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MILITARY JOKES
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I used to carry a roll of toilet paper in my tool box because some of the plane captains in my squadron kept canopy polish on the canopies. I didn't like not being able to see out of the A/C when working on the flight deck so any time I headed for the roof to work on a plane I grabbed a wad of toilet paper so I could clean off a couple of spots, so that I could see out of the cockpit.
One day my Division Officer walked into my shop, saw my tool box sitting open and spotted the toilet paper.
He said, "What's this for Tom, in case of emergency"?
To which I replied, "Well Mr.B, I figure we do everything for our pilots now except wipe their asses and when we start, I'm not going to get caught empty handed."
One day my Division Officer walked into my shop, saw my tool box sitting open and spotted the toilet paper.
He said, "What's this for Tom, in case of emergency"?
To which I replied, "Well Mr.B, I figure we do everything for our pilots now except wipe their asses and when we start, I'm not going to get caught empty handed."
- Tom Mullins Ex AT1
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While in boot camp we had to take turns being the barracks guard.
One day a captain walked in. Having never seen a captain before the poor new recruit on duty brought the barracks to attention by hollering:
Double Lieutenant!!!
One day a captain walked in. Having never seen a captain before the poor new recruit on duty brought the barracks to attention by hollering:
Double Lieutenant!!!
- Larry Neevel
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I enlisted in the Air Force at the age of 16. The bus driver who picked up new recruits at the airport in San Antonio was a real jokester. He told us that we would like the Air Force after we finished basic training.
He said the worst part of it was "the square needle shot in the groin". The shot was to prevent venereal diseases.
Being still wet behind the ears, I was worried he was telling the truth. I almost asked to be discharged as underage until an older ex-Limey from Britain convinced me the bus driver was just pulling my leg.
I tell you every single time we went through the shot lines, I kept a sharp eye out for any square looking needles!
He said the worst part of it was "the square needle shot in the groin". The shot was to prevent venereal diseases.
Being still wet behind the ears, I was worried he was telling the truth. I almost asked to be discharged as underage until an older ex-Limey from Britain convinced me the bus driver was just pulling my leg.
I tell you every single time we went through the shot lines, I kept a sharp eye out for any square looking needles!
- George Ferguson
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In the United States when we had liberty, (open gangway) meant if you had liberty you could go ashore at any time. When we were overseas and had liberty we could only go ashore on the half hour because we had to stand inspection by the OD.
Beside me at one of the inspections was a swabbie we called Swede. Swede had been in the Navy 5 or 6 years and had never made a rate due to his behavior. Every time he got a promotion, he would get busted within a matter of weeks.
Anyway, at this inspection by the OD (who was a newly made Ensign from ROTC), as he stepped in front of Swede to inspect him, he stared at the white hat and moved his eyes down to the shoes. When he got to Swede's shoes he said, "Swede, your shoes are polished nicely but they are old, look at mine."
To which Swede replied, " Well lets face it sir, my shoes have been in the Navy a while."
Needless to say, Swede did not get to go ashore that day.
Beside me at one of the inspections was a swabbie we called Swede. Swede had been in the Navy 5 or 6 years and had never made a rate due to his behavior. Every time he got a promotion, he would get busted within a matter of weeks.
Anyway, at this inspection by the OD (who was a newly made Ensign from ROTC), as he stepped in front of Swede to inspect him, he stared at the white hat and moved his eyes down to the shoes. When he got to Swede's shoes he said, "Swede, your shoes are polished nicely but they are old, look at mine."
To which Swede replied, " Well lets face it sir, my shoes have been in the Navy a while."
Needless to say, Swede did not get to go ashore that day.
- Ron Walker
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True Story:
While I was in USCG basic, me and a few other seaman recruits were on watch and were talking in the head, when one of the female cc's hollers in: "Why do I hear voices in my head!!!!!"
Then one of the boneheads says, "Maybe you should go for a psych evaluation!"
She ended up storming into the male head and chewed us up for a good hour, in the head!
While I was in USCG basic, me and a few other seaman recruits were on watch and were talking in the head, when one of the female cc's hollers in: "Why do I hear voices in my head!!!!!"
Then one of the boneheads says, "Maybe you should go for a psych evaluation!"
She ended up storming into the male head and chewed us up for a good hour, in the head!
- shawn
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While stationed at Cherry Point, MCAS in the early seventies, I had a friend that worked in the motor pool. One day my friend was complaining to me about a certain major that kept calling the motor pool asking to be picked up by a staff car. My friend, an enlisted man, explained to the major that staff cars were reserved for Colonels and above only. This info sent the major into a verbal tirade demeaning and demanding to know my friend's name and rank. My friend hung up on the major.
A few minutes later, the major phoned again. My friend answered and the following is the gist of the conversation:
MAJOR: This is major so and so and I requested a staff car to pick me up a few minutes ago. I still need to be picked up immediately!
E-4: I'm sorry sir, but we do not have any staff cars available at the moment.
MAJOR: Well then corporal, don't you have any jeeps with drivers available?
E-4: No sir, I'm afraid not.
MAJOR: This IS the damn motor pool isn't it?
E-4: Yes sir it is.
MAJOR: Then just what the f#$% DO you have available?
E-4: Well sir, we have the Base Commander's staff car, we have the Commanding General, 2nd MAW staff car and we have some of those big mo'foes that go chuuuu, chuuuu!!!!
He then promptly hung up!
A few minutes later, the major phoned again. My friend answered and the following is the gist of the conversation:
MAJOR: This is major so and so and I requested a staff car to pick me up a few minutes ago. I still need to be picked up immediately!
E-4: I'm sorry sir, but we do not have any staff cars available at the moment.
MAJOR: Well then corporal, don't you have any jeeps with drivers available?
E-4: No sir, I'm afraid not.
MAJOR: This IS the damn motor pool isn't it?
E-4: Yes sir it is.
MAJOR: Then just what the f#$% DO you have available?
E-4: Well sir, we have the Base Commander's staff car, we have the Commanding General, 2nd MAW staff car and we have some of those big mo'foes that go chuuuu, chuuuu!!!!
He then promptly hung up!
- R Nugent
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3 men, seated together on a plane.
One of the men says, "I was an Admiral and had 2 sons, both are lawyers."
Awhile later the 2nd gent says "I'm a General in the Army and I have 2 sons who are doctors."
After a short pause the 3rd gent says, with a smile on his face, "I was a Chief P.O. in the Navy, never got married but had two sons, one's an Admiral and the other is a General in the Army."
Awhile later the 2nd gent says "I'm a General in the Army and I have 2 sons who are doctors."
After a short pause the 3rd gent says, with a smile on his face, "I was a Chief P.O. in the Navy, never got married but had two sons, one's an Admiral and the other is a General in the Army."
- Jack Prendergsat
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While stationed at Langley AFB, Virginia, I was selected to be a Juror for a trial of a Sgt charged with insubordination to a 2nd Lieutenant. The Lieutenant testified that the Sgt had called him a "Dumb SOB", when he ordered the Sgt to do a task.
The next to testify was a Msgt who was the supervisor of the section. The prosecutor asked the Msgt if he saw the Sgt call the Lieutenant a "Dumb SOB"?
The Msgt said, "No Sir, but I heard him."
The prosecutor then asked, "Then tell us how did you know it was the Lieutenant that the Sgt was talking to?"
The Msgt said, "Because he is the only 'Dumb SOB' in the section!"
After hearing this the Judge cleared the court and the Sgt was released after getting a verbal reprimand.
The 2nd Lieutenant "SOB" was transferred to another job somewhere on the base.
The next to testify was a Msgt who was the supervisor of the section. The prosecutor asked the Msgt if he saw the Sgt call the Lieutenant a "Dumb SOB"?
The Msgt said, "No Sir, but I heard him."
The prosecutor then asked, "Then tell us how did you know it was the Lieutenant that the Sgt was talking to?"
The Msgt said, "Because he is the only 'Dumb SOB' in the section!"
After hearing this the Judge cleared the court and the Sgt was released after getting a verbal reprimand.
The 2nd Lieutenant "SOB" was transferred to another job somewhere on the base.
- George Gatewood TSgt USAF
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One of the duties of a Base Photo Lab is to update officer's official photos for their records. We had spent hours cleaning for the arrival of the Maj General or divisional commander to arrive. Upon arrival through the front door the lab was called to attention and he was taken right into the studio and photographed as required.
As he had parked behind the Lab he requested to leave by the back door. Just as the Sarg was getting ready to call the Lab to attention again a loud voice from the bathroom right next to the back door said, "One of you ass holes out there get me some toilet paper!" The General looked toward the bathroom door opening, spied a roll on the window ledge picked it up, knocked on the only door in the bathroom and leaned in just far enough to show his rank and handed the airman the toilet paper. Did an about face and left.
Sarge never did call the Lab to attention, and it took 10 minutes for the airman to get out of the bathroom.
As he had parked behind the Lab he requested to leave by the back door. Just as the Sarg was getting ready to call the Lab to attention again a loud voice from the bathroom right next to the back door said, "One of you ass holes out there get me some toilet paper!" The General looked toward the bathroom door opening, spied a roll on the window ledge picked it up, knocked on the only door in the bathroom and leaned in just far enough to show his rank and handed the airman the toilet paper. Did an about face and left.
Sarge never did call the Lab to attention, and it took 10 minutes for the airman to get out of the bathroom.
- Ben Olds
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While stationed in France with the 417th Fighter Bomber Squadron, I worked as a jet engine mechanic. When we worked on the front of the engine we had to remove the long elongate nose cover and enter it in the airplane's log.
Because it looked like a dog's penis we called it the dog pecker until one of the French women working in HQ questioned what was a dog pecker?
Orders followed quickly to use the correct nomenclature!
Because it looked like a dog's penis we called it the dog pecker until one of the French women working in HQ questioned what was a dog pecker?
Orders followed quickly to use the correct nomenclature!
- Lou Morasco
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A brand new lieutenant, fresh our of ROTC was participating in his first guard mount as "Officer of the Day". He was trying to impress everyone on the detail with his knowledge of the military.
After going through the first rank and gigging every soldier for everything from untrimmed eyebrows to twisted boot laces, he remarked to the sergeant that the heels of the first rank were lined up, but the toes however were not.
The sergeant immediately responded, "Yes sir, and I specified that no one was to report for guard mount that did not have size nine and a half feet."
After going through the first rank and gigging every soldier for everything from untrimmed eyebrows to twisted boot laces, he remarked to the sergeant that the heels of the first rank were lined up, but the toes however were not.
The sergeant immediately responded, "Yes sir, and I specified that no one was to report for guard mount that did not have size nine and a half feet."
- OLD HOSS
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While stationed in Puerto Rico in the 60's, we were "encouraged" to take a serious look at our education and to always be taking additional courses. So the night university at the local army base (Fort Buchanan) was always overrun with candidates for the 101 level of college classes.
After having taken the "Intro to music" and then the "Intro to art", I decided that the "History of western religions" class would be the next easiest 3 credits in my quest for advancement to the next rank.
The first class meeting showed me that there were quite a few others that had the same strategy as I, for the classroom was overcrowded, and the professor was a couple of minutes late.
When he arrived, he walked in quite briskly, looking at the room full of enlisted men and waited for the room to quiet. Then he asked the question, "Does anyone here know what a stoic is?"
There was a long period of silence and then a voice in the back of the room with that classic Brooklyn accent replied, "Yea, ain't dat da boid dat brings de babies?"
After having taken the "Intro to music" and then the "Intro to art", I decided that the "History of western religions" class would be the next easiest 3 credits in my quest for advancement to the next rank.
The first class meeting showed me that there were quite a few others that had the same strategy as I, for the classroom was overcrowded, and the professor was a couple of minutes late.
When he arrived, he walked in quite briskly, looking at the room full of enlisted men and waited for the room to quiet. Then he asked the question, "Does anyone here know what a stoic is?"
There was a long period of silence and then a voice in the back of the room with that classic Brooklyn accent replied, "Yea, ain't dat da boid dat brings de babies?"
- george taylor
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While in basic training back in 1977 at Ft. MC
Alabama, we were on the obstacle course and
several trainees kept falling off of the rope bridge
and failing for that part.
After about an hour of everyone falling down the senior drill sergeant said:
"Hold it ladies, let me show you the right way to do this or we will be here all night!"
So here he goes sailing through the course, and lo and behold gets to the rope bridge, slips clean and falls flat into the water, climbs back up soaked from head to toe and cracks a big smile and says:
"That was the wrong way ladies!!!"
After about an hour of everyone falling down the senior drill sergeant said:
"Hold it ladies, let me show you the right way to do this or we will be here all night!"
So here he goes sailing through the course, and lo and behold gets to the rope bridge, slips clean and falls flat into the water, climbs back up soaked from head to toe and cracks a big smile and says:
"That was the wrong way ladies!!!"
- G.W Hearl
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The General of the Army, the Marines Corps Commandant, and a fleet Admiral were walking around a military base which encompassed all branches of the service. They began to discuss who had the bravest men.
While passing the tank practice area on base, the General told his peers "Watch this." He grabbed a private passing by and said, "Soldier, stop that tank with your bare hands." The soldier saluted and barked "Yes, sir." The private stood in front of the tank and was run over. The general turned to his comrades and said, "That, gentlemen, is guts."
As they passed the grenade area, the Commandant said, "That was nothing, watch this."
He found a jarhead corporal and shouted, "Marine, fall on this grenade" as he pulled the pin and lobbed it. The marine saluted, shouted "Ooh-rah!", fell on the live pineapple, and was blown to bits. The head grunt told his companions, "That, gentlemen, is real guts!"
Finally, as the three were down by the piers, the top sea-dog said, "Let me show you two what guts are." He looked up at the mast of a destroyer where a sailor was working aloft and shouted, "Sailor, jump to the pier."
The sailor said, "Say again, sir?"
"I said jump, sailor!"
The sailor shouted back, "Up yours, admiral."
He turned to the others and said, "Now that, fellas, is real guts."
While passing the tank practice area on base, the General told his peers "Watch this." He grabbed a private passing by and said, "Soldier, stop that tank with your bare hands." The soldier saluted and barked "Yes, sir." The private stood in front of the tank and was run over. The general turned to his comrades and said, "That, gentlemen, is guts."
As they passed the grenade area, the Commandant said, "That was nothing, watch this."
He found a jarhead corporal and shouted, "Marine, fall on this grenade" as he pulled the pin and lobbed it. The marine saluted, shouted "Ooh-rah!", fell on the live pineapple, and was blown to bits. The head grunt told his companions, "That, gentlemen, is real guts!"
Finally, as the three were down by the piers, the top sea-dog said, "Let me show you two what guts are." He looked up at the mast of a destroyer where a sailor was working aloft and shouted, "Sailor, jump to the pier."
The sailor said, "Say again, sir?"
"I said jump, sailor!"
The sailor shouted back, "Up yours, admiral."
He turned to the others and said, "Now that, fellas, is real guts."
- Mike Shue
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A bit of advice for new recruits - never address the senior drill instructor as senior drill.
He ain't got no cord hanging out of his ass!
He ain't got no cord hanging out of his ass!
- sterling grindle
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