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MILITARY JOKES
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One day while the general had been observing the troops during one of their camouflage tactics, he saw a tree "jump". Calling to my friend, who was his driver, he told them to take him on down to where the movable tree was. When they got there, the general told the "tree" to identify himself. "Sir, Private Jones, Sir. "
"Private Jones, you realize your very actions could have cost the lives of your entire company. Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
"Sir, I didn't rustle my upper branches when a flock of pigeons used me for bombing practice. Nor did I move when a large dog came up and lifted his leg on my trunk. But when two squirrels ran up my pant leg, saying how they were going to eat one now, and save the other for later - that did it!!"
"Private Jones, you realize your very actions could have cost the lives of your entire company. Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
"Sir, I didn't rustle my upper branches when a flock of pigeons used me for bombing practice. Nor did I move when a large dog came up and lifted his leg on my trunk. But when two squirrels ran up my pant leg, saying how they were going to eat one now, and save the other for later - that did it!!"
- Paul A. Simminger
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My Uncle Mackey was born in Japan, his father being an American Diplomat. When Mackey joined the Army during World War II, he was called in to the Commandant's quarters.
The Commandant questioned, "Why were you born in Japan?" He replied, "Because when I was born, I was close to my mother!"
The Commandant questioned, "Why were you born in Japan?" He replied, "Because when I was born, I was close to my mother!"
- Paul Kirchheiner
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I happen to remember this true story.
We had one man in our group and his wife was in a nearby motel, so he would go see her every night and come in very late. One night we wanted to play a trick, so we carried his bunk, locker, and all of his clothes and put them on top of the hut we lived in.
When he came in late one night, we pulled the fuse out of the box and he could not find his bunk or anything else. He went buck wild and turned over every bed, and ran us all outside which made the cadre wakeup. For this we spent some time on the black top for pulling such a trick....
We had one man in our group and his wife was in a nearby motel, so he would go see her every night and come in very late. One night we wanted to play a trick, so we carried his bunk, locker, and all of his clothes and put them on top of the hut we lived in.
When he came in late one night, we pulled the fuse out of the box and he could not find his bunk or anything else. He went buck wild and turned over every bed, and ran us all outside which made the cadre wakeup. For this we spent some time on the black top for pulling such a trick....
- Robert Costner
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How many gears did the Italian tanks have in WW2?
Five, 4 for driving backwards and 1 for driving forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind!
Five, 4 for driving backwards and 1 for driving forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind!
- Martin Telinius
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True Story
In the Finnish War of Continuation 1941-44, the Russians had surrounded Viipuri, a Finnish strategic town. My grandfather, who was in it, had to cross the river to get to safety with his company. One of the guys couldn't swim, but when he saw the Russians coming he jumped in the river, kicking his arms and legs.
He was the first man to get to the other side :).
In the Finnish War of Continuation 1941-44, the Russians had surrounded Viipuri, a Finnish strategic town. My grandfather, who was in it, had to cross the river to get to safety with his company. One of the guys couldn't swim, but when he saw the Russians coming he jumped in the river, kicking his arms and legs.
He was the first man to get to the other side :).
- Martin Telinius
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When an Iraqi is playing bingo, what number is he least likely to hear?
B-2
B-2
- Daniel Suipik
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There were two Air-Force recruits digging in a hole. One said to the other, "Why are we in this hole and the big shot is standing up there watching us dig?" The other replied, "I don't know, but I will go up and ask him."
He climbed out of the hole and asked the big shot why he was up there watching us dig below. He came back from talking to the big shot and said, "He said he has rank over us." The other guy asked "What is rank," and he replied, "I don't know, but I will go ask."
He climbed out of the hole and asked the Big Shot what rank was. The Big shot then stood in front of a tree with his hand on the tree and told the recruit to hit his hand with the shovel as hard as he could. The recruit picked up the shovel and swung the shovel hard, and as soon as the shovel got close, the Big Shot moved out of the way and the recruit hit the tree with the shovel, hurting his own arms and hands!
The Big Shot stated, "That is rank, now go down and dig the hole."
The recruit then climbed back down into the hole and started to dig some more when the other asked, "Well, what is rank?" The recruit who knew looked for a tree, but did not see one in the hole, so he put his hand in front of the other recruits face and said, "Hit my hand as hard as you can with the shovel!!"
He climbed out of the hole and asked the big shot why he was up there watching us dig below. He came back from talking to the big shot and said, "He said he has rank over us." The other guy asked "What is rank," and he replied, "I don't know, but I will go ask."
He climbed out of the hole and asked the Big Shot what rank was. The Big shot then stood in front of a tree with his hand on the tree and told the recruit to hit his hand with the shovel as hard as he could. The recruit picked up the shovel and swung the shovel hard, and as soon as the shovel got close, the Big Shot moved out of the way and the recruit hit the tree with the shovel, hurting his own arms and hands!
The Big Shot stated, "That is rank, now go down and dig the hole."
The recruit then climbed back down into the hole and started to dig some more when the other asked, "Well, what is rank?" The recruit who knew looked for a tree, but did not see one in the hole, so he put his hand in front of the other recruits face and said, "Hit my hand as hard as you can with the shovel!!"
- Jack Worthen
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A True Story
We were on a night march during boot camp and the guy in front of me asked the Sgt. "May I please fall out of line and pee?"
The Sgt. replied affirmatively to him, "No, and wait till we get to camp!"
The only problem was this guy could wait no longer, so he proceeded to urinate on the guy marching in front of him wetting him very nicely. Of course my buddies and I had to laugh out loud, so we were reprimanded and got gigged.
We were on a night march during boot camp and the guy in front of me asked the Sgt. "May I please fall out of line and pee?"
The Sgt. replied affirmatively to him, "No, and wait till we get to camp!"
The only problem was this guy could wait no longer, so he proceeded to urinate on the guy marching in front of him wetting him very nicely. Of course my buddies and I had to laugh out loud, so we were reprimanded and got gigged.
- Robert Costner
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Being a former military pre-Volar, I remembered how hard basic training was for me. When my son went to Basic...I worried heavily as to how were they treating my baby! I asked my son, "How are you doing babe?"
His response came, "Gee mom, after being raised by you, this is a picnic!"
His response came, "Gee mom, after being raised by you, this is a picnic!"
- Catherine
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After several days of boot camp at Fort Knox, Ky. we all fell out for morning work call. The drill Sgt. looked at my 17 year old face and asked me if I shaved this morning. I told him I did and he stated that it was not good enough and for me to go and do it again.
I went to the latrine and lathered up like all the big guys and commenced to shave again. I returned to formation and the drill Sgt. looked at the peach fuzz on my face. Wand said, "I told you to go shave," to which I replied, "I did." He took me in to the latrine and watched me shave.
After I finished he asked to see my razor. He then stated that I would have to take the cardboard blade out and put a real live blade in. I didn't know, but I tried to do it like the big boys did.
I went to the latrine and lathered up like all the big guys and commenced to shave again. I returned to formation and the drill Sgt. looked at the peach fuzz on my face. Wand said, "I told you to go shave," to which I replied, "I did." He took me in to the latrine and watched me shave.
After I finished he asked to see my razor. He then stated that I would have to take the cardboard blade out and put a real live blade in. I didn't know, but I tried to do it like the big boys did.
- George Gosney
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True Story
My wife and I decided that when I returned home from my deployment on a carrier to the coast of Vietnam we would spend a night, just the two of us. We would leave our four year old daughter with relatives. Upon arriving at Travis AFB there stood my mother, wife, daughter and sister-in-law. We drove to the home of my brother. I changed clothes. Prior to my wife and I leaving for the evening I explained to my daughter that daddy had been gone a long time so Daddy was taking Mommy out for the evening for a treat, like a movie or dancing and dinner. I told her we would stay overnight at a hotel and will pick her up the next day.
The next day came. My wife and I stopped at my brothers home to pick up our 4 year old. As I walked in my mother started to laugh. I asked her what was so funny. She explained that she took my daughter with her to the beauty saloon. My daughter was so happy that she was jumping around with excitement.
An elderly woman proceeded to ask my daughter why she was so happy. My daughter told the lady that, "My daddy just got home from Vietnam and took my mommy to a hotel for a treat!"
My wife and I decided that when I returned home from my deployment on a carrier to the coast of Vietnam we would spend a night, just the two of us. We would leave our four year old daughter with relatives. Upon arriving at Travis AFB there stood my mother, wife, daughter and sister-in-law. We drove to the home of my brother. I changed clothes. Prior to my wife and I leaving for the evening I explained to my daughter that daddy had been gone a long time so Daddy was taking Mommy out for the evening for a treat, like a movie or dancing and dinner. I told her we would stay overnight at a hotel and will pick her up the next day.
The next day came. My wife and I stopped at my brothers home to pick up our 4 year old. As I walked in my mother started to laugh. I asked her what was so funny. She explained that she took my daughter with her to the beauty saloon. My daughter was so happy that she was jumping around with excitement.
An elderly woman proceeded to ask my daughter why she was so happy. My daughter told the lady that, "My daddy just got home from Vietnam and took my mommy to a hotel for a treat!"
- Michael J. Bonner
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Fresh out of boot camp, I arrived at my first duty station. During some 'down time' at work one day I decided to look busy by polishing brasswork around the shop.
Eventually, I worked my way back to the AOC Clark's office and, noticing a brass door knob, I asked the Chief if he wanted me to polish his knob. He replied, "Honey, you can polish my knob anytime you want to!" Talk about Most Embarrassing Moments...
Eventually, I worked my way back to the AOC Clark's office and, noticing a brass door knob, I asked the Chief if he wanted me to polish his knob. He replied, "Honey, you can polish my knob anytime you want to!" Talk about Most Embarrassing Moments...
- Patty
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When I was stationed in South Korea, with the 7th aviation Bn. I was in the arms room and this warrant officer came in looking down. I asked him what was wrong and he said he took helicopter with two side mounted m-60's on it and he wanted to do some target practice with it.
I asked him how he did and he answered not too damn good I fired 40,000 thousand rounds at a 55 gal drum and he only hit once. I didn't say anything till he left and I had a pretty good laugh.
I asked him how he did and he answered not too damn good I fired 40,000 thousand rounds at a 55 gal drum and he only hit once. I didn't say anything till he left and I had a pretty good laugh.
- Morris Ardle
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While serving as a Chaplain Assistant at Fort Rucker, Alabama:
After being bothered all afternoon by numerous phone calls asking me what time midnight mass was going to be, I impatiently snatched the phone off the hook and on one occasion answered, "Yeah?"
There was a short pause and then I heard, "Is that the proper way to answer the phone soldier, do you know who this is?"
I said, "No" and to that response the caller identified himself as "General Smith ", the Post Commanding General.
Trying to think fast I said, "Sir, do you know who this is?" and he said "No", to which I replied "Bye!", and hung up.
After being bothered all afternoon by numerous phone calls asking me what time midnight mass was going to be, I impatiently snatched the phone off the hook and on one occasion answered, "Yeah?"
There was a short pause and then I heard, "Is that the proper way to answer the phone soldier, do you know who this is?"
I said, "No" and to that response the caller identified himself as "General Smith ", the Post Commanding General.
Trying to think fast I said, "Sir, do you know who this is?" and he said "No", to which I replied "Bye!", and hung up.
- Mike Beucler
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When I was in basic training at Fort Campbell, Kentucky in 1971 we were in formation when the Drill Sgt. said, "Left face!"
Everyone went left except me!
I turned right and the Sgt. said, "Your other left son!"
Everyone went left except me!
I turned right and the Sgt. said, "Your other left son!"
- harleyd
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