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MILITARY JOKES
Laugh out loud with these great Military Jokes from service time! Click on the Star to like any jokes you find. If you think you can do better...Share it with everybody!
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When I was at Fort Benning with the 4th Inf. Div. in 1951, there was a soldier in my outfit who was a very awkward individual...he couldn't do anything right.
As his platoon Sgt one day I was told to escort him before the Bn. C.O.
The C.O asked him if he thought he would ever make a good soldier, upon which the soldier answered "No sir, but I would make a real good Officer!"
As his platoon Sgt one day I was told to escort him before the Bn. C.O.
The C.O asked him if he thought he would ever make a good soldier, upon which the soldier answered "No sir, but I would make a real good Officer!"
- Ray J Sonnier
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Radioman aboard ship hears an order given to him aboard his ship that countermandered an order given by his ship's captain.
His response, "I cannot comply with the order". Then an outburst of expletives is received and the radioman is once again ordered to change his orders. Again the radioman refuses to comply and responds with a few expletives of his own.
In a last ditch effort, the sender identifies himself as an Admiral in command of the fleet while cursing even more telling him to change his captain's orders.
The radioman says, "Well, do you know who I am, and the Admiral says "No, who are you?" then suddenly hears the phone line go dead.
His response, "I cannot comply with the order". Then an outburst of expletives is received and the radioman is once again ordered to change his orders. Again the radioman refuses to comply and responds with a few expletives of his own.
In a last ditch effort, the sender identifies himself as an Admiral in command of the fleet while cursing even more telling him to change his captain's orders.
The radioman says, "Well, do you know who I am, and the Admiral says "No, who are you?" then suddenly hears the phone line go dead.
- LOUIS POULIN, SFC E7, (Ret)
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A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown,
hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
whom approached the Chief for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"
- Goose
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Why are there no walmarts in Iran?
Because there are too many targets.
Because there are too many targets.
- kerry
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An elderly American gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day, the 6th of June, in 1944 to help liberate this country,....I couldn't find one damned Frenchmen to show it to."
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day, the 6th of June, in 1944 to help liberate this country,....I couldn't find one damned Frenchmen to show it to."
- Bill
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How do you knock out a Marine?
Throw some dirt on a brick wall and tell him to charge the hill.
Throw some dirt on a brick wall and tell him to charge the hill.
- Manny Corona
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Q.HOW MANY LEGS DOES A CHICKEN HAVE?
A. 2 legs
Q.How many eyes does the chicken have? A. 2 eyes
Q. How many wings does the chicken have? A. 2 wings
Q. Okay, how many broken bones does the pussy cat have? A. If YOU DONT KNOW THEN YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT COCKS THAN PUSSY...THATS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q.How many eyes does the chicken have? A. 2 eyes
Q. How many wings does the chicken have? A. 2 wings
Q. Okay, how many broken bones does the pussy cat have? A. If YOU DONT KNOW THEN YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT COCKS THAN PUSSY...THATS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- WENDELL X MARINE
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An infantry soldier comes home after a week in the jungle. When he is having dinner his wife says "oh honey the light in the room doesn't work, can you fix it?"
He looks real mad and says, "Do I look like an electrician to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after a long field trip and after dinner the lady says, "honey the toilet is not flushing right sweetie, can you fix it?"
He gets up and says, "Do I look like a damn Plumber to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after dinner the lady says "oh honey guess what? The neighbor fixed the light, the toilet and the lawn mower that got broken yesterday."
"So how much you had to pay him?"
"Oh well honey see, he said that either I can fix some pants that don't fit right, or to go to bed with him."
"So did you fix the pants?"
The lady got up real mad and said "DO I LOOK LIKE A DAMN SEAMSTRESS TO YOU HONEY?"
He looks real mad and says, "Do I look like an electrician to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after a long field trip and after dinner the lady says, "honey the toilet is not flushing right sweetie, can you fix it?"
He gets up and says, "Do I look like a damn Plumber to you? I'm an infantry soldier."
The next week after dinner the lady says "oh honey guess what? The neighbor fixed the light, the toilet and the lawn mower that got broken yesterday."
"So how much you had to pay him?"
"Oh well honey see, he said that either I can fix some pants that don't fit right, or to go to bed with him."
"So did you fix the pants?"
The lady got up real mad and said "DO I LOOK LIKE A DAMN SEAMSTRESS TO YOU HONEY?"
- SSG Pedro A Calderon
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What did the Iraqi say when he hit a car?
Iraq and Iran.
Iraq and Iran.
- Bruce Estes
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This is true.
In 1940, my step-father, Grady B. Fowler, was drafted into the US Army. Grady was quick to laugh, and had a very good sense of humor. When he was standing his first formation, the CO stopped in front of the man standing next to Grady.
The CO demanded of the man: "Soldier why didn't you shave?"
,br>The soldier said, "Well, I did sir, at least I think I did. The latrine was kind of crowded, and maybe I shaved somebody else". Grady couldn't hold it and burst out laughing, and both he and the jokester ended up on extra duty. True story.
The CO demanded of the man: "Soldier why didn't you shave?"
,br>The soldier said, "Well, I did sir, at least I think I did. The latrine was kind of crowded, and maybe I shaved somebody else". Grady couldn't hold it and burst out laughing, and both he and the jokester ended up on extra duty. True story.
- Phillip M. Johnson
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In a bar one evening a retired Marine Sgt. and a retired Air Force Sgt. were arguing over which branch of armed forces was superior. A few hours later they were standing side by side at urinals in the bathroom.
The former airman finished first, zipped up and left. He opened the door to the bathroom and the ex-Marine called over his shoulder to him, "You know, in the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we piss." To which the Air Force vet replied, "Yeah, well, in the Air Force, they teach us not to get piss on our hands."
The former airman finished first, zipped up and left. He opened the door to the bathroom and the ex-Marine called over his shoulder to him, "You know, in the Marines, they teach us to wash our hands after we piss." To which the Air Force vet replied, "Yeah, well, in the Air Force, they teach us not to get piss on our hands."
- Jessica Collier
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The Marine Corps is experimenting with a new breed of dog for their K-9 corps. It's a cross between a Pit Bull and a Collie. First it tears your leg off, and when it's done, it goes for help.
- Tobert C. Baker
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Not a joke--True story.
We flew for hours from Castle AFB, California to Hickam AFB, Hawaii and had a 45 minute layover for refueling. We then left Hickam and flew on for hours and hours to Guam, where we were headed for a lengthy tdy.
Upon departing the plane, 37 of us walked up the walk to the base terminal. Like all military bases with a runway, the terminal had its own little BX. As we approached the BX, which was about 12 feet wide and about 20 feet long, we noticed a sign over the entrance. In HUGE letters it said, "GUAM IS GOOD". Under that phrase, in smaller letters were the words, "By order of the base commander".
- Harry M
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WHEN I WAS SENT TO MY FIRST NEW AIR BASE THE SARGE AND THE GUYS GRABBED ME AND ANOTHER NEW AIRMAN. WE WERE ASKED FOR ONE GUY TO GET 10 FEET OF FLIGHTLINE,AND THEY GAVE YOU A BUCKET TO CARRY BACK THE 10 FEET IN THE CAN.
I WAS ASKED TO GO TO THE STOCKROOM AND GET A SKYHOOK. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I WAS GETTING BUT BEING NEW AND GIVEN IT WAS MY FIRST ASSIGNMENT I WANTED TO LOOK GOOD AT IT.
IN ANY CASE OFF WENT MY BUDDY WITH HIS BUCKET, AND OFF I WENT TO THE STOCKROOM,, LAUGHS ALL AROUND!
I WAS ASKED TO GO TO THE STOCKROOM AND GET A SKYHOOK. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I WAS GETTING BUT BEING NEW AND GIVEN IT WAS MY FIRST ASSIGNMENT I WANTED TO LOOK GOOD AT IT.
IN ANY CASE OFF WENT MY BUDDY WITH HIS BUCKET, AND OFF I WENT TO THE STOCKROOM,, LAUGHS ALL AROUND!
- BOB
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A young seaman was assigned to his military duty. It
was quiet and un-adventurous, when one foggy
stormy night his radio crackled and he heard a
booming
voice:
"You ahead make way!"
The seaman replied "identify yourself!"
The voice came back and said "I am an Admiral make way!"
The seaman came back and said "I cannot sir you will have to make way for me!"
The admiral came back again and said "I am in command of the biggest war vessel in the fleet and I have the right of way, make way!"
Again the seaman said "I cannot, you will have to make way for me".
The admiral was very upset now and demanded the seaman make way.
The seaman again simply replied "I cannot".
The Admiral totally confused demanded to know why, and finally the seaman came back and said "Admiral, you may be in command of the biggest war vessel we have, but I am in command of this light house and YOU will have to make way!"
The Admiral immediately hollered for the ship to turn.
"You ahead make way!"
The seaman replied "identify yourself!"
The voice came back and said "I am an Admiral make way!"
The seaman came back and said "I cannot sir you will have to make way for me!"
The admiral came back again and said "I am in command of the biggest war vessel in the fleet and I have the right of way, make way!"
Again the seaman said "I cannot, you will have to make way for me".
The admiral was very upset now and demanded the seaman make way.
The seaman again simply replied "I cannot".
The Admiral totally confused demanded to know why, and finally the seaman came back and said "Admiral, you may be in command of the biggest war vessel we have, but I am in command of this light house and YOU will have to make way!"
The Admiral immediately hollered for the ship to turn.
- Lance Devenger
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