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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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Three old veterans are out for a walk: First one says "Windy, isn't it? 2nd. says "Thursday, I think." 3rd. says, "I'm thristy too, lets stop and get something to drink.
- Serafin Maskill
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Hillbilly Enlistee
West Virginia Hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army. On his first day as an enlisted man, he was issued a comb. The following day the Army barber sheared off all of his hair.
On the third day the army issued him a tooth brush. On the fourth day the army dentist yanked sseveral of his teeth out.
On the firth day he was issued a jock strap... that afternoon Herman went AWOL.
Hillbilly, SFC, retired
- anonymous
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During the Middle Ages, the equivalent of a first sergeant was facing his troops who were lined up in ranks in good order.
"Men, he said, "I need three volunteers, two enlisted men and an officer for a very dangerous mission."
No one moved.
The man then asked, "Have any of you ever had any guerilla experience?"
A big, dumb-looking dolt shuffled forward and replied, "Duh, I worked in a zoo once."
"Great!" the NCO announced, "Now we need two enlisted men."
"Men, he said, "I need three volunteers, two enlisted men and an officer for a very dangerous mission."
No one moved.
The man then asked, "Have any of you ever had any guerilla experience?"
A big, dumb-looking dolt shuffled forward and replied, "Duh, I worked in a zoo once."
"Great!" the NCO announced, "Now we need two enlisted men."
- Tom Mills
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A Marine walked into an army bar, with a pair of jumper cables around his neck, he asked the bartender "if he could sit here and wait on his bubbies", the bartender sais "yes, but dont try to start anything".
- steve differ
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The Fence Jumper
When the Air Base, in Aviano, Italy, first opened, none of the first group of Air Force personnel stationed there, at that time, could understand or speak much, if any, Italian. Some of the guys picked up some words, but couldn't really hold a conversation or ask a question in Italian with a complete sentence.
The U.S. Government was leasing the property of the military installation, so it was off limits to civilians that were not authorized to be on base. Shortly after the Base was considered fully operational, the Air Police caught an Italian civilian jumping over the stone fence that surrounded the base.
The Air Police took the Italian civilian into the Air Police Station for questioning. The only problem was; no one at the Air Police Station could speak or understand Italian.
The sergeant in charge decided to step outside of the building to see if he could find someone nearby that could communicate with the Italian that jumped the fence.
The sergeant approached a young airman that he knew for a fact had been stationed at the base since it first opened. The sergeant asked the young airman if he had learned very much Italian since he arrived there. The young airman, wanting to be helpful, said; 'Yes, I can speak some Italian'.
The sergeant asked the young airman to come inside the Air Police Station to assist in questioning the Italian that jumped the fence.
He told the young airman: Ask the Italian: 'Why did you jump the fence'
The extent of the airman's questioning of the Italian was as follows:
'Porque you jump the fence'"
Note: Apparently, the airman knew only a few words of Italian. The word 'Porque', pronounced 'poor-kay' has two meanings: 'why' and 'because'. It depends on how the word is used as to what it means.
When the Air Base, in Aviano, Italy, first opened, none of the first group of Air Force personnel stationed there, at that time, could understand or speak much, if any, Italian. Some of the guys picked up some words, but couldn't really hold a conversation or ask a question in Italian with a complete sentence.
The U.S. Government was leasing the property of the military installation, so it was off limits to civilians that were not authorized to be on base. Shortly after the Base was considered fully operational, the Air Police caught an Italian civilian jumping over the stone fence that surrounded the base.
The Air Police took the Italian civilian into the Air Police Station for questioning. The only problem was; no one at the Air Police Station could speak or understand Italian.
The sergeant in charge decided to step outside of the building to see if he could find someone nearby that could communicate with the Italian that jumped the fence.
The sergeant approached a young airman that he knew for a fact had been stationed at the base since it first opened. The sergeant asked the young airman if he had learned very much Italian since he arrived there. The young airman, wanting to be helpful, said; 'Yes, I can speak some Italian'.
The sergeant asked the young airman to come inside the Air Police Station to assist in questioning the Italian that jumped the fence.
He told the young airman: Ask the Italian: 'Why did you jump the fence'
The extent of the airman's questioning of the Italian was as follows:
'Porque you jump the fence'"
Note: Apparently, the airman knew only a few words of Italian. The word 'Porque', pronounced 'poor-kay' has two meanings: 'why' and 'because'. It depends on how the word is used as to what it means.
- Anthony J. (Tony) Gagliano, Sr.
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During WWII a seemingly inept private spent most of the day running around the grounds picking up pieces of paper. Then each time he would shake his head and say,"NO that's not it!"
Section 8 began watching and eventually decided to relieve him of duty and discharge him. When they handed him the document he exclaimed,"That's it!"
Section 8 began watching and eventually decided to relieve him of duty and discharge him. When they handed him the document he exclaimed,"That's it!"
- bette servos
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True Story!
While in the Navy and attending Radio School in San Diego in 1960, everyone was required to stand a Base Commander's inspection. All hands were on deck on the huge "grinder"standing at parade rest until the Inspection Party arrive at units--one by one--who would smartly snap to attention and then suffer the absurd questioning of the "boot" Ensign who took great pleasure in harassing the troops in this manner! I am sure that every man felt like I did - He was the idiot!
As he came to our unit; we stood tall and as he stopped directly in front of me (a Seaman Apprentice)he glared and asked, "Sailor, what would you do if you saw an enemy submarine coming across that grinder?"
I thought the question was silly and responded so all around could hear, "Sir, I would get a torpedo and sink it!"
He sneered and sarcastically asked, "Just where would you get that torpedo?"
I answered loudly, "The SAME place you got that submarine, Sir!"
You should have heard the muffled laughter and seen the Ensign's face!!!
He asked no more questions that day!
As the Base Commander (4 Striper) passed me--he looked me directly in the eye and gave me a big wink! He could not contain his laughter!! Hooray for the little ol' enlisted man that day!
While in the Navy and attending Radio School in San Diego in 1960, everyone was required to stand a Base Commander's inspection. All hands were on deck on the huge "grinder"standing at parade rest until the Inspection Party arrive at units--one by one--who would smartly snap to attention and then suffer the absurd questioning of the "boot" Ensign who took great pleasure in harassing the troops in this manner! I am sure that every man felt like I did - He was the idiot!
As he came to our unit; we stood tall and as he stopped directly in front of me (a Seaman Apprentice)he glared and asked, "Sailor, what would you do if you saw an enemy submarine coming across that grinder?"
I thought the question was silly and responded so all around could hear, "Sir, I would get a torpedo and sink it!"
He sneered and sarcastically asked, "Just where would you get that torpedo?"
I answered loudly, "The SAME place you got that submarine, Sir!"
You should have heard the muffled laughter and seen the Ensign's face!!!
He asked no more questions that day!
As the Base Commander (4 Striper) passed me--he looked me directly in the eye and gave me a big wink! He could not contain his laughter!! Hooray for the little ol' enlisted man that day!
- Fred Elam
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During the latter part of WWII in Europe, two G.I.s were fumbling for cigarettes when they discovered that they had no matches. One of the guys looked over and saw a solitary figure huddled in an army greatcoat, so he went over to the guy and loudly said, "Hey, Mac...ya gotta light?"
The man produced a ronson and soon the G.I. was back ready to light his buddy's smoke.
The second guy, instead of happily lighting up jumped all over his pal.
"Whadda ya mean going over to that guy and asking him for a light? Didn't ya recognize him you moron? That was General Patton...and you sayin' 'hey, mac ya gotta light? You could be busted to buck private for that and pull KP into the next century!"
The guy, chagrined, rushed over to Patton and apologized profusely for his error in failing to recognize the great General.
Patton drawled, "That's alright, son, just don't ever do it to a second lieutenant."
The second guy, instead of happily lighting up jumped all over his pal.
"Whadda ya mean going over to that guy and asking him for a light? Didn't ya recognize him you moron? That was General Patton...and you sayin' 'hey, mac ya gotta light? You could be busted to buck private for that and pull KP into the next century!"
The guy, chagrined, rushed over to Patton and apologized profusely for his error in failing to recognize the great General.
Patton drawled, "That's alright, son, just don't ever do it to a second lieutenant."
- Tom Mills
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Sergeant Wilson was recuperating from an operation in room 302.
The nurse in his ward received a phone call asking after his condition and how the operation went.
She answered that it went well, they were out of the O.R. two hours ago, and he was resting now, with full recovery expected in a day or two when he would be released.
The caller thanked the nurse, and just as she was ready to hang up, she said that she assumed that the caller was a close friend or a relative; could the caller identify himself?
The caller said "Yes, This is Sergeant Wilson in room 302, and NOBODY ever tells me ANYTHING!"
The nurse in his ward received a phone call asking after his condition and how the operation went.
She answered that it went well, they were out of the O.R. two hours ago, and he was resting now, with full recovery expected in a day or two when he would be released.
The caller thanked the nurse, and just as she was ready to hang up, she said that she assumed that the caller was a close friend or a relative; could the caller identify himself?
The caller said "Yes, This is Sergeant Wilson in room 302, and NOBODY ever tells me ANYTHING!"
- Lyle Starkweather
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4 guys in heaven were arguing one day, and St. Peter asked what they were arguing about.
One responded, "we were arguing about what branch of the service was best."St. Peter said he would pose the question to God, and God would publish a memo in about a week. A while later a memo arrived. It said memo from the Almighty One. The text of the memo said that he had been asked what service branch was the best. God replied as follows. All branches of service served with dignity and honor. All members of all of the services served with dignity and honor. All branches of service are held in high esteem. The memo was signed "God, USAF Retired."
One responded, "we were arguing about what branch of the service was best."St. Peter said he would pose the question to God, and God would publish a memo in about a week. A while later a memo arrived. It said memo from the Almighty One. The text of the memo said that he had been asked what service branch was the best. God replied as follows. All branches of service served with dignity and honor. All members of all of the services served with dignity and honor. All branches of service are held in high esteem. The memo was signed "God, USAF Retired."
- Sgt. Paul Yocom
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Thieves broke into the police station one night,and stole all the toilets. Nobody saw them,and they left no clues whatsoever. A police spokesman said,"We don't have anything to go on."
- John Quest USAR ret.
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A retired veteran had arthritis so bad that he had to retire to a nursing home. There he was still moving with difficulty, the facility manager, spoke with his nurse about a new theraphy.
He instructed the nurse to secretely pour a shot of irish whiskey in his milk before he took breakfast. It worked -- the vet was moving like a man of 20.
A few years later he got deathly ill, though, and he asked the nurse to bring the manager. She did, and the manager asked, "What can i do to help?"
The veteran whispered in his ear and then passed away. The nurse asked the manager what the vet's last words were?
The manager replied, "he said whatever we do, don't sell our cow!"
He instructed the nurse to secretely pour a shot of irish whiskey in his milk before he took breakfast. It worked -- the vet was moving like a man of 20.
A few years later he got deathly ill, though, and he asked the nurse to bring the manager. She did, and the manager asked, "What can i do to help?"
The veteran whispered in his ear and then passed away. The nurse asked the manager what the vet's last words were?
The manager replied, "he said whatever we do, don't sell our cow!"
- jim
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Saddam was marching his troops in the desert when they stopped to rest. From the other side of the sand dune Saddam heard a voice, strong and defiant, yelling, "One U.S. Marine is better than two Iraqi soldiers!" Sadam was mad. He sent his two best soldiers over the dune. A firefight ensued lasting an hour. Finally, all fell silent. Saddam and his men stood silently listening, watching.
From over the dune came the voice again, "One U.S. Marine is better than ten Iraqi soldiers!" Sadam was furious. He chose his ten elite to head over the dune. Once again, the firefight ensued. After 2 hours, the battle fell silent as Saddam and his men listened and watched. Once again the voice came, louder and more defiant than before, "One U.S. Marine is better than one hundered Iraqi soldiers!" Sadam shook his head and sent the top 100 of what was left of his troups. Again..the firefight ensued. Shots rang out, screaming...explosions. After 5 hours the battle fell silent.
The voice yelled over the dune, "One U.S. Marine is better than 1000 Iraqi soldiers!" That was it. Sadam summoned the best of his best, his assassins, elite guards and crack men. All 1000 of them went over the dune at the same time like locust. Once again the battle raged for 10 hours. Explosions, screaming, gunfire, missles, gernades. Finally, the fight fell silent. Sadam waited with a smug smirk on his face when over the dune crawled a lone, broken, burned, maimed Iraqi solder. "Its a trap!" Groaned the soldier. "Don't send more troops! It's a trap! There are two of them!"
- Amy Swords
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A soldier was home on leave and thought he would keep up his fitness routine.
So, he was on his lawn doing push ups when a drunk, who was walking down the street, saw him and yelled, "Hey Buddy! I believe your gal got up and left!!"
So, he was on his lawn doing push ups when a drunk, who was walking down the street, saw him and yelled, "Hey Buddy! I believe your gal got up and left!!"
- jim harp
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Zipper Down
A retired veteran walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open. I mean your fly is open."
He smiled, zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so-when he reached the counter, he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see an impressive soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady, smarter than the man, thought for a moment and said, "Oh no, I didn't. All I saw was a little guy sitting on a couple of tattered duffel bags."
A retired veteran walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open. I mean your fly is open."
He smiled, zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so-when he reached the counter, he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see an impressive soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady, smarter than the man, thought for a moment and said, "Oh no, I didn't. All I saw was a little guy sitting on a couple of tattered duffel bags."
- anonymous
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