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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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Introductions
Three 'gentlemen' are seated together on a cross-country plane trip.
After about an hour the first gentleman, by way of breaking the ice, puts down his New York Times and announces - "My name is Jonathon Smith."
"Lt. General."
"U.S. Army."
"Retired."
"Served in Korea and Vietnam."
"Married."
"Two sons."
"Both Doctors."
He picks up his paper and continues to read.
About half an hour later, the second gentleman puts down his Washington Post and says, "Dillard Jones.
"Major General."
"U.S. Air Force."
"Retired."
"Served in Vietnam and Gulf War I."
"Married."
"Two sons."
"Both Lawyers."
He then picks up his paper and continues to read.
Later on, the third man puts down his Dailey Racing Form and grunts, "Gus Miller."
"Gunnery Sergeant."
"U.S. Marines Corps"
"Discharged"
"Served in Korea and Vietnam and Gulf War I and Gulf War II."
"NEVER married."
"Two sons, -------- Both Generals!"
- James Trumps
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There's Something about a Gunny . . . .
One day, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was invited to dine with his Commander in the field mess.
When they entered the mess area they found the place quite crowded.
They finally noticed a table with two empty chairs. There were three lieutenants seated there, so the Colonel asked if they might join them. The lieutenants, of course, promptly invited them to join the table. The Colonel and the Gunny ordered lunch and engaged in light conversation as they ate.
At one point the Gunny mentioned that he had observed characteristics about many officers from which he could normally determine the sources of their commissioning. The lieutenants were eager to hear about this and asked if he could tell how each of them had been commissioned.
The Gunny turned to the lieutenant on his left and said that the he had received his commission through attendance at ROTC. The young officer confirmed that this was indeed correct and asked how the Gunny had figured determined this. The Gunny replied that by his conversation the lieutenant seemed to have a strong academic background but limited military experience.
The Gunny then told the lieutenant on his right that he had gone through OCS after previously serving as an enlisted man. The lieutenant confirmed that was indeed the case, and asked how the Gunny had figured it out. The Gunny replied that the lieutenant?s conversation indicated that he had a firm military background and a lot of common sense, but not much book learning.
At this, the third lieutenant asked the Gunny if he had determined how he had received his commission. The Gunny promptly replied that the lieutenant had graduated from the United States Naval Academy. The young officer stated that this was correct and asked if the Gunny had noticed his high level of intelligence, precise military bearing, or other
superior qualities acquired at the Naval Academy. The Gunny replied that it was none of these that had tipped him off, he merely observed the lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his nose.
- CPO LV Milito
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The Chief and The Devil
The Chief finally dies and the Devil tells the head demon that he personally is going up to Earth to bring The Chief's soul to hell.
The Devil has been waiting for this day for many years as the Chief is the meanest, nastiest and most sinful person he has ever seen.
A short time later The Devil returns without The Chief and he looks like he?s been in a terrible fight! His horns are bent, one eye is bloody, his face is bruised, he has teeth missing, his tail has a square knot tied in it.
The Devil's pitchfork is bent and all of the points are broken and he?s using it as a crutch.
"What in the world happened to you and where is The Chief? Asked the head demon.
The Devil answered, "The Chief will be here in 30 minutes and we have to get this place cleaned up for his inspection". The head demon says, "His inspection? Why are we being inspected by the Chief boss?"
The Devil turns slowly with tears in his one good eye and says, "DON'T CALL ME BOSS!"
- Darrin
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OREO'S CAN BE DANGEROUS..
The first time the USAF sent me on temp duty by myself, I experienced probably the most embarrassing moment in my life, which I tell here in hopes that other butter bars out there won't make the same mistake.
I was traveling from Wright-Patterson AFB OH to Vandenberg AFB CA one spring, and the flight scheduled me for a 2-hour lay-over in the St. Louis MO airport.
I decided to hit the snack bar and bought a cup of coffee, a package of Oreos and a newspaper. After giving the cashier the nine bucks or so that these items cost, I scanned the crowded sitting areaa for a place to relax. The lounge was crowded, but there appeared to be a spot across from a fellow in a military uniform of some sort. "Great!" I thought, another solider.
Maybe he can tell me about life in the forces...
With my coffee on the right side of the table, my newspaper on the left and my oreos in the center, I sat down before I took my first close look at the man oppsite me. He was a Marine Corps Brigadier General-a mean looking man with no hair, an honest-to-God scar on his foreheadand about 6 rows of ribbons, including the Silver Star with a cluster. To me, the General had horns, fangs, a pitchfork and a long pointed tail as well.
I was already committed to using the table, but not wanting to bother the general. I meekly squeaked out, "Good morning, sir" before sitting down. I had begun the paper's crossword puzzle and was making good progress when I heard a peculiar sound, much like the crinkling of cellophane.
I looked up out of the corner of my eye to discover that the general had reached across the center of the table, opened the package of Oreos, taken one out and was eating it.
Now, not having attended the Air Force Academy, I was not familiar with how to deal with the finer points of military etiquette, such as what to do when a senior member of another service calmly rips off one of your cookies. Several responses came to mind, but none of these seemed entirely appropriated.
I relized that the honor of the Air Force was, in a small way, at stake here. I certainly couldn't let the general think I was a complete weenie. Besides, at the airport prices, one oreo is a significant fraction of take home pay for a 2nd LT. The only response I could make was to reach across the center of the table, open the opposite end of the package (trying not to notice that the other end had mysteriously come open somehow), extract an Oreo and eat it very, very throughly.
"There", I thought, "I've subtly shown the general that these are my Oreos, and he should go buy his own." Marines are known for many qualilies, but subtlety is not among them. The general calmly reached out for another Oreo and ate it. (By the way, the general was licking the middles out of the 1st before eating the cookies.)
Not having said anything the 1st time, of course, I couldn't bring up now. The only thing to do was to take another cookie for myself. We wound up alternating through the entire package. For an istant our eyes met, and there was palpable tension in the air, but neither of us said a word.
After I had finished the last Oreo, they announced something over the public address system. The general got up, put his papers back into his briefcase, picked up the now empty wrapper, threw it away, brushed the few crumbs neatly off the table and left. I sat there marveling at his gall and feeling very foolish.
A fw minutes later, they announced my flight. I felt a great deal more foolish when I finished my coffee, threw the cup away and lifted my newspaper to reveal... my Oreos!
Today, 2 of us are running around the Armed Forces telling the same story, but only 1 of us has the punch line. And General, if you are reading this, get in touch with me and I will be glad to send you a case of Oreos.
Even though I was in the army I still think this was pretty good.
- Tom Porter
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MALE BLOND JOKE
Three buddies worked for a construction company, building skyscrapers. The one thing they had in common was that they nearly always had the same thing for lunch each day.
One particular day, after being fed up with corn beef every day, the one friend said, "If my wife fixes me one more corn beef sandwich for lunch, I'm going to jump right off of this building".
The second guy, said, "If my wife give me one more taco, I'm jumping too!"
The blond guy said, If I get one more bologna sandwich, I'll jump with you fellas".
Sure enough, the next day, they all had the same lunch as they had all month long. After opening his lunch pack and finding corn beef, the first man jumped 53 stories to his death. The other friend found another taco in his lunch and also jumped to his death as well. The blond friend opened his balogna sandwich and immediately jumped to his death.
At the funeral, the wives happened to meet and expressed shock and dismay at their husbands' decisions.
"If I only knew he hated corned beef so, I would have never given it to him every day" she said through much sobbing and tears.
The other said, "If I knew he hated tacos so much, I would have given him so many differnt things but now it is too late".
They both looked at the blond's wife and she said, "Don't look at me, he fixed his own lunches!"
- David R. Parsons
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TRUE STORY....Being in a mobile outfit, we had to simulate war games. A Captain ask a Airman to move a large container with the 10,000 forklift because the simulated wt tag read "WT 10,000 lbs". Ater kicking the container, the airman realized he could hand-carry the unit. The Captain was not impressed and "ORDERED" the airman to use the forklift. The airman later said if he were thinking, he would have simulated himself to be a 3-star general and let the captain know what he thought
- terrence davis
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A young Marine took his first time date to a swanky restaurant in Honolulu. This was back in the 1950's. The girl ordered Pheasant under Glass. After their meal the Marine asks for the check. His date's dinner cost $12.00. A lot of money back then. He asked the head waiter why it cost so much. The waiter explained that in Hawaii Pheasant under Glass was a rare dish, and only the breasts of the bird could be used and it took much prep time. He paid the check. Walking down the street after dinner he asked his date if she would like an after dinner drink. She agreed and the waiter asked for her preference. She said she would have a Horses's Neck. Then asked the Marine and he replied, "Just bring me the Horse's ass, ain't no need in killing two horses's.
- lashanda johnson
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A man was feeling suicidal, so he called the emergency help center. The call was answered by a man in Pakistan. I told him that I was feeling suicidal and he got excited and asked "Can you drive a Truck?"
- Sam Flores
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Two Soldiers were required to sit through General's Boring speech. After about an hour one soldier looks at the other and says, "my butt is falling asleep." The other one responded and said, "I know, I heard it snore three times."
- Larry Donaldson
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True story! D-1-1; BCT; Ft. Jackson,SC. During basic we had a young man from Tennessee who seemed to have trouble with "military courtesy." When not in formation we doubled-timed everywhere. Every morning it was from the barracks to the mess hall and from the mess hall back to the barracks. This young Tennesseean had the misforture to almost always run into the training officer, a second lieutenant. Slowing to a walk the required three paces in front of the officer he would snap an excellent salute and yell "Good morning Lieutenant!" The lieutenant would then halt him and admonish him for not giving the proper greeting of the day...."Good morning, SIR!" This happened many times and those of us who finished chow first and were back at the barracks would watch out the door and windows for this comical beginning of our day. At last it happened. We watched the same thing for the umteenth time and at the end of the ass-chewing and repeated drill of salutes and greetings of the day the young recruit asked permission to ask the officer a question. Permission was granted and the Tennesseean asked, " Sir! Are you ashamed to be a lieutenant"? The lieutenant started to shake and went red and dropped him for 50 but the young recruit became our First Sergeant's favorite recruit!
- L Palileo
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In USAF Basic Training in Texas, before assigning the troops to police the surrounding area of the barracks, the training instructor ordered, ?all who have a college degree, stand to the left, and all with only with a high school diploma, stand to the right.? The training instructor then directed the group with a college degree to start picking up empty cans, cigarette butts, etc., and those with only with high school diploma to ?watch them so you may learn something from them.?
- Earl Whited
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A sailors wife walked into wal-mart to buy her husband a rod and, reel for his birthday. She dosen't know which one to get so she just grabs one,and goes over to the counter. A Wal-mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir.Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel"? He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind,but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around combination,and it's on sale this week for only $20.00." She says,"It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse ,her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh that sounds like a Master Card," he says, She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks,"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50"? He replies, "Yes ma'am,the rod and reel is $20.00, but duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."
- jack
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A large group of taliban soldiers are moving down the road when they hear a voice call from a sand dune.
"One US Soldier is better than 10 taliban."
The taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the sand dune. A gun battle breaks out and lasts for several minutes. Then there is silence.
Furious, the taliban commander sends his next best 100 soldiers over the sand dune, and instancely a gun battle commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again there is silence.
The same voice calls out, "One US Soldier is better than 1000 taliban."
The enraged taliban commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rockets and machinegun fire rings out as hugh battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually,one wounded taliban soldier crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send anymore men. Its a trap. There's two of them."
- Dan Brown ML-1
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Q. What do you do,next,if a blonde throws a pin at you?
A Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth.
- Dave Carter
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This actually happened: A young airman was walking to the chow hall for lunch, in uniform, minus his hat. A First Sergeant approached the young man and asked, "Where is your hat?" "In my pocket," replied the airman. "How come it's not on you head?" the First Shirt asked. The airman answered, "Because I can't get my head in my pocket." I don't remember seeing that airman around the base much after that.
- Larry Donaldson
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