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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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When WWII ended, all soldiers overseas wanted to come home right away. There were not enough ships available for such a monumental effort. The War Department understood the mood of their soldiers and went to great lengths to make waiting their turn easier. In Italy, a local guide was hired to take soldiers on tours of local sights to entertain and keep them occupied. On one particular day, the walking tour crested a very high hill overlooking a long valley of olive trees. The guide explained how many trees, how much olive oil could be pressed, etc. A loud voice from the rear interrupted, "Pardner, we got more olive trees and oil in the Texas Rio Grande valley". Continuing on up to the top of the next hill overlooking a very large valley filled with luscious grape vineyards. Again, the guide explained about the grapes and the large quantities of wine that could be pressed. The loud voice blasted from the rear, "Pardner, we got more grapes in our backyards back in Texas. Faithfully, the now weary guide led the group up the third hill and there in the distance was Mt Etna, spewing forth hot lava and burning ashes. Explaining how large the volcano and the amount of lava and heat generated from it, the guide concluded, "I suppose that you have a much larger and hotter volcano in Texas". The loud voice from the rear replied, "Pardner, we ain't got no volcanoes in Texas at all, but I bet the Ft Worth Fire Department can put that bugger out in 20 minutes.
- Garland Carr
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A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule AFB,Greenland,at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to base,and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base, and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hanger, which take even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slow) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished".
Shivering in the cold, his task finished. He takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect,I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one strip; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump out the toilet from your aircraft.... Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
The young man finally gets to the air base, and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hanger, which take even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slow) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished".
Shivering in the cold, his task finished. He takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect,I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one strip; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump out the toilet from your aircraft.... Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
- Jose G Inocencio Msg USA Ret
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A new butterbar had just completed training and was finally given his own platoon. Still fresh in the army, he was curious of things that weren't brought up in training. He went to the Company commander for his inbrief and spoke little. Then he went to the platoon sergeant and talked even longer. They talked about almost everything. RichEditWindowThen almost ready to go home for the day, his last stop was top, (1SG).
Top was kicked back and welcomed the young officer in, and quickly told him the true ways of the army. When he was finished, the 1SG asked if there was anything else the LT would like to know. Where did officer rank come from top?
The 1SG Smiled, and began.. "1 really is a foundation of America. 1 gold bar is like you.. valuable, yet able to be shaped and molded. Malable. Just like a 2nd LT. A silver bar is someone who is valuable, but who has been in for a while and almost set in there ways. They are less malable or shapable, so they are silver. Captin, 2 silver bars, cuz he is set in his ways, and twice as valuable, but not as malable as gold. Colonel, a silver eagle. The symbol of a true patriot. Someone who has given most of there life and set in their ways. And what is higher that an eagle, that stars. Just the generals." He smiled and the LT new he was in the presence of greatness.
"Wait top, you forgot major and LT.Colonel!" "Oh, yeah, well that goes back to biblical times, when God gave men leaves to cover their pricks"......
Top was kicked back and welcomed the young officer in, and quickly told him the true ways of the army. When he was finished, the 1SG asked if there was anything else the LT would like to know. Where did officer rank come from top?
The 1SG Smiled, and began.. "1 really is a foundation of America. 1 gold bar is like you.. valuable, yet able to be shaped and molded. Malable. Just like a 2nd LT. A silver bar is someone who is valuable, but who has been in for a while and almost set in there ways. They are less malable or shapable, so they are silver. Captin, 2 silver bars, cuz he is set in his ways, and twice as valuable, but not as malable as gold. Colonel, a silver eagle. The symbol of a true patriot. Someone who has given most of there life and set in their ways. And what is higher that an eagle, that stars. Just the generals." He smiled and the LT new he was in the presence of greatness.
"Wait top, you forgot major and LT.Colonel!" "Oh, yeah, well that goes back to biblical times, when God gave men leaves to cover their pricks"......
- Scott
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- NA
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Early 1969 we had been in Germany, Reforger I, for approximately 4 months. On the day we were to catch a plain, to return Stateside, we caught a bus in Graf during the worst blizzard I have ever seen. We were lined up outside the barracks and could barely see the Chief standing in front of the formation. Prior to getting on the bus a battalion Sgt. Major approached and proceeded to instruct us as to the procedure for boarding the bus, to include each of us receiving a number, to keep easier count, and not searching for the best seating. We couldn't have 40 guys wandering around on the bus trying to get a window seat now could we! Once we were on the bus and seated the Sgt. Major came on board and proceeded to let us know he was not in the mood for clowning around. He told us he will be calling our numbers out and for us to just answer up and not try to be funny. He started to call out numbers; 1...here was the answer, 2......nothing, 2......still nothing, all right GOD DAMMIT____I SAID 2!! Our armor was sitting to the Sgt. Majors left listening to all this, then he reached out and tugged on the Sgt. Major's trousers and whispered............. "Your number 2"! After that the Sgt. Major didn't miss a beat..... 3..... here, 4.......... here.........
- Wally Christina/'68-'70 Army
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I was at this colonel's house and noticed a pig, in the colonel's yard, with a wooden leg. I asked "Colonel, what is that pig doing with a wooden leg?" The Colonel said "son, this is the smartest pig in the world. A year ago, my house burned to the ground, and this pig went into my house and woke me up, along with my wife and eight kids, and no one even got burned." I said "That is amazing, but it don't tell me why he has a wooden leg." The Colonel said " son, when you've got a pig that smart, you don't eat him all at once!"
- Dixon
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An excited Army recruit asked his company commander for an immediate furlough-his wife was going to have a baby. Permission was granted, and when the furlough papers were drawn up and the soldier was leaving, the officer asked exactly when the baby was due. "About nine months after I get home, sir," replied the recruit casually.
- Carin
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2 marines were at war and got sepperated from their platoon, as they were walking they heared someone walking in the bushes, they stopped and aked "who goes there"? they here a yell "I am an american,i lost my convoy".
so all 3 of them were walking then they found a lamp as they rubed it a ginni puffed out and said "you've woken me I can grant you each 1 wish since there is 3 of you" one of the marines said I wish two be home with my family, so puff he went home, the other marine said I wish I could find my platoon and puff he was gone, then the army man said I am shure going to miss thoughs guy's I wish they were back.
- sam ogas
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2 Marines were at war and got separated from their platoon, as they were walking they heard someone walking in the bushes, they stopped and asked "who goes there"? They hear a yell "I am an American,I lost my convoy".
So all 3 of them were walking then they found a lamp as they rubbed it a Jeannie puffed out and said "you've woken me I can grant you each 1 wish since there are 3 of you." One of the Marines said I wish to be home with my family, so puff he went home; the other Marine said I wish I could find my platoon and puff he was gone; then the lost Marine said I am sure going to miss those guys I wish they were back...........
So all 3 of them were walking then they found a lamp as they rubbed it a Jeannie puffed out and said "you've woken me I can grant you each 1 wish since there are 3 of you." One of the Marines said I wish to be home with my family, so puff he went home; the other Marine said I wish I could find my platoon and puff he was gone; then the lost Marine said I am sure going to miss those guys I wish they were back...........
- sam ogas
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One sailor was telling the other of his date with the admiral's daughter, a beautiful young lady whom everyone wanted to date. "We stopped up by the lake, and she said if I would put the top down on the car, she would let me kiss her. Boy, I got that top down in 15 minutes". "That's nothing", said the second sailor, "I can get the top down on MY car in 10 seconds". "Sure", replied the first, "YOU'VE got a CONVERTIBLE"
- Sam Eads
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One day little Jonny went to grandmas house and was drinking her coffee like she does every moring. Well later that day Jonny asked if he could fix her a cup and she said ok thinking that was nice of him to ask. So she sat down and Jonny comes in with the cup of coffee happy as he could be. So Grandma takes a drink and boy that was the worst cup of coffee she had ever tasted. But she smiled and said wow thats good. So she smiled and finished the last drop of the cold tastless cup of coffee,and as she got to the bottom she notice little green thing at the bottom of the cup. She pull on out and notice that it was a platstice green army man and said Jonny why is this man at the bottom of my cup. And he said you know grandma it's like the t.v. said "the best part of wakeing up is soliders in your cup"
- Baker
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A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
- Darnell M
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One week in the field, a sergeant told a pvt to go to the river and get some water, im sorry sarg i just can't there are gators in the river and im scared of them things the sergeant replied: pvt them gators are just as scared of you as you are of them, the pvt replied point made sarg, if that is the case then the water isn't fit for anything.
- ogot22
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How do you tell a 2nd Louie?
Haven't ever been able to tell them much of anything!
Haven't ever been able to tell them much of anything!
- Former USMC Sgt O'
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So why is the person who is watched over the most,and always told what to do,called a "Private"?
- Former USMC Sgt O'
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