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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see the Iraqi Air Force.
So they can see the Iraqi Air Force.
- Jason Penix
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While stationed aboard the USS Sellers (DDG-11)(Destroyer Guided Missle. In the Division I was in we stood security watches.
I remember one of my shipmates tried to wake up this guy for the Mid-Watch(12:00am to 4:00am). The guy was awakened when he was shakened,and told he had the watch.
He stated, "no, I don't go check the Watch Bill (Watch Assignment Sheet)."
The guy on watch checked the Watch Bill and realized that he had awakened the wrong man.
He went back to the guy he had awakened and said to him, "you are right you don't have the Mid-Watch."
I remember one of my shipmates tried to wake up this guy for the Mid-Watch(12:00am to 4:00am). The guy was awakened when he was shakened,and told he had the watch.
He stated, "no, I don't go check the Watch Bill (Watch Assignment Sheet)."
The guy on watch checked the Watch Bill and realized that he had awakened the wrong man.
He went back to the guy he had awakened and said to him, "you are right you don't have the Mid-Watch."
- MR1 JOSEPH CLAY USNR(RET.)
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What is the difference between an Iraqi tank & a Hoover Vacuum?
Answer: A Hoover only holds one dirt bag!
Answer: A Hoover only holds one dirt bag!
- Mike Fontaine
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JOA Diane went to sick bay after a fall on an icy patch in front of her barracks.
An X-ray determined she had a broken thumb on her right hand. The duty doctor had the corpsman put her hand and her forearm in a cast. She was told to return in 45 days. When she returned, the corpsman sawed off the cast, re-x-rayed her hand, and presented her and her X-ray to the duty doctor .
The doctor picked up her thumb, pressed down on one area and asked, "Does it hurt here?" ... "No!" she replied. He pressed another part of her thumb. "Hurt here?" ... "No!" she replied. "Here?" he asked. She said, "No!" Well, I guess it's all healed up.
JOA Diane couldn't stand it anymore and said, "It wasn't my left thumb, Doctor -- it was my right!!!
She walked out of sick bay that day with another cast -- this time she had a cast from her thumb all the way back to her elbow!
I guess it doesn't pay to have a sense of humor.
An X-ray determined she had a broken thumb on her right hand. The duty doctor had the corpsman put her hand and her forearm in a cast. She was told to return in 45 days. When she returned, the corpsman sawed off the cast, re-x-rayed her hand, and presented her and her X-ray to the duty doctor .
The doctor picked up her thumb, pressed down on one area and asked, "Does it hurt here?" ... "No!" she replied. He pressed another part of her thumb. "Hurt here?" ... "No!" she replied. "Here?" he asked. She said, "No!" Well, I guess it's all healed up.
JOA Diane couldn't stand it anymore and said, "It wasn't my left thumb, Doctor -- it was my right!!!
She walked out of sick bay that day with another cast -- this time she had a cast from her thumb all the way back to her elbow!
I guess it doesn't pay to have a sense of humor.
- Diane (Sculuca) Diamond
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The base Commanding General was coming to inspect the training company before graduation.
Not to be surprised by his arrival, the Drill Sergeant sent Private Snuffy to an over watch position on a hill to radio when the General's car was approaching.
As sometimes happens, the CG was running late. &Nbsp; The Drill Sergeant called up looking for the CG. Not in sight came back the report, 15 minutes later the same call and report, another 15 minutes the same report.
Private Snuffy fell asleep and as luck would have it the CG spotted him on his way to the inspection. He approach the soldier, and had his aide wake him up.
The soldier remained seated on the ground so the CG asked if he knew who he was.
The Pvt. replied no.
The aide said "Pvt. this is the CG".
The Pvt. said well its about time you got here, you better get your butt to the inspection, the Drill Sergeant has called up here for you three times already.
Not to be surprised by his arrival, the Drill Sergeant sent Private Snuffy to an over watch position on a hill to radio when the General's car was approaching.
As sometimes happens, the CG was running late. &Nbsp; The Drill Sergeant called up looking for the CG. Not in sight came back the report, 15 minutes later the same call and report, another 15 minutes the same report.
Private Snuffy fell asleep and as luck would have it the CG spotted him on his way to the inspection. He approach the soldier, and had his aide wake him up.
The soldier remained seated on the ground so the CG asked if he knew who he was.
The Pvt. replied no.
The aide said "Pvt. this is the CG".
The Pvt. said well its about time you got here, you better get your butt to the inspection, the Drill Sergeant has called up here for you three times already.
- jon ladd
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As a medic at a popular military hospital, I was assigned to transport a corpse to the morgue.
I engaged a strong corpsman to assist me. When we put the body on the gurney, I proceded to strap it down. But mister macho informed me that there was no need to strap the body down because it wasn't "going anywhere."
In my experience with corpses, I knew that occasionally air was expelled during movement. Eventually, while transporting the corpse with only the lower extremities strapped down, on the way to the morgue, going down an incline, the gurney hit a bump.
Immediately, air was expelled from the corpse and the upper part of the body sat straight up on the gurney. To this day, I don't know where that corpsman disappeared to. I never saw him again.
I engaged a strong corpsman to assist me. When we put the body on the gurney, I proceded to strap it down. But mister macho informed me that there was no need to strap the body down because it wasn't "going anywhere."
In my experience with corpses, I knew that occasionally air was expelled during movement. Eventually, while transporting the corpse with only the lower extremities strapped down, on the way to the morgue, going down an incline, the gurney hit a bump.
Immediately, air was expelled from the corpse and the upper part of the body sat straight up on the gurney. To this day, I don't know where that corpsman disappeared to. I never saw him again.
- Rosalie Goosby
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After several weeks at sea, a Naval vessel finally moors for some long overdue liberty and as is customary, every sailor aboard hit shore like starving lions with a pocket full of pay. After a week of liberty, a Third Class Petty Officer (PO3-E4) returns to base with his last few dollars and decides to stop at the enlisted mans club for one last beer before returning to the ship broke.
As he approaches the bartender, the PO3 notices a one-foot tall man on the bar playing brilliantly on a comparable sized piano. The young sailor asks the bartender, "Where the hell did you find this little ivory pounder anyway?"
The barkeep replies "Oh, a Marine Corporal stopped in on his way back to the States from Iraq and talked me into buying a magic lamp he found. The only problem is the Genie inside is hard of hearing and will only grant one wish so I made my wish and tossed the lamp out back in the dumpster."
The Petty Officer asks, "Do you mind if I get the lamp and give it a try?"
The bartender replies, "I don't recommend it, but you do what you want." The PO3 goes back to the dumpster, finds the lamp, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
The Genie says "For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you one wish." The
PO3 says, "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly overhead the sky darkens and the air is filled with deafening flapping and quacking sounds as a million ducks circle looking for a place to land.
The PO3 goes back into the bar disappointed and says to the bartender, "you weren't kidding about that Genie. I wished for a million bucks and instead got a million ducks!"
The bartender replied, "Well, you don't really think I wished for a 12 inch Pianist, do you?"
As he approaches the bartender, the PO3 notices a one-foot tall man on the bar playing brilliantly on a comparable sized piano. The young sailor asks the bartender, "Where the hell did you find this little ivory pounder anyway?"
The barkeep replies "Oh, a Marine Corporal stopped in on his way back to the States from Iraq and talked me into buying a magic lamp he found. The only problem is the Genie inside is hard of hearing and will only grant one wish so I made my wish and tossed the lamp out back in the dumpster."
The Petty Officer asks, "Do you mind if I get the lamp and give it a try?"
The bartender replies, "I don't recommend it, but you do what you want." The PO3 goes back to the dumpster, finds the lamp, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
The Genie says "For freeing me from the lamp I will grant you one wish." The
PO3 says, "I wish for a million bucks!" Suddenly overhead the sky darkens and the air is filled with deafening flapping and quacking sounds as a million ducks circle looking for a place to land.
The PO3 goes back into the bar disappointed and says to the bartender, "you weren't kidding about that Genie. I wished for a million bucks and instead got a million ducks!"
The bartender replied, "Well, you don't really think I wished for a 12 inch Pianist, do you?"
- Bill
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While standing starboard watch aboard a Destroyer
during rough seas, the ship was going over large
waves and splashing a lot of water over the watch
bridge.
If timed right (about 6 sec.), I could duck low behind the bulkhead and let the water splash over me and stay dry.
One wave hit and I didn't want to wait the 6 seconds and I ducked down early. The officer of the deck stepped out of the bridge into the open and asked, "What are you doing down there sailor?".
At that instant the wave got there and soaked the officer through.
"Trying to stay dry sir!", was my reply.
He turned to the BM and screamed, "Get these lookouts inside!!"
If timed right (about 6 sec.), I could duck low behind the bulkhead and let the water splash over me and stay dry.
One wave hit and I didn't want to wait the 6 seconds and I ducked down early. The officer of the deck stepped out of the bridge into the open and asked, "What are you doing down there sailor?".
At that instant the wave got there and soaked the officer through.
"Trying to stay dry sir!", was my reply.
He turned to the BM and screamed, "Get these lookouts inside!!"
- Gary J. Hart
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I was in charge of a detail at the airstrip on base when I overheard this between the Officer-in-Charge, a Major who was known on the base to be a real SOB, and a pilot calling in over the radio.
Pilot: This is Captain Scott making a emergency landing.
Major: Circle the field and use proper radio procedures.
Pilot: To hell with procedures, I'm coming down now.
Major: Captain, I have some words for you when you land on using proper procedures.
Captain: I have some words for you also Major.
The Major, really PO'ed ran out to the landed aircraft only to see a NAVY Captain get off the aircraft. 'Nuff said.
Pilot: This is Captain Scott making a emergency landing.
Major: Circle the field and use proper radio procedures.
Pilot: To hell with procedures, I'm coming down now.
Major: Captain, I have some words for you when you land on using proper procedures.
Captain: I have some words for you also Major.
The Major, really PO'ed ran out to the landed aircraft only to see a NAVY Captain get off the aircraft. 'Nuff said.
- Paul Callahan
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A colonel and a captain were walking down the sidewalk on an army post. Enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers,and the officers returned the salute.
The captain exclaims, "You too".
The colonel wondered what it meant but said nothing. A while later, more enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers and the officers returned the salute.
The captain again says, "you too".
For a third time, enlisted personnel neared close and saluted the officers. The officers returned the salute.
The captain again says, "You too".
The colonel wheels around and asks the captain, "Captain, what in the hell is this 'you too' business?"
The captain replies, "Sir,I used to be an enlisted man. I know what those guys are thinking".
The captain exclaims, "You too".
The colonel wondered what it meant but said nothing. A while later, more enlisted personnel approached and saluted the officers and the officers returned the salute.
The captain again says, "you too".
For a third time, enlisted personnel neared close and saluted the officers. The officers returned the salute.
The captain again says, "You too".
The colonel wheels around and asks the captain, "Captain, what in the hell is this 'you too' business?"
The captain replies, "Sir,I used to be an enlisted man. I know what those guys are thinking".
- Bruce Matthew(Vietnam Vet)
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As a PFC Training with the 32nd.Division in Louisiana, after being called to Federal Duty, We were residents in a Tent City, with Would Stoves in our Tents,and not very cozy.
At the end of the "Company Street" was a small building,housing the "Johns",and Showers.(Coal fired).
After to many Days of a shortage of Hot Water for Showers,it was my Honor to draw "Latrine Duty 11",and,The Company CO.insisted on Hot Water.
Having had Grandparents,who had Coal Stoves,I took down all the Stacking,and cleaned the Grates,so I could produce Hot Water.The result was,the Boiler was really putting out Hot Water,
Moments after the Troops were dismissed from Formation,and heading for Showers,the Boiler Blew,and flattened the "Outhouse".
Needless to say,I expected the Wrath of our CO.,who did have a "Short Fuse";however,His reaction was,"I wanted Hot Water,and By----,I got it!!".
He understood,I did not know about "Safety Valves",and Had I,it wouldn't have made a difference,because the one on the Boiler,failed to work.
At the end of the "Company Street" was a small building,housing the "Johns",and Showers.(Coal fired).
After to many Days of a shortage of Hot Water for Showers,it was my Honor to draw "Latrine Duty 11",and,The Company CO.insisted on Hot Water.
Having had Grandparents,who had Coal Stoves,I took down all the Stacking,and cleaned the Grates,so I could produce Hot Water.The result was,the Boiler was really putting out Hot Water,
Moments after the Troops were dismissed from Formation,and heading for Showers,the Boiler Blew,and flattened the "Outhouse".
Needless to say,I expected the Wrath of our CO.,who did have a "Short Fuse";however,His reaction was,"I wanted Hot Water,and By----,I got it!!".
He understood,I did not know about "Safety Valves",and Had I,it wouldn't have made a difference,because the one on the Boiler,failed to work.
- Lt Col. Wm.A.Sikkel (AUS/RET)
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While at Marine Basic in San Diego, in 1956, we were preparing for an IG inspection.
Our DI told us that if we were asked a question during this inspection and did not know the answer, we should say, "I do not know Sir, but I will look it up"
So day of inspection the Inspecting General was walking the ranks and this one Marine was very nervous and sweating.
The IG asked "When was the last time you brushed your teeth, son?"
The private came back very quickly with "I do not know sir, but I will look it up!"
Our DI told us that if we were asked a question during this inspection and did not know the answer, we should say, "I do not know Sir, but I will look it up"
So day of inspection the Inspecting General was walking the ranks and this one Marine was very nervous and sweating.
The IG asked "When was the last time you brushed your teeth, son?"
The private came back very quickly with "I do not know sir, but I will look it up!"
- Wayne Fink
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On maneuvers in Florida, an Army Sergeant ordered a Private under his command to fetch a bucket of water from a nearby river. The moment the Private tried to dip out a bucketful, about 20 alligators poked their snouts out of the water right in front of him and tried to eat the Private.
When the Private arrived back before the Sergeant with the still-empty bucket, the Sergeant asked the Private why he'd been unable to get the water.
The Private replied, "Well, Sarge, if those Alligators had been as much a-scared of me as I was of them, that water wouldn't have been fit to drink anyway."
(This was one of the favorite jokes of my brother in law, Master Sergeant James R. Holloway, U.S.Army of Occupation, Germany, Korea, Vietnam, and before his death, an auxiliary Colorado Ranger.)
When the Private arrived back before the Sergeant with the still-empty bucket, the Sergeant asked the Private why he'd been unable to get the water.
The Private replied, "Well, Sarge, if those Alligators had been as much a-scared of me as I was of them, that water wouldn't have been fit to drink anyway."
(This was one of the favorite jokes of my brother in law, Master Sergeant James R. Holloway, U.S.Army of Occupation, Germany, Korea, Vietnam, and before his death, an auxiliary Colorado Ranger.)
- James C. Neel
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An Important Phone Call
The Colonel was on the phone on what looked like a very important call.
"Yes, Mr. President, Thank you for your confidence in me. Yes Sir, I will do well as your General. Yes Sir, I know you will promote me."
About that time a Sergeant came in and heard what was going on.
The Colonel hung up the phone and said to the Sergeant, "What do you want, Sergeant?! Can't you see I was on an important phone call!"
The Sergeant replied, "Sorry sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone."
The Colonel was on the phone on what looked like a very important call.
"Yes, Mr. President, Thank you for your confidence in me. Yes Sir, I will do well as your General. Yes Sir, I know you will promote me."
About that time a Sergeant came in and heard what was going on.
The Colonel hung up the phone and said to the Sergeant, "What do you want, Sergeant?! Can't you see I was on an important phone call!"
The Sergeant replied, "Sorry sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone."
- Al Stuckey
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Capt. Jack (Killer) Kane, United States Marine Corps. was still alive in 2004 after crash landing his corsair fighter in the jungle on an island which was on nobody's maps. He was totally self sufficient after 60 years alone.
One morning he noticed something in the ocean as he walked along the beach. Soon a stunning blonde in a wet suit came striding out of the surf. Jack Kane was pretty surprised that it took sixty years for someone to find him.
The girl was totally blown away. "This island was not known until just last year," she said. "I was sent to explore it for NASA. What are you doing here and how long have you been here?"
"Back in 1944" he said, "I was jumped by twelve Japanese zeros while flying patrol in my Corsair. I shot down all of them, but they got my engine and I crash-landed in the jungle. And what the hell is NASA?"
"My God!" gasped the girl. "You've been here since World War Two. That's incredible!"
"Yeah, I guess so," said Jack. "Is the war over? I hope we won."
The blonde shook her head. "I can't believe this. How old are you?"
"Well," said Jack, "I was 20 back in 44. I guess that would make me about 80."
She looked at him a long time. "I feel so sorry for you," she said. "Is there anything you want that I could give you?"
"You wouldn't happen to have a cigarette?" he said. "I haven't had a smoke in all these years."
"Say no more," she said. She pulled a pack of Marlboros out of wet suit and gave them to him and lit one for him. "Anything else?" she asked.
"Well," he said, exhaling a plume of smoke. "I haven't hada drink in all that time either."
"Say no more," she said, pulling a small flask out another pocket.
"Do you like single malt scotch?" Jack took a long swig, and said,"you are truly an angel."
She said,"and you are an amazingly young and handsome man for your age." She started to zip down the front of her wet suit. "Would you like to play around?"
"Lady," Jack said, "If you have a set of clubs in that suit, I'll have to see them to believe it."
One morning he noticed something in the ocean as he walked along the beach. Soon a stunning blonde in a wet suit came striding out of the surf. Jack Kane was pretty surprised that it took sixty years for someone to find him.
The girl was totally blown away. "This island was not known until just last year," she said. "I was sent to explore it for NASA. What are you doing here and how long have you been here?"
"Back in 1944" he said, "I was jumped by twelve Japanese zeros while flying patrol in my Corsair. I shot down all of them, but they got my engine and I crash-landed in the jungle. And what the hell is NASA?"
"My God!" gasped the girl. "You've been here since World War Two. That's incredible!"
"Yeah, I guess so," said Jack. "Is the war over? I hope we won."
The blonde shook her head. "I can't believe this. How old are you?"
"Well," said Jack, "I was 20 back in 44. I guess that would make me about 80."
She looked at him a long time. "I feel so sorry for you," she said. "Is there anything you want that I could give you?"
"You wouldn't happen to have a cigarette?" he said. "I haven't had a smoke in all these years."
"Say no more," she said. She pulled a pack of Marlboros out of wet suit and gave them to him and lit one for him. "Anything else?" she asked.
"Well," he said, exhaling a plume of smoke. "I haven't hada drink in all that time either."
"Say no more," she said, pulling a small flask out another pocket.
"Do you like single malt scotch?" Jack took a long swig, and said,"you are truly an angel."
She said,"and you are an amazingly young and handsome man for your age." She started to zip down the front of her wet suit. "Would you like to play around?"
"Lady," Jack said, "If you have a set of clubs in that suit, I'll have to see them to believe it."
- Carl A. Group
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