Already have an account? Sign In.
MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
Sort Jokes By
| Most Recent | Rank |
I was in charge of a detail at the airstrip on base when I overheard this between the Officer-in-Charge, a Major who was known on the base to be a real SOB, and a pilot calling in over the radio.
Pilot: This is Captain Scott making a emergency landing.
Major: Circle the field and use proper radio procedures.
Pilot: To hell with procedures, I'm coming down now.
Major: Captain, I have some words for you when you land on using proper procedures.
Captain: I have some words for you also Major.
The Major, really PO'ed ran out to the landed aircraft only to see a NAVY Captain get off the aircraft. 'Nuff said.
Pilot: This is Captain Scott making a emergency landing.
Major: Circle the field and use proper radio procedures.
Pilot: To hell with procedures, I'm coming down now.
Major: Captain, I have some words for you when you land on using proper procedures.
Captain: I have some words for you also Major.
The Major, really PO'ed ran out to the landed aircraft only to see a NAVY Captain get off the aircraft. 'Nuff said.
- Paul Callahan
|
|||
A colonel and a captain were walking down the sidewalk on an army post. Enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers,and the officers returned the salute.
The captain exclaims, "You too".
The colonel wondered what it meant but said nothing. A while later, more enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers and the officers returned the salute.
The captain again says, "you too".
For a third time, enlisted personnel neared close and saluted the officers. The officers returned the salute.
The captain again says, "You too".
The colonel wheels around and asks the captain, "Captain, what in the hell is this 'you too' business?"
The captain replies, "Sir,I used to be an enlisted man. I know what those guys are thinking".
The captain exclaims, "You too".
The colonel wondered what it meant but said nothing. A while later, more enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers and the officers returned the salute.
The captain again says, "you too".
For a third time, enlisted personnel neared close and saluted the officers. The officers returned the salute.
The captain again says, "You too".
The colonel wheels around and asks the captain, "Captain, what in the hell is this 'you too' business?"
The captain replies, "Sir,I used to be an enlisted man. I know what those guys are thinking".
- Bruce Matthew(Vietnam Vet)
|
|||
As a PFC Training with the 32nd.Division in Louisiana, after being called to Federal Duty, We were residents in a Tent City, with Would Stoves in our Tents,and not very cozy.
At the end of the "Company Street" was a small building,housing the "Johns",and Showers.(Coal fired).
After to many Days of a shortage of Hot Water for Showers,it was my Honor to draw "Latrine Duty 11",and,The Company CO.insisted on Hot Water.
Having had Grandparents,who had Coal Stoves,I took down all the Stacking,and cleaned the Grates,so I could produce Hot Water.The result was,the Boiler was really putting out Hot Water,
Moments after the Troops were dismissed from Formation,and heading for Showers,the Boiler Blew,and flattened the "Outhouse".
Needless to say,I expected the Wrath of our CO.,who did have a "Short Fuse";however,His reaction was,"I wanted Hot Water,and By----,I got it!!".
He understood,I did not know about "Safety Valves",and Had I,it wouldn't have made a difference,because the one on the Boiler,failed to work.
At the end of the "Company Street" was a small building,housing the "Johns",and Showers.(Coal fired).
After to many Days of a shortage of Hot Water for Showers,it was my Honor to draw "Latrine Duty 11",and,The Company CO.insisted on Hot Water.
Having had Grandparents,who had Coal Stoves,I took down all the Stacking,and cleaned the Grates,so I could produce Hot Water.The result was,the Boiler was really putting out Hot Water,
Moments after the Troops were dismissed from Formation,and heading for Showers,the Boiler Blew,and flattened the "Outhouse".
Needless to say,I expected the Wrath of our CO.,who did have a "Short Fuse";however,His reaction was,"I wanted Hot Water,and By----,I got it!!".
He understood,I did not know about "Safety Valves",and Had I,it wouldn't have made a difference,because the one on the Boiler,failed to work.
- Lt Col. Wm.A.Sikkel (AUS/RET)
|
|||
While at Marine Basic in San Diego, in 1956, we were preparing for an IG inspection.
Our DI told us that if we were asked a question during this inspection and did not know the answer, we should say, "I do not know Sir, but I will look it up"
So day of inspection the Inspecting General was walking the ranks and this one Marine was very nervous and sweating.
The IG asked "When was the last time you brushed your teeth, son?"
The private came back very quickly with "I do not know sir, but I will look it up!"
Our DI told us that if we were asked a question during this inspection and did not know the answer, we should say, "I do not know Sir, but I will look it up"
So day of inspection the Inspecting General was walking the ranks and this one Marine was very nervous and sweating.
The IG asked "When was the last time you brushed your teeth, son?"
The private came back very quickly with "I do not know sir, but I will look it up!"
- Wayne Fink
|
|||
On maneuvers in Florida, an Army Sergeant ordered a Private under his command to fetch a bucket of water from a nearby river. The moment the Private tried to dip out a bucketful, about 20 alligators poked their snouts out of the water right in front of him and tried to eat the Private.
When the Private arrived back before the Sergeant with the still-empty bucket, the Sergeant asked the Private why he'd been unable to get the water.
The Private replied, "Well, Sarge, if those Alligators had been as much a-scared of me as I was of them, that water wouldn't have been fit to drink anyway."
(This was one of the favorite jokes of my brother in law, Master Sergeant James R. Holloway, U.S.Army of Occupation, Germany, Korea, Vietnam, and before his death, an auxiliary Colorado Ranger.)
When the Private arrived back before the Sergeant with the still-empty bucket, the Sergeant asked the Private why he'd been unable to get the water.
The Private replied, "Well, Sarge, if those Alligators had been as much a-scared of me as I was of them, that water wouldn't have been fit to drink anyway."
(This was one of the favorite jokes of my brother in law, Master Sergeant James R. Holloway, U.S.Army of Occupation, Germany, Korea, Vietnam, and before his death, an auxiliary Colorado Ranger.)
- James C. Neel
|
|||
An Important Phone Call
The Colonel was on the phone on what looked like a very important call.
"Yes, Mr. President, Thank you for your confidence in me. Yes Sir, I will do well as your General. Yes Sir, I know you will promote me."
About that time a Sergeant came in and heard what was going on.
The Colonel hung up the phone and said to the Sergeant, "What do you want, Sergeant?! Can't you see I was on an important phone call!"
The Sergeant replied, "Sorry sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone."
The Colonel was on the phone on what looked like a very important call.
"Yes, Mr. President, Thank you for your confidence in me. Yes Sir, I will do well as your General. Yes Sir, I know you will promote me."
About that time a Sergeant came in and heard what was going on.
The Colonel hung up the phone and said to the Sergeant, "What do you want, Sergeant?! Can't you see I was on an important phone call!"
The Sergeant replied, "Sorry sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone."
- Al Stuckey
|
|||
Capt. Jack (Killer) Kane, United States Marine Corps. was still alive in 2004 after crash landing his corsair fighter in the jungle on an island which was on nobody's maps. He was totally self sufficient after 60 years alone.
One morning he noticed something in the ocean as he walked along the beach. Soon a stunning blonde in a wet suit came striding out of the surf. Jack Kane was pretty surprised that it took sixty years for someone to find him.
The girl was totally blown away. "This island was not known until just last year," she said. "I was sent to explore it for NASA. What are you doing here and how long have you been here?"
"Back in 1944" he said, "I was jumped by twelve Japanese zeros while flying patrol in my Corsair. I shot down all of them, but they got my engine and I crash-landed in the jungle. And what the hell is NASA?"
"My God!" gasped the girl. "You've been here since World War Two. That's incredible!"
"Yeah, I guess so," said Jack. "Is the war over? I hope we won."
The blonde shook her head. "I can't believe this. How old are you?"
"Well," said Jack, "I was 20 back in 44. I guess that would make me about 80."
She looked at him a long time. "I feel so sorry for you," she said. "Is there anything you want that I could give you?"
"You wouldn't happen to have a cigarette?" he said. "I haven't had a smoke in all these years."
"Say no more," she said. She pulled a pack of Marlboros out of wet suit and gave them to him and lit one for him. "Anything else?" she asked.
"Well," he said, exhaling a plume of smoke. "I haven't hada drink in all that time either."
"Say no more," she said, pulling a small flask out another pocket.
"Do you like single malt scotch?" Jack took a long swig, and said,"you are truly an angel."
She said,"and you are an amazingly young and handsome man for your age." She started to zip down the front of her wet suit. "Would you like to play around?"
"Lady," Jack said, "If you have a set of clubs in that suit, I'll have to see them to believe it."
One morning he noticed something in the ocean as he walked along the beach. Soon a stunning blonde in a wet suit came striding out of the surf. Jack Kane was pretty surprised that it took sixty years for someone to find him.
The girl was totally blown away. "This island was not known until just last year," she said. "I was sent to explore it for NASA. What are you doing here and how long have you been here?"
"Back in 1944" he said, "I was jumped by twelve Japanese zeros while flying patrol in my Corsair. I shot down all of them, but they got my engine and I crash-landed in the jungle. And what the hell is NASA?"
"My God!" gasped the girl. "You've been here since World War Two. That's incredible!"
"Yeah, I guess so," said Jack. "Is the war over? I hope we won."
The blonde shook her head. "I can't believe this. How old are you?"
"Well," said Jack, "I was 20 back in 44. I guess that would make me about 80."
She looked at him a long time. "I feel so sorry for you," she said. "Is there anything you want that I could give you?"
"You wouldn't happen to have a cigarette?" he said. "I haven't had a smoke in all these years."
"Say no more," she said. She pulled a pack of Marlboros out of wet suit and gave them to him and lit one for him. "Anything else?" she asked.
"Well," he said, exhaling a plume of smoke. "I haven't hada drink in all that time either."
"Say no more," she said, pulling a small flask out another pocket.
"Do you like single malt scotch?" Jack took a long swig, and said,"you are truly an angel."
She said,"and you are an amazingly young and handsome man for your age." She started to zip down the front of her wet suit. "Would you like to play around?"
"Lady," Jack said, "If you have a set of clubs in that suit, I'll have to see them to believe it."
- Carl A. Group
|
|||
At an elementary school in Indiana, a teacher asks her students to come to class the next day with a story about something that happened to them, and what was the moral of it.
The next day the kids came to class. The teacher calls on the first student who says, "Well, my sister was carrying all the eggs from the chicken coop in one basket, then the bottom fell out, and a lot of them broke. So the morale is never put all your eggs in one basket."
The teacher then called on the next student who said, "We planned on loading up the wagon, so we got everything set up on the cart, then went to find that our horse was sick. So the moral is never put the cart before the horse."
The teacher then called on the next student who said, "Well my Uncle Joe was flying his Apache in Iraq when he was shot down. All he could get out of the chopper was his rifle, knife and a bottle of whiskey.
He was surrounded by 100 Iraqis, and decided that there was no way he would let them get his whiskey, so he drank it. With his rifle he killed 70 Iraqis until he ran out of ammunition. Then he started running around with his knife, killing 20 more until the knife broke. Then with his bare hands he killed the last ten"
Mortified, the teacher asked, "What could possibly be the moral of this story?"
The student then answered, "That's easy. The moral is never mess with Uncle Joe when he's been drinking."
The next day the kids came to class. The teacher calls on the first student who says, "Well, my sister was carrying all the eggs from the chicken coop in one basket, then the bottom fell out, and a lot of them broke. So the morale is never put all your eggs in one basket."
The teacher then called on the next student who said, "We planned on loading up the wagon, so we got everything set up on the cart, then went to find that our horse was sick. So the moral is never put the cart before the horse."
The teacher then called on the next student who said, "Well my Uncle Joe was flying his Apache in Iraq when he was shot down. All he could get out of the chopper was his rifle, knife and a bottle of whiskey.
He was surrounded by 100 Iraqis, and decided that there was no way he would let them get his whiskey, so he drank it. With his rifle he killed 70 Iraqis until he ran out of ammunition. Then he started running around with his knife, killing 20 more until the knife broke. Then with his bare hands he killed the last ten"
Mortified, the teacher asked, "What could possibly be the moral of this story?"
The student then answered, "That's easy. The moral is never mess with Uncle Joe when he's been drinking."
- Jim
|
|||
A Navy Chaplain, a USAF Doctor & a Marine "JAG" officer (Lawyer) were in a boat near an island, had lost their oars, and their boat was surrounded by sharks.
They determined that for two of them to make it to the island, one was going to have to swim away from the boat as a distraction out towards the open sea, while the other two swam for the island.
The JAG officer said, "I'll do it", and he jumped over board. He quickly swam away while the other two jumped in on the other side of the boat & headed strong for the island. The two made it and looked towards the open sea to see how the other man was doing.
To their surprise, the JAG officer was riding the back of a shark! The shark then dropped him off at the island. The JAG Officer then waved to the sharks who swim away.
The Chaplain said, "It's a miracle!"
The Doctor said, "Medically, I just don't understand how you pulled that trick off!"
To which the JAG Officer replied, "Nah, it was just a professional courtesy."
They determined that for two of them to make it to the island, one was going to have to swim away from the boat as a distraction out towards the open sea, while the other two swam for the island.
The JAG officer said, "I'll do it", and he jumped over board. He quickly swam away while the other two jumped in on the other side of the boat & headed strong for the island. The two made it and looked towards the open sea to see how the other man was doing.
To their surprise, the JAG officer was riding the back of a shark! The shark then dropped him off at the island. The JAG Officer then waved to the sharks who swim away.
The Chaplain said, "It's a miracle!"
The Doctor said, "Medically, I just don't understand how you pulled that trick off!"
To which the JAG Officer replied, "Nah, it was just a professional courtesy."
- ROBERT GWIN
|
|||
Two younger Marines took their raged Sgt Maj out to the bars while on deployment. As the two younger men danced, and woman in her late twenties approached the old Leatherneck.
"So are you here to knock boots?" she asked.
He replied, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
She then said, "You know, get freaky!"
Again the old Sgt Maj exclaimed his confusion.
Finally, she yelled, "SEX I mean sex. Man, when was the last time you got laid?".
The Sgt Maj said simply "1959."
The girl quietly said, "You poor thing, it has been so long."
The Sgt Maj says, "What the hell are you talking about? It's only 2130 now!"
"So are you here to knock boots?" she asked.
He replied, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
She then said, "You know, get freaky!"
Again the old Sgt Maj exclaimed his confusion.
Finally, she yelled, "SEX I mean sex. Man, when was the last time you got laid?".
The Sgt Maj said simply "1959."
The girl quietly said, "You poor thing, it has been so long."
The Sgt Maj says, "What the hell are you talking about? It's only 2130 now!"
- Weaver
|
|||
During WWII a private, stationed on an Island in the Pacific,
was being reprimanded for insubordination to a Shavetail
Lt.. based on charges brought up by the newly assigned
officer.
When called to testify the Private's Sergeant said that he had indeed heard the young Private shouting at the LT calling him a dumb son-of-a-bitch.
The Sergeant was asked to describe where he was in proximity to the incident when it occured.
He said, very nearby.. within earshot.. just over the hill a ways. "But I was unable get to them before they dispersed" he added.
Then how, the Sergeant was aked, could you tell that it was the Private doing the speaking?
The Sergeant responded that he knew the private well and recognized his voice.
If you could not see the Private from where you were standing, how do you know he was shouting at the Lt in question? the Sergeant was asked.
That's simple sir, the Sergeant responded. The Lt. was the only dumb son-of-a-bitch on the island at the time of the incident.
----------
This joke was told to me by my Sergeant Major, Charles Petrie, back in the early 70s. Steve Millman, former SSG, US Army
When called to testify the Private's Sergeant said that he had indeed heard the young Private shouting at the LT calling him a dumb son-of-a-bitch.
The Sergeant was asked to describe where he was in proximity to the incident when it occured.
He said, very nearby.. within earshot.. just over the hill a ways. "But I was unable get to them before they dispersed" he added.
Then how, the Sergeant was aked, could you tell that it was the Private doing the speaking?
The Sergeant responded that he knew the private well and recognized his voice.
If you could not see the Private from where you were standing, how do you know he was shouting at the Lt in question? the Sergeant was asked.
That's simple sir, the Sergeant responded. The Lt. was the only dumb son-of-a-bitch on the island at the time of the incident.
----------
This joke was told to me by my Sergeant Major, Charles Petrie, back in the early 70s. Steve Millman, former SSG, US Army
- Steve Millman
|
|||
A young male soldier was shipped out to Iraq.
When he got there he checked the place out & wondered what do you do if you get horney.
Finally he walked up to one of his buddies.
"I have an odd question," he said, "What do you guys do when you get horney around here?"
"Oh, there's a camel out back." he replied.
'Oh he's just teasing the soldier thought. So later he approached another buddy.
"Mind if I ask," he said, "but what do you do when you get horney around here?"
"Well, there's a camel out back." the guy replied.
'Okay I know the Sarg will be serious. I'll ask him.' he thought. He went up to the Sargeant and asked him, "Sir I have an odd, personal question; what do you guys do when you get horney around here?"
"There's a camel out back boy." he answered.
'Alright' he said to himself.
Later that night some of the men were awoke by the most awful, sick sounding noises, and the Saregeant went out to see what it was. He saw the soldier and said "What the hell are you doing you idiot?! You're supposed to ride the camel to the bar in town!"
When he got there he checked the place out & wondered what do you do if you get horney.
Finally he walked up to one of his buddies.
"I have an odd question," he said, "What do you guys do when you get horney around here?"
"Oh, there's a camel out back." he replied.
'Oh he's just teasing the soldier thought. So later he approached another buddy.
"Mind if I ask," he said, "but what do you do when you get horney around here?"
"Well, there's a camel out back." the guy replied.
'Okay I know the Sarg will be serious. I'll ask him.' he thought. He went up to the Sargeant and asked him, "Sir I have an odd, personal question; what do you guys do when you get horney around here?"
"There's a camel out back boy." he answered.
'Alright' he said to himself.
Later that night some of the men were awoke by the most awful, sick sounding noises, and the Saregeant went out to see what it was. He saw the soldier and said "What the hell are you doing you idiot?! You're supposed to ride the camel to the bar in town!"
- Bob S
|
|||
The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got
that chicken farm he always wanted. He took with
him his lifelong pet parrot named Sam.
First morning at 04:30 Sam squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"
The old Chief told Sam, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."
The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old chief told Sam, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."
Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot out in the chicken pen.
About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. Sam had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 badly bruised and beaten brown chickens.
Sam was yelling, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!!"
First morning at 04:30 Sam squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"
The old Chief told Sam, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."
The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old chief told Sam, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."
Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot out in the chicken pen.
About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. Sam had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 badly bruised and beaten brown chickens.
Sam was yelling, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!!"
- Joe G Inocencio Msg(Ret)
|
|||
Two Army quartermaster soldiers were talking (1 male, 1 female-blonde). "I know how to get some time off from duty," said the male soldier.
"How do you think you will do that?" asked the blonde soldier.
He then proceeded to show her... by climbing up on the warehouse rafters and hanging upside down.
The Captain walked in, saw the soldier hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb, Sir" answered the soldier.
"I think you need some time off," said the Captain. So, the soldier jumped down and walked out of the warehouse.
And the blonde soldier began walking out too. The Captain asked her where did she think she was going?
"To the barracks, Sir! I can't work in the dark".
"How do you think you will do that?" asked the blonde soldier.
He then proceeded to show her... by climbing up on the warehouse rafters and hanging upside down.
The Captain walked in, saw the soldier hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb, Sir" answered the soldier.
"I think you need some time off," said the Captain. So, the soldier jumped down and walked out of the warehouse.
And the blonde soldier began walking out too. The Captain asked her where did she think she was going?
"To the barracks, Sir! I can't work in the dark".
- Jose G Inocencio Msg USA Ret
|
|||
"The Old Veteran"
A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $8000 and feels great about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl,"How old do you think I am?"
"I guess about 29."
The woman excitedly replies, "Nope, I'm 47!"
Now she's feeling really great about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way . . . down the street . . . asking everyone her question.
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old Veteran the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." The Veteran slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this she says "Okay, okay, that's enough, .....how old am I?"
The old Veteran completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible! How could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?"
The old Veteran replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
- Jack Schrenker
|
|||
Flag Joke
Please let us know why you believe this joke is inappropriate and we'll look into it.
Edit Your Joke
Explore VetFriends.com
Click on a section to see all of VetFriends.com's Features.