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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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One day a recruit in basic combat training screwed up. Once the trainer heard about it he chewed the recruit a new hole. some time latter the private complained about the chewing out, and the trainer heard about it again. so the trainer went up to the recruit and said, "I heard that you are going to spit on my grave when i'm dead. Is that true?"
The recruit replied, "Sir, once I leave this place I am never going to stand in line again."
The recruit replied, "Sir, once I leave this place I am never going to stand in line again."
- Richard A Draeger Jr.
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A General from the Army, Air Force, Marines and an Admiral all get together to decide which branch has the most guts. The Army General says watch this."Private, Go stand in the middle of that shooting range while I commense a firing drill and don't move.""Yes, Sir!"replies the private as he got shot to pieces. Then the Army General Says,"Now thats guts!" The Marine General says,"Watch this. Private, take this grenade, pull the pin, but don't throw it." "Yes, Sir!" replies the private and he gets blown apart. The Marine General says," No, Thats guts!" The Air Force General says,"No, watch this. Airmen, get into that plane, fly to 15,000 agl, then do a nose dive straight into the ground. Don't pull up and don't eject." "Yes, sir!" Says the airman as he crashes into the ground. "Now thats guts," says the Air Force General. The Admiral looks at them and says,"Watch this. Seman, get to the top of that mast and do a bellyflop from there to the deck of the ship." The seman looks at him and says,"Screw you,sir!" Then the Admiral says," Now thats guts!!"
- John Fortunato
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What's the difference between the army&the boy scouts?Boy scouts have adult leadership.
- john corner
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There was a little boy walking through the airport and saw a Marine standing there in his Dress Blues. The little boy walked up to the Marine and said "Gee, are you a Marine?" "Why yes I am" replied the Marine. "can I wear your hat" asked the little boy. "Sure said the Marine. Better yet" said the Marine, "Why don't you just keep it." The little boy said thank you and continued walking through the airport. As he walked on, he saw and old crusty Sergeant Major Ranger drinking in a bar. The little boy walked up to the Sergeant Major and said, "Gee Mr., are you a Ranger?" The Sergeant Major said, "Ya, what of it?" The little boy said, "Can I wear your beret?" The Sergeant Major said, "Do you wanta kiss my ...." and the little boy said, "Oh no sir, I'm not a Marine, I'm just wearing his hat."
- CPT Scott
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In the 1600's three military men were captured by the native americans. A British soldier, a French soldier and an American soldier. The chieftain explained to the three men that they would be tortured, their entrails removed, roasted over a slow fire to tan their hides and then their skin would be used for canoes. He then told he man he would give them a single wish before they started. He asked the British soldier first and after thinking a short time the soldier asked for a knife where upon he immediately killed himself. He then asked the French soldier who seeing the British soldier kill himself thought that was a pretty good idea so he also asked for a knife and killed himself. The cheiftain then came to the American soldier. The American soldier lookied him in the eye and asked for a fork. "A FORK?" asked the cheif but then gave it to the American. The soldier immediately started to stab himself all over his body and when he finished he replied, "screw your canoes!"
- Gordon
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Three Majors walk into a bar the other ducks. The first two asked him " What's wrong major?" He said " Oh, nothing, I just remember an old joke I heard about two majors walking into a bar and the other one ducking."
- Andy Gosman
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The RB-47 was modified to carry three crewmembers in what would have been the bomb bay in a bomber. Those crewmen were called Ravens or Crows and operated the electronic reconnaissance systems. Their normal roll in any emergency was to just do as directed, because most emergencies were not in their area and not their concern. The few emergencies that involved the crows required only that they inform the Aircraft Commander (pilot) of what was going on. During emergency procedure review, a question was read, "You are cruising at 35,000 feet when the aircraft goes into a spin. The aircraft is still in a spin when you reach 15,000 feet, what is your reaction?"
The CO looked around and directed it to one of the crows that had been nearly asleep and didn't hear the question. So, the crow, instead of giving the correct response, which was to 'Bail Out', gave what would be his correct answer in 95 out of 100 cases, "Notify the pilot, Sir."
The CO looked around and directed it to one of the crows that had been nearly asleep and didn't hear the question. So, the crow, instead of giving the correct response, which was to 'Bail Out', gave what would be his correct answer in 95 out of 100 cases, "Notify the pilot, Sir."
- Bruce Bailey
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During the Vietnam War, Dustoff took two badly wounded and banged up soldiers, one American and one Viet Cong to an Evac Hospital. The Colonel in charge asked the GI what happened to him.
"Well, Sir", he replied. I was pinned down on one side of a road by this VC on the other side. I thought that if I insulted Ho Chi Minh that he would jump up and I would shoot hi. So I yelled "Ho Chi Minh is a SOB"! He immediately replied, "Lyndon Johnson is an asshole"! We were standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when we were run over by an M113 APC.
"Well, Sir", he replied. I was pinned down on one side of a road by this VC on the other side. I thought that if I insulted Ho Chi Minh that he would jump up and I would shoot hi. So I yelled "Ho Chi Minh is a SOB"! He immediately replied, "Lyndon Johnson is an asshole"! We were standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when we were run over by an M113 APC.
- Neil Young
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There were three Sailors walking along the pier going to lunch. A Petty Officer 2nd Class, a Pett Officer 1st Class and a Chief Petty Officer. One of them saw an Aladins Lamp, so he picked it up and proceeded to rub it. Suddenly a Genie popped out and said to the Sailors, "I grant each one of you one wish each." The 2nd Class wished to be the richest man in the world. The 1st class wished to have all the pretty women in the world. And the Chief wished that everybody would be back to work at 1300 hours.
- Joe Dutton
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Any time more than two GIs get together the promotion system will enter the conversation. Everyone has a gripe about the system and most have a fix for it. The best I ever heard came from one of the Crows (EWOs): he said, "Everyone should come into the Air Force as a full colonel and be allowed to sink to their own level."
- Bruce Bailey
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Q: What's the difference between when a military man talks dirty to a woman versus a woman talking dirty to a military man?
A: When a military man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrasment. When a woman talks dirty to a military man, it's $3.95 a minute.
A: When a military man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrasment. When a woman talks dirty to a military man, it's $3.95 a minute.
- Isikar
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What does Saddam Husain and General Custer have in common?
They both are wondering where all those tomahawks came from.
They both are wondering where all those tomahawks came from.
- Kenneth Rines
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A boot Ensign is walking through a hospital p-way,
looking for the phone bank. He spots the phones but
realizes that he has no change.
Just then a sailor comes by swabbing the deck, and the Ensign asks the sailor if he has change?
The sailor replies, "I sure do buddy."
The Ensign, all bent out of shape grunts and says, "Is that how you address an Officer? Let's try that again, do you have change for the phone???"
"No Sir !!", the sailor replies.
Just then a sailor comes by swabbing the deck, and the Ensign asks the sailor if he has change?
The sailor replies, "I sure do buddy."
The Ensign, all bent out of shape grunts and says, "Is that how you address an Officer? Let's try that again, do you have change for the phone???"
"No Sir !!", the sailor replies.
- NavyHM
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One day, a Major calls down to the motor pool.
"Motor pool", answers a young soldier.
The Major asks, "Do you have any vehicles left to check out today?"
"Just a jeep that some jack-assed major in battalion is always using", said the soldier.
The Major, now fuming, asks, "Troop, Do you know who I am?!?
The soldier answers, "No, Do you know who I am?
"No!" answered the very angry Major.
"Good!" the troop said as he hung up the phone.
"Motor pool", answers a young soldier.
The Major asks, "Do you have any vehicles left to check out today?"
"Just a jeep that some jack-assed major in battalion is always using", said the soldier.
The Major, now fuming, asks, "Troop, Do you know who I am?!?
The soldier answers, "No, Do you know who I am?
"No!" answered the very angry Major.
"Good!" the troop said as he hung up the phone.
- Jeremy Buck
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Two Terrorists are chatting. One of them pulls out his wallet and flips through the pictures.
Proudly he pulls out two to show is friend.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. And this is my second son. He's a martyr too."
After a pause, the second terrorist says, "Ahh, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
Proudly he pulls out two to show is friend.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. And this is my second son. He's a martyr too."
After a pause, the second terrorist says, "Ahh, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
- SUNNY ALEXANDER
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