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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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A man was talking to St.Peter trying to get into heaven St. Peter told him it was very hard to get into heaven and asked the man if has done any good deeds. the man said yes and told St Peter that one time he saw some big bikers harassing an old lady. When he asked them to stop they just laughed and continued on . He said he walked over to where their choppers were parked and knocked them over so they would leave her alone and go after him. St. Peter said my my that was a very good deed. When did this happened he asked. The man said" OH ABOUT 2 SECONDS AGO!!!
- Gilbert Gonzalez
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The old Chief Petty Officer climbed the gangway and saluted the Officer Of The Day. As was required, in those days, He reported with Rank, Specialty and name.
"Chief Kooshmaker Jones reporting sir. " he said with a salute.
The young officer thought to himself, what is a Kooshmaker. Not wishing to be thought stupid, he answered, "Welcome aboard Chief. I want you to meet the exec officer. "
He thought to himself, the exec would certainly know and off they went to the exec's quarters. "Commander" the young officer said to the exec, "Chief Kooshmaker Jones has just reported. . "
The exec was puzzled but it seemed the young officer knew what a kooshmaker was and not wishing to admit it he replied"Welcome Chief. You must meet the Captain. " The entourage proceeded up to the bridge and the exec presented Chief Kooshmaker Jones. The Captain, like the others, was baffled but he did not reach his position by being dense, so he remarked "Welcome Chief. You tell us what you need in shop size and equipment and the Shops Officer will provide it. Now next saturday we are having an inspection on deck and you can demostrate the first product from your shop. "
The Chief set out and obtained the shop, ordered material, locked the doors and went to hammering and welding.
Saturday arrived and the product was on a tripod. It consisted of tubing and cylinders and the odd thing was that it was white hot.
"Men'" the Captain announced, "This is the first product from the Kooshmaker shop. Chief would you mind demostrating how it works. "
"Gladly. " said the Chief as he picked up a huge pair of tongs and locked them around the object. He picked it up and staggered to the rail, then released the tongs. As the object struck the water it went. KOOOOSH
"Chief Kooshmaker Jones reporting sir. " he said with a salute.
The young officer thought to himself, what is a Kooshmaker. Not wishing to be thought stupid, he answered, "Welcome aboard Chief. I want you to meet the exec officer. "
He thought to himself, the exec would certainly know and off they went to the exec's quarters. "Commander" the young officer said to the exec, "Chief Kooshmaker Jones has just reported. . "
The exec was puzzled but it seemed the young officer knew what a kooshmaker was and not wishing to admit it he replied"Welcome Chief. You must meet the Captain. " The entourage proceeded up to the bridge and the exec presented Chief Kooshmaker Jones. The Captain, like the others, was baffled but he did not reach his position by being dense, so he remarked "Welcome Chief. You tell us what you need in shop size and equipment and the Shops Officer will provide it. Now next saturday we are having an inspection on deck and you can demostrate the first product from your shop. "
The Chief set out and obtained the shop, ordered material, locked the doors and went to hammering and welding.
Saturday arrived and the product was on a tripod. It consisted of tubing and cylinders and the odd thing was that it was white hot.
"Men'" the Captain announced, "This is the first product from the Kooshmaker shop. Chief would you mind demostrating how it works. "
"Gladly. " said the Chief as he picked up a huge pair of tongs and locked them around the object. He picked it up and staggered to the rail, then released the tongs. As the object struck the water it went. KOOOOSH
- Harry Cannaday
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There was a millitary accident in Washington D.C. today!
A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two cornells
A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two cornells
- Raindancer
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What do you call a Sailor mixing morter in a wheelbarrel with a pitchfork?
They call hi a Morter Forker HA HA
They call hi a Morter Forker HA HA
- jerry bullock
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There was once a religious man who was very fond
of God.
One day there was a giant flood and an Army Ranger came to rescue him saying, "sir,please come with me or you will surely drown".
The man replied,"no, I believe in God and i know that HE will rescue me."
As the water got much deeper,a U.S. Marine chopper flew over and a Marine yelled to him, "jump on or you will drown."
Again the man replied, "no, I believe in God and I know HE will rescue me."
Soon the water was up to his nose and a Navy Seal came on a boat and said, "jump in or else!"
Again the man said, "no, I believe in God and i know HE will rescue me."
Finally, an Air Force jet appeared and over the loud roar a voice said, "sir, if you don't grab on to our rope,YOU WILL DROWN!
Sure enough,the man drowns. As he get's to the pearly gates of heaven he sees God and say's, "what happened? I am a very devoted person towards you and YOU let me drown? Why didn't you save me?!"
And God replied, "You idiot! I did try to save you! I sent the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines! How do you think they found you? An act of God, perhaps?"
One day there was a giant flood and an Army Ranger came to rescue him saying, "sir,please come with me or you will surely drown".
The man replied,"no, I believe in God and i know that HE will rescue me."
As the water got much deeper,a U.S. Marine chopper flew over and a Marine yelled to him, "jump on or you will drown."
Again the man replied, "no, I believe in God and I know HE will rescue me."
Soon the water was up to his nose and a Navy Seal came on a boat and said, "jump in or else!"
Again the man said, "no, I believe in God and i know HE will rescue me."
Finally, an Air Force jet appeared and over the loud roar a voice said, "sir, if you don't grab on to our rope,YOU WILL DROWN!
Sure enough,the man drowns. As he get's to the pearly gates of heaven he sees God and say's, "what happened? I am a very devoted person towards you and YOU let me drown? Why didn't you save me?!"
And God replied, "You idiot! I did try to save you! I sent the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines! How do you think they found you? An act of God, perhaps?"
- joseph lira
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A full Colonel with the IG team was inspecting a fighter group at Paine Field, Washington in the early 60's. He was walking near the base exchange when a young Airman walked by and failed to salute.
The Colonel stopped the young man and asked him if he had just saluted him.
The young Airman replied "No sir, must have been someone else."
The Colonel stopped the young man and asked him if he had just saluted him.
The young Airman replied "No sir, must have been someone else."
- George J Gallagher, Lt col, USAF ret
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Two Army 2nd Lts in North Carolina were going into the Training Area at night and were arguing about distances.
One said, "OK, Smarty, which is closer, Florida or the Moon?"
The second one said, "DUH? The moon is closer. You can't see Florida!"
One said, "OK, Smarty, which is closer, Florida or the Moon?"
The second one said, "DUH? The moon is closer. You can't see Florida!"
- Curtis Thames
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Just joined the Army, 18yrs old and somewhat dumb. The doctor is doing my physical and asks if I have athletes feet. I tell him I can run pretty fast.
- John Simpson
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Stopping over in Hawaii enroute to an assignment in Korea, I noted the civilian men leaving the plane were all given leis by native women at the airport, but no soldiers got one.
My girlfriend was mortified when I called her while awaiting a flight out to Korea and said: "For some reason soldiers coming to Hawaii can't get leid."
My girlfriend was mortified when I called her while awaiting a flight out to Korea and said: "For some reason soldiers coming to Hawaii can't get leid."
- A. Roble
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A new ensign was standing bridge watch when a message was received from the Red Cross office. Seaman Jones's mother had passed away and the officer of the deck needed to inform the poor fellow of the tragedy.
The ensign picked up the 1MC microphone and made a ship wide announcement, "Attention all hands, attention all hands, seaman Jones your mother is dead, that is all."
The captain hearing this ran to the bridge and chastised the young ensign, "you don't tell someone news like that over the loud speaker, you should be more sensitive, do it in a round about manor."
The ensign said that he understood and that he would do better in the future. As it happens the ensign was again on duty as the officer of the deck when a message was received that Seaman Smith's mother had passed away. The ensign, remembering the dressing down he had received from the skipper, ask the boatswain to find out the department that Seaman Smith was assigned to.
"2nd division, sir," said the boatswain.
The ensign then got on the 1MC and made this announcement "Attention all hands, attention all hands second division is to fall out and muster on the fantail, that is all"
The ensign went to the muster and remembering that he was to inform the poor sailor in a round about way addressed the division, "Everyone whose mother is still living take one step forward, Not so fast Smith!"
The ensign picked up the 1MC microphone and made a ship wide announcement, "Attention all hands, attention all hands, seaman Jones your mother is dead, that is all."
The captain hearing this ran to the bridge and chastised the young ensign, "you don't tell someone news like that over the loud speaker, you should be more sensitive, do it in a round about manor."
The ensign said that he understood and that he would do better in the future. As it happens the ensign was again on duty as the officer of the deck when a message was received that Seaman Smith's mother had passed away. The ensign, remembering the dressing down he had received from the skipper, ask the boatswain to find out the department that Seaman Smith was assigned to.
"2nd division, sir," said the boatswain.
The ensign then got on the 1MC and made this announcement "Attention all hands, attention all hands second division is to fall out and muster on the fantail, that is all"
The ensign went to the muster and remembering that he was to inform the poor sailor in a round about way addressed the division, "Everyone whose mother is still living take one step forward, Not so fast Smith!"
- jim jones
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Anonther Herman James joke: Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a mountain man was drafted by the Army.
Upon his first leave from training, he enters a brothel and meets with a woman. After about 5 minutes, the woman flees out of their room and down to the manager, crying, "He don't know the first thing about women!"
So, the manager takes Private Herman aside and says, "Herm, why don't you go into the forest, find a tree with a knot hole in it and practice there. Then come back in about 4 weeks and we'll set you up."
So, time passes by and Herm returns. The manager hooks him up with a woman and off they go. After about 5 minutes there's a ruckus comming from the room with screaming and banging around. The manager and the bouncers run upstairs, burst into the room and see Private Herm standing over the beaten body of the woman with a bed post in his hand.
The manager yells at him, "You dumb S.O.B., what the hell did you do?!"
Private Herm looks at the manager and calmly replies, "Just checking for bees."
Upon his first leave from training, he enters a brothel and meets with a woman. After about 5 minutes, the woman flees out of their room and down to the manager, crying, "He don't know the first thing about women!"
So, the manager takes Private Herman aside and says, "Herm, why don't you go into the forest, find a tree with a knot hole in it and practice there. Then come back in about 4 weeks and we'll set you up."
So, time passes by and Herm returns. The manager hooks him up with a woman and off they go. After about 5 minutes there's a ruckus comming from the room with screaming and banging around. The manager and the bouncers run upstairs, burst into the room and see Private Herm standing over the beaten body of the woman with a bed post in his hand.
The manager yells at him, "You dumb S.O.B., what the hell did you do?!"
Private Herm looks at the manager and calmly replies, "Just checking for bees."
- Roy Fitz
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What's the difference between and jet engine and a Marine pilot?
The jet engine quites whinning at the end of the flight.
- anonymous
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Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
- Michael Schuttenberg
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An Old Irish Sgt. went into a bar sat down at the talble and ordered 3 scotch. The bar tender brought them over watched the Sgt. sit and drink all 3 drinks.
Few minutes later the Sgt. ordered 3 more scotch. the bar tender brought them over but puzzled about why the sgt. order 3 at the same time asked the sgt. why do you order all 3 drinks at the same time.
Well you I have 2 brothers and when Ileft ireland we primises each other that when we had a drikn we would have one for each of us.
Coulpe of week went by and the sgt came in sat down ordered 2 scotch. the bar tender brought them over. watch the sgt. drink the 2 then order 2 more.
So the bar tender thought one of the brother must have died. He bring the 2 drinks over and says to the sgt. sorry to hear about your brother dying. The sgt. says OH! No! neither of them died. Then why are you only ordering 2 drinks now. the sgt. well you see my wife made me start going to AA and I promised I would stop drinking. However, my 2 brother sill drink.!!!!
- Brenda King
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A retired Army general visited a military post for a few days and on the first day of his visit he was assigned a room number. He undressed to take a shower an at that moment a young Army nurse burst through the door.
She exclaimed, "My God. I'm in the wrong room."
The general replied, "No honey, you are in the right room but you are thirty years too late."
She exclaimed, "My God. I'm in the wrong room."
The general replied, "No honey, you are in the right room but you are thirty years too late."
- lHHICKMAN@ATMC.NET
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