Chief and a SGT. played golf every day.
They left at 6 A.M. and returned at 3P.M.
One day they didn't come home at 3 P.M. and the wives started to worry.
At 6 P.M. they were still not home the wives starting making phone calls looking for there husbands.
8 P.M. the Chief comes thru the door all dirty and cut up and Phyicaly beat up. His wife asks, "my poor Chief what happened to you i was so worried?!"
The chief says, "well we were on the 5th hole and SGT hit a hole in one at 550 yards and we jumped up and down laughed, then I got up and the same thing at 550 yards I jumped up and down laughed, turned around and saw Sgt. dead on the green. Well, we couldn't stop -- I was on a role! So, the rest of the day was HIT THE BALL, DRAG THE SGT ,HIT THE BALL ,DRAG the SGT.."
They left at 6 A.M. and returned at 3P.M.
One day they didn't come home at 3 P.M. and the wives started to worry.
At 6 P.M. they were still not home the wives starting making phone calls looking for there husbands.
8 P.M. the Chief comes thru the door all dirty and cut up and Phyicaly beat up. His wife asks, "my poor Chief what happened to you i was so worried?!"
The chief says, "well we were on the 5th hole and SGT hit a hole in one at 550 yards and we jumped up and down laughed, then I got up and the same thing at 550 yards I jumped up and down laughed, turned around and saw Sgt. dead on the green. Well, we couldn't stop -- I was on a role! So, the rest of the day was HIT THE BALL, DRAG THE SGT ,HIT THE BALL ,DRAG the SGT.."
- IUWG-1 JEM
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As unlikely as it seems, a Marine and a Sailor were friends and decided to go on a ski trip.
Along the way, they had car trouble and broke down by a farm on one of the coldest nights of the year. They knocked on the farm house door and a beautiful widow stood before them. The widow told them they were welcome to spend the night in the barn, but she could not allow them to stay in the house for appearance sake.
The night seemed to go uneventfully and the next morning the guys continued and finished their ski trip. Nine months later the Marine was contacted by a lawyer.
The Marine caught up to his Sailor buddy and asked him, "Hey Mack, you remember that beautiful widow we met on our ski trip"?
The Sailor replied rather sheepishly, "Yes."
The Marine said, "You didn't happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay her a visit did you?"
The Sailor again said, "Yes."
The Marine asked, "And by the way did you use my name instead of yours"?
The Sailor again said, rather red faced, "Yeah Buddy I'm sorry."
The Marine replied, "That's okay, she died and left me a million bucks!"
Along the way, they had car trouble and broke down by a farm on one of the coldest nights of the year. They knocked on the farm house door and a beautiful widow stood before them. The widow told them they were welcome to spend the night in the barn, but she could not allow them to stay in the house for appearance sake.
The night seemed to go uneventfully and the next morning the guys continued and finished their ski trip. Nine months later the Marine was contacted by a lawyer.
The Marine caught up to his Sailor buddy and asked him, "Hey Mack, you remember that beautiful widow we met on our ski trip"?
The Sailor replied rather sheepishly, "Yes."
The Marine said, "You didn't happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay her a visit did you?"
The Sailor again said, "Yes."
The Marine asked, "And by the way did you use my name instead of yours"?
The Sailor again said, rather red faced, "Yeah Buddy I'm sorry."
The Marine replied, "That's okay, she died and left me a million bucks!"
- Anderson Ware, YN1, USN RET
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After a weekend of fights in the barracks in Advanced Radio School at MCRD in 1966, our 1st Sgt. was livid!
He had all of us standing in company formation which included a platoon of Women Marines and commenced to read us a riot act.
As he concluded his chewing out he said, "Gentlemen, if this ever happens again...(and he looked at the Women Marines)...If this ever happens again...( he looked again at the ladies)...Well, if it ever happens again the defecation is going to hit the ventilation!!"
He had all of us standing in company formation which included a platoon of Women Marines and commenced to read us a riot act.
As he concluded his chewing out he said, "Gentlemen, if this ever happens again...(and he looked at the Women Marines)...If this ever happens again...( he looked again at the ladies)...Well, if it ever happens again the defecation is going to hit the ventilation!!"
- Dave Haage
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Nov 21, 1979 I was serving as the S-4 Alpha in a Marine Corps combat uniton Okinawa.
Our S-4 had just moments before received his orders to return stateside when the phone rang and the battalion adjutant called stating the CO requested my presence ASAP. I reported and he told me that although I was just a 1st Lieutenant I was now his S-4. Then the Colonel dropped a bomb shell.
He said, "Lieutenant, the embassy in Islamabad, Pakistan has been surrounded by a mob and by presidential directive we have just been ordered in to retake it if necessary. You and the S-3 will give me a logistics and operations plan for using the Air Force Base at Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean as a forward assault and logistics support base by 16:00 hours."
At that time all the company commanders were there along with the Batallion X-O, the S-2, S-3 and myself as S-4. Everyone knew what was up and were "Gung Ho" ready to go. Still in the air there was a high degree of anticipated stress among those present.
The Colonel feeling that it would be best to open with a qustion, said, "Gentlemen, I realize you are all aware that we have a grave mission to perform, and there is very little intelligence we've received about the situation at present so we must plan accordingly, so I want to know, can anyone here tell me anything at all about Diego Garcia?"
Where upon the S-2 another young First Lieutenant broke the tension by stating: "Yes Sir, I believe that Diego Garcia is the 2nd baseman for the San Diego Padres!"
That broke the tension among the officers and they started to laugh. Even the Colonel smiled appreciating the fact that these Marines who could die while retaking an embassy under seige on foreign soil could still laugh in the face of danger. For them it was just another day in the Corps. --- And God Bless Cpl Steven Crowley USMC the Marine Security Guard who gave his life protecting the Embassy occupants until relief finally arrived. He died in the arms of a young American embassy secretary who said "He died like a Marine." --- Semper Fi
Our S-4 had just moments before received his orders to return stateside when the phone rang and the battalion adjutant called stating the CO requested my presence ASAP. I reported and he told me that although I was just a 1st Lieutenant I was now his S-4. Then the Colonel dropped a bomb shell.
He said, "Lieutenant, the embassy in Islamabad, Pakistan has been surrounded by a mob and by presidential directive we have just been ordered in to retake it if necessary. You and the S-3 will give me a logistics and operations plan for using the Air Force Base at Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean as a forward assault and logistics support base by 16:00 hours."
At that time all the company commanders were there along with the Batallion X-O, the S-2, S-3 and myself as S-4. Everyone knew what was up and were "Gung Ho" ready to go. Still in the air there was a high degree of anticipated stress among those present.
The Colonel feeling that it would be best to open with a qustion, said, "Gentlemen, I realize you are all aware that we have a grave mission to perform, and there is very little intelligence we've received about the situation at present so we must plan accordingly, so I want to know, can anyone here tell me anything at all about Diego Garcia?"
Where upon the S-2 another young First Lieutenant broke the tension by stating: "Yes Sir, I believe that Diego Garcia is the 2nd baseman for the San Diego Padres!"
That broke the tension among the officers and they started to laugh. Even the Colonel smiled appreciating the fact that these Marines who could die while retaking an embassy under seige on foreign soil could still laugh in the face of danger. For them it was just another day in the Corps. --- And God Bless Cpl Steven Crowley USMC the Marine Security Guard who gave his life protecting the Embassy occupants until relief finally arrived. He died in the arms of a young American embassy secretary who said "He died like a Marine." --- Semper Fi
- Patrick Timpone
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- Cpl. Benson
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Many years ago I worked at the dispensary on the Navy recruit base in San Diego. I usually had a crew of recruits working for me while waiting for processing for some reason.
One day, due to demands of the job, one of the recruits missed his usual time for lunch at the recruit mess hall. Since I felt sorry for him, I escorted him down the the exchange cafeteria and bought his lunch. On the walk down, he either didn't know the protocol or just forgot, but he failed to salute several officers. I mentioned it to him on the walk back to the dispensary.
He wanted to know how to tell the officers from the "regular guys"
I told him to look for gold markings on the hat.
When we approached the main post exchange, four captains were leaving the building. I said "See those four guys with gold on their hats? They are officers, so when I salute, you salute too."
He said "Ok" and watched me carefully.
When the four captains got within reasonable range, I whipped a salute on them and waited for them to return it. I saw the captains bust up laughing and out of the corner of my eye, I saw what they were laughiing at.
My recruit had been carrying a bag of potato chips in his left hand.
Normally that would not have been a problem if he had saluted properly. However, he saluted with his Left hand and when he did, the bag of potato chips broke and all those chips began floating down the front of his uniform and landing on his shoes.
His comment was "Did I do something wrong?"
One day, due to demands of the job, one of the recruits missed his usual time for lunch at the recruit mess hall. Since I felt sorry for him, I escorted him down the the exchange cafeteria and bought his lunch. On the walk down, he either didn't know the protocol or just forgot, but he failed to salute several officers. I mentioned it to him on the walk back to the dispensary.
He wanted to know how to tell the officers from the "regular guys"
I told him to look for gold markings on the hat.
When we approached the main post exchange, four captains were leaving the building. I said "See those four guys with gold on their hats? They are officers, so when I salute, you salute too."
He said "Ok" and watched me carefully.
When the four captains got within reasonable range, I whipped a salute on them and waited for them to return it. I saw the captains bust up laughing and out of the corner of my eye, I saw what they were laughiing at.
My recruit had been carrying a bag of potato chips in his left hand.
Normally that would not have been a problem if he had saluted properly. However, he saluted with his Left hand and when he did, the bag of potato chips broke and all those chips began floating down the front of his uniform and landing on his shoes.
His comment was "Did I do something wrong?"
- Mike Richards
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The Tennesee hillbilly joined the army and went to war.
The Sergent addressing the men before battle said, "We are outnumbered 3 to 1 in this battle so do your best."
Well the battle is raging and the Sergent comes upon the hillbilly resting under a tree and says, "what are you doing here the battle is still going on"
The hillbilly answers "I got my 3 sarge."
The Sergent addressing the men before battle said, "We are outnumbered 3 to 1 in this battle so do your best."
Well the battle is raging and the Sergent comes upon the hillbilly resting under a tree and says, "what are you doing here the battle is still going on"
The hillbilly answers "I got my 3 sarge."
- john
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The Retired Colonel had four young sons and every morning he'd line them up at attention and gave them orders.
One morning after he was through he asked if their were any questions. Little Johnny raised his hand.
The colonel asked "What's your question?"
And Johnny answered, "How do I get out of this chicken shit outfit?"
One morning after he was through he asked if their were any questions. Little Johnny raised his hand.
The colonel asked "What's your question?"
And Johnny answered, "How do I get out of this chicken shit outfit?"
- Abe Pena
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In WWII my name was Elizabeth Adams. I was the first one to get shots.
When I came out I acted like it was terrible so they had a hard time getting the others to get their shots.
When I came out I acted like it was terrible so they had a hard time getting the others to get their shots.
- Elizabeth Pandolfo
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