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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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An Army "gunney goes to the Pearly Gates ,and is met by St.Peter. The "gunney" says` I`m not going in ,if theres` any Marines in there."St.Peter says` don`t worry ,we have no Marines in here.The "gunney" goes in,soon he comes running back .He`s yelling you lied. I just saw the biggest MARINE I ever saw,HE had on dress blues,medales,hash marks. St.Peter says` thats`not a MARINE thats` JESUS, HE always wanted to be a MARINE.
- Mike McCahill
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A 10 year old boy asked a coach of a youth athletic team why his nickname was "Army." The coach explained that he was a recent veteran of the United States Army. The kid, with a purplexed look on his face, asked, (after about 10 seconds), "Were you only in Basic Training, or were you in the real shoot 'em up, kill 'em, Army?"
- Sgt Minton, USMC 0311
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Two GIs were driving through Texas and going a little fast when the local County Mounty appeared behind them with his lights flashing. After stopping their Duece and a half on the shoulder the Sheriff climbed on the running board and asked for their papers. When he finished he told them that it didn't matter if they were in the Army they would Obey the local laws and then struck the driver with his night stick right between the eyes. He procede to walk to the passenger side and mounted the Running Board and struck the Passenger between the eyes also. When the GI asked why The County Sherriff answered that he was just making his wish come true. ??? He continued, Just about 1/2 a mile doen the road you are going to be wishing that, "that asshole had done that to you."
- Mike Howell
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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, Sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Your's Is."
"Your jeep stuck, Sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Your's Is."
- Lester Todd
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A Marine and an Army Soldier went to a club together one night. After a number of beers they both decide to hit the "Head" to relieve themselves. The Army Soldier finishes first, and after shaking it off, he tucks it away and begins to leave. The Marine yells back at him, "Hay!, in the Marine Core they teach us proper hygeine and to wash our hand after going!". The Army Soldier turns back and replys "Well, in the Army they teach us not to Piss on ourselves".
- Thomas Hackett
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A young female was discharged from the Army, and found that there was a typo on her discharge papers, so that she was listed as a male. Concerned about this mistake she brought it to the attention of her Sergeant. "Well," said the Sergeant, "They said the Army'd make a man out of you."
- anonymous
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When I was in Basic Training, I got stuck on five weeks of straight Kitchen Patrol. One day while we were serving lunch, a Drill Sergeant came through singing very loudly:
"It's my Party and I can Cry if I want to...cry if I want to!"
I turned to the recruit next to me and asked, "What's he smoking?"
Without missing a beat she replied, "Privates."
"It's my Party and I can Cry if I want to...cry if I want to!"
I turned to the recruit next to me and asked, "What's he smoking?"
Without missing a beat she replied, "Privates."
- kataratos
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A marine in a bar starts to talk to the bartender about all the metal plates and injuries he's gotten from previous wars. A sailor sitting not to far from the marine looks at him and says, " All shore duty huh!"
- Bill Greed
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Chopper crash
While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
- Jerry Ostapowicz
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A piece of corn joined the army and reported to his training unit.
A few days later, as he was standing by the PX, a general noticed that everyone who came by saluted him. Curious, he finally stopped one of the soldiers who had saluted and asked him why he had saluted a private. "Private?", he answered. "He told us that he was a kernel!"
- Ken Schwab
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What is a sure sign something won't work in the Navy? Two officers planning an operation, and an old Navy Chief in the corner muttering "Watch this SHxx!"
- ATC Mary Vernoy USNRRET
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Fact.
Serving in the Royal Navy at the end of WW11 I knew a very tough and salty CPO. We both happened to be in the shower one day, and I saw, tattoed across both butt cheeks the words "stand clear twin screws".
Serving in the Royal Navy at the end of WW11 I knew a very tough and salty CPO. We both happened to be in the shower one day, and I saw, tattoed across both butt cheeks the words "stand clear twin screws".
- Stan Hadden
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After a mission in southern Europe a B-17 was flying LOW over the dunes in south Africe to avoid any Mr. Smidts. When they passed over one dune the tail gunner started laughing hystericaly. He later calmed down and explained that on the other side of the dune an Arab camel farmer was tending his herd of camels when they scattered as the 17 flew over knocking the herdsman off of his camel and dispersing 100 camels across the sand. The Arab did get a shot off at the now long gone plane.
Told to me by Jim Middledorf, the pilot of the plane.
Told to me by Jim Middledorf, the pilot of the plane.
- Max Monce Jr
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A long time friend of mine went for 11-Bang Bang (Infantry)and it seemed that every time that he got more than 2 stripes on his shoulder something got screwed up and "Sarge" got busted to E-1. After Desert storm we met up again in our home town, the more drinks I bought him the more stories he told.
"sarge" is a very stockey farm boy from Indiana and one time in Kuwait he was stripped down ready for his shower. He stepped in to find a Cobra in there with him, he takes off across the compound to retrieve his side arm and procedes to empty a clip into the shower. There goes some more stripes. Oh! Did I mention that he was BUCK NAKED when he ran across the compound? Must have been a sight. A naked man running around the compound and shooting up the shower.
"sarge" is a very stockey farm boy from Indiana and one time in Kuwait he was stripped down ready for his shower. He stepped in to find a Cobra in there with him, he takes off across the compound to retrieve his side arm and procedes to empty a clip into the shower. There goes some more stripes. Oh! Did I mention that he was BUCK NAKED when he ran across the compound? Must have been a sight. A naked man running around the compound and shooting up the shower.
- Max Monce Jr
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True story: In 2000, I worked at the Census Bureau positioned across from another Navy veteran, a tough, salty, no-nonsense type.
In 2000, the tabloids flashed the "scoop" of "Bob Hope's last days!" So, mentioned that Hope was reported to be up and around, after all.
He replied, "He's gone!"
I continued, "Just think, when Bob Hope gets to the other side, all those servicemen, and women, will rush to greet him!"
"He's gone!", my friend firmly stated.
I couldn't let it go. "And, you know who will be there waiting for him? Bing Crosby!"
"No wonder he's holding on!" was the prompt reply.
In 2000, the tabloids flashed the "scoop" of "Bob Hope's last days!" So, mentioned that Hope was reported to be up and around, after all.
He replied, "He's gone!"
I continued, "Just think, when Bob Hope gets to the other side, all those servicemen, and women, will rush to greet him!"
"He's gone!", my friend firmly stated.
I couldn't let it go. "And, you know who will be there waiting for him? Bing Crosby!"
"No wonder he's holding on!" was the prompt reply.
- al m.
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