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MILITARY JOKES
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While at Fort Bragg performing motor stables duty I instructed a cherry to run like a deer and fetch me some flight line and not to come back without it or I would smoke him like a cheap cigar.
An hour later an aviation CSM called to the motorpool asking why a private was in his AO asking to be issued flightline and how much should I send him back with.
While performing a PMCS on my M-551 Sheridan I sent a cherry driver down to the BMO to get me a box gun sight reticles, and much to my amazement he came back and asked what caliber.
Standing in formation at Ft. Benning about to have our wings pinned on, a cherry said I never made a night jump.
The Sgt. airborne replied, "Yes, all of your jumps were night jumps."
I once sent a cherry to get some food for the gamma goat.
An hour later an aviation CSM called to the motorpool asking why a private was in his AO asking to be issued flightline and how much should I send him back with.
While performing a PMCS on my M-551 Sheridan I sent a cherry driver down to the BMO to get me a box gun sight reticles, and much to my amazement he came back and asked what caliber.
Standing in formation at Ft. Benning about to have our wings pinned on, a cherry said I never made a night jump.
The Sgt. airborne replied, "Yes, all of your jumps were night jumps."
I once sent a cherry to get some food for the gamma goat.
- Sterling Grindle
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Gunny Sgts. in the Marines are noted for their fowl mouths.
So when an old Gunny was getting ready to retire, he needed a part time job to buy the boat he always wanted, but no one would give him a chance...Well all but one food market!
They told the gunny he would be given a try but the first time he used fowl language he would be fired! Weeks went by without any problems, then one day while he was stocking the shelves an old lady came up looking for onions!
The gunny told her that the store was out of onions. Well, the old lady was very forgetful, she got up to the check out line and went over her list and found she didn't have onions! So she went looking for them, again she found the gunny, and asked him where the onions were?
He told her there were NO onions, so off she went to the check out line, checked her list again and was missing onions!
But now she was pissed off, so she went looking, saw the gunny, who was stocking shelves up high on a ladder. She hooked her cane around his leg and pulled him off the ladder!, and yelled "Where are the onions"??
He jumped up and remembered what he was told about his language!!!
So he says to the old lady.... "Take the pine out of pineapple and what do you have??"
She thought then said "APPLE!"
"Right!", the gunny says!
"Take the pork out of porkchops what do you have??"
She thinks and then says, "CHOPS!!!"
"Right!", says the gunny!!!
Then he says, "Take the F__K out of onions and what do you have???"
She thinks and then says, "Hey there ain't no F__K in onions!!!!"
The Gunny says, "That's right Lady, there AIN'T NO F__K In' ONIONS!!!?"
They told the gunny he would be given a try but the first time he used fowl language he would be fired! Weeks went by without any problems, then one day while he was stocking the shelves an old lady came up looking for onions!
The gunny told her that the store was out of onions. Well, the old lady was very forgetful, she got up to the check out line and went over her list and found she didn't have onions! So she went looking for them, again she found the gunny, and asked him where the onions were?
He told her there were NO onions, so off she went to the check out line, checked her list again and was missing onions!
But now she was pissed off, so she went looking, saw the gunny, who was stocking shelves up high on a ladder. She hooked her cane around his leg and pulled him off the ladder!, and yelled "Where are the onions"??
He jumped up and remembered what he was told about his language!!!
So he says to the old lady.... "Take the pine out of pineapple and what do you have??"
She thought then said "APPLE!"
"Right!", the gunny says!
"Take the pork out of porkchops what do you have??"
She thinks and then says, "CHOPS!!!"
"Right!", says the gunny!!!
Then he says, "Take the F__K out of onions and what do you have???"
She thinks and then says, "Hey there ain't no F__K in onions!!!!"
The Gunny says, "That's right Lady, there AIN'T NO F__K In' ONIONS!!!?"
- Gary S. Deskiewicz
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Back in the early 50s when I was stationed in Korea, we were told to stay away from the Korea villages. We got a new Sgt and an E4 in, and where was the first place they went?, you guessed it - the village.
Well, when they got back the E4 had a story that to this day I laugh about it. It seems the reason they were in the village was because the Sgt wanted to get something to eat. The E4 told him it wasn't a good idea, but the Sgt said., "What won't kill you, will cure you!"
An old mama san invited him to eat, she gave him a big plate of food, and the E4 said the Sgt ate it like he had not eaten in a month! When he was done he paid the old lady, then asked, "Oh by the way, what was the meat, it was real good."
The old lady did not know very good English and told him it was "mew meat".
The Sgt then asked what was "mew meat"?
She replied, "You know it say mew mew."
The Sgt then thought wait a minute there's only one animal that says mew and that's a CAT...He thru up for a solid week. I don't think he went back to the village for the whole tour after that.
Well, when they got back the E4 had a story that to this day I laugh about it. It seems the reason they were in the village was because the Sgt wanted to get something to eat. The E4 told him it wasn't a good idea, but the Sgt said., "What won't kill you, will cure you!"
An old mama san invited him to eat, she gave him a big plate of food, and the E4 said the Sgt ate it like he had not eaten in a month! When he was done he paid the old lady, then asked, "Oh by the way, what was the meat, it was real good."
The old lady did not know very good English and told him it was "mew meat".
The Sgt then asked what was "mew meat"?
She replied, "You know it say mew mew."
The Sgt then thought wait a minute there's only one animal that says mew and that's a CAT...He thru up for a solid week. I don't think he went back to the village for the whole tour after that.
- Sp/4 Lester Williams 1st Cav
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From Reader's Digest, "Humor in Uniform" -
During WWII, a very large sign was hung over a portion of the Mess Hall, which stated, FIRST THREE GRADES ONLY.
During WWII, a very large sign was hung over a portion of the Mess Hall, which stated, FIRST THREE GRADES ONLY.
- MSgt Carl Buckland, USAF (Ret)
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I was stationed at Camp Pendleton California and one
day we all got volunteered for different "keep busy"
assignments.
One Staff Sgt asked if anyone played a musical instrument? I quickly stated that I played a guitar thinking I'd get a cushy job doing something with a musical instrument.
Shortly after, the Sgt handed me a mop and told me to go ahead and
"play a tune on the floor!"
One Staff Sgt asked if anyone played a musical instrument? I quickly stated that I played a guitar thinking I'd get a cushy job doing something with a musical instrument.
Shortly after, the Sgt handed me a mop and told me to go ahead and
"play a tune on the floor!"
- Nick Sacco
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A long legged Army nurse went into an empty club on post and ordered a sandwich and a beer when she heard a voice telling her how lovely and beautiful she was.
After a few minutes she went up to the bartender and asked what gives; she hears this voice saying how lovely and beautiful she is but no one is in the place. The bartender looks at her and says, "Don't worry ma'm it's the peanuts, they're complementary."
After a few minutes she went up to the bartender and asked what gives; she hears this voice saying how lovely and beautiful she is but no one is in the place. The bartender looks at her and says, "Don't worry ma'm it's the peanuts, they're complementary."
- Ron
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One day I was training a soldier map reading. I tried to show him his location on the map.
I showed him intersecting points from one point on the map to another point on the map.
Well, he just didn't get it. I got so fed up with him I said, OK go behind us to the tree line and shake the tree. If it moves on the map this is where you are at...
I showed him intersecting points from one point on the map to another point on the map.
Well, he just didn't get it. I got so fed up with him I said, OK go behind us to the tree line and shake the tree. If it moves on the map this is where you are at...
- av8tore_71@yahoo.com
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A Captain walks into his wife's bedroom one evening with a sheep tucked under his arm and says "I'd like you to see the pig I have sex with when I go out to the field."
His wife tells him, "Thanks, but that's not a pig, it's a sheep."
The husband replies, "I wasn't talking to you !!"
His wife tells him, "Thanks, but that's not a pig, it's a sheep."
The husband replies, "I wasn't talking to you !!"
- slip4u@aol.com
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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at
the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys the Colonel says,
"Yours is."
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys the Colonel says,
"Yours is."
- Leonard Marchines
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- Lou Poulin, SFC (Ret)
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A gunny sergeant retired and took his parrot home. Needless to say, with a new spouse he told the parrot he would have to clean up his language. Four letter words were no longer acceptable, he told his parrot.
When friends were visiting he blatantly spurted out a four letter word, and the gunny told him if he did it again he would put him in the refrigerator to cool off. Well, it happened again and true to his promise the gunny stuck the parrot in the refrigerator. 10 minutes later the gunny opened the refrigerator and asked if the parrot was going to behave himself now and the parrot answered affirmatively, but with a question.
He said, "I won't cuss anymore, but to be sure I am good from now on, what bad thing did that turkey do to get himself beheaded, plucked and frozen?"
When friends were visiting he blatantly spurted out a four letter word, and the gunny told him if he did it again he would put him in the refrigerator to cool off. Well, it happened again and true to his promise the gunny stuck the parrot in the refrigerator. 10 minutes later the gunny opened the refrigerator and asked if the parrot was going to behave himself now and the parrot answered affirmatively, but with a question.
He said, "I won't cuss anymore, but to be sure I am good from now on, what bad thing did that turkey do to get himself beheaded, plucked and frozen?"
- Lou Poulin, SFC (Ret)
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While stationed at Barbers Point Naval Air Station with VR21, we had to go past the Marine Brig when going to and from the hangar and barracks. We were always accosted by the Marine bull dog at night going back to our barracks.
One night one of the guys grabbed the bulldog and carried him past the hedges and pulled out a can of zinc chromate paint and some stencils. On one side he stenciled GO NAVY, the other side he stenciled VR-21 and then he sprayed a streak of yellow zinc chromate paint down the dogs back and turned him loose.
It took exactly 13 minutes for the whole marine brigade to muster in our barracks parking lot in full battle gear only to find a couple of drunk sailors sitting on the steps wondering what the fuss was all about.
One night one of the guys grabbed the bulldog and carried him past the hedges and pulled out a can of zinc chromate paint and some stencils. On one side he stenciled GO NAVY, the other side he stenciled VR-21 and then he sprayed a streak of yellow zinc chromate paint down the dogs back and turned him loose.
It took exactly 13 minutes for the whole marine brigade to muster in our barracks parking lot in full battle gear only to find a couple of drunk sailors sitting on the steps wondering what the fuss was all about.
- Clovis Rudd
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A young Lieutenant was on his first assignment after his college graduation. He was assigned as communications officer in a tank battalion radio repair shop.
It wasn't long before the enlisted men had a code word assigned to him. They referred to him as "Wedge".
The poor louie was puffed up with pride when he found out he had such a macho tag bestowed upon him, until he remembered his high school physics class which showed that a wedge was a "simple machine".
It wasn't long before the enlisted men had a code word assigned to him. They referred to him as "Wedge".
The poor louie was puffed up with pride when he found out he had such a macho tag bestowed upon him, until he remembered his high school physics class which showed that a wedge was a "simple machine".
- HOSS HOWARD
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While stationed on the USS Mazama AE-9,
I started telling a newbee about standing mail buoy watch while underway and it was his turn. It was winter in the north Atlantic and it was 1800, so it was cold.
We placed the seaman on the bow with a boat hook and told him we would be back to check on him, and not to fall asleep because if we missed the mail buoy every one on board would be mad at him, and no one would receive mail until we hit port.
To make a long story short, after the ship's movie I fell asleep. In the morning the XO wanted to know who put this man on mail buoy watch?...Needless to say the out come was not good.
We placed the seaman on the bow with a boat hook and told him we would be back to check on him, and not to fall asleep because if we missed the mail buoy every one on board would be mad at him, and no one would receive mail until we hit port.
To make a long story short, after the ship's movie I fell asleep. In the morning the XO wanted to know who put this man on mail buoy watch?...Needless to say the out come was not good.
- go jones
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While serving on the Lady Lex in Pensacola, FL a sailor told his wife that the heavy steel ship was kept afloat because it had a cavity under the hull that was full of biodegradable ping pong balls. Obviously ping pong balls are buoyant enough in large quantities to support such weight.
Big machines inside the ship manufactured them and replaced them as they washed out when we were under way. They were the white foam that was visible in our wake.
After she bragged about it to her Navy wife friends she found out it was a joke. I remember she was quite upset with him.
Big machines inside the ship manufactured them and replaced them as they washed out when we were under way. They were the white foam that was visible in our wake.
After she bragged about it to her Navy wife friends she found out it was a joke. I remember she was quite upset with him.
- SH2 P. Dicke
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