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MILITARY JOKES
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Stopping over in Hawaii enroute to an assignment in Korea, I noted the civilian men leaving the plane were all given leis by native women at the airport, but no soldiers got one.
My girlfriend was mortified when I called her while awaiting a flight out to Korea and said: "For some reason soldiers coming to Hawaii can't get leid."
My girlfriend was mortified when I called her while awaiting a flight out to Korea and said: "For some reason soldiers coming to Hawaii can't get leid."
- A. Roble
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A new ensign was standing bridge watch when a message was received from the Red Cross office. Seaman Jones's mother had passed away and the officer of the deck needed to inform the poor fellow of the tragedy.
The ensign picked up the 1MC microphone and made a ship wide announcement, "Attention all hands, attention all hands, seaman Jones your mother is dead, that is all."
The captain hearing this ran to the bridge and chastised the young ensign, "you don't tell someone news like that over the loud speaker, you should be more sensitive, do it in a round about manor."
The ensign said that he understood and that he would do better in the future. As it happens the ensign was again on duty as the officer of the deck when a message was received that Seaman Smith's mother had passed away. The ensign, remembering the dressing down he had received from the skipper, ask the boatswain to find out the department that Seaman Smith was assigned to.
"2nd division, sir," said the boatswain.
The ensign then got on the 1MC and made this announcement "Attention all hands, attention all hands second division is to fall out and muster on the fantail, that is all"
The ensign went to the muster and remembering that he was to inform the poor sailor in a round about way addressed the division, "Everyone whose mother is still living take one step forward, Not so fast Smith!"
The ensign picked up the 1MC microphone and made a ship wide announcement, "Attention all hands, attention all hands, seaman Jones your mother is dead, that is all."
The captain hearing this ran to the bridge and chastised the young ensign, "you don't tell someone news like that over the loud speaker, you should be more sensitive, do it in a round about manor."
The ensign said that he understood and that he would do better in the future. As it happens the ensign was again on duty as the officer of the deck when a message was received that Seaman Smith's mother had passed away. The ensign, remembering the dressing down he had received from the skipper, ask the boatswain to find out the department that Seaman Smith was assigned to.
"2nd division, sir," said the boatswain.
The ensign then got on the 1MC and made this announcement "Attention all hands, attention all hands second division is to fall out and muster on the fantail, that is all"
The ensign went to the muster and remembering that he was to inform the poor sailor in a round about way addressed the division, "Everyone whose mother is still living take one step forward, Not so fast Smith!"
- jim jones
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Anonther Herman James joke: Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a mountain man was drafted by the Army.
Upon his first leave from training, he enters a brothel and meets with a woman. After about 5 minutes, the woman flees out of their room and down to the manager, crying, "He don't know the first thing about women!"
So, the manager takes Private Herman aside and says, "Herm, why don't you go into the forest, find a tree with a knot hole in it and practice there. Then come back in about 4 weeks and we'll set you up."
So, time passes by and Herm returns. The manager hooks him up with a woman and off they go. After about 5 minutes there's a ruckus comming from the room with screaming and banging around. The manager and the bouncers run upstairs, burst into the room and see Private Herm standing over the beaten body of the woman with a bed post in his hand.
The manager yells at him, "You dumb S.O.B., what the hell did you do?!"
Private Herm looks at the manager and calmly replies, "Just checking for bees."
Upon his first leave from training, he enters a brothel and meets with a woman. After about 5 minutes, the woman flees out of their room and down to the manager, crying, "He don't know the first thing about women!"
So, the manager takes Private Herman aside and says, "Herm, why don't you go into the forest, find a tree with a knot hole in it and practice there. Then come back in about 4 weeks and we'll set you up."
So, time passes by and Herm returns. The manager hooks him up with a woman and off they go. After about 5 minutes there's a ruckus comming from the room with screaming and banging around. The manager and the bouncers run upstairs, burst into the room and see Private Herm standing over the beaten body of the woman with a bed post in his hand.
The manager yells at him, "You dumb S.O.B., what the hell did you do?!"
Private Herm looks at the manager and calmly replies, "Just checking for bees."
- Roy Fitz
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What's the difference between and jet engine and a Marine pilot?
The jet engine quites whinning at the end of the flight.
- anonymous
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Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch.
Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into battle first?"
- Michael Schuttenberg
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An Old Irish Sgt. went into a bar sat down at the talble and ordered 3 scotch. The bar tender brought them over watched the Sgt. sit and drink all 3 drinks.
Few minutes later the Sgt. ordered 3 more scotch. the bar tender brought them over but puzzled about why the sgt. order 3 at the same time asked the sgt. why do you order all 3 drinks at the same time.
Well you I have 2 brothers and when Ileft ireland we primises each other that when we had a drikn we would have one for each of us.
Coulpe of week went by and the sgt came in sat down ordered 2 scotch. the bar tender brought them over. watch the sgt. drink the 2 then order 2 more.
So the bar tender thought one of the brother must have died. He bring the 2 drinks over and says to the sgt. sorry to hear about your brother dying. The sgt. says OH! No! neither of them died. Then why are you only ordering 2 drinks now. the sgt. well you see my wife made me start going to AA and I promised I would stop drinking. However, my 2 brother sill drink.!!!!
- Brenda King
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A retired Army general visited a military post for a few days and on the first day of his visit he was assigned a room number. He undressed to take a shower an at that moment a young Army nurse burst through the door.
She exclaimed, "My God. I'm in the wrong room."
The general replied, "No honey, you are in the right room but you are thirty years too late."
She exclaimed, "My God. I'm in the wrong room."
The general replied, "No honey, you are in the right room but you are thirty years too late."
- lHHICKMAN@ATMC.NET
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A Sailor was in the hospital with an infection.
Two of his buddies were visiting when the Young, pretty nurse came into the room with a cup for a urine sample.
After she left, one of his buddies said, "let's play a joke on her."
He took out a bottle of hard cider he had brought and filled the cup.
The nurse came in & after looking at the sample, said "This looks a little light."
The sailor grabbed the cup & said, "lets recycle it again." With that, he gulped the sample down.
The nurse fainted.
Two of his buddies were visiting when the Young, pretty nurse came into the room with a cup for a urine sample.
After she left, one of his buddies said, "let's play a joke on her."
He took out a bottle of hard cider he had brought and filled the cup.
The nurse came in & after looking at the sample, said "This looks a little light."
The sailor grabbed the cup & said, "lets recycle it again." With that, he gulped the sample down.
The nurse fainted.
- Mike B.
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Three old veterans are out for a walk: First one says "Windy, isn't it? 2nd. says "Thursday, I think." 3rd. says, "I'm thristy too, lets stop and get something to drink.
- Serafin Maskill
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Hillbilly Enlistee
West Virginia Hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army. On his first day as an enlisted man, he was issued a comb. The following day the Army barber sheared off all of his hair.
On the third day the army issued him a tooth brush. On the fourth day the army dentist yanked sseveral of his teeth out.
On the firth day he was issued a jock strap... that afternoon Herman went AWOL.
Hillbilly, SFC, retired
- anonymous
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During the Middle Ages, the equivalent of a first sergeant was facing his troops who were lined up in ranks in good order.
"Men, he said, "I need three volunteers, two enlisted men and an officer for a very dangerous mission."
No one moved.
The man then asked, "Have any of you ever had any guerilla experience?"
A big, dumb-looking dolt shuffled forward and replied, "Duh, I worked in a zoo once."
"Great!" the NCO announced, "Now we need two enlisted men."
"Men, he said, "I need three volunteers, two enlisted men and an officer for a very dangerous mission."
No one moved.
The man then asked, "Have any of you ever had any guerilla experience?"
A big, dumb-looking dolt shuffled forward and replied, "Duh, I worked in a zoo once."
"Great!" the NCO announced, "Now we need two enlisted men."
- Tom Mills
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A Marine walked into an army bar, with a pair of jumper cables around his neck, he asked the bartender "if he could sit here and wait on his bubbies", the bartender sais "yes, but dont try to start anything".
- steve differ
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The Fence Jumper
When the Air Base, in Aviano, Italy, first opened, none of the first group of Air Force personnel stationed there, at that time, could understand or speak much, if any, Italian. Some of the guys picked up some words, but couldn't really hold a conversation or ask a question in Italian with a complete sentence.
The U.S. Government was leasing the property of the military installation, so it was off limits to civilians that were not authorized to be on base. Shortly after the Base was considered fully operational, the Air Police caught an Italian civilian jumping over the stone fence that surrounded the base.
The Air Police took the Italian civilian into the Air Police Station for questioning. The only problem was; no one at the Air Police Station could speak or understand Italian.
The sergeant in charge decided to step outside of the building to see if he could find someone nearby that could communicate with the Italian that jumped the fence.
The sergeant approached a young airman that he knew for a fact had been stationed at the base since it first opened. The sergeant asked the young airman if he had learned very much Italian since he arrived there. The young airman, wanting to be helpful, said; 'Yes, I can speak some Italian'.
The sergeant asked the young airman to come inside the Air Police Station to assist in questioning the Italian that jumped the fence.
He told the young airman: Ask the Italian: 'Why did you jump the fence'
The extent of the airman's questioning of the Italian was as follows:
'Porque you jump the fence'"
Note: Apparently, the airman knew only a few words of Italian. The word 'Porque', pronounced 'poor-kay' has two meanings: 'why' and 'because'. It depends on how the word is used as to what it means.
When the Air Base, in Aviano, Italy, first opened, none of the first group of Air Force personnel stationed there, at that time, could understand or speak much, if any, Italian. Some of the guys picked up some words, but couldn't really hold a conversation or ask a question in Italian with a complete sentence.
The U.S. Government was leasing the property of the military installation, so it was off limits to civilians that were not authorized to be on base. Shortly after the Base was considered fully operational, the Air Police caught an Italian civilian jumping over the stone fence that surrounded the base.
The Air Police took the Italian civilian into the Air Police Station for questioning. The only problem was; no one at the Air Police Station could speak or understand Italian.
The sergeant in charge decided to step outside of the building to see if he could find someone nearby that could communicate with the Italian that jumped the fence.
The sergeant approached a young airman that he knew for a fact had been stationed at the base since it first opened. The sergeant asked the young airman if he had learned very much Italian since he arrived there. The young airman, wanting to be helpful, said; 'Yes, I can speak some Italian'.
The sergeant asked the young airman to come inside the Air Police Station to assist in questioning the Italian that jumped the fence.
He told the young airman: Ask the Italian: 'Why did you jump the fence'
The extent of the airman's questioning of the Italian was as follows:
'Porque you jump the fence'"
Note: Apparently, the airman knew only a few words of Italian. The word 'Porque', pronounced 'poor-kay' has two meanings: 'why' and 'because'. It depends on how the word is used as to what it means.
- Anthony J. (Tony) Gagliano, Sr.
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During WWII a seemingly inept private spent most of the day running around the grounds picking up pieces of paper. Then each time he would shake his head and say,"NO that's not it!"
Section 8 began watching and eventually decided to relieve him of duty and discharge him. When they handed him the document he exclaimed,"That's it!"
Section 8 began watching and eventually decided to relieve him of duty and discharge him. When they handed him the document he exclaimed,"That's it!"
- bette servos
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True Story!
While in the Navy and attending Radio School in San Diego in 1960, everyone was required to stand a Base Commander's inspection. All hands were on deck on the huge "grinder"standing at parade rest until the Inspection Party arrive at units--one by one--who would smartly snap to attention and then suffer the absurd questioning of the "boot" Ensign who took great pleasure in harassing the troops in this manner! I am sure that every man felt like I did - He was the idiot!
As he came to our unit; we stood tall and as he stopped directly in front of me (a Seaman Apprentice)he glared and asked, "Sailor, what would you do if you saw an enemy submarine coming across that grinder?"
I thought the question was silly and responded so all around could hear, "Sir, I would get a torpedo and sink it!"
He sneered and sarcastically asked, "Just where would you get that torpedo?"
I answered loudly, "The SAME place you got that submarine, Sir!"
You should have heard the muffled laughter and seen the Ensign's face!!!
He asked no more questions that day!
As the Base Commander (4 Striper) passed me--he looked me directly in the eye and gave me a big wink! He could not contain his laughter!! Hooray for the little ol' enlisted man that day!
While in the Navy and attending Radio School in San Diego in 1960, everyone was required to stand a Base Commander's inspection. All hands were on deck on the huge "grinder"standing at parade rest until the Inspection Party arrive at units--one by one--who would smartly snap to attention and then suffer the absurd questioning of the "boot" Ensign who took great pleasure in harassing the troops in this manner! I am sure that every man felt like I did - He was the idiot!
As he came to our unit; we stood tall and as he stopped directly in front of me (a Seaman Apprentice)he glared and asked, "Sailor, what would you do if you saw an enemy submarine coming across that grinder?"
I thought the question was silly and responded so all around could hear, "Sir, I would get a torpedo and sink it!"
He sneered and sarcastically asked, "Just where would you get that torpedo?"
I answered loudly, "The SAME place you got that submarine, Sir!"
You should have heard the muffled laughter and seen the Ensign's face!!!
He asked no more questions that day!
As the Base Commander (4 Striper) passed me--he looked me directly in the eye and gave me a big wink! He could not contain his laughter!! Hooray for the little ol' enlisted man that day!
- Fred Elam
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