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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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A NAVY CAPTAIN AND HIS WIFE DECIDE TO HIT THE SACK.AFTER THEY ARE SETTLED DOWN,HE STARTS RUBBING HER SHOULDER,WAITING FOR A POSITIVE RESPONCE. SHE SAYS N O T TONIGHT HON,I HAVE A GYNO EXAM TOMORROW AND I WANT TO BE F-R-E-S-H.
THE REJECTED HUSBAND TURNS OVER TO GO TO SLEEP. AFTER A FEW MUNUTES HE TURNS BACK OVER AND GIVES HIS WIFE A TAP ON THE SHOULDER AND ASKS BY CHANCE, YOU DONT HAVE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT TOMORROW DO YOU?
- Don Butler
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Drafting Guys Over 60.
This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier. New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks Im too old to track down terrorists. You cant be older than 42 to join the military. Theyve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldnt be able to join a military unit until youre at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys havent lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. My back hurts! I cant sleep, Im tired and hungry. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesnt even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, Im tired and cant sleep and since Im already up, I Mayas well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldnt spill the beans because wed forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. Were used to getting screamed and yelled at and were used to soft food. Weve also developed an appreciation for guns. Weve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. Ive been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. Ive never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. Hes still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasnt figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harms way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, which know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. Theyll have it secured the first night!
Send this to all of your senior friends its in big type so they can read it.
- John Shearer
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Why did the Navy go to the thirteen button jumpsuit? To give all women thirteen chances to say NO.
- Dan Garson
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What do the letters T.G.I.F. stand for on the inside of a Marines boot flap toung?
Toes
Go
In
First
- Apachedoc
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Why do Marines call their blade a K-Bar? Because they cant spell Ka-nife k-nife
- Tsgt USAF67
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Two airmen from NY were at the golf course near Lackland and were waiting to tee off. They started talking about being back in texas one said to the other only 2 thing come from Texas Football Players & Hookers. A full bird was standing right behind them and over heard what was said. He tapped the airmen on the back and said "My wife is from Texas".
Without blinking an eye The Airman said... "And what postion does she play!"
- Phil Cole
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A Marine was on Ebay and paid 50 dollars for a Penis Enlarger, they sent him a magnifying glass and said don't use it in the sun.
- Phil Cole
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The Best Marine Is A Submarine
- Unknown
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The Lt. Commander was in the dastardly position for a procto exam. He heard the snapping of the latex gloves, then the sklick the vaseline tube makes when the slippery stuff goes on the glove.
Then the dreaded proceedure was over.
The doctor recommends, because the prostate is unusually swollen,and needs further attention,a biopsy.
The Lt. Commander is visably shaken,and asks if he could get a second oppinion? The Dr. says sure why not? He instructed the L.C. to bend over the exam couch, and shoved 2 fingers up there.
I wonder if L.C. wanted a third opinion
- Don Butler
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A retired Admiral, to get into better shape, decided to walk 5 miles a day, when he turned 65. Now hes 97 and we don't know where the hell he is!
- Don Butler
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After a wild nite of sex, she says will you still service me like that after marriage?
The BM1 says sure will dear, if your husband doesnt object....
- Don Butler
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The printer was late and the harried Airman was running back & forth from his van into the ritzy hotel bringing in the last of the set up for a Civilian sponsored formal celebration of Veterans Day. He was under an overhang so he was not wearing his hat, and in his haste, ignoring those who were just beginning to arrive. Then a Butter Bar in his new mess dress with his 2 shiny medals, and a stunning date, approached the entrance as the airman ran back to his van for another box, not noticing the young couple. As the Airman grabbed another box, he rushed past the 2nd Lieutenant with his impressionable date on his arm who called out, Excuse me Airman, but dont we salute Officers in the Air Force ?. The haggard Airman replied yes Sir, and promptly dropped his box, came to attention and saluted the young officer, who turned and smiled to his date and then said, and so that you dont forget, youll salute 100 times, and I will count them all. The Butter Bar stood there, arms akimbo, counting away with his embarrassed date by his side, not realizing the Commands Lieutenant General had arrived, witnessing the whole affair. The Commanding General, in his uniformed splendor of 30+ years of service stepped up behind the Lieutenant and quietly said, in my Air Force we return salutes... and Ill count !
true story
The General stopped at about 18 ...
- Gina
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A pickle, a cucumber & a penis were talking about life. The cucumber said
when i get big & hard they chop me up & toss me in a salad. The pickle said
when i get big & hard they chop me & drown me in vinegar. The penis said
that is nothing compared to what im going through, when i get big & hard
they put a plastic bag over my head & put me in a dark damp cave & bang my
head against the walls until i throw up and faint
- Dr. John Knoles
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A soldier goes over the hill, rounds a corner and runs smack into the arms of an officer.
Where do you think youre going,son?, asks the officer.
Im sorry, Captain: the firefight was so heavy, I just went AWOL. What do you mean Captain? Im a General!
Wow! says the soldier.I didnt realize Id run THAT far back.
- john
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ARMY= Aint Ready to be a Marine Yet
- john
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