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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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An Army private, a AF Major, and a Marine was left in the desert for training and could only take one thing. The Army private brought beer. The AF Major brought money with him. The Marine had a deuce and a 1/2s door with him. The Marine asks the Army private,"Why did you bring only beer?" He answered,"Because when it gets hot I'll pop open some beers to drink." The Marine says "Oh, that's good thinking private." The Marine looks at the AF Major and asks "Why did you bring only money?" The AF Major answers, "Because when it gets hot I'll buy some beers from the private." The Marine says "That's a great plan, sir." The Army private and AF Major look at the Marine and the private asks the Marine,"Why are you carrying a Deuce and a 1/2s door?" The Marine smiles and answers,"Because when it gets hot I'll just role down the window!"
- Christian
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Two young Marines were looking for the Personnel office at Marine Corps Headquarters, when they asked an old Gunny if the office they were looking for was on the hall they were on, to which the Gunny shouted, "There are no halls in the Marines, boot, there are only passageways."
As the two boots were walking away, one was heard to sing, "From the passageways of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli".
As the two boots were walking away, one was heard to sing, "From the passageways of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli".
- Neil Young
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A GI brought a dog into a bar and stood him on the bar and asks, "does any one want to buy a talking dog?" The bartender responded, "I dont believe he's a talking dog, let me hear him talk." The dog started saying, "I'm a hero dog with the marines, i have a silver star, medal of honor,and a few purple hearts." The bartender says, "Wow, why do you want to sell a dog that talks?" And the owner says HE LIES ALOT......
- irv yaffa
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Subject: Army Issue
Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a mountain man was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On his third day the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for him.
Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a mountain man was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On his third day the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for him.
- Graylyn Garr
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One day I was at home with my 3 yr old and I told her "I had to leave, I had duty."
But, "mommy", she said, "we have a bafroom."
But, "mommy", she said, "we have a bafroom."
- kerria
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A lieutenant, a major and a colonel were in the bar at the officer's club, having a debate about sex: how much was pleasure and how much was work.
The lieutenant, just back from his honeymoon, said it was 75% pleasure and 25% work.
The major, who was getting up in age, said it was 50-50.
The colonel, who was ready for retirement, said it was 75% work and 25% pleasure.
They couldn't come to an agreement, so they decided to ask go to the barracks and ask the sergeant on duty.
The sergeant told them it was 100% pleasure.
When the three officers asked him why, the sergeant said "Because if there was any work involved, the three of you would have me doing it for you!"
The lieutenant, just back from his honeymoon, said it was 75% pleasure and 25% work.
The major, who was getting up in age, said it was 50-50.
The colonel, who was ready for retirement, said it was 75% work and 25% pleasure.
They couldn't come to an agreement, so they decided to ask go to the barracks and ask the sergeant on duty.
The sergeant told them it was 100% pleasure.
When the three officers asked him why, the sergeant said "Because if there was any work involved, the three of you would have me doing it for you!"
- noname
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True Story, I visited Kadena Air Base on Okinowa on my way to Vietnam in July 1969. I found there four inter-service clocks. Each had a statement written under the clock. The first one said, For all you Army Personnel, the time is... The Second one said For all you Air Force Personnel the time is... The Third clock said, For all you Navy Personnel the time is, and it gave the time. The fourth clock said for all you Marines, the big hand is on the four, and the little hand is on the six. I am an X-Marine
- Al Monte
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There is three people on station, so there is a trainee,a trainer, and the general. So, the trainer was telling the trainee how the general comes up with so many surprises. The trainee being a blonde was thinking about presents and parties, when he said surprises. So, they go outside and do their daily drills when it started raining. the general said " attention, hut". So, the trainee asks " where is the hut, General, Sir". The General replies" drop down and give me twenty. The blonde says " would you like it in 5 dollar bills, 10 dollar bills, or ones.
- Nicole
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a marine, soldier and sailor are stranded in a life raft ten miles from the nearest shore. eventually they decide they should swim for it. the swabby went first, a little later he comes back and says 'i could only make it two miles, after that i was to tired and had to turn back'. then the doggie gave it a shot. he comes back and says 'i could only make it 4 miles before i had to turn back'. then it was the jarheads turn. time goes by, he was gone for longer than the other two. then he comes back. he says 'that is tiring, i could only make it 8 miles before i was to tired and had to turn back.'
- joe smith
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One day there was a bad accident that killed one member from each branch of the service the Marine, Air Force, Navy, and the Army. They were standing at the golden gates to heaven and started arguing about which service was better. So they ask John, all of a sudden a dove appears and John writes the question and sends the dove back. a bit later the dove returnes and John reads the letter it says "Gentlemen, you should all be proud of the services that you were in and signed, God - Master Gunny USMC.
- Jason Grainger
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(This actually happened) Loisel was the company black sheep. We were walking together down the company street when our Captain passed by. He said to Loisel,"Is that your cigar butt laying there? Loisel answered, "No sir, you saw it first".
- Bernard Grzebinski
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There was these 2 snipers one was russian the other was polish , it was christmas time , the russian spotted the polish first but he stopped to think about it first he was having a conscience attack about taking his shot, so he snuck up unto the polish sniper , as he creeped around the corner the Pollock frozed dead fo he knew he had and dropped his weapon, the russian tried to talk to him to find what he was so he jestured as much as he could with hands so that he could get across what he was trying to say, so he made a jesture with his hands that likea and arch and asked him are you paratrooper ? no response, then he made like fingers walking asking are you infantry ? no reponse ... then he mad a jesture like his shooting forward throw the other hand and extending his arm forward asking are you artlery spotter , the guy stood back a little was getting worried, finally the russian was all out of ideas he put his hand to his head like he was holding a pair of binoculars and pulled his hands forward adn said are you forward observer that was the last straw the Polish sniper took off running.. he arrived back at his base his co was there what the hell are you doing back here he asked , the sniper said there is no way that im going back out there those russians are sneaky theare so sneaky that one sneaked up on me and told me what he was going to do , the co said what? so the sniper making the jestures as the russian had did to him and was saying " As the sun comes down that he was going to march done to where iam at and screw me inthe ass untill my eyes popped out!!!!!!!!!!
- craig fields
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There was a blond in the Military and she got sent off to a war in Vetnam. She is sitting in a fox hole and she ask a soilder next to her " Who is this Charlie guy we are looking for?"
- Vash
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During a Joint training excersise, Army and Marine soldiers along with navy seabees were camped out on any open space available on base. Early in the morning an air force officer approached a group of soldiers and told them to move all of their gear. When the officer in charge asked the air force officers why, They responded that they could put their camp back up in a couple of hours. The soldiers still had a confused look so the air force officers tried to explain that they had an 8 o'clock tee time and the soldiers were camped out on the eighth hole.
- Barry Carter
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One day SGM Jones walks into an establishment looking for a good time. Says to the madame, "I want the best woman in the house." 30 seconds later the hottest woman walks into the room and proceeds to lead SGM upstairs. Once upstairs, he undresses and says he wants to show her a trick, and she obliges. He told her to watch as he said "Attention," and immediately had an erection. He then said "At ease," and went limp. He repeated a couple of times... She was so impressed, she had to show the other girls in the house. The SGM happily agreed to show them. Finally on the last attempt he said, "Attention" and stood erect. He then said, "At ease!" But nothing happened. He repeated again, "At ease!" Still nothing. He did twice more, still nothing but erection. He told them, "Excuse me a moment." He masturbates and then says "I had to give a private a dishonorable discharge."
- John Brown
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