Already have an account? Sign In.
MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
Sort Jokes By
| Most Recent | Rank |
At an elementary school in Indiana, a teacher asks her students to come to class the next day with a story about something that happened to them, and what was the moral of it.
The next day the kids came to class. The teacher calls on the first student who says, "Well, my sister was carrying all the eggs from the chicken coop in one basket, then the bottom fell out, and a lot of them broke. So the morale is never put all your eggs in one basket."
The teacher then called on the next student who said, "We planned on loading up the wagon, so we got everything set up on the cart, then went to find that our horse was sick. So the moral is never put the cart before the horse."
The teacher then called on the next student who said, "Well my Uncle Joe was flying his Apache in Iraq when he was shot down. All he could get out of the chopper was his rifle, knife and a bottle of whiskey.
He was surrounded by 100 Iraqis, and decided that there was no way he would let them get his whiskey, so he drank it. With his rifle he killed 70 Iraqis until he ran out of ammunition. Then he started running around with his knife, killing 20 more until the knife broke. Then with his bare hands he killed the last ten"
Mortified, the teacher asked, "What could possibly be the moral of this story?"
The student then answered, "That's easy. The moral is never mess with Uncle Joe when he's been drinking."
The next day the kids came to class. The teacher calls on the first student who says, "Well, my sister was carrying all the eggs from the chicken coop in one basket, then the bottom fell out, and a lot of them broke. So the morale is never put all your eggs in one basket."
The teacher then called on the next student who said, "We planned on loading up the wagon, so we got everything set up on the cart, then went to find that our horse was sick. So the moral is never put the cart before the horse."
The teacher then called on the next student who said, "Well my Uncle Joe was flying his Apache in Iraq when he was shot down. All he could get out of the chopper was his rifle, knife and a bottle of whiskey.
He was surrounded by 100 Iraqis, and decided that there was no way he would let them get his whiskey, so he drank it. With his rifle he killed 70 Iraqis until he ran out of ammunition. Then he started running around with his knife, killing 20 more until the knife broke. Then with his bare hands he killed the last ten"
Mortified, the teacher asked, "What could possibly be the moral of this story?"
The student then answered, "That's easy. The moral is never mess with Uncle Joe when he's been drinking."
- Jim
|
|||
A Navy Chaplain, a USAF Doctor & a Marine "JAG" officer (Lawyer) were in a boat near an island, had lost their oars, and their boat was surrounded by sharks.
They determined that for two of them to make it to the island, one was going to have to swim away from the boat as a distraction out towards the open sea, while the other two swam for the island.
The JAG officer said, "I'll do it", and he jumped over board. He quickly swam away while the other two jumped in on the other side of the boat & headed strong for the island. The two made it and looked towards the open sea to see how the other man was doing.
To their surprise, the JAG officer was riding the back of a shark! The shark then dropped him off at the island. The JAG Officer then waved to the sharks who swim away.
The Chaplain said, "It's a miracle!"
The Doctor said, "Medically, I just don't understand how you pulled that trick off!"
To which the JAG Officer replied, "Nah, it was just a professional courtesy."
They determined that for two of them to make it to the island, one was going to have to swim away from the boat as a distraction out towards the open sea, while the other two swam for the island.
The JAG officer said, "I'll do it", and he jumped over board. He quickly swam away while the other two jumped in on the other side of the boat & headed strong for the island. The two made it and looked towards the open sea to see how the other man was doing.
To their surprise, the JAG officer was riding the back of a shark! The shark then dropped him off at the island. The JAG Officer then waved to the sharks who swim away.
The Chaplain said, "It's a miracle!"
The Doctor said, "Medically, I just don't understand how you pulled that trick off!"
To which the JAG Officer replied, "Nah, it was just a professional courtesy."
- ROBERT GWIN
|
|||
Two younger Marines took their raged Sgt Maj out to the bars while on deployment. As the two younger men danced, and woman in her late twenties approached the old Leatherneck.
"So are you here to knock boots?" she asked.
He replied, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
She then said, "You know, get freaky!"
Again the old Sgt Maj exclaimed his confusion.
Finally, she yelled, "SEX I mean sex. Man, when was the last time you got laid?".
The Sgt Maj said simply "1959."
The girl quietly said, "You poor thing, it has been so long."
The Sgt Maj says, "What the hell are you talking about? It's only 2130 now!"
"So are you here to knock boots?" she asked.
He replied, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
She then said, "You know, get freaky!"
Again the old Sgt Maj exclaimed his confusion.
Finally, she yelled, "SEX I mean sex. Man, when was the last time you got laid?".
The Sgt Maj said simply "1959."
The girl quietly said, "You poor thing, it has been so long."
The Sgt Maj says, "What the hell are you talking about? It's only 2130 now!"
- Weaver
|
|||
During WWII a private, stationed on an Island in the Pacific,
was being reprimanded for insubordination to a Shavetail
Lt.. based on charges brought up by the newly assigned
officer.
When called to testify the Private's Sergeant said that he had indeed heard the young Private shouting at the LT calling him a dumb son-of-a-bitch.
The Sergeant was asked to describe where he was in proximity to the incident when it occured.
He said, very nearby.. within earshot.. just over the hill a ways. "But I was unable get to them before they dispersed" he added.
Then how, the Sergeant was aked, could you tell that it was the Private doing the speaking?
The Sergeant responded that he knew the private well and recognized his voice.
If you could not see the Private from where you were standing, how do you know he was shouting at the Lt in question? the Sergeant was asked.
That's simple sir, the Sergeant responded. The Lt. was the only dumb son-of-a-bitch on the island at the time of the incident.
----------
This joke was told to me by my Sergeant Major, Charles Petrie, back in the early 70s. Steve Millman, former SSG, US Army
When called to testify the Private's Sergeant said that he had indeed heard the young Private shouting at the LT calling him a dumb son-of-a-bitch.
The Sergeant was asked to describe where he was in proximity to the incident when it occured.
He said, very nearby.. within earshot.. just over the hill a ways. "But I was unable get to them before they dispersed" he added.
Then how, the Sergeant was aked, could you tell that it was the Private doing the speaking?
The Sergeant responded that he knew the private well and recognized his voice.
If you could not see the Private from where you were standing, how do you know he was shouting at the Lt in question? the Sergeant was asked.
That's simple sir, the Sergeant responded. The Lt. was the only dumb son-of-a-bitch on the island at the time of the incident.
----------
This joke was told to me by my Sergeant Major, Charles Petrie, back in the early 70s. Steve Millman, former SSG, US Army
- Steve Millman
|
|||
A young male soldier was shipped out to Iraq.
When he got there he checked the place out & wondered what do you do if you get horney.
Finally he walked up to one of his buddies.
"I have an odd question," he said, "What do you guys do when you get horney around here?"
"Oh, there's a camel out back." he replied.
'Oh he's just teasing the soldier thought. So later he approached another buddy.
"Mind if I ask," he said, "but what do you do when you get horney around here?"
"Well, there's a camel out back." the guy replied.
'Okay I know the Sarg will be serious. I'll ask him.' he thought. He went up to the Sargeant and asked him, "Sir I have an odd, personal question; what do you guys do when you get horney around here?"
"There's a camel out back boy." he answered.
'Alright' he said to himself.
Later that night some of the men were awoke by the most awful, sick sounding noises, and the Saregeant went out to see what it was. He saw the soldier and said "What the hell are you doing you idiot?! You're supposed to ride the camel to the bar in town!"
When he got there he checked the place out & wondered what do you do if you get horney.
Finally he walked up to one of his buddies.
"I have an odd question," he said, "What do you guys do when you get horney around here?"
"Oh, there's a camel out back." he replied.
'Oh he's just teasing the soldier thought. So later he approached another buddy.
"Mind if I ask," he said, "but what do you do when you get horney around here?"
"Well, there's a camel out back." the guy replied.
'Okay I know the Sarg will be serious. I'll ask him.' he thought. He went up to the Sargeant and asked him, "Sir I have an odd, personal question; what do you guys do when you get horney around here?"
"There's a camel out back boy." he answered.
'Alright' he said to himself.
Later that night some of the men were awoke by the most awful, sick sounding noises, and the Saregeant went out to see what it was. He saw the soldier and said "What the hell are you doing you idiot?! You're supposed to ride the camel to the bar in town!"
- Bob S
|
|||
The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got
that chicken farm he always wanted. He took with
him his lifelong pet parrot named Sam.
First morning at 04:30 Sam squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"
The old Chief told Sam, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."
The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old chief told Sam, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."
Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot out in the chicken pen.
About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. Sam had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 badly bruised and beaten brown chickens.
Sam was yelling, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!!"
First morning at 04:30 Sam squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"
The old Chief told Sam, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."
The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old chief told Sam, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."
Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot out in the chicken pen.
About 06:30, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. Sam had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 badly bruised and beaten brown chickens.
Sam was yelling, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!!"
- Joe G Inocencio Msg(Ret)
|
|||
Two Army quartermaster soldiers were talking (1 male, 1 female-blonde). "I know how to get some time off from duty," said the male soldier.
"How do you think you will do that?" asked the blonde soldier.
He then proceeded to show her... by climbing up on the warehouse rafters and hanging upside down.
The Captain walked in, saw the soldier hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb, Sir" answered the soldier.
"I think you need some time off," said the Captain. So, the soldier jumped down and walked out of the warehouse.
And the blonde soldier began walking out too. The Captain asked her where did she think she was going?
"To the barracks, Sir! I can't work in the dark".
"How do you think you will do that?" asked the blonde soldier.
He then proceeded to show her... by climbing up on the warehouse rafters and hanging upside down.
The Captain walked in, saw the soldier hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb, Sir" answered the soldier.
"I think you need some time off," said the Captain. So, the soldier jumped down and walked out of the warehouse.
And the blonde soldier began walking out too. The Captain asked her where did she think she was going?
"To the barracks, Sir! I can't work in the dark".
- Jose G Inocencio Msg USA Ret
|
|||
"The Old Veteran"
A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $8000 and feels great about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl,"How old do you think I am?"
"I guess about 29."
The woman excitedly replies, "Nope, I'm 47!"
Now she's feeling really great about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way . . . down the street . . . asking everyone her question.
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old Veteran the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." The Veteran slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this she says "Okay, okay, that's enough, .....how old am I?"
The old Veteran completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible! How could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?"
The old Veteran replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
- Jack Schrenker
|
|||
When WWII ended, all soldiers overseas wanted to come home right away. There were not enough ships available for such a monumental effort. The War Department understood the mood of their soldiers and went to great lengths to make waiting their turn easier. In Italy, a local guide was hired to take soldiers on tours of local sights to entertain and keep them occupied. On one particular day, the walking tour crested a very high hill overlooking a long valley of olive trees. The guide explained how many trees, how much olive oil could be pressed, etc. A loud voice from the rear interrupted, "Pardner, we got more olive trees and oil in the Texas Rio Grande valley". Continuing on up to the top of the next hill overlooking a very large valley filled with luscious grape vineyards. Again, the guide explained about the grapes and the large quantities of wine that could be pressed. The loud voice blasted from the rear, "Pardner, we got more grapes in our backyards back in Texas. Faithfully, the now weary guide led the group up the third hill and there in the distance was Mt Etna, spewing forth hot lava and burning ashes. Explaining how large the volcano and the amount of lava and heat generated from it, the guide concluded, "I suppose that you have a much larger and hotter volcano in Texas". The loud voice from the rear replied, "Pardner, we ain't got no volcanoes in Texas at all, but I bet the Ft Worth Fire Department can put that bugger out in 20 minutes.
- Garland Carr
|
|||
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule AFB,Greenland,at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to base,and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base, and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hanger, which take even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slow) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished".
Shivering in the cold, his task finished. He takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect,I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one strip; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump out the toilet from your aircraft.... Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
The young man finally gets to the air base, and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hanger, which take even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slow) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished".
Shivering in the cold, his task finished. He takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect,I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one strip; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump out the toilet from your aircraft.... Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
- Jose G Inocencio Msg USA Ret
|
|||
A new butterbar had just completed training and was finally given his own platoon. Still fresh in the army, he was curious of things that weren't brought up in training. He went to the Company commander for his inbrief and spoke little. Then he went to the platoon sergeant and talked even longer. They talked about almost everything. RichEditWindowThen almost ready to go home for the day, his last stop was top, (1SG).
Top was kicked back and welcomed the young officer in, and quickly told him the true ways of the army. When he was finished, the 1SG asked if there was anything else the LT would like to know. Where did officer rank come from top?
The 1SG Smiled, and began.. "1 really is a foundation of America. 1 gold bar is like you.. valuable, yet able to be shaped and molded. Malable. Just like a 2nd LT. A silver bar is someone who is valuable, but who has been in for a while and almost set in there ways. They are less malable or shapable, so they are silver. Captin, 2 silver bars, cuz he is set in his ways, and twice as valuable, but not as malable as gold. Colonel, a silver eagle. The symbol of a true patriot. Someone who has given most of there life and set in their ways. And what is higher that an eagle, that stars. Just the generals." He smiled and the LT new he was in the presence of greatness.
"Wait top, you forgot major and LT.Colonel!" "Oh, yeah, well that goes back to biblical times, when God gave men leaves to cover their pricks"......
Top was kicked back and welcomed the young officer in, and quickly told him the true ways of the army. When he was finished, the 1SG asked if there was anything else the LT would like to know. Where did officer rank come from top?
The 1SG Smiled, and began.. "1 really is a foundation of America. 1 gold bar is like you.. valuable, yet able to be shaped and molded. Malable. Just like a 2nd LT. A silver bar is someone who is valuable, but who has been in for a while and almost set in there ways. They are less malable or shapable, so they are silver. Captin, 2 silver bars, cuz he is set in his ways, and twice as valuable, but not as malable as gold. Colonel, a silver eagle. The symbol of a true patriot. Someone who has given most of there life and set in their ways. And what is higher that an eagle, that stars. Just the generals." He smiled and the LT new he was in the presence of greatness.
"Wait top, you forgot major and LT.Colonel!" "Oh, yeah, well that goes back to biblical times, when God gave men leaves to cover their pricks"......
- Scott
|
|||
- NA
|
|||
Early 1969 we had been in Germany, Reforger I, for approximately 4 months. On the day we were to catch a plain, to return Stateside, we caught a bus in Graf during the worst blizzard I have ever seen. We were lined up outside the barracks and could barely see the Chief standing in front of the formation. Prior to getting on the bus a battalion Sgt. Major approached and proceeded to instruct us as to the procedure for boarding the bus, to include each of us receiving a number, to keep easier count, and not searching for the best seating. We couldn't have 40 guys wandering around on the bus trying to get a window seat now could we! Once we were on the bus and seated the Sgt. Major came on board and proceeded to let us know he was not in the mood for clowning around. He told us he will be calling our numbers out and for us to just answer up and not try to be funny. He started to call out numbers; 1...here was the answer, 2......nothing, 2......still nothing, all right GOD DAMMIT____I SAID 2!! Our armor was sitting to the Sgt. Majors left listening to all this, then he reached out and tugged on the Sgt. Major's trousers and whispered............. "Your number 2"! After that the Sgt. Major didn't miss a beat..... 3..... here, 4.......... here.........
- Wally Christina/'68-'70 Army
|
|||
I was at this colonel's house and noticed a pig, in the colonel's yard, with a wooden leg. I asked "Colonel, what is that pig doing with a wooden leg?" The Colonel said "son, this is the smartest pig in the world. A year ago, my house burned to the ground, and this pig went into my house and woke me up, along with my wife and eight kids, and no one even got burned." I said "That is amazing, but it don't tell me why he has a wooden leg." The Colonel said " son, when you've got a pig that smart, you don't eat him all at once!"
- Dixon
|
|||
An excited Army recruit asked his company commander for an immediate furlough-his wife was going to have a baby. Permission was granted, and when the furlough papers were drawn up and the soldier was leaving, the officer asked exactly when the baby was due. "About nine months after I get home, sir," replied the recruit casually.
- Carin
|
|||
Flag Joke
Please let us know why you believe this joke is inappropriate and we'll look into it.
Edit Your Joke
Explore VetFriends.com
Click on a section to see all of VetFriends.com's Features.