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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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During the German Occupation of Norway (1940-45), two high German Officers visit the Norwegian National Viking Ship Museum & A little Norwegian boy of six sidles up alongside them.
"Do you like our Viking Ships?"
"Yah..Yah, they are very gut" replied the Germans.
Then the little Norwegian boy says "We used to take England every spring with such boats." From ALL FOR NORWAY, a British periodical printed in 1942.
"Do you like our Viking Ships?"
"Yah..Yah, they are very gut" replied the Germans.
Then the little Norwegian boy says "We used to take England every spring with such boats." From ALL FOR NORWAY, a British periodical printed in 1942.
- James C. Neel
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During the German Occupation of Norway, the local Norwegian fishermen in a small port nearby saw a Luftwaffe Condor Aircraft crash into the sea. They set out in one of their boats to search for survivors, but returned empty-handed.
"Weren't any of them still alive?" asked a German Guard.
"Well," said one of the Norwegian fishermen, "One of them said he was alive, but you know what liars those Germans are." From "ALL FOR NORWAY", a l942 British war pictorial book.
"Weren't any of them still alive?" asked a German Guard.
"Well," said one of the Norwegian fishermen, "One of them said he was alive, but you know what liars those Germans are." From "ALL FOR NORWAY", a l942 British war pictorial book.
- James C. Neel
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Three officers were out hunting one day. One was an Army Lieutenant in accounting, a Marine Captain engineer, and an Air Force Major lawyer.
They were arguing about who had the best hunting dog.
The Army accountant called out to his dog. "Debit, take 4 bones out of the bag!" Debit did as he was told immediately.
The Marine Engineer, not to be outdone, called out. "Slide Rule! make a square out of those bones." Slide Rule lined them up perfectly.
The Air Force lawyer paused, then called his dog.. "Counselor, show them what a lawyer does." The dog went over, ate all four bones, screwed the other two dogs, and took the afternoon off...
They were arguing about who had the best hunting dog.
The Army accountant called out to his dog. "Debit, take 4 bones out of the bag!" Debit did as he was told immediately.
The Marine Engineer, not to be outdone, called out. "Slide Rule! make a square out of those bones." Slide Rule lined them up perfectly.
The Air Force lawyer paused, then called his dog.. "Counselor, show them what a lawyer does." The dog went over, ate all four bones, screwed the other two dogs, and took the afternoon off...
- Bob Neuberger
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As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asked quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asked quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
- Michael Schuttenberg
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A retired Navy Chief with a pet parrot bought a chicken farm.
The very first morning at 05:00 the parrot was swaking, "Revelle all you swabs get your ass out of the sack and fall in."
The Chief who wanted to sleep in decided that the parrot had to go. So that night he put the parrot in the chicken pen.
The very next morning at exactly 05:00 he heard the most awful noises from the chicken pen, he looked out side and saw feathers all over the yard, there were dead white chicken, dead black chicken, and dead red chickens all over the place. All the brown chicken were line up and the parrot was pacing back and forth in front of them.
The parrot was swaking, "Dammit when I say fall out in Kakies I mean Kakies."
The very first morning at 05:00 the parrot was swaking, "Revelle all you swabs get your ass out of the sack and fall in."
The Chief who wanted to sleep in decided that the parrot had to go. So that night he put the parrot in the chicken pen.
The very next morning at exactly 05:00 he heard the most awful noises from the chicken pen, he looked out side and saw feathers all over the yard, there were dead white chicken, dead black chicken, and dead red chickens all over the place. All the brown chicken were line up and the parrot was pacing back and forth in front of them.
The parrot was swaking, "Dammit when I say fall out in Kakies I mean Kakies."
- Marty
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Two Sergeants on pass decided to get a woman of the evening. They stopped one in front of a library and asked if she was working.
"Yes," she replied, "but I have VD."
The sergeants looked at each other and one asked the other to go in the library and see what VD meant.
The Sergeant comes running back and says, "it's ok." So off they go.
A few days later they both start burning, so the one say's to the other who went to look up VD.
"What was that VD anyway?"
The Sergeant replied, "it said in the book, VD a disease of the privates, so us being Sergeants I figured it was ok."
"Yes," she replied, "but I have VD."
The sergeants looked at each other and one asked the other to go in the library and see what VD meant.
The Sergeant comes running back and says, "it's ok." So off they go.
A few days later they both start burning, so the one say's to the other who went to look up VD.
"What was that VD anyway?"
The Sergeant replied, "it said in the book, VD a disease of the privates, so us being Sergeants I figured it was ok."
- doc
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This is no joke.. really happened:
At Fort Benjamin Harrison, Ind, there was a Defense Information School which had several enlisted men and women as instructors. During the summer, many Officer Reservists attended the school.
One day a female Captain was walking toward the school and as she approached the main entrance, a Sergeant (instructor) came running out of the school and ran right passed the Captain.
She stopped and turned toward the Sergeant and yelled at him, "Sergeant, do you know how to salute an officer?"
He immediately replied without hesitation, "Yes Mam, but I don't have time to teach you right now".
I said to the Captain, "Mam, you have to admit, that was a very good come back".
At Fort Benjamin Harrison, Ind, there was a Defense Information School which had several enlisted men and women as instructors. During the summer, many Officer Reservists attended the school.
One day a female Captain was walking toward the school and as she approached the main entrance, a Sergeant (instructor) came running out of the school and ran right passed the Captain.
She stopped and turned toward the Sergeant and yelled at him, "Sergeant, do you know how to salute an officer?"
He immediately replied without hesitation, "Yes Mam, but I don't have time to teach you right now".
I said to the Captain, "Mam, you have to admit, that was a very good come back".
- Paul Brooks
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Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see the Iraqi Air Force.
So they can see the Iraqi Air Force.
- Jason Penix
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While stationed aboard the USS Sellers (DDG-11)(Destroyer Guided Missle. In the Division I was in we stood security watches.
I remember one of my shipmates tried to wake up this guy for the Mid-Watch(12:00am to 4:00am). The guy was awakened when he was shakened,and told he had the watch.
He stated, "no, I don't go check the Watch Bill (Watch Assignment Sheet)."
The guy on watch checked the Watch Bill and realized that he had awakened the wrong man.
He went back to the guy he had awakened and said to him, "you are right you don't have the Mid-Watch."
I remember one of my shipmates tried to wake up this guy for the Mid-Watch(12:00am to 4:00am). The guy was awakened when he was shakened,and told he had the watch.
He stated, "no, I don't go check the Watch Bill (Watch Assignment Sheet)."
The guy on watch checked the Watch Bill and realized that he had awakened the wrong man.
He went back to the guy he had awakened and said to him, "you are right you don't have the Mid-Watch."
- MR1 JOSEPH CLAY USNR(RET.)
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What is the difference between an Iraqi tank & a Hoover Vacuum?
Answer: A Hoover only holds one dirt bag!
Answer: A Hoover only holds one dirt bag!
- Mike Fontaine
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JOA Diane went to sick bay after a fall on an icy patch in front of her barracks.
An X-ray determined she had a broken thumb on her right hand. The duty doctor had the corpsman put her hand and her forearm in a cast. She was told to return in 45 days. When she returned, the corpsman sawed off the cast, re-x-rayed her hand, and presented her and her X-ray to the duty doctor .
The doctor picked up her thumb, pressed down on one area and asked, "Does it hurt here?" ... "No!" she replied. He pressed another part of her thumb. "Hurt here?" ... "No!" she replied. "Here?" he asked. She said, "No!" Well, I guess it's all healed up.
JOA Diane couldn't stand it anymore and said, "It wasn't my left thumb, Doctor -- it was my right!!!
She walked out of sick bay that day with another cast -- this time she had a cast from her thumb all the way back to her elbow!
I guess it doesn't pay to have a sense of humor.
An X-ray determined she had a broken thumb on her right hand. The duty doctor had the corpsman put her hand and her forearm in a cast. She was told to return in 45 days. When she returned, the corpsman sawed off the cast, re-x-rayed her hand, and presented her and her X-ray to the duty doctor .
The doctor picked up her thumb, pressed down on one area and asked, "Does it hurt here?" ... "No!" she replied. He pressed another part of her thumb. "Hurt here?" ... "No!" she replied. "Here?" he asked. She said, "No!" Well, I guess it's all healed up.
JOA Diane couldn't stand it anymore and said, "It wasn't my left thumb, Doctor -- it was my right!!!
She walked out of sick bay that day with another cast -- this time she had a cast from her thumb all the way back to her elbow!
I guess it doesn't pay to have a sense of humor.
- Diane (Sculuca) Diamond
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The base Commanding General was coming to inspect the training company before graduation.
Not to be surprised by his arrival, the Drill Sergeant sent Private Snuffy to an over watch position on a hill to radio when the General's car was approaching.
As sometimes happens, the CG was running late. &Nbsp; The Drill Sergeant called up looking for the CG. Not in sight came back the report, 15 minutes later the same call and report, another 15 minutes the same report.
Private Snuffy fell asleep and as luck would have it the CG spotted him on his way to the inspection. He approach the soldier, and had his aide wake him up.
The soldier remained seated on the ground so the CG asked if he knew who he was.
The Pvt. replied no.
The aide said "Pvt. this is the CG".
The Pvt. said well its about time you got here, you better get your butt to the inspection, the Drill Sergeant has called up here for you three times already.
Not to be surprised by his arrival, the Drill Sergeant sent Private Snuffy to an over watch position on a hill to radio when the General's car was approaching.
As sometimes happens, the CG was running late. &Nbsp; The Drill Sergeant called up looking for the CG. Not in sight came back the report, 15 minutes later the same call and report, another 15 minutes the same report.
Private Snuffy fell asleep and as luck would have it the CG spotted him on his way to the inspection. He approach the soldier, and had his aide wake him up.
The soldier remained seated on the ground so the CG asked if he knew who he was.
The Pvt. replied no.
The aide said "Pvt. this is the CG".
The Pvt. said well its about time you got here, you better get your butt to the inspection, the Drill Sergeant has called up here for you three times already.
- jon ladd
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As a medic at a popular military hospital, I was assigned to transport a corpse to the morgue.
I engaged a strong corpsman to assist me. When we put the body on the gurney, I proceded to strap it down. But mister macho informed me that there was no need to strap the body down because it wasn't "going anywhere."
In my experience with corpses, I knew that occasionally air was expelled during movement. Eventually, while transporting the corpse with only the lower extremities strapped down, on the way to the morgue, going down an incline, the gurney hit a bump.
Immediately, air was expelled from the corpse and the upper part of the body sat straight up on the gurney. To this day, I don't know where that corpsman disappeared to. I never saw him again.
I engaged a strong corpsman to assist me. When we put the body on the gurney, I proceded to strap it down. But mister macho informed me that there was no need to strap the body down because it wasn't "going anywhere."
In my experience with corpses, I knew that occasionally air was expelled during movement. Eventually, while transporting the corpse with only the lower extremities strapped down, on the way to the morgue, going down an incline, the gurney hit a bump.
Immediately, air was expelled from the corpse and the upper part of the body sat straight up on the gurney. To this day, I don't know where that corpsman disappeared to. I never saw him again.
- Rosalie Goosby
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After several weeks at sea, a Naval vessel finally moors for some long overdue liberty and as is customary, every sailor aboard hit shore like starving lions with a pocket full of pay. After a week of liberty, a Third Class Petty Officer (PO3-E4) returns to base with his last few dollars and decides to stop at the enlisted mans club for one last beer before returning to the ship broke.
As he approaches the bartender, the PO3 notices a one-foot tall man on the bar playing brilliantly on a comparable sized piano. The young sailor asks the bartender, "Where the hell did you find this little ivory pounder anyway?"
The barkeep replies "Oh, a Marine Corporal stopped in on his way back to the States from Iraq and talked me into buying a magic lamp he found. The only problem is the Genie inside is hard of hearing and will only grant one wish so I made my wish and tossed the lamp out back in the dumpster."
The Petty Officer asks, "Do you mind if I get the lamp and give it a try?"
The bartender replies, "I don't recommend it, but you do what you want." The PO3 goes back to the dumpster, finds the lamp, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
The Genie says "For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you one wish." The
PO3 says, "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly overhead the sky darkens and the air is filled with deafening flapping and quacking sounds as a million ducks circle looking for a place to land.
The PO3 goes back into the bar disappointed and says to the bartender, "you weren't kidding about that Genie. I wished for a million bucks and instead got a million ducks!"
The bartender replied, "Well, you don't really think I wished for a 12 inch Pianist, do you?"
As he approaches the bartender, the PO3 notices a one-foot tall man on the bar playing brilliantly on a comparable sized piano. The young sailor asks the bartender, "Where the hell did you find this little ivory pounder anyway?"
The barkeep replies "Oh, a Marine Corporal stopped in on his way back to the States from Iraq and talked me into buying a magic lamp he found. The only problem is the Genie inside is hard of hearing and will only grant one wish so I made my wish and tossed the lamp out back in the dumpster."
The Petty Officer asks, "Do you mind if I get the lamp and give it a try?"
The bartender replies, "I don't recommend it, but you do what you want." The PO3 goes back to the dumpster, finds the lamp, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
The Genie says "For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you one wish." The
PO3 says, "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly overhead the sky darkens and the air is filled with deafening flapping and quacking sounds as a million ducks circle looking for a place to land.
The PO3 goes back into the bar disappointed and says to the bartender, "you weren't kidding about that Genie. I wished for a million bucks and instead got a million ducks!"
The bartender replied, "Well, you don't really think I wished for a 12 inch Pianist, do you?"
- Bill
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While standing starboard watch aboard a Destroyer
during rough seas, the ship was going over large
waves and splashing a lot of water over the watch
bridge.
If timed right (about 6 sec.), I could duck low behind the bulkhead and let the water splash over me and stay dry.
One wave hit and I didn't want to wait the 6 seconds and I ducked down early. The officer of the deck stepped out of the bridge into the open and asked, "What are you doing down there sailor?".
At that instant the wave got there and soaked the officer through.
"Trying to stay dry sir!", was my reply.
He turned to the BM and screamed, "Get these lookouts inside!!"
If timed right (about 6 sec.), I could duck low behind the bulkhead and let the water splash over me and stay dry.
One wave hit and I didn't want to wait the 6 seconds and I ducked down early. The officer of the deck stepped out of the bridge into the open and asked, "What are you doing down there sailor?".
At that instant the wave got there and soaked the officer through.
"Trying to stay dry sir!", was my reply.
He turned to the BM and screamed, "Get these lookouts inside!!"
- Gary J. Hart
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