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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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Stories I told at my CPO initiation. "Why did the Indians lose their wars? Because they had a Chief in charge!" Also the definition of gross ignorance - 144 Chiefs.
- Myrna F. Arnold
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When he found out I was a veteran, one of my English 101 students thought he would score more points on his narrative paper by relating a military story. He wrote:
"I was in a bar, and after a few beers, I went to the head. A sailor was already there. When we finished, I started out, and he said 'In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands after urinating.' I told him, 'In the Marines, they teach us not to piss in our hands."
At the bottom of his paper, I wrote, "In the Army, we expect you to know that much before you get to basic."
- Larry Donaldson
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Upon my retirement I went to the Social Security Office to apply. When the girl asked for my social security number I fumbled through my wallet looking for it. Unable to find it I said I would go home to get it. She said that if I did that I would have to reschedule. She then said , "Open your shirt". I said what and she repeated her order. So, I started unbuttoning my shirt, was told to stop, and she then said that she knew I was of age for social security. I asked how she knew that and she said, "Your chest hair is white, not dark or gray, so that's how I know." I thought that her test was pretty neat and when I arrived back home I had to tell my wife about my experiance. Not impressed one bit with my story she replied, " She should have also told you to drop your pants. ( I don't usually wear underwear ) You would have probably received total disabilty."
- Larry Donaldson
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Before my retirement my wife and I were discussing our ages, etc.etc. Later that night as I was in bed deeply engrossed in a book she was in the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror. She said to me, " Hon, I'm old, getting fat, starting to have wrinkles, and my hair is turning gray. I really need a compliment right about now". I always tell my wife how beautiful she is to me but tonight I switched tactics. I rolled over and looked in the bathroom door at her and said, "But hon,think of the women your age whose eyesight isn't as good as yours". Needless to say I didn't need the air-conditioner on for about a week.
- Larry Donaldson
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While stationed at Fort Benning I was in downtown Columbus traffic. The car in front of me quickly came to a stop as I was staring at a large breasted brunette in shorts that were very, very, short. Yep! I bumped into his car. Now accidents are a serious thing no matter how minor but this soon became humorous. The driver whose car I bumped slowly opened his door, at this point I figured there was going to be a quarrel, and jumped out. To my amazement he was a dwarf. He walks back to my car and as I roll down thw window and look at him he says, "I am not happy"! I couldn't let that one slip by so I replied, "What's your name then? Sleepy, Doc, Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy or.....
- Larry Donaldson
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My wife is most definitely of the jealous sort. At a unit reunion near my home town a bunch of us slipped away and captured the hotel's bar and lounge. We were sitting at a table when I noticed an old girlfriend at the bar really pounding down her drinks. I kept watching her and my wife turned around to see who I was staring at. She turned back towards me and with fire in her eyes and a booby-trap in her mouth she inquired why I was so interested in the woman at the bar. Caution, on my part, was most needed at this point so I replied, " I used to know her before you and I got married. She was my girlfriend and had plans of marriage and I broke her heart when I left for the Army and broke up with her. I was told that after that she took to the bottle and became a drunk. Pity". With that said, my wife took one last look at her tipping down another glass and slowly turned back towards me and went, "Hurmmph". With cold ice in her eyes now she said," I didn't know that anyone could celebrate that long". Guys, you will never win.
- LT NESTOR PEREZ
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CAPTAIN SMITH FORGOT HIS ANNIVERSARY AND HIS WIFE WAS ON HIM LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT. SHE TELLS HIM IN THE MORNING SHE WANTS SOMETHING THAT WILL GO FROM 0 TO 150 OR MORE IN 0 TO 6 SECONDS....... SITTING IN THE DRIVEWAY FIRST THING IN THE MORNING..... SO HE GOES TO BED.... CAN'T SLEEP.... SO IN THE MORNING HE LEAVES FOR BASE TO WORK... SHE GETS UP AND LOOKS OUT SIDE... SURE INOFF THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DRIVE WAY .... GETS ON HE ROBE AND GOES DOWN THERE BRINGS BACK THIS COVERED PACKAGE OPENS IT UP ..... INSIDE IS A BATHROOM SCALE............................... NOTE..... FUNERAL FOR THE CAPTAIN THIS FRIDAY............ CLOSED COFFIN....
- Rodney
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Basic training, Drill Sgt up on hill tells Pvt to go down the hill and tell the Major to come up to see him. Trainee goes down and tells Major. Major says you tell the Sgt if he wants to see him to come down here. Pvt runs back up the hill and tells Sgt what Major says. The Sgt says tell the Major to get his but up there now, or else. Pvt runs back down the hill and tells the Major that the Sgt says to get his but up there now. The Major is foaming at the mouth, and tells the Pvt to go back up there and tell the Sgt to come down here. The Pvt starts back up the hill and turns around to the Major,he says, Major if you know the Sgt like I do, you'll get your but up there now.
- Eli
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Admiral:Soldier, do you have any change for a dollar?
Soldier:Sure buddy.
Admiral:That's no way to talk to a admiral now do you have any change for a dollar?
Soldier:NO SIR!
Soldier:Sure buddy.
Admiral:That's no way to talk to a admiral now do you have any change for a dollar?
Soldier:NO SIR!
- PHILLIP [SKIP] RIDER
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While standing in a very long checkout line at the USAF commissary, I started up a conversation with the older gentleman in line ahead of me. Based on his drawl, I could tell he was obviously a Southerner and I really enjoyed listening to stories of things he had done while in the service. He in turn asked me about what I did in the USCG, making the time pass more pleasantly. Before I knew it, we were at the head of the line. Just as he started to push his cart to the next open register, a middle-aged woman cut in front of him and began putting her groceries on the belt. Before he could say a word, she looked him square in the eye and in a very rude tone declared ?I am the Colonel?s wife!? Without missing a beat the retiree put forth his best smile and replied ?Well Ma?am, you tell him we all just love his chicken!?
- jj
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TOLD TO TREAT HIS MILITARY HOUSING AS HE WOULD IF HE OWNED IT, THE CHIEF QUICKLY MOUNTED A SIGN IN THE FRONT YARD. "FOR SALE"
- E.L.MORELL
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HOW COME PEOPLE DON'T TELL THE TRUTH IS BEYOND ME.THERE WAS THIS LADY WHO ALWAY SHOPS AT THIS CLOTHING STORE AND EVERYTIME WHEN SHE PAIDS HER BILL THIS TALKING BIRD SAYS TO HER , YOU ARE ONE WOMAN UGLY WOMAN&&*( SO AFTER A YEAR OF THIS THE WOMAN CONFRONTED THE OWNER. I SPEND A LOTS OF MONEY HERE AND EVERTYIME I COME IN HERE THAT BIRD ALWAY DISS ME, THE OWNER SAID MA I AM SORRY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN I PROMISE YOU! SO A FEW WEEKS LATER THE WOMAN CAME BACK AS SHE WAS SHOPPING SHE WAS TAKING A PEEK AT THE BIRD TO SEE WHAT HE WAS DOING THE BIRD WAS NOT MAKING A SOUND SHE PAID HER BILL AND SHE WAS LEAVING THE STORE SHE LOOKED BACK AT THE BIRD AND THE BIRD SAID """OH YOU KNOW""
- Rufus John Wilson
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A Grneral driving by a retired DAV home standing in his yard and ask the Soldier where the road went in front of him, Soldier said he didn't know!, seeing the crossroad ahead, ask where it went to the right, Soldier replied I don't Know! General said you don't anything, do you, yard bird? the soldier told the GENERal! I am not lost's SIR!
- Dan Holdredge
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An ensign and sergeant first-class are in a public restroom. The SFC finishes his business and walks out. A few minutes later the ensign catches up with him and says, "Sergeant, in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we use the head", to which the SFC replies, "Sir, in the Army they teach us not to piss in our hands."
- elisebette gersch
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Two hard corp soldiers are standing in their living room. The visiting one stares at an artillery round sitting mid-center of the living room.He finally can't stand it anymore and asks why there's an artillery round in his living room. The first soldier says "hell man I've got a 14 year old daughter! what would you do?"
- David
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