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MILITARY JOKES
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It was during the Viet-Nam war at Ft. Jackson BCT involving a young recruit who was as gullible a can be! Due to a miscount because of his short stature this young E-1 was issued a broom instead of an M-16 to qualify with. The Drill told him to point the broom at the target and yell "Bang-bang!" He did as ordered and sure enough the targets all fell down and he qualified as expert. The same thing happen on the auto-rifle course in AIT when he was told to just yell, "Brat a-tat-tat!" When he went for bayonet qualification he was told to yell "Jab! Jab!" He qualified as expert on all the courses. Finally, he was sent to the 'Nam. After four months of patrolling, ambushes, LP's and OP's, his unit finally got to pull "Palace Guard" on the main fire base's "Green Line." One night, January, 1968, it happened. The NVA launched a major ground assult directed at the camp during Tet! All hell broke loose. Weapons of every caliber cut loose and our faithful "Guardian of the Broom" raised his broom and yelling, "Bang -bang, Brat-a tat-tat", he wasted every NVA that assulted his position........except one! No matter what he did this lone NVA kept coming at him. "Bang-bang, Brat-a-tat-tat", over and over and finally when close enough..... over the din of the battle, you could hear " Jab-jab! Jab-jab!" Then all of a sudden through the dust and smoke of the attack, we saw the young American.Laying there seriously wounded, the "Guardian of the Broom" heard the NVA speaking in English, the words fading as the NVA continued along his merry way across the camp!"Clank! Clank! I'm a tank! Clank! Clank! I'm a tank!
- Lloyd Pearson
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An old man lands in Paris and approaches a very short tempered French customs agent who grumpily asks the old man for his passport. As the old man fumbles around, the Frenchman agrily tells the old man he is holding up the line and asks him if he has ever been to France before. The old man replies yes, once. The Angry customs agent tells him that he should know to have his passport ready to show to the French customs agent. The old man takes a slow breath than says look, when I came to France in WWII I didn't have a passport and couldn't have found a Frenchman around to show it to if I did.
- Scout
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True Story: Due to poor planning, our daughter planned her wedding when our son was in boot. A persuasive letter to the CO got him a one day release. Looking sharp in his khakis, Mom was totally surprised and had a happy cry. His return to camp was at twilight and upon entering the door, with him being backlit, the DI's initially mistook him for an officer and jumped up to salute. Quickly recovering, supressing grins, they ordered him to drop & do twenty.
- Kit Carter
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Drafting Guys Over 60
I?m over 60 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists.
(You can't be older than 42 to join the military.)
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one." Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
- Charlotte Judkins-Whitaker
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True story, I was standing in formation once and enjoyed observing a LT Col dressing down a butter bar. It seems that there was an issue between the young officer and a E deuce. Turns out the E deuce had made the right decession in a matter that the butter bar had derided him for. It came to the Btn Commanders attention who reminded the 2nd Lt that the E duece had been promoted once already!
- Orville
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Just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but youre being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, "Good morning, General"
- Ron
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Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor." The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain and no one noticed anything - Then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!"
- Dave Vaught
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A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea
duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
*T*he ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message,
and he was even more surprised when he read, "/My personal
congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise
according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way./"
- Dave Vaught
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A Navy officer and a Marine gunny were in the head taking a leak. After they finished, the gunny walked out and down the hall. The Navy officer caught up with him and said in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The marine said in the Marines they teach us not to piss in our hands.
- Phil Futral
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A moment of silent prayer, please, for the submarine sailor who insisted on sleeping with the windows open.
- Argent
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A Marine was attending night classes at a local college. The professor, an avowed and very vocal atheist entered and looking to the ceiling, in a loud voice that stunned the students, said, "God, I'll give you 15 minutes to knock me off this dias." After 10 minutes he said, "God, I'm still waiting!" With only a minute to go, the Marine stepped up and with a punch to the jaw, knocked the professor to the floor and off the dias. "What the heck did you do that for?", he asked. "Well", said the Marine, "God was busy protecting the men and women who are defending your right to say crap and act like an idiot, so he sent me!"
- Dan Seabolt
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A retired military couple, one an air force lt. colonel and his ever-nagging wife, a navy capitan, were vacationing in the holy land. While there, the wife died. The undertaker told the colonel, you can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here in the holy land for just $150. The colonel thought about it and decided to just have her shipped home. Astonished, the undertaker asked why he would pay $5,000 to ship her home when most would jump at the chance to be buried in the holy land and it would only be $150.
The colonel replied, True, but long ago you buried a man here and three days later he rose from the dead. I'm afraid I just can't take that chance...
- Rick Backstrom
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One day 3 (2nd Class, 1st Class & CPO) sailors were walking to the EM club for noon chow. The 2nd class saw something nice and shinny floating in the water next to a pier. He reaches down to retrieve it and it was an Aladdins Lamp. When the lamp finally dried out a Genie popped and says I grant each one of you 1 wish. The 2nd class went first and wished for "to have no need for money for the rest of my life" Poof the Genie sent him to a deserted island. The 1st class went next. I wish for "To live in Hawaii & be rich for the rest of my life". Poof he sent him to Hawaii with a never ending bank account. Now it was the chiefs turn and I wish for "what ever the first 2 wished for, I want them back on the ship by 1300 hours.
- Joe Dutton
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One day, years ago, my mother and I were walking together toward the library at Fort Lee, Virginia. We were about to cross an alleyway, when we were surprised by an Army truck coming toward us at a fast clip. Mother and I jumped back out of the way. The driver, an Army Sgt., slowed the truck down, leaned out the window, and said to my mother, "Don't worry, I wouldn't hit you -- there's too much paperwork in it.
- Skipper Joy Wolters
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