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MILITARY JOKES
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An old Marine enters a bar. There is a large jar of money in the corner. He asked the owner what's up with the cash? The bar keep said, we have a bet in this town. To participate, you have to put up twenty dollars. Half of the money goes to the bar and the rest goes in the jar. The person that completes three tasks, gets the jar.
The old Marine, not being one to turn down a challenge said here's my $20.00. What do I have to do? He was told that he had to drink a fifth of moonshine straight down non stop, pull the bad tooth of a pit bull tied up out back, and sexually satisfy a woman upstairs that is 70 and has never been satisfied before. After thinking it over, he screams out "bring on the booze.
After he finished his drink he staggered out the door to see the dog. After about ten minutes and a lot of screaming, barking and very strange and loud noises, the door re-opened. The old Marine staggered back in. He was completely mauled and very bloody. He then screamed out in his best drill instructor voice,"Now where the hell is that old broad with the bad tooth".
The old Marine, not being one to turn down a challenge said here's my $20.00. What do I have to do? He was told that he had to drink a fifth of moonshine straight down non stop, pull the bad tooth of a pit bull tied up out back, and sexually satisfy a woman upstairs that is 70 and has never been satisfied before. After thinking it over, he screams out "bring on the booze.
After he finished his drink he staggered out the door to see the dog. After about ten minutes and a lot of screaming, barking and very strange and loud noises, the door re-opened. The old Marine staggered back in. He was completely mauled and very bloody. He then screamed out in his best drill instructor voice,"Now where the hell is that old broad with the bad tooth".
- Henry Lewis USMC
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A yard bird was gathering up paper and trash, as he picked up each piece he said" NO THAT AIN'T IT".
An officer scheduled the Pvt for a mental evaluation,which ended up with the Pvt receiving a Section 8. As he read it, he smiled and said "THAT'S IT"!
An officer scheduled the Pvt for a mental evaluation,which ended up with the Pvt receiving a Section 8. As he read it, he smiled and said "THAT'S IT"!
- Roy Painter
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Have you heard about the new 2nd Lt. Doll?
- Bob
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Well..this is more of a story than a joke.
My dad is in the National Guard and he had soldiers line up for attendance in a huge gym.
Well, keep in mind everthing echoes loudly.
Everyone was standing at attention in their uniforms and he pulled out his fart machine. All the soldiers were lined up and quiet. So, my dad went inside his office, leaving them there, and sounded the fart machine.
He cracked up laughing so hard..caz everyone had "no clue who farted." That is so great!
My dad is in the National Guard and he had soldiers line up for attendance in a huge gym.
Well, keep in mind everthing echoes loudly.
Everyone was standing at attention in their uniforms and he pulled out his fart machine. All the soldiers were lined up and quiet. So, my dad went inside his office, leaving them there, and sounded the fart machine.
He cracked up laughing so hard..caz everyone had "no clue who farted." That is so great!
- Hannah
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The General was Listening to his Assistants talk about their 'Leave' and; what they did.
One said:" I went to Six Flags and rode all the rides".
The other one answered:" I did too ".
The first asked: " Did you Ride the Texas Shot Out?"
The friend Paused and then Responded:
No ! I rode the Bus ...
One said:" I went to Six Flags and rode all the rides".
The other one answered:" I did too ".
The first asked: " Did you Ride the Texas Shot Out?"
The friend Paused and then Responded:
No ! I rode the Bus ...
- Arthur Leal
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A Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Marine Force Recon are trying out for a special assignment for the CIA.
They get to the final step and the instructor takes them one at a time to a passageway outside of a small room.
He hands the Seal a loaded handgun and says: "Inside this room is a high risk to national security. Your mission is to eliminate them no matter who it is. The SEAL enters the room and immediatly comes out and says:"That is my mother!! I cant do that!!
THe instructor then dismisses the SEAL.
Next, the Ranger comes in. Same senario. He comes back out immediatly and says:"That is my mother!! I can't do that!!"
He is then dimissed.
Last, the Marine comes in. Same senario. The Marine enters the room and 15 loud bangs from the 9mm is heard followed by screams, yells, and a struggle inside the room. After a few minutes, the noise dies down and the Marine emerges from the room covered in blood from head to toe.
The instructor said:" What in the world happened in there!!
The Marine says:"You gave me a magazine full of blanks you idiot!! I had to kill her with my bare hands!!!!
They get to the final step and the instructor takes them one at a time to a passageway outside of a small room.
He hands the Seal a loaded handgun and says: "Inside this room is a high risk to national security. Your mission is to eliminate them no matter who it is. The SEAL enters the room and immediatly comes out and says:"That is my mother!! I cant do that!!
THe instructor then dismisses the SEAL.
Next, the Ranger comes in. Same senario. He comes back out immediatly and says:"That is my mother!! I can't do that!!"
He is then dimissed.
Last, the Marine comes in. Same senario. The Marine enters the room and 15 loud bangs from the 9mm is heard followed by screams, yells, and a struggle inside the room. After a few minutes, the noise dies down and the Marine emerges from the room covered in blood from head to toe.
The instructor said:" What in the world happened in there!!
The Marine says:"You gave me a magazine full of blanks you idiot!! I had to kill her with my bare hands!!!!
- SGT Perkins USMC
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"Air Force Rank Descriptions"
General - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, walks on water, and talks to God.
Colonel - Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if it is calm, and claims to talk to God.
Lt Colonel - Leaps short buildings w/ a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a BB, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if a special request is approved.
Major - Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotive, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.
Captain - Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a gun w/ out inflicting self-injury, can dog-paddle, and talks to animals.
1 LT - Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammo, can stay afloat if properly instructed on use of a life jacket, and talks to water.
2 LT - Falls over door steps when trying to enter a building, says "look at the choo-choos," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.
CREW CHIEF - Lifts tall buildings and walks under all of them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches bullets in their teeth and chews them up, freezes water with a single glance, and claims to be God.
- Mark F. USAF
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A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,"You think so? It's only 2130 now."
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,"You think so? It's only 2130 now."
- Michael Schuttenberg
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HOW TO SIMULATE SHIPBOARD LIFE
SUGGESTIONS FOR THE EX-SAILOR WHO MISSES THE GOOD OLD DAYS
1. Sleep on the shelf in your hall closet.
2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
3. Six hour after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "whoops, wrong rack".
4. Build a wall down the middle of your bathroom, and lower the shower head to chest level.
5. While showering, have wife turn off water after you are soapy.
6. Put lube oil in you humidifier and turn it on high.
7. On TV watch only old movies in the middle of the night, have your family vote on the movie to watch, then tune in a different one.
8. (Mandatory for snipes) Leave the lawnmower running in the living room for 24 hours.
9. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
10. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, watch the soot land on your neighbors car, laugh when he curses you.
11. Buy a trash compactor, use it only once a week and store the trash in the other half of the bathtub.
12. Wake up at midnight, have a peanut butter on stale bread.
13. Make up the family menu a month in advance without regard for the inventory on hand.
14. Set alarms to go off at random times, when they go off, run into your yard, grab the garden hose and wet down your house. Or put on stereo headphones, stand in front of the kitchen range , say to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready, sir". 3 hours later say "stove secured, sir", hang the phones on the oven door and go back to bed.
15. Once a month take every major appliance apart, let it sit for six hours and put it back together.
16. Use 17 scoops of coffee for 8 cups water, let it sit for 6 hours with the grounds still in the pot, then drink it.
17. Install a fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie under it and read a book.
18. Invite 85 people you don't like to stay for 2 months.
19. Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.
20. When baking a cake, prop up 1 end of the pan, then level it out with icing.
21. Every month, throw the cat in the pool, shout "man overboard" run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes off the table and yell at your wife for not having the place stowed for sea.
Feel better now??
SUGGESTIONS FOR THE EX-SAILOR WHO MISSES THE GOOD OLD DAYS
1. Sleep on the shelf in your hall closet.
2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
3. Six hour after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "whoops, wrong rack".
4. Build a wall down the middle of your bathroom, and lower the shower head to chest level.
5. While showering, have wife turn off water after you are soapy.
6. Put lube oil in you humidifier and turn it on high.
7. On TV watch only old movies in the middle of the night, have your family vote on the movie to watch, then tune in a different one.
8. (Mandatory for snipes) Leave the lawnmower running in the living room for 24 hours.
9. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
10. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, watch the soot land on your neighbors car, laugh when he curses you.
11. Buy a trash compactor, use it only once a week and store the trash in the other half of the bathtub.
12. Wake up at midnight, have a peanut butter on stale bread.
13. Make up the family menu a month in advance without regard for the inventory on hand.
14. Set alarms to go off at random times, when they go off, run into your yard, grab the garden hose and wet down your house. Or put on stereo headphones, stand in front of the kitchen range , say to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready, sir". 3 hours later say "stove secured, sir", hang the phones on the oven door and go back to bed.
15. Once a month take every major appliance apart, let it sit for six hours and put it back together.
16. Use 17 scoops of coffee for 8 cups water, let it sit for 6 hours with the grounds still in the pot, then drink it.
17. Install a fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie under it and read a book.
18. Invite 85 people you don't like to stay for 2 months.
19. Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.
20. When baking a cake, prop up 1 end of the pan, then level it out with icing.
21. Every month, throw the cat in the pool, shout "man overboard" run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes off the table and yell at your wife for not having the place stowed for sea.
Feel better now??
- Martin Strauss
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Ad in the classifieds of our daily newspaper:
FOR SALE French Rifle,
never fired,
dropped once......
FOR SALE French Rifle,
never fired,
dropped once......
- Danny Breeding
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On a Kit inspection, which was orded by the officer of the day, I asked the guy standing next to me, "Do you have any deficiences"?
He replied, "no sir, I was never issued with any".
He replied, "no sir, I was never issued with any".
- Tom Berrisford, UK Dday Veteran
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I was stationed at Ft. Bragg in 1970 with HHC XVIII Abn Corps when I caught a one day detail of "Post Beautification".
Six of us HQ clerk types were put in the back of a deuce and a half by a crusty old E-7 and taken to an officer's housing area to build a fence.
The sergeant lined us up when we arrived at the site and asked how many of us were college graduates. About half raised their hands.
Then he asked if anyone had a masters degree - one guy raised his hand.
"Great", said our leader to our learned comrade, "Today you get your PhD."
Then he handed the guy a Post Hole Digger.
Six of us HQ clerk types were put in the back of a deuce and a half by a crusty old E-7 and taken to an officer's housing area to build a fence.
The sergeant lined us up when we arrived at the site and asked how many of us were college graduates. About half raised their hands.
Then he asked if anyone had a masters degree - one guy raised his hand.
"Great", said our leader to our learned comrade, "Today you get your PhD."
Then he handed the guy a Post Hole Digger.
- Jerry McLaughlin
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I went home on leave and found out that my dad had started collecting clocks. He was going to swap meets, buying old clocks and fixing them.
He acquired an old school house clock at a sale. He worked for hours fixing the old thing up and was very proud.
One night a lot of old friends show up to see me while I was as home and one of my dads old friends was looking at the clock for a long time. My dad was watching him and approched him about the clock.
The old friend looked at my dad and asked, you mean to tell me that clock will run 31 days without winding it? My dad puffed his chest out with pride and said, Oh you bet!
The friend came back with, "Well, How long will it run if you wind it"?
He acquired an old school house clock at a sale. He worked for hours fixing the old thing up and was very proud.
One night a lot of old friends show up to see me while I was as home and one of my dads old friends was looking at the clock for a long time. My dad was watching him and approched him about the clock.
The old friend looked at my dad and asked, you mean to tell me that clock will run 31 days without winding it? My dad puffed his chest out with pride and said, Oh you bet!
The friend came back with, "Well, How long will it run if you wind it"?
- Ken Wade Vietnam,Vet
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A very sloppy Buck Private was playing pool in the Enlisted Mens club when a 2nd Louey walked up to the cigarette machine, reached into his pocket and pulled out his change and saw that he didn't have the right change for the machine.
He turned to the Buck Private and said " soldier do you have change for a dollar"? The private reaches into his pocket and says "yah".
The louey Says " soldier as you can see I am an officer and you should have come to attention and called me "Sir" when I talked to you".
"Now lets run thru this again with some military courtesy"." Soldier do you have change for a dollar"? The private came to attention and said "no sir".
He turned to the Buck Private and said " soldier do you have change for a dollar"? The private reaches into his pocket and says "yah".
The louey Says " soldier as you can see I am an officer and you should have come to attention and called me "Sir" when I talked to you".
"Now lets run thru this again with some military courtesy"." Soldier do you have change for a dollar"? The private came to attention and said "no sir".
- Ron Walker
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We had just gotten back from WestPac and were tied up starboard side to at Pier 1, Naval Station San Diego.
Our sister ship was tied up on the other side of the pier, loading stores, getting ready to GO to WestPac. Someone noticed that they were loading watermelon, two in each crate. Sooo - three of us jumped their working party, and each got a crate of melons loaded onto our shoulder.
We moved with the working party until we were directly across from out ships lower brow, and then we peeled off, ran like hell across the pier, up the brow, and down into the foundry.
Later on, around 2000, I and some of the gang were sitting around in the lower shop shooting the bull and noshing on some FINE watermelon. All of a sudden everybody but me went silent, and when I finally looked over my shoulder, there stood the Exec, the Repair Boss, and our Division Officer. BUSTED - BIG TIME!
They commenced to chew ass in a fine Navy fashion, so, when they paused for breath, I did the only thing I could think of - I offered them a piece of watermelon.
They looked at me, looked at each other, and started laughing.
End result - they got a nice piece of watermelon, and I got to keep third class.
Our sister ship was tied up on the other side of the pier, loading stores, getting ready to GO to WestPac. Someone noticed that they were loading watermelon, two in each crate. Sooo - three of us jumped their working party, and each got a crate of melons loaded onto our shoulder.
We moved with the working party until we were directly across from out ships lower brow, and then we peeled off, ran like hell across the pier, up the brow, and down into the foundry.
Later on, around 2000, I and some of the gang were sitting around in the lower shop shooting the bull and noshing on some FINE watermelon. All of a sudden everybody but me went silent, and when I finally looked over my shoulder, there stood the Exec, the Repair Boss, and our Division Officer. BUSTED - BIG TIME!
They commenced to chew ass in a fine Navy fashion, so, when they paused for breath, I did the only thing I could think of - I offered them a piece of watermelon.
They looked at me, looked at each other, and started laughing.
End result - they got a nice piece of watermelon, and I got to keep third class.
- Molder Brown
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