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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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There was a little boy walking through the airport and saw a Marine standing there in his Dress Blues. The little boy walked up to the Marine and said "Gee, are you a Marine?" "Why yes I am" replied the Marine. "can I wear your hat" asked the little boy. "Sure said the Marine. Better yet" said the Marine, "Why don't you just keep it." The little boy said thank you and continued walking through the airport. As he walked on, he saw and old crusty Sergeant Major Ranger drinking in a bar. The little boy walked up to the Sergeant Major and said, "Gee Mr., are you a Ranger?" The Sergeant Major said, "Ya, what of it?" The little boy said, "Can I wear your beret?" The Sergeant Major said, "Do you wanta kiss my ...." and the little boy said, "Oh no sir, I'm not a Marine, I'm just wearing his hat."
- CPT Scott
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In the 1600's three military men were captured by the native americans. A British soldier, a French soldier and an American soldier. The chieftain explained to the three men that they would be tortured, their entrails removed, roasted over a slow fire to tan their hides and then their skin would be used for canoes. He then told he man he would give them a single wish before they started. He asked the British soldier first and after thinking a short time the soldier asked for a knife where upon he immediately killed himself. He then asked the French soldier who seeing the British soldier kill himself thought that was a pretty good idea so he also asked for a knife and killed himself. The cheiftain then came to the American soldier. The American soldier lookied him in the eye and asked for a fork. "A FORK?" asked the cheif but then gave it to the American. The soldier immediately started to stab himself all over his body and when he finished he replied, "screw your canoes!"
- Gordon
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Three Majors walk into a bar the other ducks. The first two asked him " What's wrong major?" He said " Oh, nothing, I just remember an old joke I heard about two majors walking into a bar and the other one ducking."
- Andy Gosman
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The RB-47 was modified to carry three crewmembers in what would have been the bomb bay in a bomber. Those crewmen were called Ravens or Crows and operated the electronic reconnaissance systems. Their normal roll in any emergency was to just do as directed, because most emergencies were not in their area and not their concern. The few emergencies that involved the crows required only that they inform the Aircraft Commander (pilot) of what was going on. During emergency procedure review, a question was read, "You are cruising at 35,000 feet when the aircraft goes into a spin. The aircraft is still in a spin when you reach 15,000 feet, what is your reaction?"
The CO looked around and directed it to one of the crows that had been nearly asleep and didn't hear the question. So, the crow, instead of giving the correct response, which was to 'Bail Out', gave what would be his correct answer in 95 out of 100 cases, "Notify the pilot, Sir."
The CO looked around and directed it to one of the crows that had been nearly asleep and didn't hear the question. So, the crow, instead of giving the correct response, which was to 'Bail Out', gave what would be his correct answer in 95 out of 100 cases, "Notify the pilot, Sir."
- Bruce Bailey
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During the Vietnam War, Dustoff took two badly wounded and banged up soldiers, one American and one Viet Cong to an Evac Hospital. The Colonel in charge asked the GI what happened to him.
"Well, Sir", he replied. I was pinned down on one side of a road by this VC on the other side. I thought that if I insulted Ho Chi Minh that he would jump up and I would shoot hi. So I yelled "Ho Chi Minh is a SOB"! He immediately replied, "Lyndon Johnson is an asshole"! We were standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when we were run over by an M113 APC.
"Well, Sir", he replied. I was pinned down on one side of a road by this VC on the other side. I thought that if I insulted Ho Chi Minh that he would jump up and I would shoot hi. So I yelled "Ho Chi Minh is a SOB"! He immediately replied, "Lyndon Johnson is an asshole"! We were standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when we were run over by an M113 APC.
- Neil Young
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There were three Sailors walking along the pier going to lunch. A Petty Officer 2nd Class, a Pett Officer 1st Class and a Chief Petty Officer. One of them saw an Aladins Lamp, so he picked it up and proceeded to rub it. Suddenly a Genie popped out and said to the Sailors, "I grant each one of you one wish each." The 2nd Class wished to be the richest man in the world. The 1st class wished to have all the pretty women in the world. And the Chief wished that everybody would be back to work at 1300 hours.
- Joe Dutton
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Any time more than two GIs get together the promotion system will enter the conversation. Everyone has a gripe about the system and most have a fix for it. The best I ever heard came from one of the Crows (EWOs): he said, "Everyone should come into the Air Force as a full colonel and be allowed to sink to their own level."
- Bruce Bailey
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Q: What's the difference between when a military man talks dirty to a woman versus a woman talking dirty to a military man?
A: When a military man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrasment. When a woman talks dirty to a military man, it's $3.95 a minute.
A: When a military man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harrasment. When a woman talks dirty to a military man, it's $3.95 a minute.
- Isikar
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What does Saddam Husain and General Custer have in common?
They both are wondering where all those tomahawks came from.
They both are wondering where all those tomahawks came from.
- Kenneth Rines
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A boot Ensign is walking through a hospital p-way,
looking for the phone bank. He spots the phones but
realizes that he has no change.
Just then a sailor comes by swabbing the deck, and the Ensign asks the sailor if he has change?
The sailor replies, "I sure do buddy."
The Ensign, all bent out of shape grunts and says, "Is that how you address an Officer? Let's try that again, do you have change for the phone???"
"No Sir !!", the sailor replies.
Just then a sailor comes by swabbing the deck, and the Ensign asks the sailor if he has change?
The sailor replies, "I sure do buddy."
The Ensign, all bent out of shape grunts and says, "Is that how you address an Officer? Let's try that again, do you have change for the phone???"
"No Sir !!", the sailor replies.
- NavyHM
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One day, a Major calls down to the motor pool.
"Motor pool", answers a young soldier.
The Major asks, "Do you have any vehicles left to check out today?"
"Just a jeep that some jack-assed major in battalion is always using", said the soldier.
The Major, now fuming, asks, "Troop, Do you know who I am?!?
The soldier answers, "No, Do you know who I am?
"No!" answered the very angry Major.
"Good!" the troop said as he hung up the phone.
"Motor pool", answers a young soldier.
The Major asks, "Do you have any vehicles left to check out today?"
"Just a jeep that some jack-assed major in battalion is always using", said the soldier.
The Major, now fuming, asks, "Troop, Do you know who I am?!?
The soldier answers, "No, Do you know who I am?
"No!" answered the very angry Major.
"Good!" the troop said as he hung up the phone.
- Jeremy Buck
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Two Terrorists are chatting. One of them pulls out his wallet and flips through the pictures.
Proudly he pulls out two to show is friend.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. And this is my second son. He's a martyr too."
After a pause, the second terrorist says, "Ahh, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
Proudly he pulls out two to show is friend.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. And this is my second son. He's a martyr too."
After a pause, the second terrorist says, "Ahh, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
- SUNNY ALEXANDER
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An Army "gunney goes to the Pearly Gates ,and is met by St.Peter. The "gunney" says` I`m not going in ,if theres` any Marines in there."St.Peter says` don`t worry ,we have no Marines in here.The "gunney" goes in,soon he comes running back .He`s yelling you lied. I just saw the biggest MARINE I ever saw,HE had on dress blues,medales,hash marks. St.Peter says` thats`not a MARINE thats` JESUS, HE always wanted to be a MARINE.
- Mike McCahill
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A 10 year old boy asked a coach of a youth athletic team why his nickname was "Army." The coach explained that he was a recent veteran of the United States Army. The kid, with a purplexed look on his face, asked, (after about 10 seconds), "Were you only in Basic Training, or were you in the real shoot 'em up, kill 'em, Army?"
- Sgt Minton, USMC 0311
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Two GIs were driving through Texas and going a little fast when the local County Mounty appeared behind them with his lights flashing. After stopping their Duece and a half on the shoulder the Sheriff climbed on the running board and asked for their papers. When he finished he told them that it didn't matter if they were in the Army they would Obey the local laws and then struck the driver with his night stick right between the eyes. He procede to walk to the passenger side and mounted the Running Board and struck the Passenger between the eyes also. When the GI asked why The County Sherriff answered that he was just making his wish come true. ??? He continued, Just about 1/2 a mile doen the road you are going to be wishing that, "that asshole had done that to you."
- Mike Howell
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