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MILITARY JOKES
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2 marines were at war and got sepperated from their platoon, as they were walking they heared someone walking in the bushes, they stopped and aked "who goes there"? they here a yell "I am an american,i lost my convoy".
so all 3 of them were walking then they found a lamp as they rubed it a ginni puffed out and said "you've woken me I can grant you each 1 wish since there is 3 of you" one of the marines said I wish two be home with my family, so puff he went home, the other marine said I wish I could find my platoon and puff he was gone, then the army man said I am shure going to miss thoughs guy's I wish they were back.
- sam ogas
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2 Marines were at war and got separated from their platoon, as they were walking they heard someone walking in the bushes, they stopped and asked "who goes there"? They hear a yell "I am an American,I lost my convoy".
So all 3 of them were walking then they found a lamp as they rubbed it a Jeannie puffed out and said "you've woken me I can grant you each 1 wish since there are 3 of you." One of the Marines said I wish to be home with my family, so puff he went home; the other Marine said I wish I could find my platoon and puff he was gone; then the lost Marine said I am sure going to miss those guys I wish they were back...........
So all 3 of them were walking then they found a lamp as they rubbed it a Jeannie puffed out and said "you've woken me I can grant you each 1 wish since there are 3 of you." One of the Marines said I wish to be home with my family, so puff he went home; the other Marine said I wish I could find my platoon and puff he was gone; then the lost Marine said I am sure going to miss those guys I wish they were back...........
- sam ogas
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One sailor was telling the other of his date with the admiral's daughter, a beautiful young lady whom everyone wanted to date. "We stopped up by the lake, and she said if I would put the top down on the car, she would let me kiss her. Boy, I got that top down in 15 minutes". "That's nothing", said the second sailor, "I can get the top down on MY car in 10 seconds". "Sure", replied the first, "YOU'VE got a CONVERTIBLE"
- Sam Eads
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One day little Jonny went to grandmas house and was drinking her coffee like she does every moring. Well later that day Jonny asked if he could fix her a cup and she said ok thinking that was nice of him to ask. So she sat down and Jonny comes in with the cup of coffee happy as he could be. So Grandma takes a drink and boy that was the worst cup of coffee she had ever tasted. But she smiled and said wow thats good. So she smiled and finished the last drop of the cold tastless cup of coffee,and as she got to the bottom she notice little green thing at the bottom of the cup. She pull on out and notice that it was a platstice green army man and said Jonny why is this man at the bottom of my cup. And he said you know grandma it's like the t.v. said "the best part of wakeing up is soliders in your cup"
- Baker
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A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
- Darnell M
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One week in the field, a sergeant told a pvt to go to the river and get some water, im sorry sarg i just can't there are gators in the river and im scared of them things the sergeant replied: pvt them gators are just as scared of you as you are of them, the pvt replied point made sarg, if that is the case then the water isn't fit for anything.
- ogot22
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How do you tell a 2nd Louie?
Haven't ever been able to tell them much of anything!
Haven't ever been able to tell them much of anything!
- Former USMC Sgt O'
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So why is the person who is watched over the most,and always told what to do,called a "Private"?
- Former USMC Sgt O'
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Next Weeks Television Schedule
Baghdad Channel 13
SUNDAY
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Jihad
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies
MONDAY
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Says It's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAY
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch
THURSDAY
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*u*s*t*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist BILLIONAIRE?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News
SATURDAY
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
10:30- PRESS MY LUCK
Baghdad Channel 13
SUNDAY
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Jihad
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies
MONDAY
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Says It's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAY
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch
THURSDAY
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*u*s*t*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist BILLIONAIRE?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News
SATURDAY
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
10:30- PRESS MY LUCK
- Jerry Hannah
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A young MP PV1 fresh out of AIT was out doing training with his supervisor. The Sgt went to the private and explained to him that he was not showing the force needed to be a good Military Policeman. He explained to the PVT that he only had another week to show that he could do the job or he would be reassigned to a field MP unit.
On the last day of training the PVT knew that he had to make a good impression. The PVT and the Sgt were doing routine patrol on the Army base when the PVT rode up on several subjects standing on a corner. The PVT thought this was the perfect chance to show what he could do. He stopped the MP car and exited.
He approached the group, and said with force and intimidation in his voice: "People you are going to have to get off this corner and stop loitering in the area!"
When someone tried to speak out in protest, the PVT would reply; "Shut-up and move on, and I won't repeat myself!!"
At that moment all the subjects walked away discouraged and confused. The PVT turned and looked at the Sgt and asked, "Well, how's that for force Sarge? The Sgt replied, "That was perfect, could not have done it better... The only problem is those folks were standing at the bus stop!"
On the last day of training the PVT knew that he had to make a good impression. The PVT and the Sgt were doing routine patrol on the Army base when the PVT rode up on several subjects standing on a corner. The PVT thought this was the perfect chance to show what he could do. He stopped the MP car and exited.
He approached the group, and said with force and intimidation in his voice: "People you are going to have to get off this corner and stop loitering in the area!"
When someone tried to speak out in protest, the PVT would reply; "Shut-up and move on, and I won't repeat myself!!"
At that moment all the subjects walked away discouraged and confused. The PVT turned and looked at the Sgt and asked, "Well, how's that for force Sarge? The Sgt replied, "That was perfect, could not have done it better... The only problem is those folks were standing at the bus stop!"
- T. Wortham
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A retiring Lt Colonel in Lake Charles, LA decided he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his Army buddies and neighbors.
He also invited his Jeep driver Sergeant Boudreaux, the only Cajun in the Party's crowd. He held the Party around the pool in the back yard of his home. Everyone was having a real good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, and BBQ and flirting with the ladies.
At the height of the party, the Lt Colonel said, "I have a 12 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a $1000.00 to anyone who has the balls to jump in." When the words were barely out of his mouth, there was a loud splash, and everyone turned around and saw Sgt. Boudreaux in the pool!
Boudreaux was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Sgt. Boudreaux jabbed the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head-butts and choke-holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of judo instructor.
The water was churning and slashing everywhere! Both Boudreaux and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, Boudreaux strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a Wal-Mart goldfish. Boudreaux then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody stared at him in disbelief.
The Lt Colonel then says, "Well Sgt Boudreaux. I reckon I owe you a $1000.00."
"No that's okay. I don't want it," replied Boudreaux.
The Lt Colonel then said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about $500.00."
"No, thanks. I don't want it," answered Boudreaux.
The Lt Colonel again said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about my Rolex Watch?"
Again Boudreaux said No.
Confused, the Lt Colonel asked, "Well, Sergeant Boudreaux, then what do you want?"
And Sgt Boudreaux replied, "I just want the name of that sombitch who pushed me in the pool"!
He also invited his Jeep driver Sergeant Boudreaux, the only Cajun in the Party's crowd. He held the Party around the pool in the back yard of his home. Everyone was having a real good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, and BBQ and flirting with the ladies.
At the height of the party, the Lt Colonel said, "I have a 12 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a $1000.00 to anyone who has the balls to jump in." When the words were barely out of his mouth, there was a loud splash, and everyone turned around and saw Sgt. Boudreaux in the pool!
Boudreaux was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Sgt. Boudreaux jabbed the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head-butts and choke-holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of judo instructor.
The water was churning and slashing everywhere! Both Boudreaux and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally, Boudreaux strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a Wal-Mart goldfish. Boudreaux then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody stared at him in disbelief.
The Lt Colonel then says, "Well Sgt Boudreaux. I reckon I owe you a $1000.00."
"No that's okay. I don't want it," replied Boudreaux.
The Lt Colonel then said "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about $500.00."
"No, thanks. I don't want it," answered Boudreaux.
The Lt Colonel again said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about my Rolex Watch?"
Again Boudreaux said No.
Confused, the Lt Colonel asked, "Well, Sergeant Boudreaux, then what do you want?"
And Sgt Boudreaux replied, "I just want the name of that sombitch who pushed me in the pool"!
- Joe G Inocencio Msg(Ret)
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Two Weeks Before Christmas!
T'was two weeks before Christmas, And all through Iraq,
The people still worried that Saddam would be back.
The soldiers went out on their nightly patrol,
Capturing the bad guys was always their goal!
With raids seeming endless in the triangle Sunni,
We hoped that not all of Iraq was so looney!
We gathered the tribe of Saddam, in Tikrit,
And suddenly now they all started to snit!
They told of a farm where Hussein just might be
Odierno then called on our boys- from the great 4th ID!
More rapid than Baathists our soldiers they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name
Now Delta, Now Rangers, Now Cavalry too!
On Green Hats, on Pilots, I need all of you!
Go to that farm and secure it right now!
Capture his ass- you guys know how!
Off went our soldiers under cover of night,
torture and his Fedaheen
To our soldiers we give our undying respect
You always give more than we ever expect
We hope you can have now a night with some fun
Your loved ones back home say- JOB WELL DONE!
- A. Leighton
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An 18 year old infantryman in Korea on his first day in combat and on the front line.
The infantry company receiving heavy mortar fire commenced running rearward down the hill. A young LT. yells at the soldier, "HEY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU RUNNING FOR?" The young soldier responds, "SIR THIS IS MY FIRST DAY IN COMBAT AND I HAVE YET LEARN TO FLY"
The infantry company receiving heavy mortar fire commenced running rearward down the hill. A young LT. yells at the soldier, "HEY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU RUNNING FOR?" The young soldier responds, "SIR THIS IS MY FIRST DAY IN COMBAT AND I HAVE YET LEARN TO FLY"
- RALPH SZABO
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What do you get when you cross a spider with Saddam Hussein?
A. YOu get a spider hole hiding an ass-hole.
A. YOu get a spider hole hiding an ass-hole.
- edward staton
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A young marine managed to get a date with a pretty young girl that had never been on a date before, to go to a drive-in movie. They were both enjoying the movie when about half way through the marine asked the pretty young girl. Would you like to get in the back seat? No she answered. I want to stay here with you.
- Charles Albro
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