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MILITARY JOKES
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True Story:
While I was in USCG basic, me and a few other seaman recruits were on watch and were talking in the head, when one of the female cc's hollers in: "Why do I hear voices in my head!!!!!"
Then one of the boneheads says, "Maybe you should go for a psych evaluation!"
She ended up storming into the male head and chewed us up for a good hour, in the head!
While I was in USCG basic, me and a few other seaman recruits were on watch and were talking in the head, when one of the female cc's hollers in: "Why do I hear voices in my head!!!!!"
Then one of the boneheads says, "Maybe you should go for a psych evaluation!"
She ended up storming into the male head and chewed us up for a good hour, in the head!
- shawn
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While stationed at Cherry Point, MCAS in the early seventies, I had a friend that worked in the motor pool. One day my friend was complaining to me about a certain major that kept calling the motor pool asking to be picked up by a staff car. My friend, an enlisted man, explained to the major that staff cars were reserved for Colonels and above only. This info sent the major into a verbal tirade demeaning and demanding to know my friend's name and rank. My friend hung up on the major.
A few minutes later, the major phoned again. My friend answered and the following is the gist of the conversation:
MAJOR: This is major so and so and I requested a staff car to pick me up a few minutes ago. I still need to be picked up immediately!
E-4: I'm sorry sir, but we do not have any staff cars available at the moment.
MAJOR: Well then corporal, don't you have any jeeps with drivers available?
E-4: No sir, I'm afraid not.
MAJOR: This IS the damn motor pool isn't it?
E-4: Yes sir it is.
MAJOR: Then just what the f#$% DO you have available?
E-4: Well sir, we have the Base Commander's staff car, we have the Commanding General, 2nd MAW staff car and we have some of those big mo'foes that go chuuuu, chuuuu!!!!
He then promptly hung up!
A few minutes later, the major phoned again. My friend answered and the following is the gist of the conversation:
MAJOR: This is major so and so and I requested a staff car to pick me up a few minutes ago. I still need to be picked up immediately!
E-4: I'm sorry sir, but we do not have any staff cars available at the moment.
MAJOR: Well then corporal, don't you have any jeeps with drivers available?
E-4: No sir, I'm afraid not.
MAJOR: This IS the damn motor pool isn't it?
E-4: Yes sir it is.
MAJOR: Then just what the f#$% DO you have available?
E-4: Well sir, we have the Base Commander's staff car, we have the Commanding General, 2nd MAW staff car and we have some of those big mo'foes that go chuuuu, chuuuu!!!!
He then promptly hung up!
- R Nugent
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3 men, seated together on a plane.
One of the men says, "I was an Admiral and had 2 sons, both are lawyers."
Awhile later the 2nd gent says "I'm a General in the Army and I have 2 sons who are doctors."
After a short pause the 3rd gent says, with a smile on his face, "I was a Chief P.O. in the Navy, never got married but had two sons, one's an Admiral and the other is a General in the Army."
Awhile later the 2nd gent says "I'm a General in the Army and I have 2 sons who are doctors."
After a short pause the 3rd gent says, with a smile on his face, "I was a Chief P.O. in the Navy, never got married but had two sons, one's an Admiral and the other is a General in the Army."
- Jack Prendergsat
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While stationed at Langley AFB, Virginia, I was selected to be a Juror for a trial of a Sgt charged with insubordination to a 2nd Lieutenant. The Lieutenant testified that the Sgt had called him a "Dumb SOB", when he ordered the Sgt to do a task.
The next to testify was a Msgt who was the supervisor of the section. The prosecutor asked the Msgt if he saw the Sgt call the Lieutenant a "Dumb SOB"?
The Msgt said, "No Sir, but I heard him."
The prosecutor then asked, "Then tell us how did you know it was the Lieutenant that the Sgt was talking to?"
The Msgt said, "Because he is the only 'Dumb SOB' in the section!"
After hearing this the Judge cleared the court and the Sgt was released after getting a verbal reprimand.
The 2nd Lieutenant "SOB" was transferred to another job somewhere on the base.
The next to testify was a Msgt who was the supervisor of the section. The prosecutor asked the Msgt if he saw the Sgt call the Lieutenant a "Dumb SOB"?
The Msgt said, "No Sir, but I heard him."
The prosecutor then asked, "Then tell us how did you know it was the Lieutenant that the Sgt was talking to?"
The Msgt said, "Because he is the only 'Dumb SOB' in the section!"
After hearing this the Judge cleared the court and the Sgt was released after getting a verbal reprimand.
The 2nd Lieutenant "SOB" was transferred to another job somewhere on the base.
- George Gatewood TSgt USAF
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One of the duties of a Base Photo Lab is to update officer's official photos for their records. We had spent hours cleaning for the arrival of the Maj General or divisional commander to arrive. Upon arrival through the front door the lab was called to attention and he was taken right into the studio and photographed as required.
As he had parked behind the Lab he requested to leave by the back door. Just as the Sarg was getting ready to call the Lab to attention again a loud voice from the bathroom right next to the back door said, "One of you ass holes out there get me some toilet paper!" The General looked toward the bathroom door opening, spied a roll on the window ledge picked it up, knocked on the only door in the bathroom and leaned in just far enough to show his rank and handed the airman the toilet paper. Did an about face and left.
Sarge never did call the Lab to attention, and it took 10 minutes for the airman to get out of the bathroom.
As he had parked behind the Lab he requested to leave by the back door. Just as the Sarg was getting ready to call the Lab to attention again a loud voice from the bathroom right next to the back door said, "One of you ass holes out there get me some toilet paper!" The General looked toward the bathroom door opening, spied a roll on the window ledge picked it up, knocked on the only door in the bathroom and leaned in just far enough to show his rank and handed the airman the toilet paper. Did an about face and left.
Sarge never did call the Lab to attention, and it took 10 minutes for the airman to get out of the bathroom.
- Ben Olds
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While stationed in France with the 417th Fighter Bomber Squadron, I worked as a jet engine mechanic. When we worked on the front of the engine we had to remove the long elongate nose cover and enter it in the airplane's log.
Because it looked like a dog's penis we called it the dog pecker until one of the French women working in HQ questioned what was a dog pecker?
Orders followed quickly to use the correct nomenclature!
Because it looked like a dog's penis we called it the dog pecker until one of the French women working in HQ questioned what was a dog pecker?
Orders followed quickly to use the correct nomenclature!
- Lou Morasco
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A brand new lieutenant, fresh our of ROTC was participating in his first guard mount as "Officer of the Day". He was trying to impress everyone on the detail with his knowledge of the military.
After going through the first rank and gigging every soldier for everything from untrimmed eyebrows to twisted boot laces, he remarked to the sergeant that the heels of the first rank were lined up, but the toes however were not.
The sergeant immediately responded, "Yes sir, and I specified that no one was to report for guard mount that did not have size nine and a half feet."
After going through the first rank and gigging every soldier for everything from untrimmed eyebrows to twisted boot laces, he remarked to the sergeant that the heels of the first rank were lined up, but the toes however were not.
The sergeant immediately responded, "Yes sir, and I specified that no one was to report for guard mount that did not have size nine and a half feet."
- OLD HOSS
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While stationed in Puerto Rico in the 60's, we were "encouraged" to take a serious look at our education and to always be taking additional courses. So the night university at the local army base (Fort Buchanan) was always overrun with candidates for the 101 level of college classes.
After having taken the "Intro to music" and then the "Intro to art", I decided that the "History of western religions" class would be the next easiest 3 credits in my quest for advancement to the next rank.
The first class meeting showed me that there were quite a few others that had the same strategy as I, for the classroom was overcrowded, and the professor was a couple of minutes late.
When he arrived, he walked in quite briskly, looking at the room full of enlisted men and waited for the room to quiet. Then he asked the question, "Does anyone here know what a stoic is?"
There was a long period of silence and then a voice in the back of the room with that classic Brooklyn accent replied, "Yea, ain't dat da boid dat brings de babies?"
After having taken the "Intro to music" and then the "Intro to art", I decided that the "History of western religions" class would be the next easiest 3 credits in my quest for advancement to the next rank.
The first class meeting showed me that there were quite a few others that had the same strategy as I, for the classroom was overcrowded, and the professor was a couple of minutes late.
When he arrived, he walked in quite briskly, looking at the room full of enlisted men and waited for the room to quiet. Then he asked the question, "Does anyone here know what a stoic is?"
There was a long period of silence and then a voice in the back of the room with that classic Brooklyn accent replied, "Yea, ain't dat da boid dat brings de babies?"
- george taylor
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While in basic training back in 1977 at Ft. MC
Alabama, we were on the obstacle course and
several trainees kept falling off of the rope bridge
and failing for that part.
After about an hour of everyone falling down the senior drill sergeant said:
"Hold it ladies, let me show you the right way to do this or we will be here all night!"
So here he goes sailing through the course, and lo and behold gets to the rope bridge, slips clean and falls flat into the water, climbs back up soaked from head to toe and cracks a big smile and says:
"That was the wrong way ladies!!!"
After about an hour of everyone falling down the senior drill sergeant said:
"Hold it ladies, let me show you the right way to do this or we will be here all night!"
So here he goes sailing through the course, and lo and behold gets to the rope bridge, slips clean and falls flat into the water, climbs back up soaked from head to toe and cracks a big smile and says:
"That was the wrong way ladies!!!"
- G.W Hearl
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The General of the Army, the Marines Corps Commandant, and a fleet Admiral were walking around a military base which encompassed all branches of the service. They began to discuss who had the bravest men.
While passing the tank practice area on base, the General told his peers "Watch this." He grabbed a private passing by and said, "Soldier, stop that tank with your bare hands." The soldier saluted and barked "Yes, sir." The private stood in front of the tank and was run over. The general turned to his comrades and said, "That, gentlemen, is guts."
As they passed the grenade area, the Commandant said, "That was nothing, watch this."
He found a jarhead corporal and shouted, "Marine, fall on this grenade" as he pulled the pin and lobbed it. The marine saluted, shouted "Ooh-rah!", fell on the live pineapple, and was blown to bits. The head grunt told his companions, "That, gentlemen, is real guts!"
Finally, as the three were down by the piers, the top sea-dog said, "Let me show you two what guts are." He looked up at the mast of a destroyer where a sailor was working aloft and shouted, "Sailor, jump to the pier."
The sailor said, "Say again, sir?"
"I said jump, sailor!"
The sailor shouted back, "Up yours, admiral."
He turned to the others and said, "Now that, fellas, is real guts."
While passing the tank practice area on base, the General told his peers "Watch this." He grabbed a private passing by and said, "Soldier, stop that tank with your bare hands." The soldier saluted and barked "Yes, sir." The private stood in front of the tank and was run over. The general turned to his comrades and said, "That, gentlemen, is guts."
As they passed the grenade area, the Commandant said, "That was nothing, watch this."
He found a jarhead corporal and shouted, "Marine, fall on this grenade" as he pulled the pin and lobbed it. The marine saluted, shouted "Ooh-rah!", fell on the live pineapple, and was blown to bits. The head grunt told his companions, "That, gentlemen, is real guts!"
Finally, as the three were down by the piers, the top sea-dog said, "Let me show you two what guts are." He looked up at the mast of a destroyer where a sailor was working aloft and shouted, "Sailor, jump to the pier."
The sailor said, "Say again, sir?"
"I said jump, sailor!"
The sailor shouted back, "Up yours, admiral."
He turned to the others and said, "Now that, fellas, is real guts."
- Mike Shue
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A bit of advice for new recruits - never address the senior drill instructor as senior drill.
He ain't got no cord hanging out of his ass!
He ain't got no cord hanging out of his ass!
- sterling grindle
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While at Fort Bragg performing motor stables duty I instructed a cherry to run like a deer and fetch me some flight line and not to come back without it or I would smoke him like a cheap cigar.
An hour later an aviation CSM called to the motorpool asking why a private was in his AO asking to be issued flightline and how much should I send him back with.
While performing a PMCS on my M-551 Sheridan I sent a cherry driver down to the BMO to get me a box gun sight reticles, and much to my amazement he came back and asked what caliber.
Standing in formation at Ft. Benning about to have our wings pinned on, a cherry said I never made a night jump.
The Sgt. airborne replied, "Yes, all of your jumps were night jumps."
I once sent a cherry to get some food for the gamma goat.
An hour later an aviation CSM called to the motorpool asking why a private was in his AO asking to be issued flightline and how much should I send him back with.
While performing a PMCS on my M-551 Sheridan I sent a cherry driver down to the BMO to get me a box gun sight reticles, and much to my amazement he came back and asked what caliber.
Standing in formation at Ft. Benning about to have our wings pinned on, a cherry said I never made a night jump.
The Sgt. airborne replied, "Yes, all of your jumps were night jumps."
I once sent a cherry to get some food for the gamma goat.
- Sterling Grindle
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Gunny Sgts. in the Marines are noted for their fowl mouths.
So when an old Gunny was getting ready to retire, he needed a part time job to buy the boat he always wanted, but no one would give him a chance...Well all but one food market!
They told the gunny he would be given a try but the first time he used fowl language he would be fired! Weeks went by without any problems, then one day while he was stocking the shelves an old lady came up looking for onions!
The gunny told her that the store was out of onions. Well, the old lady was very forgetful, she got up to the check out line and went over her list and found she didn't have onions! So she went looking for them, again she found the gunny, and asked him where the onions were?
He told her there were NO onions, so off she went to the check out line, checked her list again and was missing onions!
But now she was pissed off, so she went looking, saw the gunny, who was stocking shelves up high on a ladder. She hooked her cane around his leg and pulled him off the ladder!, and yelled "Where are the onions"??
He jumped up and remembered what he was told about his language!!!
So he says to the old lady.... "Take the pine out of pineapple and what do you have??"
She thought then said "APPLE!"
"Right!", the gunny says!
"Take the pork out of porkchops what do you have??"
She thinks and then says, "CHOPS!!!"
"Right!", says the gunny!!!
Then he says, "Take the F__K out of onions and what do you have???"
She thinks and then says, "Hey there ain't no F__K in onions!!!!"
The Gunny says, "That's right Lady, there AIN'T NO F__K In' ONIONS!!!?"
They told the gunny he would be given a try but the first time he used fowl language he would be fired! Weeks went by without any problems, then one day while he was stocking the shelves an old lady came up looking for onions!
The gunny told her that the store was out of onions. Well, the old lady was very forgetful, she got up to the check out line and went over her list and found she didn't have onions! So she went looking for them, again she found the gunny, and asked him where the onions were?
He told her there were NO onions, so off she went to the check out line, checked her list again and was missing onions!
But now she was pissed off, so she went looking, saw the gunny, who was stocking shelves up high on a ladder. She hooked her cane around his leg and pulled him off the ladder!, and yelled "Where are the onions"??
He jumped up and remembered what he was told about his language!!!
So he says to the old lady.... "Take the pine out of pineapple and what do you have??"
She thought then said "APPLE!"
"Right!", the gunny says!
"Take the pork out of porkchops what do you have??"
She thinks and then says, "CHOPS!!!"
"Right!", says the gunny!!!
Then he says, "Take the F__K out of onions and what do you have???"
She thinks and then says, "Hey there ain't no F__K in onions!!!!"
The Gunny says, "That's right Lady, there AIN'T NO F__K In' ONIONS!!!?"
- Gary S. Deskiewicz
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Back in the early 50s when I was stationed in Korea, we were told to stay away from the Korea villages. We got a new Sgt and an E4 in, and where was the first place they went?, you guessed it - the village.
Well, when they got back the E4 had a story that to this day I laugh about it. It seems the reason they were in the village was because the Sgt wanted to get something to eat. The E4 told him it wasn't a good idea, but the Sgt said., "What won't kill you, will cure you!"
An old mama san invited him to eat, she gave him a big plate of food, and the E4 said the Sgt ate it like he had not eaten in a month! When he was done he paid the old lady, then asked, "Oh by the way, what was the meat, it was real good."
The old lady did not know very good English and told him it was "mew meat".
The Sgt then asked what was "mew meat"?
She replied, "You know it say mew mew."
The Sgt then thought wait a minute there's only one animal that says mew and that's a CAT...He thru up for a solid week. I don't think he went back to the village for the whole tour after that.
Well, when they got back the E4 had a story that to this day I laugh about it. It seems the reason they were in the village was because the Sgt wanted to get something to eat. The E4 told him it wasn't a good idea, but the Sgt said., "What won't kill you, will cure you!"
An old mama san invited him to eat, she gave him a big plate of food, and the E4 said the Sgt ate it like he had not eaten in a month! When he was done he paid the old lady, then asked, "Oh by the way, what was the meat, it was real good."
The old lady did not know very good English and told him it was "mew meat".
The Sgt then asked what was "mew meat"?
She replied, "You know it say mew mew."
The Sgt then thought wait a minute there's only one animal that says mew and that's a CAT...He thru up for a solid week. I don't think he went back to the village for the whole tour after that.
- Sp/4 Lester Williams 1st Cav
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From Reader's Digest, "Humor in Uniform" -
During WWII, a very large sign was hung over a portion of the Mess Hall, which stated, FIRST THREE GRADES ONLY.
During WWII, a very large sign was hung over a portion of the Mess Hall, which stated, FIRST THREE GRADES ONLY.
- MSgt Carl Buckland, USAF (Ret)
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