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MILITARY JOKES
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During WWII a seemingly inept private spent most of the day running around the grounds picking up pieces of paper. Then each time he would shake his head and say,"NO that's not it!"
Section 8 began watching and eventually decided to relieve him of duty and discharge him. When they handed him the document he exclaimed,"That's it!"
Section 8 began watching and eventually decided to relieve him of duty and discharge him. When they handed him the document he exclaimed,"That's it!"
- bette servos
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True Story!
While in the Navy and attending Radio School in San Diego in 1960, everyone was required to stand a Base Commander's inspection. All hands were on deck on the huge "grinder"standing at parade rest until the Inspection Party arrive at units--one by one--who would smartly snap to attention and then suffer the absurd questioning of the "boot" Ensign who took great pleasure in harassing the troops in this manner! I am sure that every man felt like I did - He was the idiot!
As he came to our unit; we stood tall and as he stopped directly in front of me (a Seaman Apprentice)he glared and asked, "Sailor, what would you do if you saw an enemy submarine coming across that grinder?"
I thought the question was silly and responded so all around could hear, "Sir, I would get a torpedo and sink it!"
He sneered and sarcastically asked, "Just where would you get that torpedo?"
I answered loudly, "The SAME place you got that submarine, Sir!"
You should have heard the muffled laughter and seen the Ensign's face!!!
He asked no more questions that day!
As the Base Commander (4 Striper) passed me--he looked me directly in the eye and gave me a big wink! He could not contain his laughter!! Hooray for the little ol' enlisted man that day!
While in the Navy and attending Radio School in San Diego in 1960, everyone was required to stand a Base Commander's inspection. All hands were on deck on the huge "grinder"standing at parade rest until the Inspection Party arrive at units--one by one--who would smartly snap to attention and then suffer the absurd questioning of the "boot" Ensign who took great pleasure in harassing the troops in this manner! I am sure that every man felt like I did - He was the idiot!
As he came to our unit; we stood tall and as he stopped directly in front of me (a Seaman Apprentice)he glared and asked, "Sailor, what would you do if you saw an enemy submarine coming across that grinder?"
I thought the question was silly and responded so all around could hear, "Sir, I would get a torpedo and sink it!"
He sneered and sarcastically asked, "Just where would you get that torpedo?"
I answered loudly, "The SAME place you got that submarine, Sir!"
You should have heard the muffled laughter and seen the Ensign's face!!!
He asked no more questions that day!
As the Base Commander (4 Striper) passed me--he looked me directly in the eye and gave me a big wink! He could not contain his laughter!! Hooray for the little ol' enlisted man that day!
- Fred Elam
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During the latter part of WWII in Europe, two G.I.s were fumbling for cigarettes when they discovered that they had no matches. One of the guys looked over and saw a solitary figure huddled in an army greatcoat, so he went over to the guy and loudly said, "Hey, Mac...ya gotta light?"
The man produced a ronson and soon the G.I. was back ready to light his buddy's smoke.
The second guy, instead of happily lighting up jumped all over his pal.
"Whadda ya mean going over to that guy and asking him for a light? Didn't ya recognize him you moron? That was General Patton...and you sayin' 'hey, mac ya gotta light? You could be busted to buck private for that and pull KP into the next century!"
The guy, chagrined, rushed over to Patton and apologized profusely for his error in failing to recognize the great General.
Patton drawled, "That's alright, son, just don't ever do it to a second lieutenant."
The second guy, instead of happily lighting up jumped all over his pal.
"Whadda ya mean going over to that guy and asking him for a light? Didn't ya recognize him you moron? That was General Patton...and you sayin' 'hey, mac ya gotta light? You could be busted to buck private for that and pull KP into the next century!"
The guy, chagrined, rushed over to Patton and apologized profusely for his error in failing to recognize the great General.
Patton drawled, "That's alright, son, just don't ever do it to a second lieutenant."
- Tom Mills
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Sergeant Wilson was recuperating from an operation in room 302.
The nurse in his ward received a phone call asking after his condition and how the operation went.
She answered that it went well, they were out of the O.R. two hours ago, and he was resting now, with full recovery expected in a day or two when he would be released.
The caller thanked the nurse, and just as she was ready to hang up, she said that she assumed that the caller was a close friend or a relative; could the caller identify himself?
The caller said "Yes, This is Sergeant Wilson in room 302, and NOBODY ever tells me ANYTHING!"
The nurse in his ward received a phone call asking after his condition and how the operation went.
She answered that it went well, they were out of the O.R. two hours ago, and he was resting now, with full recovery expected in a day or two when he would be released.
The caller thanked the nurse, and just as she was ready to hang up, she said that she assumed that the caller was a close friend or a relative; could the caller identify himself?
The caller said "Yes, This is Sergeant Wilson in room 302, and NOBODY ever tells me ANYTHING!"
- Lyle Starkweather
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4 guys in heaven were arguing one day, and St. Peter asked what they were arguing about.
One responded, "we were arguing about what branch of the service was best."St. Peter said he would pose the question to God, and God would publish a memo in about a week. A while later a memo arrived. It said memo from the Almighty One. The text of the memo said that he had been asked what service branch was the best. God replied as follows. All branches of service served with dignity and honor. All members of all of the services served with dignity and honor. All branches of service are held in high esteem. The memo was signed "God, USAF Retired."
One responded, "we were arguing about what branch of the service was best."St. Peter said he would pose the question to God, and God would publish a memo in about a week. A while later a memo arrived. It said memo from the Almighty One. The text of the memo said that he had been asked what service branch was the best. God replied as follows. All branches of service served with dignity and honor. All members of all of the services served with dignity and honor. All branches of service are held in high esteem. The memo was signed "God, USAF Retired."
- Sgt. Paul Yocom
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Thieves broke into the police station one night,and stole all the toilets. Nobody saw them,and they left no clues whatsoever. A police spokesman said,"We don't have anything to go on."
- John Quest USAR ret.
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A retired veteran had arthritis so bad that he had to retire to a nursing home. There he was still moving with difficulty, the facility manager, spoke with his nurse about a new theraphy.
He instructed the nurse to secretely pour a shot of irish whiskey in his milk before he took breakfast. It worked -- the vet was moving like a man of 20.
A few years later he got deathly ill, though, and he asked the nurse to bring the manager. She did, and the manager asked, "What can i do to help?"
The veteran whispered in his ear and then passed away. The nurse asked the manager what the vet's last words were?
The manager replied, "he said whatever we do, don't sell our cow!"
He instructed the nurse to secretely pour a shot of irish whiskey in his milk before he took breakfast. It worked -- the vet was moving like a man of 20.
A few years later he got deathly ill, though, and he asked the nurse to bring the manager. She did, and the manager asked, "What can i do to help?"
The veteran whispered in his ear and then passed away. The nurse asked the manager what the vet's last words were?
The manager replied, "he said whatever we do, don't sell our cow!"
- jim
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Saddam was marching his troops in the desert when they stopped to rest. From the other side of the sand dune Saddam heard a voice, strong and defiant, yelling, "One U.S. Marine is better than two Iraqi soldiers!" Sadam was mad. He sent his two best soldiers over the dune. A firefight ensued lasting an hour. Finally, all fell silent. Saddam and his men stood silently listening, watching.
From over the dune came the voice again, "One U.S. Marine is better than ten Iraqi soldiers!" Sadam was furious. He chose his ten elite to head over the dune. Once again, the firefight ensued. After 2 hours, the battle fell silent as Saddam and his men listened and watched. Once again the voice came, louder and more defiant than before, "One U.S. Marine is better than one hundered Iraqi soldiers!" Sadam shook his head and sent the top 100 of what was left of his troups. Again..the firefight ensued. Shots rang out, screaming...explosions. After 5 hours the battle fell silent.
The voice yelled over the dune, "One U.S. Marine is better than 1000 Iraqi soldiers!" That was it. Sadam summoned the best of his best, his assassins, elite guards and crack men. All 1000 of them went over the dune at the same time like locust. Once again the battle raged for 10 hours. Explosions, screaming, gunfire, missles, gernades. Finally, the fight fell silent. Sadam waited with a smug smirk on his face when over the dune crawled a lone, broken, burned, maimed Iraqi solder. "Its a trap!" Groaned the soldier. "Don't send more troops! It's a trap! There are two of them!"
- Amy Swords
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A soldier was home on leave and thought he would keep up his fitness routine.
So, he was on his lawn doing push ups when a drunk, who was walking down the street, saw him and yelled, "Hey Buddy! I believe your gal got up and left!!"
So, he was on his lawn doing push ups when a drunk, who was walking down the street, saw him and yelled, "Hey Buddy! I believe your gal got up and left!!"
- jim harp
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Zipper Down
A retired veteran walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open. I mean your fly is open."
He smiled, zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so-when he reached the counter, he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see an impressive soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady, smarter than the man, thought for a moment and said, "Oh no, I didn't. All I saw was a little guy sitting on a couple of tattered duffel bags."
A retired veteran walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open. I mean your fly is open."
He smiled, zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so-when he reached the counter, he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see an impressive soldier standing in there at attention?"
The lady, smarter than the man, thought for a moment and said, "Oh no, I didn't. All I saw was a little guy sitting on a couple of tattered duffel bags."
- anonymous
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0
- Mike
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This was seen in Reader's Digest, probably in the early fifties or mid sixties. It was submitted by a lady on an overnight train. She was sitting opposite, and facing, a pretty young lady, and across the aisle was an uniformed serviceman.
The young lady curled up on the seat to get some rest, and the serviceman really attempted to avert his eyes from her legs, and her skirt that kept edging upward toward her waist.
At some time during the night, the gal awoke, stirred, and pulled her skirt down further. The action drew the serviceman's eyes, briefly, but it was noticed by the girl.
"I can see your certainly not a gentleman," she said rather sarcastically.
He replied: "And I can certainly see that you aren't one, too."
The young lady curled up on the seat to get some rest, and the serviceman really attempted to avert his eyes from her legs, and her skirt that kept edging upward toward her waist.
At some time during the night, the gal awoke, stirred, and pulled her skirt down further. The action drew the serviceman's eyes, briefly, but it was noticed by the girl.
"I can see your certainly not a gentleman," she said rather sarcastically.
He replied: "And I can certainly see that you aren't one, too."
- Richard Herzfeld
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Sgt Homer,a handsome dude,walks into the NCO Club and sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.The 10:00 PM news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looks at Sgt Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"
Sgt Homer says,"You know,I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied. "Well,I bet he won't."
Sgt Homer placed a $20 dollar bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off of the building and fell to his death. The blonde was very upset and hand hand her $20 dollars to Sgt Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
Sgt Homer replies. "I ca't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and I knew he would jump."
The blonde replies,"I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looks at Sgt Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"
Sgt Homer says,"You know,I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied. "Well,I bet he won't."
Sgt Homer placed a $20 dollar bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off of the building and fell to his death. The blonde was very upset and hand hand her $20 dollars to Sgt Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
Sgt Homer replies. "I ca't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and I knew he would jump."
The blonde replies,"I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
- Msg Joe G Inocencio Ret
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True Story.
When I was a teenage Navy brat living in Rota, Spain, I did a lot of babysitting. On one such occassion, the little lady I was babysitting, who was about 5 came into the bathroom while I was otherwise occupied.
Not understanding about privacy, she stood there conversing with me while I finished my business. Out of the blue, she looks at me and asks, 'When I get older, am I gonna have hair on my gina(as she called it) like you and my mommy?
Not knowing what else to say, I assured her that when she got older, she would indeed. It's little things like this that come back to haunt you.
Several weeks later, her father decided to get a hair cut and brought his young daughter to the busy barber shop located next to an equally busy PX. I'm guessing it was the hair all over the floor that made her think of it, but right there in front of quite a few other men waiting their turns, she announced in a very clear, very loud voice, "Daddy, when I get older, I'm gonna have hair on my gina just like mommy."
His response was an aghast, "Who told you that?" Didn't I hear it after that. You really got to watch what you say to kids. OOOps!
When I was a teenage Navy brat living in Rota, Spain, I did a lot of babysitting. On one such occassion, the little lady I was babysitting, who was about 5 came into the bathroom while I was otherwise occupied.
Not understanding about privacy, she stood there conversing with me while I finished my business. Out of the blue, she looks at me and asks, 'When I get older, am I gonna have hair on my gina(as she called it) like you and my mommy?
Not knowing what else to say, I assured her that when she got older, she would indeed. It's little things like this that come back to haunt you.
Several weeks later, her father decided to get a hair cut and brought his young daughter to the busy barber shop located next to an equally busy PX. I'm guessing it was the hair all over the floor that made her think of it, but right there in front of quite a few other men waiting their turns, she announced in a very clear, very loud voice, "Daddy, when I get older, I'm gonna have hair on my gina just like mommy."
His response was an aghast, "Who told you that?" Didn't I hear it after that. You really got to watch what you say to kids. OOOps!
- A. Stacey
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After graduation from boot camp, a young sailor was
looking forward to a nice relaxing train ride home.
Shortly after the train left the station, a very old
woman escorted by her young very pretty daughter
was also looking for a seat and asked if they might
share the booth with him, which of course he
agreed.
A short time the sailor spotted his boot camp drill instructor coming down the isle also looking for a seat. After recognizing the sailor, the drill instructor just helped himself to the seat next to the sailor anxious to meet the pretty young girl. After a long while riding in silent, the train entered a very dark long tunnel. Shortly a loud kiss was heard followed by an obvious painful slap.
After the train exited the dark tunnel, the young daughter was very mortified thinking one of the service men chose to sneak a kiss from her old ugly mother instead of her. The mother was enjoying knowing one of the service men took the opportunity to steal a kiss from her pretty young daughter.
The young sailor was enjoying seeing the drill instructor's face red while thinking: "What a great opportunity that was, kiss my own arm and slap the hell of my drill instructor and get away with it!"
A short time the sailor spotted his boot camp drill instructor coming down the isle also looking for a seat. After recognizing the sailor, the drill instructor just helped himself to the seat next to the sailor anxious to meet the pretty young girl. After a long while riding in silent, the train entered a very dark long tunnel. Shortly a loud kiss was heard followed by an obvious painful slap.
After the train exited the dark tunnel, the young daughter was very mortified thinking one of the service men chose to sneak a kiss from her old ugly mother instead of her. The mother was enjoying knowing one of the service men took the opportunity to steal a kiss from her pretty young daughter.
The young sailor was enjoying seeing the drill instructor's face red while thinking: "What a great opportunity that was, kiss my own arm and slap the hell of my drill instructor and get away with it!"
- Alton Johnson, AEC(Ret).
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