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MILITARY JOKES
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I was stationed at Camp Pendleton California and one
day we all got volunteered for different "keep busy"
assignments.
One Staff Sgt asked if anyone played a musical instrument? I quickly stated that I played a guitar thinking I'd get a cushy job doing something with a musical instrument.
Shortly after, the Sgt handed me a mop and told me to go ahead and
"play a tune on the floor!"
One Staff Sgt asked if anyone played a musical instrument? I quickly stated that I played a guitar thinking I'd get a cushy job doing something with a musical instrument.
Shortly after, the Sgt handed me a mop and told me to go ahead and
"play a tune on the floor!"
- Nick Sacco
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A long legged Army nurse went into an empty club on post and ordered a sandwich and a beer when she heard a voice telling her how lovely and beautiful she was.
After a few minutes she went up to the bartender and asked what gives; she hears this voice saying how lovely and beautiful she is but no one is in the place. The bartender looks at her and says, "Don't worry ma'm it's the peanuts, they're complementary."
After a few minutes she went up to the bartender and asked what gives; she hears this voice saying how lovely and beautiful she is but no one is in the place. The bartender looks at her and says, "Don't worry ma'm it's the peanuts, they're complementary."
- Ron
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One day I was training a soldier map reading. I tried to show him his location on the map.
I showed him intersecting points from one point on the map to another point on the map.
Well, he just didn't get it. I got so fed up with him I said, OK go behind us to the tree line and shake the tree. If it moves on the map this is where you are at...
I showed him intersecting points from one point on the map to another point on the map.
Well, he just didn't get it. I got so fed up with him I said, OK go behind us to the tree line and shake the tree. If it moves on the map this is where you are at...
- av8tore_71@yahoo.com
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A Captain walks into his wife's bedroom one evening with a sheep tucked under his arm and says "I'd like you to see the pig I have sex with when I go out to the field."
His wife tells him, "Thanks, but that's not a pig, it's a sheep."
The husband replies, "I wasn't talking to you !!"
His wife tells him, "Thanks, but that's not a pig, it's a sheep."
The husband replies, "I wasn't talking to you !!"
- slip4u@aol.com
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During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at
the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys the Colonel says,
"Yours is."
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys the Colonel says,
"Yours is."
- Leonard Marchines
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- Lou Poulin, SFC (Ret)
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A gunny sergeant retired and took his parrot home. Needless to say, with a new spouse he told the parrot he would have to clean up his language. Four letter words were no longer acceptable, he told his parrot.
When friends were visiting he blatantly spurted out a four letter word, and the gunny told him if he did it again he would put him in the refrigerator to cool off. Well, it happened again and true to his promise the gunny stuck the parrot in the refrigerator. 10 minutes later the gunny opened the refrigerator and asked if the parrot was going to behave himself now and the parrot answered affirmatively, but with a question.
He said, "I won't cuss anymore, but to be sure I am good from now on, what bad thing did that turkey do to get himself beheaded, plucked and frozen?"
When friends were visiting he blatantly spurted out a four letter word, and the gunny told him if he did it again he would put him in the refrigerator to cool off. Well, it happened again and true to his promise the gunny stuck the parrot in the refrigerator. 10 minutes later the gunny opened the refrigerator and asked if the parrot was going to behave himself now and the parrot answered affirmatively, but with a question.
He said, "I won't cuss anymore, but to be sure I am good from now on, what bad thing did that turkey do to get himself beheaded, plucked and frozen?"
- Lou Poulin, SFC (Ret)
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While stationed at Barbers Point Naval Air Station with VR21, we had to go past the Marine Brig when going to and from the hangar and barracks. We were always accosted by the Marine bull dog at night going back to our barracks.
One night one of the guys grabbed the bulldog and carried him past the hedges and pulled out a can of zinc chromate paint and some stencils. On one side he stenciled GO NAVY, the other side he stenciled VR-21 and then he sprayed a streak of yellow zinc chromate paint down the dogs back and turned him loose.
It took exactly 13 minutes for the whole marine brigade to muster in our barracks parking lot in full battle gear only to find a couple of drunk sailors sitting on the steps wondering what the fuss was all about.
One night one of the guys grabbed the bulldog and carried him past the hedges and pulled out a can of zinc chromate paint and some stencils. On one side he stenciled GO NAVY, the other side he stenciled VR-21 and then he sprayed a streak of yellow zinc chromate paint down the dogs back and turned him loose.
It took exactly 13 minutes for the whole marine brigade to muster in our barracks parking lot in full battle gear only to find a couple of drunk sailors sitting on the steps wondering what the fuss was all about.
- Clovis Rudd
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A young Lieutenant was on his first assignment after his college graduation. He was assigned as communications officer in a tank battalion radio repair shop.
It wasn't long before the enlisted men had a code word assigned to him. They referred to him as "Wedge".
The poor louie was puffed up with pride when he found out he had such a macho tag bestowed upon him, until he remembered his high school physics class which showed that a wedge was a "simple machine".
It wasn't long before the enlisted men had a code word assigned to him. They referred to him as "Wedge".
The poor louie was puffed up with pride when he found out he had such a macho tag bestowed upon him, until he remembered his high school physics class which showed that a wedge was a "simple machine".
- HOSS HOWARD
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While stationed on the USS Mazama AE-9,
I started telling a newbee about standing mail buoy watch while underway and it was his turn. It was winter in the north Atlantic and it was 1800, so it was cold.
We placed the seaman on the bow with a boat hook and told him we would be back to check on him, and not to fall asleep because if we missed the mail buoy every one on board would be mad at him, and no one would receive mail until we hit port.
To make a long story short, after the ship's movie I fell asleep. In the morning the XO wanted to know who put this man on mail buoy watch?...Needless to say the out come was not good.
We placed the seaman on the bow with a boat hook and told him we would be back to check on him, and not to fall asleep because if we missed the mail buoy every one on board would be mad at him, and no one would receive mail until we hit port.
To make a long story short, after the ship's movie I fell asleep. In the morning the XO wanted to know who put this man on mail buoy watch?...Needless to say the out come was not good.
- go jones
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While serving on the Lady Lex in Pensacola, FL a sailor told his wife that the heavy steel ship was kept afloat because it had a cavity under the hull that was full of biodegradable ping pong balls. Obviously ping pong balls are buoyant enough in large quantities to support such weight.
Big machines inside the ship manufactured them and replaced them as they washed out when we were under way. They were the white foam that was visible in our wake.
After she bragged about it to her Navy wife friends she found out it was a joke. I remember she was quite upset with him.
Big machines inside the ship manufactured them and replaced them as they washed out when we were under way. They were the white foam that was visible in our wake.
After she bragged about it to her Navy wife friends she found out it was a joke. I remember she was quite upset with him.
- SH2 P. Dicke
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
- Tom Kelley
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206:
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (Coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (Coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
- Tom Kelley
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True story Lackland 1975/76
Having lived in the UK on and off for some time (GI brat), when another guy and I pulled laundry duty I calmly said as we were walking downstairs that at last we could have a fag!!
I never saw anyone run up the stairs so fast in all my life...Later, I explained it was British for cigarette!
Having lived in the UK on and off for some time (GI brat), when another guy and I pulled laundry duty I calmly said as we were walking downstairs that at last we could have a fag!!
I never saw anyone run up the stairs so fast in all my life...Later, I explained it was British for cigarette!
- Robin Adams
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A Lieutenant in a unit had a big butt and was called fat ass Lieutenant behind his back.
One day, right after arriving home from his unit he called back and wanted to know if there were any officers in the company area. A young private answered the phone and informed him there was the fat ass Lieutenant in the company area.
The Lieutenant got mad and said, "do you know who this is?"
The private said, "no."
The Lieutenant replied, "this is the fat ass Lieutenant."
The private then asked, "do you know who this is?" and the Lieutenant said "no."
The private said, "good!...goodbye fat ass and hung up."
One day, right after arriving home from his unit he called back and wanted to know if there were any officers in the company area. A young private answered the phone and informed him there was the fat ass Lieutenant in the company area.
The Lieutenant got mad and said, "do you know who this is?"
The private said, "no."
The Lieutenant replied, "this is the fat ass Lieutenant."
The private then asked, "do you know who this is?" and the Lieutenant said "no."
The private said, "good!...goodbye fat ass and hung up."
- Fernando Careaga MSG (Ret)
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