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MILITARY JOKES
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
- Tom Kelley
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (Coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (Coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
- Tom Kelley
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True story Lackland 1975/76
Having lived in the UK on and off for some time (GI brat), when another guy and I pulled laundry duty I calmly said as we were walking downstairs that at last we could have a fag!!
I never saw anyone run up the stairs so fast in all my life...Later, I explained it was British for cigarette!
Having lived in the UK on and off for some time (GI brat), when another guy and I pulled laundry duty I calmly said as we were walking downstairs that at last we could have a fag!!
I never saw anyone run up the stairs so fast in all my life...Later, I explained it was British for cigarette!
- Robin Adams
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A Lieutenant in a unit had a big butt and was called fat ass Lieutenant behind his back.
One day, right after arriving home from his unit he called back and wanted to know if there were any officers in the company area. A young private answered the phone and informed him there was the fat ass Lieutenant in the company area.
The Lieutenant got mad and said, "do you know who this is?"
The private said, "no."
The Lieutenant replied, "this is the fat ass Lieutenant."
The private then asked, "do you know who this is?" and the Lieutenant said "no."
The private said, "good!...goodbye fat ass and hung up."
One day, right after arriving home from his unit he called back and wanted to know if there were any officers in the company area. A young private answered the phone and informed him there was the fat ass Lieutenant in the company area.
The Lieutenant got mad and said, "do you know who this is?"
The private said, "no."
The Lieutenant replied, "this is the fat ass Lieutenant."
The private then asked, "do you know who this is?" and the Lieutenant said "no."
The private said, "good!...goodbye fat ass and hung up."
- Fernando Careaga MSG (Ret)
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When I was at Fort Benning with the 4th Inf. Div. in 1951, there was a soldier in my outfit who was a very awkward individual...he couldn't do anything right.
As his platoon Sgt one day I was told to escort him before the Bn. C.O.
The C.O asked him if he thought he would ever make a good soldier, upon which the soldier answered "No sir, but I would make a real good Officer!"
As his platoon Sgt one day I was told to escort him before the Bn. C.O.
The C.O asked him if he thought he would ever make a good soldier, upon which the soldier answered "No sir, but I would make a real good Officer!"
- Ray J Sonnier
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Radioman aboard ship hears an order given to him aboard his ship that countermandered an order given by his ship's captain.
His response, "I cannot comply with the order". Then an outburst of expletives is received and the radioman is once again ordered to change his orders. Again the radioman refuses to comply and responds with a few expletives of his own.
In a last ditch effort, the sender identifies himself as an Admiral in command of the fleet while cursing even more telling him to change his captain's orders.
The radioman says, "Well, do you know who I am, and the Admiral says "No, who are you?" then suddenly hears the phone line go dead.
His response, "I cannot comply with the order". Then an outburst of expletives is received and the radioman is once again ordered to change his orders. Again the radioman refuses to comply and responds with a few expletives of his own.
In a last ditch effort, the sender identifies himself as an Admiral in command of the fleet while cursing even more telling him to change his captain's orders.
The radioman says, "Well, do you know who I am, and the Admiral says "No, who are you?" then suddenly hears the phone line go dead.
- LOUIS POULIN, SFC E7, (Ret)
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A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown,
hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
whom approached the Chief for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
- Goose
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Why are there no walmarts in Iran?
Because there are too many targets.
Because there are too many targets.
- kerry
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An elderly American gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day, the 6th of June, in 1944 to help liberate this country,....I couldn't find one damned Frenchmen to show it to."
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day, the 6th of June, in 1944 to help liberate this country,....I couldn't find one damned Frenchmen to show it to."
- Bill
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How do you knock out a Marine?
Throw some dirt on a brick wall and tell him to charge the hill.
Throw some dirt on a brick wall and tell him to charge the hill.
- Manny Corona
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Q.HOW MANY LEGS DOES A CHICKEN HAVE?
A. 2 legs
Q.How many eyes does the chicken have? A. 2 eyes
Q. How many wings does the chicken have? A. 2 wings
Q. Okay, how many broken bones does the pussy cat have? A. If YOU DONT KNOW THEN YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT COCKS THAN PUSSY...THATS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q.How many eyes does the chicken have? A. 2 eyes
Q. How many wings does the chicken have? A. 2 wings
Q. Okay, how many broken bones does the pussy cat have? A. If YOU DONT KNOW THEN YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT COCKS THAN PUSSY...THATS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- WENDELL X MARINE
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An infantry soldier comes home after a week in the jungle. When he is having dinner his wife says "oh honey the light in the room doesn't work, can you fix it?"
He looks real mad and says, "Do I look like an electrician to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after a long field trip and after dinner the lady says, "honey the toilet is not flushing right sweetie, can you fix it?"
He gets up and says, "Do I look like a damn Plumber to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after dinner the lady says "oh honey guess what? The neighbor fixed the light, the toilet and the lawn mower that got broken yesterday."
"So how much you had to pay him?"
"Oh well honey see, he said that either I can fix some pants that don't fit right, or to go to bed with him."
"So did you fix the pants?"
The lady got up real mad and said "DO I LOOK LIKE A DAMN SEAMSTRESS TO YOU HONEY?"
He looks real mad and says, "Do I look like an electrician to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after a long field trip and after dinner the lady says, "honey the toilet is not flushing right sweetie, can you fix it?"
He gets up and says, "Do I look like a damn Plumber to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after dinner the lady says "oh honey guess what? The neighbor fixed the light, the toilet and the lawn mower that got broken yesterday."
"So how much you had to pay him?"
"Oh well honey see, he said that either I can fix some pants that don't fit right, or to go to bed with him."
"So did you fix the pants?"
The lady got up real mad and said "DO I LOOK LIKE A DAMN SEAMSTRESS TO YOU HONEY?"
- SSG Pedro A Calderon
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What did the Iraqi say when he hit a car?
Iraq and Iran.
Iraq and Iran.
- Bruce Estes
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This is true.
In 1940, my step-father, Grady B. Fowler, was drafted into the US Army. Grady was quick to laugh, and had a very good sense of humor. When he was standing his first formation, the CO stopped in front of the man standing next to Grady.
The CO demanded of the man: "Soldier why didn't you shave?"
,br>The soldier said, "Well, I did sir, at least I think I did. The latrine was kind of crowded, and maybe I shaved somebody else". Grady couldn't hold it and burst out laughing, and both he and the jokester ended up on extra duty. True story.
The CO demanded of the man: "Soldier why didn't you shave?"
,br>The soldier said, "Well, I did sir, at least I think I did. The latrine was kind of crowded, and maybe I shaved somebody else". Grady couldn't hold it and burst out laughing, and both he and the jokester ended up on extra duty. True story.
- Phillip M. Johnson
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In a bar one evening a retired Marine Sgt. and a retired Air Force Sgt. were arguing over which branch of armed forces was superior. A few hours later they were standing side by side at urinals in the bathroom.
The former airman finished first, zipped up and left. He opened the door to the bathroom and the ex-Marine called over his shoulder to him, "You know, in the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we piss." To which the Air Force vet replied, "Yeah, well, in the Air Force, they teach us not to get piss on our hands."
The former airman finished first, zipped up and left. He opened the door to the bathroom and the ex-Marine called over his shoulder to him, "You know, in the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we piss." To which the Air Force vet replied, "Yeah, well, in the Air Force, they teach us not to get piss on our hands."
- Jessica Collier
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