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MILITARY JOKES
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A long time friend of mine went for 11-Bang Bang (Infantry)and it seemed that every time that he got more than 2 stripes on his shoulder something got screwed up and "Sarge" got busted to E-1. After Desert storm we met up again in our home town, the more drinks I bought him the more stories he told.
"sarge" is a very stockey farm boy from Indiana and one time in Kuwait he was stripped down ready for his shower. He stepped in to find a Cobra in there with him, he takes off across the compound to retrieve his side arm and procedes to empty a clip into the shower. There goes some more stripes. Oh! Did I mention that he was BUCK NAKED when he ran across the compound? Must have been a sight. A naked man running around the compound and shooting up the shower.
"sarge" is a very stockey farm boy from Indiana and one time in Kuwait he was stripped down ready for his shower. He stepped in to find a Cobra in there with him, he takes off across the compound to retrieve his side arm and procedes to empty a clip into the shower. There goes some more stripes. Oh! Did I mention that he was BUCK NAKED when he ran across the compound? Must have been a sight. A naked man running around the compound and shooting up the shower.
- Max Monce Jr
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True story: In 2000, I worked at the Census Bureau positioned across from another Navy veteran, a tough, salty, no-nonsense type.
In 2000, the tabloids flashed the "scoop" of "Bob Hope's last days!" So, mentioned that Hope was reported to be up and around, after all.
He replied, "He's gone!"
I continued, "Just think, when Bob Hope gets to the other side, all those servicemen, and women, will rush to greet him!"
"He's gone!", my friend firmly stated.
I couldn't let it go. "And, you know who will be there waiting for him? Bing Crosby!"
"No wonder he's holding on!" was the prompt reply.
In 2000, the tabloids flashed the "scoop" of "Bob Hope's last days!" So, mentioned that Hope was reported to be up and around, after all.
He replied, "He's gone!"
I continued, "Just think, when Bob Hope gets to the other side, all those servicemen, and women, will rush to greet him!"
"He's gone!", my friend firmly stated.
I couldn't let it go. "And, you know who will be there waiting for him? Bing Crosby!"
"No wonder he's holding on!" was the prompt reply.
- al m.
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One day an officer and an NCO was standing on a street corner. The officer turned to the NCO and said: I'm going to take a trip to the sun.
The NCO replied and said: Sir! you can't do that...you'll burn up and die! The officer replied:...wait, I'm smart..I have a degree...I'll go at night!!
- randy_g
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After we had instructions on how to wear the gas mask, the instructer asked if anyone had any questions on the subject, one soldier raised his hand and asked "where do you turn on the gas?" (true story)
- Paul C Lawrence Sr.
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An Iraqi officer is leading his troops through the desert when the come upon a large sand dune.
On the other side, a voice calls out, " 1 US Marine is better than 100 Iraqi soldiers. So he sends over his men and a battle takes place.
Silence, then a voice again says "1 US Marine is better than 500 Iraqi troops." So the officer sends 500 men over the dune. Again, a fierce battle takes place, then silence.
Again, a voice comes over and says " 1 US Marine is better than 1000 Iraqi soldiers." A major battle for over an hour takes place. Then silence.
From atop the dune, an Iraqi soldier crawls up, all bloodied and badly wounded and says "Sir, don't send any more men, it's a trap...there are 2 US Marines."
On the other side, a voice calls out, " 1 US Marine is better than 100 Iraqi soldiers. So he sends over his men and a battle takes place.
Silence, then a voice again says "1 US Marine is better than 500 Iraqi troops." So the officer sends 500 men over the dune. Again, a fierce battle takes place, then silence.
Again, a voice comes over and says " 1 US Marine is better than 1000 Iraqi soldiers." A major battle for over an hour takes place. Then silence.
From atop the dune, an Iraqi soldier crawls up, all bloodied and badly wounded and says "Sir, don't send any more men, it's a trap...there are 2 US Marines."
- Mark Iapaolo
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The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
- AK1 Howard S Hayes USNR-R(TAR)(Ret)
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True story!!
A young National Guard 2LT arrived late at the formation and his platoon had already left for the Camp Adair training area 90 miles away and not being familiar with the area ask the company 1SG how to get there and after a few words on the importance of not missing the formation in the future the 1SG told him to go to company headquarters a copy of the strip map. Upon arriving he ask the specialist to show him a strip map and not knowing what it was for he copied the strip map out of the FM thinking it was for training on how to do a strip map. The young 2LT spent the next 4 hours trying to find FT ROCK training area before returning to the company area to get better directions. Hate to admit it this was one of my platoon leaders at the time now he commands his own company!
- Jim Ellis
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A vet needed a new brain. The surgeon showed him 3 brains for sale. The first was the brain of a Doctor for $1000, the second brain was from a lawyer for $500, and the third was from an officer, it's price $100,000. The Doc's brain seemed like a bargain compared to the lawyer and officer's brain. When asked why the big difference in price, the answer was a bigger surprise. Well, the officer's brain is so expensive because it's never been used!
- Creg
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A soldier walks in to a bar and asks the bartender for 10 shots of tequila and one botle of beer. "Sure son," says the bartender and serves the drinks, the soldier drinks them all one after the other. "Wow," says, "the bartender are you going to kuwait?" "No," replied the soldier. "Are you going to afganistan?" "No." "Well can you tell me why you drank so fast?" The soldier then says, "Sir i got caught with the major's daughther, their after me and it's only a matter if time before they catch-up to me. And besides I've only have 50 cents in my pocket."
- Sgt
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There are four officers sitting around talking about who had the bravest soldiers.
The Air Force officer said that i have the bravest soliders they said prove it so he took them out to the nearest air force base and tool the fist air man that he saw to stand in the middle of the run way and let the next airplane that came land on him he saluted and said "yes sir" and the air force officer said now that is bravery.
The navy officer said thats nothing compared to my soliders they said prove it so he took them out to the nearest naval base and grabed the first seaman that he saw and told him to jump in the ocean swim to the bottom and grab the biggest shark that he saw and bing it to him he saluted and said"yes sir" and the naval officer said thats bravery.
The marine corps officer said thats nothing they said prove it so he took them out to the nearest marine corps base and grabed the first marine that he saw and told him to go and stand in the middle of the artilery field and dodge live rounds he saluted and said "yes sir" and the marine officer said now thats bravery.
The Army officer said thats nothing they said prove it so he took them out to the nearest army base and grabed the first solider that he saw and told him to go and stand in the middle of the m4 range and dodge live fire and the solider turned to the officer and saluted and said"f-u sir" and the army officer said now that is bravery.
The Air Force officer said that i have the bravest soliders they said prove it so he took them out to the nearest air force base and tool the fist air man that he saw to stand in the middle of the run way and let the next airplane that came land on him he saluted and said "yes sir" and the air force officer said now that is bravery.
The navy officer said thats nothing compared to my soliders they said prove it so he took them out to the nearest naval base and grabed the first seaman that he saw and told him to jump in the ocean swim to the bottom and grab the biggest shark that he saw and bing it to him he saluted and said"yes sir" and the naval officer said thats bravery.
The marine corps officer said thats nothing they said prove it so he took them out to the nearest marine corps base and grabed the first marine that he saw and told him to go and stand in the middle of the artilery field and dodge live rounds he saluted and said "yes sir" and the marine officer said now thats bravery.
The Army officer said thats nothing they said prove it so he took them out to the nearest army base and grabed the first solider that he saw and told him to go and stand in the middle of the m4 range and dodge live fire and the solider turned to the officer and saluted and said"f-u sir" and the army officer said now that is bravery.
- J. Allred
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An Army and Air Force General, and a Navy Admiral were standing by at the gates of God waiting on their turn to enter. While waiting in line for what seems an eternity they see a rough and scruffy P.O.ed looking Sergeant Major walking right passed everyone in line, right passed them without a good day, evening Sir, by your leave or jack and going straight in the gates, slamming them behind them. Furious over what they had just seen after their long wait the 3 bullied to the front and demanded and audience. As St Pete approached they started booming about how unjust, the rank structure, the whole 9 yards and demanded an explanation from God of how this whole scene just transpired. With a smirk grin St. Pete simply replied, "Sure about that?" Even madder now the 3 boomed "YES". "Good" replied St. Pete, "because that was God!!"
- Smokey
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A National Guard Truck Unit was traveling to a flood area to assist in flood control. Asked by radio while nearing the area of the type of trucks they had, the reply was," We have Two Bys, Four Bys, Six Bys, and the Big Mothers that go PSSST PSSST
- ROY EDWARDS
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An Army Private goes into PX and asks the supply Sergeant, "Got any gwapes?"
The Sergeant replies, "No."
The Private says, "OK," and leaves.
The same Private enters the store the next day, and again asks the Sergeant, "Got any gwapes?"
Again, the Sergeant replies, "No."
The Private leaves.
The Private returns the third day, and asks the Sergeant, "Got any gwapes?"
The Sergeant replies, "No, we dot have any gwapes, and if you comeback tomorrow ask again, I'll staple your feet to the floor."
The Private leaves.
The same Private returns the fourth day, and asks the Sergeant, "Got any staples?"
The Sergeant replies, "No."
So the Private asks, "Got any gwapes?"
The Sergeant replies, "No."
The Private says, "OK," and leaves.
The same Private enters the store the next day, and again asks the Sergeant, "Got any gwapes?"
Again, the Sergeant replies, "No."
The Private leaves.
The Private returns the third day, and asks the Sergeant, "Got any gwapes?"
The Sergeant replies, "No, we dot have any gwapes, and if you comeback tomorrow ask again, I'll staple your feet to the floor."
The Private leaves.
The same Private returns the fourth day, and asks the Sergeant, "Got any staples?"
The Sergeant replies, "No."
So the Private asks, "Got any gwapes?"
- Katheryne Proctor
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A lieutenant was searching through his pockets trying to find a quarter to make a phone call home, from the pay phone at the P.X. While searching his pockets a group of privates come walking in to the P.X. the lieutenant stopped one of the and ask "private do you have change for a dollar?"
Private replies "yea, sure do." and pulls out 4 quarters and offers it to the lieutenant. The lieutenant says to the private "lets try this again, and when you answer this time, end your statement with SIR! Do you understand" private says "yes sir!" so the lieutenant ask the private again "Private, do you have change for a dollar?" Private says "NO, SIR!"
Private replies "yea, sure do." and pulls out 4 quarters and offers it to the lieutenant. The lieutenant says to the private "lets try this again, and when you answer this time, end your statement with SIR! Do you understand" private says "yes sir!" so the lieutenant ask the private again "Private, do you have change for a dollar?" Private says "NO, SIR!"
- Marshall Grant
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When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed that one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, she said to him, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister?"The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute, ma'am."
- anonymous
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